Technically this should be AO, but whatever. There's some graphic depictions of violence, sex, and language in certain chapters.
Story has F!Hawke/Fenris & F!Hawke/Anders
The events of this bleak little gem take place after the third act. If you are sticking along for the ride enjoy what is presented. I only live to serve.
BioWare and EA own all the delicious characters and places in the DAU. I just like torturing the characters and putting them in peril.
She couldn't see it, but she knew it was there, somewhere off the in the distance- the oncoming storm. Lorelai shivered at the thought. The world was at war and she was the primary catalyst for it all. She could have blamed Anders for being a jackass and doing the unthinkable, but she aided him nonetheless so it all fell on her shoulders in the end
Sebastian had vowed vengeance when she refused to take Anders's life. She wasn't going to make him a martyr for the cause. She also wasn't going to fight against the one thing she knew kept her living. She didn't care whether Sebastian came back with a whole army from Starkhaven to raze the city either. The place was a loss in her mind. She had nothing left to keep her there.
She was beside herself marching towards the Imperium. Her allies agreed that she leaved for her safety along with Anders and quickly joined when they found out they themselves had a price on their heads for aiding and abetting known terrorists. Anders was amused at it. The great and powerful Champion of Kirkwall on the run for deciding to overthrow the Templars. She should have been reveling in the glory. She was a leader- a natural born leader, but that's not what she saw in herself. Even the idea of leaving for Minrathous was a mad attempt to escape the ghosts of her choices and failures.
Aveline had just enough time to tell the stalwart fighters that the guard and Templars were coming for their blood. Lorelai was one for fighting to the end, but her will ebbed without having her rival arguing with her; giving her the strength to continue. She balked and retreated for the only place she knew to go. As damn near emotionally suicidal as the choice was, the only ghost she was looking for was gone from her sight and erased from the existence she'd known.
Carver was off finding his own life and adventures with the Grey Wardens. She made him leave. She had to protect the last piece of her family from the backlash that the Hawke name carried. He stood by her side in the end and she was grateful, but damn it. Memories trickled in of a life of constantly being on the run as an apostate. This was nothing new to her, but she wasn't going to drag her brother down with her. He argued with her about staying by her side. He owed her that much for saving his life and that he didn't want to lose her amongst the bodies as the Chantry fell apart and an impending Exalted March was due to take place.
"Hawke?" Varric said, snapping Lorelai from her thoughts. "You seem out of it today."
Lorelai blinked tiredly and sighed. "I'm sorry." She whispered softly. The group of people at the table stared at her not knowing what she was apologizing for. "I screwed up."
"The long face isn't for you." Isabela purred. Her bosom pressed against the table as she leaned and patted Lorelai's hand in consolation.
She could feel the frustration building up in her and she was about to explode when Anders cleared his throat. She shot him a look of contempt and frowned. She felt sorry for the apostate turned abomination but she was so damn angry about those events from that fateful night she wanted to tear him apart. "No, I have to say this." She looked at everyone, her hazel eyes glimmered as she tried to hold back the tears she'd pent up for months now. She stood up, turning her back from the group and tried to think of the words.
"I dragged you all into this. I fucked up." Her voice wavered little as she started her apologies. "Varric, you've done so much for me and I had no right to make you choose sides in any of this."
"Hawke, it wasn't a big deal." Varric said. He shrugged. He leaned back in his chair and kicked his heavy boots onto the table.
She turned to Isabella who was wrapping her hair around her finger in a spiral curl. "You could have gotten out of town long before any of this and I have to wonder why you didn't."
Isabella looked up at Lorelai and cocked her head in amusement. "Because you saved my ass. I owe you my life."
Merrill sat there meekly. Her eyes never met Lorelai's but she knew her turn was coming. "I took you away from the only family you have ever known."
"Oh, it's not so bad. I asked to go." She looked at Varric who was smiling at her refreshing innocence. "Besides I have a new family with you all now."
Anders stood up and walked up to Lorelai and put his arm around her. "You don't need to do this. You made the right decision."
"The right decision?" Lorelai repeated. Anders nodded. "The right decision." Anders kept nodding with each repetition. She glared at Anders and shoved him away. "Do you have any clue what you did? You didn't just draw lines in the sand. You forced my hand and made me lead a revolution." She screamed. She was losing control of her wits as his words echoed in her head. "What the hell do you know about 'right decisions?'"
"The mages deserved to be free of their tyranny and now they are." Anders shot back. "And I am grateful that I played a hand in it."
"Injustices upon the mages don't give you the right to start a holy war." Lorelai argued. She shook with rage.
"You could stand for it?" Anders asked.
"No." Lorelai took a step back and finally the first few tears slid down her face. "Look at all we've lost in this. We are fugitives on the run and my decisions got us here now. Aveline is forced to deal with the mess we created, Carver is gone and Fen-" The group's eyes fell to the table.
They didn't know. They never heard what befell the broody elf with the most beautiful eyes she had ever seen. She reached into the small pouch she had on her hip and pulled out a crumpled and torn piece of parchment. Lorelai sniffled as she unfolded the delicate paper still bearing the seal of a Tevinter magister and slammed it onto the table. One by one they stood and glanced at the document. The ink smeared and dotted with dried tear drops. No one dared touch it for fear that Lorelai would strike them dead. "I did this." She pointed as she quickly unsheathed her dagger and plunged it through the paper and into the table causing the readers to jump back in shock. "Did he deserve that, Anders? Huh?" She turned on the mage her jaw clenched. "A mindwipe. He has no recollection of anything. I did that to him. I led him to that because you thought he wasn't going to aid our cause."
Anders took a step away from the table and shook his head. "It's no different than-"
"Blondie, it's best not to finish that thought." Varric stepped in before Lorelai could say anything.
Lorelai was fuming. She knew exactly what he was going to say. "Don't you fucking dare talk to me about 'right decisions'." She growled through clenched teeth. She turned away and walked out of the dining hall of her small mansion and walked into her room, slamming the door behind her.
She sat down on the edge of her bed and in her solemn confines she cried. Let the tears fall like she had been waiting to do since they made their run from Kirkwall. She knew that there was going to be an argument between her and Anders. It was inevitable, but given the circumstances he was correct. The mages needed to taste the freedom she had tasted since she was born. But was it really freedom? The constant running and hiding. The sacrifices her parents made so that she and her sister were safe from the prying eyes of the Templars.
But the price- it was unacceptable. She loved that damn elf for all the life of her. Even when he broke her heart and took her innocence. She stabbed him in the back. She basically killed him for being who he was and she was the one who's words sent him back to that hell he'd had nightmares about.
She hated herself, hated Anders, the Templars and mages, Danarius and even Fenris for making her feel anything. She tried everything to help him come to terms with everything and he ran regardless with a small apology and her virginity. Then even in the time afterwards while he was still around he would glance at Isabela as if she was more ideal compared to the smaller and more petite Lorelai.
Maybe it was jealousy and vengeance? It didn't matter, oh Maker, it never mattered. She wanted him and even if they did see each other again he would have no idea who she was. Her heart broke and she choked on her tears. The ache in her throat as she held back wailing was hardly a piece of the pain she felt all the way to her soul.
"Lorelai, can I come in?" Anders asked through the door. She sat up straight and wiped her eyes dry trying to hide the fact that she was crying.
"Yeah," she answered. She really didn't want to see anyone, especially Anders, but the bits of humanity and loneliness urged her to give him a chance.
Anders slowly opened the door and poked his head in. His face was full of sorrow and regret about their spat. He stepped through the door and closed the door softly. He walked over to her in careful strides and sat on the bed next to her. He put his strong and weathered hand on her knee and squeezed gently.
"Are you alright?" He asked. He bent down a little ways to look her in the eyes. Her hair fell into her face and she tried her damnedest to avoid his looks.
"I'm fine." She muttered. She placed her hand on his and feigned a smile.
"There's something more going on and you haven't been the same since we got here." Anders stated.
"I know and I apologize." Lorelai sulked. She placed her head on Anders's shoulder and frowned. "You are a dear friend, Anders, and I had no right to attack you like that."
Anders chuckled softly. "You don't need to apologize for anything. You stood by me and that was enough. I owe you my life." He wrapped his arm around her again and chuckled softly. "We aren't talking about me right now; however, we are talking about you." He lifted her chin to face him and his soft features spoke volumes. There was a peace in his eyes. "There's more than just what happened to Fenris that's affecting you. What's got you down, Lorelai?"
"I sold my soul." She said softly.
Anders gave her a puzzled look. "Demon?"
Lorelai shook her head. "Might as well be one." Anders was even more perplexed now than ever. "We're running out of money and I don't know how long we're going to be able to stay here."
"And?" Anders questioned in a monotone voice. "We're in the land of the most powerful mages in Thedas."
"That's the problem." Lorelai grumbled. "It was the only place I could think of where we wouldn't be frowned on or hunted down like wolves."
"So what's the problem?" Anders questioned.
Lorelai pulled away and stood. She paced the floor, her heart full of shame. "I never wanted to turn to this?"
"You're keeping me in suspense for no reason, Lorelai." Anders prodded. He smiled in attempt to get her to smile.
"I'm going into apprenticeship with one of the magisters here in Minrathous." Lorelai blurted out rapidly. Her muscles grew tense at the sheer thought of it and her stomach grew into knots. She felt herself getting hot and faint. Anders noticed it and caught her before she fell. He placed her on the bed and looked down at her.
"It'll be alright." He whispered softly as he leaned down and kissed her on the forehead gently. He swept away her charcoal black bangs and looked into her sad eyes. "You'll be alright."
He picked up the half melted candle flickering and dancing in the dim light and blew it out. Lorelai laid in the consuming dark as Anders went from candle to candle and blew each out. She heard his boots come back to the side of her bed and felt his heavy weight as he sat down beside her. She could hear him breathing heavily and she playfully shoved him with a chuckle.
"Keep those thoughts to yourself." She said.
"What thoughts?" Anders asked sarcastically. He sighed and patted her thigh letting the last tap linger longer than usual. "Get some rest. It looks like you'll need it in the coming days." She felt the weight lift off the mattress and his stride was slow and diligent away from her as he headed back for the door.
A blinding light streamed in as he opened the door. She could only make out his shadowy outline, but it was just enough to see the slight smile on his face. "When do you start? Who are you apprenticing with?"
"Tomorrow night, I'm guessing." She answered as she closed her eyes. "I won't get a message till tonight or first thing tomorrow morning about any of the details."
Anders nodded and stepped through the door and softly closed it behind him.
Alone with her thoughts she shuddered again at the idea of turning into the thing she hated. She had no respect for blood mages and here she was joining their ranks just to protect her family from the rest of the world. She was whoring herself out to a 'great' magister and being on the run wasn't the only reason she came here. She had to find Fenris. She had to apologize for the vindictiveness of her actions. He was as much hers as he was a slave. And if these feelings had her so bound to him, was she a slave to him as well?
"It wasn't meant to be this way." She sniffled softly. "I'm sorry, Fenris. I'm so, so sorry."