Eventually, someone was going to find out. It wouldn't be long until Jim couldn't hide the bruises and explain away the cuts. One day soon, Bones was going to ask about Jim's poor health and Jim wouldn't be able to think up a lie. And in some ways, that would be a good thing. But Jim still dreaded it happening. He still loved Spock, even if he was cruel.
Jim and Spock had been in a relationship for about three months now and every since Jim had asked Spock to be more open with him, things had been getting worse and worse. Jim blamed it on the fact that Spock had just lost both his planet and his mother so recently and it made him lash out. But sometimes Spock was the sweetest, kindest boyfriend you could possibly find in a million years. And other times it seemed like he was the devil in disguise. He had won Jim's heart with his flattery and locked it up with the pain. There was something about them working to keep a secret together that kept Jim enthralled in his dangerous game. But it was truly a dangerous game. Just last week, Jim had gotten the worst he had yet. But when he had begged for him to stop, Spock had. And the next day he had been sweeter then ever. It was exactly those sorts of things that kept Jim coming back for more. Whenever he was about to have that last fight and get the hell out of this, Spock would remind him why he had gotten into it in the first place. He couldn't help that he was in love with Spock. But Spock had two sides and his darker side came out more often then his light side, which made Jim wonder if he was in love with someone who didn't love him back.
It didn't help that Bones was worried about Jim and reminded him how bad Spock was for him. Bones had noticed that Jim had become quiet and serious; two words that would never have fit him three months ago. And Bones always asked the questions that forced Jim to give an outright lie. "Jim, is he hurting you?" The answer that Jim never gave was a clear and honest yes. In more ways then one.
Jim was starting to feel worthless, scared and untrusting. It was making it hard for him to command the ship. But he had kept command simply by pretending. He could pretend he was strong and noble and good, while on the inside he was crumbling away. Soon there would be nothing left but the insecure mess that Spock was turning him into. And when Jim looked in the mirror, the lie he had been telling himself about how it was "just a little make up" and "just a few white lies" was falling apart and he knew he had to get out.
When he had been young and heard about abusive relationships, he had always thought "Why are the idiots just standing by and letting this happen? Why don't they just get out? Don't they know this isn't good for them?" And yeah, Jim knew it wasn't good for him. But there was no way he could let Spock go. He loved Spock. And he didn't know if Spock loved him, but there was something he did know. Jim was in too deep and he liked it. There was a million problems that should have pulled him out, but he wasn't accepting any lifelines. He was staying right here. He could deal with the pain.
-Author's notes-
I've seen a lot of fanvideos on youtube about Kirk and Spock, exploring the idea of an abusive relationship and I began thinking about the idea and all that I know about abusive relationships. I don't personally know anyone who has been in one and I've been single all my life, so this was all basically guesswork at what one might be like, so I really hope I hit somewhere near my mark. The title comes from two songs that I think fit the situation I decided to explore nicely: "Luka" by Suzanne Vega and "Judas" by Lady Gaga. I would also like to say that I wrote and uploaded this somewhere between 2AM and 3AM so for all I know it is terrible.