Empty As Paradise
I don't even try to express it in words. You, and the way I feel about you, and the forbidden fruit that you are, spark a fire in me too deep for talk, for idle whispers.
I look at you, I see a blank nothing in your eyes, and I know that you are remembering. I know you are remembering *him.* I know you loved him. And I know, just as strongly, that you don't love me.
If that's the way you want it, I'll be silent about the way I sing when I look at you. I'll school myself to block the thrills that soar through me when you touch me.
But I cannot *stop* myself from loving. Someone! Anyone! The universe makes me cling to the ones I need. The universe is always ready to break me. The universe frightens me.
I teach myself not to be tender, not to turn to you with my heart in my eyes. I was taught too well to love by a mother that loved me and that I loved. I left her, yes, I left her behind, but I cannot forget her lessons. In some deep place in my soul, her words still mean more to me than everything I have learned at the Jedi Temple.
Master, do you even know what you have here? Love to burn.
But no, I look at you, and your eyes are as empty as paradise, silent as the cold stars, deep as the deepest rivers. You don't want my love.
If not you, then who? I look for someone with eyes alive, eyes astar with hope and new beginnings and wonder and joy. I want someone who will love me in return, fierce as I love.
No. Not want. I need. I agonize. It is in my very blood.
I want to love and be loved back. I want a paradise that is not empty, but full of life and joy.
I leave you to your empty paradise.
I will be silent.
I must be silent.
END
I don't even try to express it in words. You, and the way I feel about you, and the forbidden fruit that you are, spark a fire in me too deep for talk, for idle whispers.
I look at you, I see a blank nothing in your eyes, and I know that you are remembering. I know you are remembering *him.* I know you loved him. And I know, just as strongly, that you don't love me.
If that's the way you want it, I'll be silent about the way I sing when I look at you. I'll school myself to block the thrills that soar through me when you touch me.
But I cannot *stop* myself from loving. Someone! Anyone! The universe makes me cling to the ones I need. The universe is always ready to break me. The universe frightens me.
I teach myself not to be tender, not to turn to you with my heart in my eyes. I was taught too well to love by a mother that loved me and that I loved. I left her, yes, I left her behind, but I cannot forget her lessons. In some deep place in my soul, her words still mean more to me than everything I have learned at the Jedi Temple.
Master, do you even know what you have here? Love to burn.
But no, I look at you, and your eyes are as empty as paradise, silent as the cold stars, deep as the deepest rivers. You don't want my love.
If not you, then who? I look for someone with eyes alive, eyes astar with hope and new beginnings and wonder and joy. I want someone who will love me in return, fierce as I love.
No. Not want. I need. I agonize. It is in my very blood.
I want to love and be loved back. I want a paradise that is not empty, but full of life and joy.
I leave you to your empty paradise.
I will be silent.
I must be silent.
END