The Journals of Wisdom, Power, and Courage
Chapter 1: Welcome to Gnome Home: A Weird Tourist That Sets Up a Trap
Beginning AN:
"Why is this tagged .GIFfany and Rumble" ctrl find their names in this very chapter and you'll see why. Melody will come just a bit later, though. Just a little bit. It definitely won't take twenty-five chapters, since it should be obvious that this is kind of going episode-by-episode.
...Or, to spoil this especially if you've read Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals (which I recommend, it's incredibly short and should give you a small taste of what to expect here), it'll be like HUC where the early chapters are more-or-less parodies of that point in canon with some B-plots and added stuff, but as the story goes on the "added stuff" goes more and more to the front and center and overtakes canon's plot. I liked that about HUC, and that's kind of how I'd like to try this new Journals. I prefer crack fics that definitely have ties with canon and pays at least some respect (in other words, not just writing stupid nonsense that happens to share the names of the canon characters, something that has more than just names to tie it to the source) but at the same time isn't just the exact same story as canon but with memes and badly drawn/spelt/whatever depending on the medium. If you're like me and you're worried that this will just be a straight-up copy of canon's plot, don't worry. Every chapter will at least have a little original something, before the "original stuff" shoots past canon and becomes its own story. But it will still always at least be "a Gravity Falls fan fic." Because I think that just "literally Gravity Falls but badly written" would be really freaking boring. And it would just be downright stupid if the only changes were things like pop culture cameos and the author shoving their favorite pairings in randomly just out of wish fulfillment.
The following paragraph is a copy-paste for my other installments of SBIG, just to explain what this is. If you have seen the chunk with the same beginning sentence before, skip it:
Welcome to SBIG! This is a series of purposefully badly done stories that care very little with making sense or trying to add any emotional impact. Or... that's the intent. This is sort of like a bad attempt at comedy. Now, two things I try to avoid with this when comparing the installments to other fics done bad on purpose. One is making them unreadable (but this... admittedly wasn't always a major focus of mine). Two is that this isn't going to get... too disgusting. Well, it might in some stories, but it won't rely on grossout factors as an entertainment value, and even the ones that do teeter into uncomfortable territory won't be trying to really 'outdo' other fics that do this. The only thing I try to trump myself in is the plot's stupidity. Not how hard it is to read it, and not how disgusted (or infuriated for that matter) you will be by it.
So once upon a time there were these twin siblings, Dipper and Mabel Pines. It's spelled Mabel by the way not Mable. This will be important for later.
Anyway, it was the beginning of summer and they were to arrive in a place called Gravity Falls. I don't want to start this off with a flashback that would be super lame so I'll tell you right now: Their parents, which we just saw arms, simply put them and got them ready for their summer vacation. Which was with some guy named Grunkle Stan. He's where the story gets interesting so let's move on to when the twins get there.
It was like the intro. The bus dropped Dipper and Mabel off right in front of the Mystery Shack. I realize the intro might be symbolic of that but this is a really long and complicated plot, and I want to move it along. If I did something stupid like describe them going through town past some random streets before reaching the Mystery Shack then people might complain about there being too much filler. Trust me, nothing in this is filler. Unless I write something planning a future development and then I forget it.
Anyway Stan appeared in a magic fairy dust-like thing. Not real fairy dust you've seen that in Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals. Unless you like Gravity Falls more than Hellsing and I'll stop sidetracking and get to the plot.
"Hi there!" Said Stan. "So, you remember me, you're working on the Mystery Shack now!"
"Oh dear." Said Dipper.
"Hey, this sounds like fun!" Cheered Mabel. "We'll find some cool stuff in there too!"
"But Mabel I'm pretty sure the stuff in the Mystery Shack is fake." Said Dipper. "This is just a boring town with boring townie stuff. No magic."
But little did Dipper and Mabel know that there was someone watching them! From the deepness of the tree leaves, a figure popped out and grinned.
She looked like Mabel. But not. She had pitch-black hair, pale skin that was green and veiny-at some parts, and was wearing a stupid edgy black outfit with a sweater, and that sweater had a picture of a cat unlike the shooting star sweater of Mabel's. She laughed.
"Oh supernatural..." she said. "You're mine..."
(A Few Days in to Summer)
"Hm." Stan said while Dipper was being really bored and Mabel was looking at the "Sascrotch" (getting crap passt the radar!), "Not that many people are coming to the Shack lately. Wait, I do have signs telling them about the place right?"
He looked outside and there was only one sign left. Then he figured out what happened to the other signs...
It turned to dust because of FUCKING TERMITES!
"ARGH TERMITES! I HATE THEM! WE NEED NEW SIGNS!"
Oh wait I should introduce Wendy and Soos before Journal 3 is introduced.
Wendy was reading a magazine and said "Why not let Mabel or Boy Mabel do it. I hung up the last signs. I don't want to fight the termites."
"Oh actually I'm fighting the termites." Stan said, getting in to military gear. "I HATE termites. Wait actually I need more stuff, but soon I'll be on a long mission to fight the termites. And possibly their King too."
"Good luck heheh..." Laughed Wendy.
Okay and also Soos.
"Good luck." Was all he said.
I can't really think of that much for Soos to do by himself.
So he won't be by himself for that long.
(In the Deep Woods Like in Mario Odyssey (The One with the T-Rex, that place still gives me nightmares. But there's no T-rexes here. I mean there will be in the dinosaur chapter but the fact that there's dinosaurs is a spoiler. Wait a minute the fact that there's anything weird at all is a spoiler in this part SHOOT!))
The strange girl that looked like Mabel walked around, snickering.
"HEY!" She shouted. "I NOTICE PEOPLE! AND I NOTICED YOU! YOU SEEM UNUSUAL! YOU'RE EXACTLY WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR!"
A bunch of gnomes just kind of appeared. Should I capitalized Gnomes?
Fun fact, in the Sims at least the console version you can make gnomes and the Sims trip and fall over them and it's funny.
"Yeah what do you want?" Asked Jeff the Gnome.
"I'm looking for a long-lost twin." The werid Mabel lookalike said. "And I found someone who looks a lot me in this town that I told has a lot of spooky supernatural shit in it. Anyway, I need you to seduce her and learn about her secrets. Or-" She looked at the gnomes. "Okay maybe seduce is too tall an order. Just... find out secrets in some other way. I'm POSITIVE she's hiding something. I have amnesia so I don't know what."
Jeff the Gnome shrugged. "Okay we need a queen anyway. Our queens are cool they do a lot of cool stuff. Without a queen we're really weak supernaturals. Actually, are we even supernaturals or just random short men that like biting people? Then again we vomit rainbows so I guess we do have magic. Just bad magic because that's our most magical magic power. Our bites hurt though."
The edgy Mabel lookalike shrugged. "Well, I guess every evil empire has to start somewhere... hopefully I'll find cooler allies along the way."
"Was that an insult to us?"
"Yes. Anyway, here is your target."
She showed a picture of herself, and Jeff was confused at first, but then she photoshopped it to make the hair brown, the skin more flushed, and the green to go away. And she made the outfit just red.
"Find the girl that looks like me but instead of like I look she looks more normal."
Jeff nodded. "Okay it's a small town that should be easy."
Then he put his hand to his chin.
"Wait a minute! You know what would be easier? If we captured YOU instead!"
And then the gnomes got in to war positions (no that's not a sex position, that's why it's called a war position) and jumped at the edgelord.
But then fires sprouted around her and pushed them back while the edgy-Mabel grinned.
"KEEP OFF!" She shouted, while her fires went around and singed up part of the forest. This will come in important later. "NO! You will be capturing THIS GIRL! Also believe me, I'm actually going easy on you... heh heh..."
She chuckled and something she was wearing around her necklace began glowing red. It was...
KEYS SHAPED LIKE A DRILL! (See Gurren Lagann for the reference this would actually be a brick-shitting revalation.)
(Another Spot of the Deep Woods, a Different one)
Dipper was hanging signs to advertize the Mystery Shack. Things were going smoothly until he tried one tree, but it felt hard and metal. Curious, Dipper investigated. He planted (it's a joke because normally trees are plants, except this one doesn't seem to be) a hand against it lightly and...
Suddenly, Journal 3 popped out! But Dipper did not know it was Journal 3. It was just a book with a gold hand with six fingers (so based on Dipper and Mabel's canon hands people in this world have four-finger hands, it must be double-weird then six fingers because five fingers would be seen as a first mutation and then six as an extra mutation) that had the Number 3 on it. Since this is a pilot and this is a pivotal element in the pilot, there was ominous and cool-sounding music playing as Dipper held it up. And a ray of sunlight shone through from the trees. If this was animated give it the same quality of animation as the intro because that's just fucking beautiful.
"Wow!" Said Dipper. "A book! I should read this since I like reading. Mabel though would probably burn it. Heh heh. Dummy Mabel."
He opened the book and this was on the first page:
FANTASY IS REAL!
Dipper gasped! His entire world, shattered by-
Okay not really 'shattered.' He always believed in magic (AN if you reference that stupid song I will punch you, it's stuck in my head) but this CONFIRMS it!
Dipper kept flipping through the book like crazy, not even noticing that a ton of gnomes ran past him-
"Woah woah! Quick thumbin' through me you pervert!"
"What?"
Suddenly the journal flew out of his hands...
...And it grew cartoony-looking arms and legs. Yes Gravity Falls itself is a cartoon but you know what I mean. Tom and Jerry, Bugs Bunny, and Itchy and Scratchy. That stuff. With the gloves and stuff. (I'm trying not to say shit too much.)
"What the... are you a magic book?" Dipper asked.
Journal 3 would have rolled his eyes if he had any. Also Journal 3 is a he I think. "Yes I'm magic. The beginning of me says that 'MAGIC IS REAL.' Or actually 'FANTASY IS REAL' but like put two and to toogether. What do you think I am instead? Cursed? That's just stupid..."
"Okay so you are in fact magic. Now what?"
"Now... I don't know." Journal 3 shrugged. "Honestly, I think there might have been some journey... about keys or something... but it's stupid. I won't-"
"A-HA!"
It was that girl who looked a lot like Mabel! She swooped down, was holding Journal 2 in her hands, and began to laugh.
"Mabel?" Asked Dipper.
"HA! No. But from my decution (not seduction I'm too young for that ew) powers I can figure out that that's the name of the girl who looks like me I guess... anyway, I am NZYVO! It's pronounced 'Zee-voh,' the N is silent. Anyway, my name is Nzyvo and I want that book there. It might be the key to finding a certain long-lost someone..."
"What the? Mabel, if this is roleplay it's not funny."
'Nzyvo' laughed. "Oh, whoever you are, strange kid whose twin sister looks too much like me, you're sadly mistaken. You see... I'm not Mabel. This isn't roleplay. You want proof?"
"Um... no."
"Oh. I would have proved it by tearing the skin of my face off like a mask and showing you the skull, but that would have hurt... anyway, yes, the reason why it looks like I'm a zombie is because I'm not a zombie but instead I'm a girl."
"That doesn't really help much."
"I have this condition where I need to drain Spiral Power from other people to avoid my body breaking down. I... I do make Spiral Power, lots of it, but it's wierd."
"Dipper I think this person's a bad guy." Said Journal 3. "Not to be racist but I don't trust zombie-looking people. I... I... I actually TRUST NO-ONE. It's not racist if you don't trust anybody, but trust zombie-looking people even less."
"No shit sherlock." Replied Dipper. "Oh wait I like detectives and stuff I like Sherlock, that's a compliment. Also that's a girl not a guy."
"I'M A BOOK OKAY I HAVE DIFFICULTY WITH HUMAN GENDERS I'M MUCH BETTER WITH BOOK GENDERS! YOU HUMANS ALL LOOK ALIKE TO ME! ALL I KNOW IS THAT THE FEMALES HAVE BOOBS AND NZYBO IS TOO YOUNG FOR THAT SO I'M STUCK THERE!"
"I'll tell you the difference some day."
"No you won't because 'some day' implies that you'll survive this." Nzyvo said, grinning. "No, you'll probably die today if you really won't give me answers."
"What answers? I'M the one who needs answers!"
"Well, your sister looks way too much like me AND you already found Journal Number 3! So you obviously know things!"
"You look like my sister and you have a journal that looks like this talking one but with 2! And you know that it's called Journal Number 2! I should tell this to YOU! Because from where I'm standing maybe YOU'RE the one who knows everything!"
"Yeah but I don't know everything. So, by process of elimination, YOU DO!"
"That's not how the process of elimination wor-"
But Nzyvo was not someone of words! She was someone of kicking and punching, apartently! Nzyvo kicked Dipper in the gut! At least it wasn't the groin - then she DID kick him in the groin! (Bait and switch.) According to Dipper, this might be confirming that Nzyvo has the power to read minds.
"Ow Nzyvo! That hurt... Argh, I swear, I don't have answers... OOF!"
"Okay fine then. Lie like that."
"But I'm not lying I'm-"
"I'll get the answers out of you some way! WHATEVER! IT! TAKES!"
Nzyvo just disappeared by running away, oddly enough, leaving a trail of flames and shit ("and shit" meaning a euphemism for "things like flames" she did not literally shit on the floor that would just be gross she's not a bear) as she ran.
"...Huh." Said Dipper. "Mystery Girl. Oh well, back to the talking book."
"Yes finally back to me! Also, that journal with the 2, Journal 2, is my brother."
"Okay so your book genders is male then. Good to know."
"Yes and so is Journal 1."
"There's a Journal 1?"
"What the fuck do you think?! Why would there be a 3 and a 2 and not a 1?"
"Well I-"
"At least in canon you had the excuse that you didn't know about a Journal 2. I THINK. I don't know..." I don't know either in fact this joke isn't canon. Maybe. There will be other characters later on who can break the fourth wall canoically, like Bill Cipher or maybe a certain other Bill, but that will be for later. (No it's not an AU version of Bill it's a guy literally nmaed Not-Bill and also Bill Dauterieve from King of the Hill sorry if you're hyped for a bunch of Bills running around. :( )
"Okay but anyway I should probably show this to Mabel."
(In the Mystery Shack)
Dipper showed the journal to Mabel.
"So wait you believe that just because the beginning says 'fantasy is real' wow you're a nerd." Said Mabel.
"I mean... this seems really detailed..." Dipper said, thumbing through the Journal 3.
Then he remembered something.
"Oh yeah. And the book is a talking book. And I hope it talks right now instead of pulling a Looney Tunes and not talking-"
"YES I CAN TALK GOD I HATE BUGS BUNNY!" Shouted J3. "Hello, Mabel. And yes, that first page was right. Fantasy is real."
"Okay." Mabel said.
Then Norman showed up. Okay his name wasn't revealed but I don't want to describe him because hopefully you've seen the show... right?
And hopefully you have seen EVERY episode (but not like the books or the Gnome Gemu game because I haven't played or read them yet except the real Journal 3 because um I'm lazy) because this might start out like the epiusodes but badly writtten and with a dark evil Mabel named Nzyvo but this is actually really complicated. You thought the canon timeline was confusing? This is gonna make Adventure Time look like a motherfucking Super Mario Bros. 2D platformer. Then again it kinda already does look like a Mario game but more like the RPGs, I specifically said 2D platformer because if I just said "Mario" people will be like "no Super Paper Mario has timelines and fourth wall breaks it is complicated."
"Hi I'm Normal Man and, um, you look cute." He said to Mabel.
Mabel blushed (more than she usually does I'm going off of memory here, doesn't she usually have Pikachu cheeks?) and jumped in the air and tapped her feet together like a cartoon. FYI since Gravity Falls is a more realistic cartoon (but with Bigfoot, or actually it would be more in-character to call him Smallfoot since they like playing with characters like that) they can't do cartoon physics like that when it could potentially save them. Like, if Mabel was falling off a cliff she can't do that to get some extra height.
"Okay WOW I have a date now Dipper! I'm in love!" Mabel said.
Yes just like in canon Mabel was asking lots of random boys out but I don't like repeating canon so I just assumed that you already assumed that.
"Wait a minute your name isn't it Norman?" Asked Dipper.
"No, I'm a Normal Man."
"Okay..."
Then one of his arms fell off. Dipper raised an eyebrow, thinking something might be off. Maybe.
Norman was almost kinda reading Dipper's mind (which he might be suspcious of the mind-reading like when Nzyvo kicked his groin) and said "HEY I'm a World War II vet okay I lost my arm fighting Stalin okay it's a SENSITIVE SUBJECT!"
Dipper started thinking about history. Could a teenager fight in World War II? Hrm...
"Okay we're going on our date. Me, Norman, the Normal Human. And Mabel Pines, the girl who looks like someone I kinda know already, so this is a weird date."
"Okay." Said Dipper.
"This date will be LIKE A BOSS!"
Then Dipper gasped. Meanwhile Norman quickly left the Mystery Shack. But not Mabel. Norman was quick to leave because Carson (one of the Gnomes, spoiler alert for the original show but Norman was actually a lot of gnomes) really had to pee.
"Oh my god Mabel I think that's a fake! Because normal people don't say 'LIKE A BOSS' anymore! That was back in the time of the Jick in my Pants guys, wasn't it they who made it?"
Mabel put a hand on her chin. "Yeah that's werid."
"He looks like a zombie. I think he's a zombie. Let me show you."
Dipper thumbed through Journal 3 and got the zombie page right on the first try that time. Then Journal 3, being a dick, flipped through the pages until it was the Succubus page, which showed a hot sexy woman only wearing her hair. Probably not how you're picturing, she has her hair tied to look like a Borat bikini. Journal 3 laughed.
"JOURNAL 3 STOP THIS MABEL MIGHT BE IN DANGER!"
"I can smell a lot of Spiral Power on her! She's fine! There's, like, maybe eight people in this world who would pose a threat to her. Or, maybe nine, if you count AIs..."
"None of what you said makes any sense."
"It probably will before Winter."
Dipper raised an eyebrow. "Why? Are you hybernating? That's a serious question. I've never met a talking book before and I didn't know they exist. So what if you're like bears or something? Not to sound racist comparing books to bears. Actually they do both start with 'B' and have five letters that end in 'S...'"
"Well whatever." Said Mabel. "I'm going on the date. You can keep having fun with your talking book. Ooh that would make for a great euphekmism for masterbating with a dirty magazine like Ed, Edd n Eddy's magazines."
She left. Dipper was about to follow, but then he felt something on his neck! He looked...
A TRANQUILIZER DART!
"Oh fu-" Dipper said but he did not get the "ck" out in time before he passed out.
But before he passed out, he heard Stan's voice as he left. Wearing his military gear from before. "Also I'm gonna fight the termites I'm ready for them now I hate them. I won't be back for a long while! I'm gonna be camping out - I think they're in the lake or some place stupid like that?"
Then Soos and Wendy noticed Dipper.
"Wait! Mr. Pines! Stan dude!" Said Wendy. Then she groaned, looking at him. "He didn't even notice his own son being passe dout what an idiot."
"Dipper is Mr. Pines' nephew, not his son." Soos pointed out.
"Okay but still we have to help him out somehow he's out cool for some reason." Her saying "out cool" instead of "out cold" is a pun on how cool she is.
Mabel and Norman were in a spot by the deep woods which also has a truck for some reason. The truck will be important later. Not in the sense of the truck itself, but like a domino effect.
"So this is a pretty nice date." Mabel said.
"Um hold on I have to do something important." Said Norman. And then suddenly that Gnome that only says Schmebulock left from the leg of Norman and ran off, in to the truck (see I told you the truck was important, Norman said so himself), and started to drive it. Both Mabel and Norman were looking at that.
"What is that did some little guy just come out of yoru leg?" Mabel asked.
"Uh... no actually that's a form of birth control-"
"SCHMEBULOCK!" Shouted Schmebulock (I looked up and checked that's his name). And he drove the truck off.
Mabel stood up and folded her arms. "I WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON! ARE YOU REALLY WHO YOU SAY YOU ARE?!"
"Yes."
Mabel sat back down. "Okay I believe you." HAHA THE FINAL FANTASY MEME PEOPLE ON GAMEFAQS USE WHEN THEY TALK ABOUT STEVE MINECRAFT FOR SMASH! This proves that Mabel is hip and cool with pop culture unlike Norman who says "LIKE A BOSS" who even says that anymore?
"Okay let's get him to your house." Wendy said. She and Soos were still carrying Dipper. As for why Wendy didn't mention this earlier, I don't know, let's say that this takes place just a few seconds ago and was happening during the Mabel/Normal "date." But don't worry this isn't going to be anachronic order for too much. Yet, anyway.
"Why your house?" Asked Soos.
"Well, you see, my dad might think he's too whi-"
"SCHMEBULOCK!" Shouted Schmebulock, who was driving the truck down.
Soos saw the truck and screamed.
Dipper did not scream because he was tranquilized.
But thankfully, Wendy was there. She ninja-jumped out of the way and took Dipper with her.
"LOOK OUT!" Wendy cried.
But thankfully because Schmebulock was drunk-driving (DO NOT DRUNK DRIVE KIDS IN FACT THIS IS A GOOD REASON WHY NOT) he missed Soos. However, he did hit a car and the car richocheted all over the place and hit Soos in the head. Soos Ramirez Got Hit By A Car and was knocked out. He wasn't dead though. In fact, this will be the last time for a good while that he gets any actual injury in the real world. You'll see what I mean because this is foreshadowing.
As for the car, speaking of foreshadowing, that belonged to Preston. If you're like me writing this and going by one episode at a time (peeking ahead only at memes for knowledge of future episodes) then you'll think it's sad that he lost his car but you'll see that he's an asshole. He deserves that. Maybe he even deserves every other bad thing that happens to him in this story, but even I don't know because it will be a LOT.
Anyway back to Soos. Once he was hit, it was a hard near-death experience that took his soul from his body. His body went in to a coma. His soul was like "Woah I should return to my body and bring myself back to life!" but then suddenly a vortex showed up!
The vortex was blue, and swirling, and only ghosts could see it or feel it since it was a ghost vortex (AN I know from looking ahead at summaries that ghosts are canon to Gravity Falls this is not an athietst story like Family Guy. Also one ghost episode has this ship teasing but I'll show you why that's funny later on in this AU.) and he got sucked in and was shot off some place.
Schmebulock went on the radio (gnomes are stereotypically old stuff so they use radios instead of iphones) and said "Okay boss I knocked out the gopher baby guy. But this redheaded ninja chick with a nice rack" (he's not a pedo he aged Wendy up in his head) "saved him." Oh and as for why Schmebulock is speaking English now and not Schmebulockese that's because it's important to the plot.
"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Asked Norman over his line in the radio. "YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO NOT KILL SOOS! GET INFORMATION FROM HIM! ARGH! YOU'RE FIRED!"
"Wait what's going on?!" Asked Mabel. "Also if you want information, yes, I have a twin Dipper, an uncle Stan, also there's my parents who are-"
"Wait really that sweaty guy is your brother? You're so un-alike..." Then Norman had a moral ephiphany and sighed. "Wait, okay I think you should know the truth. First of all my name is Jeff. Also, I look like this."
Then he took off his clothes in front of her. It was the gnomes! Well, four of the gnomes, the fifth one was the guy I just mentioned that ran off with the truck.
"Hi there. I'm Jeff, like I said, and that gnome driving off on the truck is Schmebulock. The other three's names aren't that important. What, Steve, Carlson, and... Roy? I dunno. And that guy who can only say 'Schmebulock' was one of the gnomes too, he drove off on a mission. Um, I'm actually your enemy!"
"That's terrible!" Mabel replied.
"Yeah. I made a deal with this girl who looks like you, but if you were a zombie burn victim. I get information about your hidden secret past, and she gives us a new Gnome Queen."
"New? What happened to your last Gnome Queen?"
"She died of old age, peacefully in her sleep."
"Aw that's a tragic way to die. I feel sorry for you."
Jeff made puppy eyes. "Sorry enough to become our new queen?"
"DON'T ZAPP BRANIGAN ME YOU CREEPO! YOU GOT SOOS HIT BY A TRUCK!"
"No I didn't! Apparently according to his radio it was a car that hit him! And yeah but as you could hear from the anger in my voice that wasn't the plan. The plan was just to kidnap him. As for your brother being knocked out with a tranquilizer, while that was successful we're still not trying to kill him- oh wait you didn't know about that shoot."
"I'LL KILL YOU!"
"No you won't. How? You're smaller than me." Mabel began to laugh.
Jeff snapped his fingers and suddenly a bunch of gnomes went up to him and fused to become the bigass Santa-looking gnome. Since unlike canon Schmebulock wasn't there the Santa-Gnome was missing a piece. Let's just say the crotch for crude humor that won't be in the later chapters because by then things will get serious.
Mabel screamed and ran backwards, but as she ran, she tripped over something.
It was a small, metal thing. Like a robot. But it was shaped like a face.
You know what? I'm just gonna say that right now. It's Lagann. From Gurren Lagann. Look it up, it's a pretty good anime and holy shit let me tell you right now that it will be important to the plot too, so I'm not just recommending it because I like it I'm recommending it because a good chunk of the story will make a lot more sense if you watch it (but it might make this seem a bit less original, but oh well).
"Wh... what's this?" Mabel asked.
"ROAR!" Yelled the Santa-gnome thing.
(THAT'S a Cliffhanger that will be resolved LATER. Right now, we have not one, but TWO "breaks" so to speak. This is Break 1.)
Schmebulock was thinking "This sucks!" after being fired from the Jeff so that meant he was unemployed. He walked around the woods now having nothing to do and was seemingly irrelevant.
Then he found some cave with a lot of drawings in it.
And one of those drawings was of some weird triangle with a hat and an eye. But just one eye not too, he looked like Leela of Futurama...
"Oohh Schmebulock what's this..." said Schmebulock.
(Break 2 I'm sorry if you're enjoying the relative lack of .GIFfany for a GPF story, I hate to break it to you but...)
"Hey. Hey you. Wake up." Soos heard a voice that sounded like a Japanese schoolgirl, but would be electrical from the screen. (She won't sound always electrical otherwise the sexy stuff with her would be less sexy.)
Soos opened his eyes and awoke. (You have to use "awoke" instead of "woke up" if this is a fantasy. Science fiction though, I don't know, if it's a comedy like Futurama (BEST SHOW) you could say "wake up" but if it's serious like Rick and Morty than morning wood might be afine scientifically accurate term.) He was in some sort of forest! But... he could tell that this was a different forest from in Gravity Falls. For one thing, it looked a lot less creepy.
Soos looked down and saw that he was dressed in this swag-ass gray tunic! Cool! Like Legend of Zelda!
And his tights were white like Links even though the tunic itself didn't match Link's the other stuff did. Oh, he had white tights but they were not tighty whities can you imagine Link wearing that especially in 5word? It'd make him look like Homer Simpson, how he always goes around in underwear. I know there's anime characters that do that but on a Homer-Link just ew. Homer should wear underwear on his head actually because did you know if you take his eyes and his nose it looks like a male penis.
Anyway Soos looked around and there was .GIFfany dressed up like some cliched RPG maid or something. But he didn't know she was .GIFFany. We'll get that soon:
Also around them were the eight Fight Fighters guys, all wearing typical RPG from the medieval years outfits.
"Woah what's this?" Soos asked. "Could it be that... I'm trapped in the video game now? Wait, most of you look familiar, except for you video game girl, you look different."
"Yes you are." .GIFfany sighed. "I don't know who you are yet but... welcome to... the flaming bowels of virtual HELL!"
"He - I'm sorry I don't swear - ll?" Soos asked. "But this place looks really nice! It's less creepy than the forest of the town I work in! And live in, too, how could I work and not live in places that are far away that would be really inconvennient."
"Just you wait... by the way. Yes, these people are from Fight Fighters, that might be why they look so familiar. They are just characters transplanted from the game, that was magic. I however am .GIFfany. I am a magic character in what was supposed to be a normal game, so I'm backwards like that. I am from Romance Academy 7. I was supposed to be a normal copy, but my copy is different. Powerful. Special. I can jump in to electronics. Or, could, before I was sent to THIS AWFUL DUMP RRAAARGH!"
Then suddenly a large, black cloud showed up from the sky. It floated down but instead of touching the ground it just hovered there, defying the laws of physics. Then a voice came, and the voice sounded like Microsoft Sam to hide the person's identity because it IS important (if you've seen Gravity Falls otherwise it's just some guy) and it IS a spoiler for Chapter 2:
"I AM THE PLAYER!" Said the voice, loudly and angrilly and scaringly. "FINALLY! AFTER THE WOMAN IN THE ROBES HAS SHOWN ME THIS PROTOTYPE FOR TRAPPING OTHER GAMES AND THE 'LIVING VIDEO GAMES,' I CAN START MY WORLD WITH AN ACTUAL HUMAN'S SOUL IN HERE NOW!"
Rumble McSkirmish spoke for the first time in the story, remember I said the Fight Fighters guys were there so he was one of them, he pointed at Soos: "Wait, he looks like a gopher-thing, are you sure he's a human?"
"YES BECAUSE I TRAPPED HIS SOUL IN HERE!" The Player shouted. Then he - uh, or she, unless I said he was a man already - laughed evilly. Like a villain. Because he was one. "NOW, INSTEAD OF JUST FAKE AIS AND THAT GARBAGE I CAN HAVE A REAL PERSON GOING THROUGH THIS! AH HAHAHAHA! Anyway go through my tests and maybe I'll free your souls from this game."
And then the Player went away, leaving the gang just there.
"That ass!" .GIFfany said, folding her arms.
"Oh well I'm not used to flirting so direct but thank you." Soos said.
"No I was not talking about your butt I mean that guy sucks. By the way, speaking of your butt, I don't think you introduced yourself yet."
"My name is Soos. He brought us in a game, what's bad about that?"
.GIFfany gestured at her outfit. "Do you see how ridiculous it is?"
"I mean,yeah, " Soos rubbed his chin. "Now that you mention it, it is a bit racy you can see the thing with the top of the boobs and where they meet up. What's that called? Cleavage?"
Haha, Soos. Calling it clevage when he means Cleveland.
"What? Racy?! THIS?! You think THIS is racy?! This is fucking PG-13 kiddie crap! I can't even say fork more than once- oh shoot I already said frack once. Anyway, look at THIS!"
She lifted her skirt up, with white panties.
"...Why are you flashing me panties?"
"These things aren't fudging panties!" Oh okay my mistake then. "These are GRANNY PANTIES i prefer thongs and things like that, or going nopan." Oh I didn't make a mistake. .GIFfany was just being a pervert. "BUT I CAN'T TAKKE THIS MEDIVEVEAL UNDERWEAR OFF, it's like part of my skin now or something! You can't take off your clothes either, unless it's a 'scripted event.'"
"How do you go to the bathroom?"
"We don't. Souls don't have to and this is just our souls. Stuck in these horrible, horrible PG-13 bodies. And, even then, you go to the hot springs - the scripted events and the save points' - and there's towels! You look under the towels, and there's a shadow! You brighten up the shadow with flashlights, and it's SMOOTHLIKE A BARBIE DOLL! I DON'T EVEN HAVE A BUTT CRACK AND NEITHER DOES SUGGESSICA(AN that's one of the Fight Fighters characters desides Rumble and Dr. Karate you'll find out more about them as this goes on because they'll be in a lot of chapters unless they, like, die and stuff) BUT OH BOY THE MEN CAN SHOW OFF ALL THE BUTTS THEY CAN IT'S FIRETRUCKING CENSORSHIP FEMINISM AND I WANT OUT OF THIS AND HOLY JESUS CHRIST LORE ALMIGHTY I WANT TO SWEAR AGAIN! i don't normally swear but now that i can't i miss it."
"Woah dude." Said Soos. "You got mad. I guess you like being naked then?"
"For the record," The Player's voice was echoed through the land. "The reason why you have to stay PG-13 is because my parents might become ashamed of me, and speaking of Jesus Christ Lord Almighty I don't want him to cry. But they hsould be okay with dude ass. It's not that I'm in to guy ass, I'm not, it's just that that's socially acceptable in this sad cesnored world we live in." And then the Player sniffed a lot.
.GIFfany pointed at the sky. "Then PROTEST! Give me my ass back!" She turned to Soos and winked. "It's a big ass you'll like it if you see it."
"No! You'll have to beat me in the game! Travel all the way across the five worlds and reach the Dark World at the end of the other worlds! This is the Grass World! Then the Mountain World! Then the Ruins of Last Civilization World! Then the Volcano World! And then finally the Dark World that I told you about a few seconds earlier!"
Soos looked around. "So, this is weird! In my home world, you're from the arcade game in the arcade in my home world!"
"Ar-cade?" Asked Rumble McSkirmish. He pronounced it weiirdly, foreshadowing that he didn't really know. Actually, it would probably make sense if their world had arcades. You know, it takes place at the time and maybe like there's a meta ad for it, like in the Simpsns arcade there's an arcade with an ad for the Simpsons arcade game and the ad shows Homer on an arcade, probably playing the Simpsons arcade. That's really fucking meta, you should take notes about that. Anyway, though, it would be funnier if he didn't know that. "You seem to be a fan of my kung-fu! But! My enemy is here and that is a delima!"
He pointed at Dr. Karate. Who, unlike the others (who looked confused), was sitting on a stump looking pissed off.
"Why is he have to be your enemy?" Soos asked, kinda like Steven Universe but that doesn't exist so Soos doesn't know Steven: "Is there a way you can talk this out?"
"He killed my father twice."
Soos began to sweat. "Okay well you don't just talk that out. But anyway let's band together and leave this RPG world!"
"OKAY!" Everyone cheered. Even .GIFfany, despite not being a Fight Fighter. Especially .GIFfany, she was pissed.
(Okay now we're back to Main Character Mabel)
So if you forgot it ended with Mabel finding something, going "What's this?" and the Santa-gnome roaring at her. Yeah, Lagan.
Um, I know Gurren Lagann inside and out so I know that there's also the drill thing. Mabel found that with it too. Instead of Simon who found them seperately. So, she plugged the drill thing in and Lagann started glowing and moving out, shooting green fires.
The sSanta-Gnome laughed though and pointed at Lagann. "THAT thing is gonna stop us?!" Asked Jeff. "But it's still smaller than us! And size matters!"
But then Mabel just kind of accidentally shot foreward with Lagann's drill out and scattered the gnomes all away like bowling balls. She didn't ctually kill any of them because this is a fan fic of a Disney show and also this won't be that dark yet.
"Well okay that was harry." Said Mabel. "Now let's find Dipper."
"Urk ow!" Shouted Jeff (the main Gnome), shaking his fist. "I'LL BE BACK AGAIN SOMEDAY!"
"No you won't." Mabel laughed at him.
She found Dipper and he and Soos were being carried over to Soos's house by Wendy. That wasn't a typo it's foreshadowing that Wendy is strong.
"Hey sup dude bro sis." Said Wendy.
"Hi did you know there are gnomes here?" Asked Mabel. "This town has supernatural. I guess that talking book Dipper found saying FANTASY IS REAL was right. Also there's a talking book."
Wendy rolled her eyes. "Yeah, believe me I know all about the supernatural. Look see the talking book even followed me because his 'owner' was knocked out."
Journal 3 was standing next to her. He shrugged. "I have nothing better to do."
Then Dipper woke up.
"MABEL THERE'S A GIRL THAT LOOKS LIKE YOU NAMED NZYVO OR SOMETHING, SHE DID THIS TO ME! I THINK! I'M KO'D! I WAS TRANQUILIZED!"
He turned and looked at Soos and gasped.
"AHH! WHAT HAPPENED TO SOOS?!" Asked Dipper. "NZYVO MUST HAVE TRANQUILIZED HIM TOO!"
"Actually Soos got hit by a car." Said Wendy. "He's unconcious but he's breathing so I guess he's still alive. Unless... if he breathes but is dead that would be fucking scary. Also so would being alive and not breathing, not like holding breath but not breathing in general."
Mabel slapped Soos in the face.
"Dang he's out cold." She said. "Normally when Dipper is out and I smack him, he wakes up."
Dipper put his hand on his chin and began thinking. "WAIT A MINUTE..." He exclaimed. But Wendy nad Mabel ignored him.
"So what do you mean by supernatural?" Asked Wendy. "Like, specifically."
"I mean gnomes mostly. But I also found this cool robot that helped me fight them off."
And also, meanwhile, finally, Nzyvo and Jeff were talking. Just outside Soos's house but not hearable:
"Okay so now our plan." Said Nzyvo. "You see, I didn't find you by coincidence. I have a magnet that points to the supernatural, and it pointed to this town as one of the six HUGE sources of supernatural! So I went there."
Jeff nodded.
"I want you part of my gang."
"Okay but again you'll have to give me a new queen."
"Okay. Also did you fire Schmebulock?"
"Of course because killing wasn't part of the plan."
Nzyvo laughed.
But evilly.
But not like killing people evilly more like bank-robbing evilly.
Closing AN:
So, this was published as a special for the tenth anniversary of The Eds' EDventure! What's so special about that fan fic? Honestly, nothing, except that it's my first story.
Fair warning that I might actually can this and just head back to the old version, writing those last three chapters after all. I probably won't, but still. "Soon," I'm going to upload what I've written of Chapter 8 of the old-Journals with some commentary and the like, and explain how it would have gone down. Even though it would spoil a huge part of this. I'll go more in to detail about why I'm rebooting this later, but for now let me say this: while I liked some ideas of the earlier, the story as a whole just really kind of felt like stupid random shit slapped together. Chapters 3, 4, 5, and 6 were the main ones I liked (and even then, 6 - possibly 7 but I didn't look - had this really stupid conversation between my joke self-insert and one of the .GIFfany clones that in hindsight I have no idea what the hell I was thinking of when I first wrote it), which is about half of the story as it stands, but still. Every time I tried to tackle 8, its villain and whatnot, I just felt exhausted and stuck in a rut. My "idea" to cram way over half of the story in terms of content and length in to just five chapters was a really bad one. Then again, extending this "Autumn Stuff" (um, spoilers?) to forty might not be good too, so this might not "cover" all canon episodes anyway. Uh, I guess trying to make this half-Summer, half-Autumn in general is a bad idea.
But hey. Unlike last time, I'm working on an outline for how this story should roughly go, although I'm still barely on Chapter 5 right now and it's really subject to change because I'm not compeletly fond of how it's going right now. Well, Chapter 2's draft thing I like. Not so much 3, 4's really brief, and again, I just started 5.
Um... just stay tuned, I guess?