I was done writing for the day, but it occurred to me that I rarely post things about Sam. I'd say I write an equal amount of both Sam and Dean pieces, but only the Dean ones seem to get posted here. Plus, I was laying in bed thinking about how Sam must feel about Cas, and I'm too hyped up on caffeine to actually sleep, regardless what numbers are on the clock.
If anybody understands Cas right now, it's Sam. Dean's two favorite people are cut from the same cloth, in some aspects.
Sam completely understands what it's like to have amazing power. It's thrilling and intoxicating.
If anybody thought it was the demon blood itself he was addicted to, they were only half right. His body needed the blood, his mind craved the power that came with it.
And why shouldn't it? As long as he was using the power for the right thing. But power can be tricky like that. Getting power by doing the wrong thing, just so you can do something right- well, by the time you've got the power your perception of what's right gets skewed. And then, when you realize you're out of control, you just keep going, hoping to redeem yourself. But heroin addicts can't redeem themselves by taking more heroin.
Sam knows if he ever got hooked on demon blood again, he'd forgive whoever took him down. Sam wasn't Sam when he was drinking blood, he was a monster.
And suddenly he realizes, angels are just another kind of monster. There are good monsters. But when they finally crack (and they all do, eventually) they have to die. Castiel put Lenore out of her misery. Now it's time for Sam to do the same for him.
Yes, even though Cas is his friend. It's not like he hasn't had to kill a friend before. It's difficult, but friends are a luxury that sometimes you have to give up for the good of everyone.
Except Sam's not sure he'll be able to do it. Even now, he can feel the onslaught of memories of things he had once forgotten threatening to overcome him.
Dean won't be able to do it. Dean wasn't able to kill Sam, and that was when Dean was stronger. Now Dean's a broken, emotional mess, and Sam respects his brother for being able to handle it so well.
So if neither of them can kill him, then there's one more option. He'll just have to hope that maybe Cas can be saved.
Sam was saved. All it took was a miracle.
And he just read something about lightning. Sometimes it does strike twice in the same place.
He can hope, can't he?