While many of his colleagues had had wild nights out on the eve of their Templar vows, Cullen had stayed in. 16 years old, legally a man and a sworn Templar, he had stayed a virgin. He blamed himself for that, often mocking his younger self for believing in the power of true love. Sex was meaningless without love, he thought. He could imagine it, on that first boat ride over to the Tower. Maybe in a few years, he would meet his future wife. He imagined she would be a seamstress (Maker knows why) and they would have a little home on the banks of Lake Calahad and fill it full of children. He wasn't like other men, he prided himself, who were little more than boys chasing skirts. He would only lay with his one true love. He could happily wait until then.
And yet, that first time he crossed the threshold, crossing over into his new role, he saw her. An elven woman, close to his age. Beautiful ebony skin, dark black hair that curled closed to the scalp. Soft pink lips that smirked at the newest recruit. He felt like he had been hit by a brick wall.
Surana, he was told later her name was. Noam Surana.
The first time she had spoken to him, he had nearly swooned. She had merely smiled at him, passing in the hall, and she greeted, "Hello." He grinned like an idiot, watching her walk by with a love-sick expression. The guilt struck at him then, humming in the back of his mind.
She deserved better than him. A Templar was meant to protect the mages, a position of authority. She was his charge, his responsibility. They were not equals, they never could be. She trusted him, but he was not worthy of that trust. Not when he kept picturing the two of them...
Well, it was the Circle Tower. It was difficult not to find a couple pressed in some corner or bookcase or desk or...well...anywhere.
But the point was, it didn't matter. He could never act on his feelings. Surely, she did not feel the same for him, and even if she did...
He could never do that to her. How could she ever truly love him? In the end, all he could do was hurt her.
That guilt stayed there as three years passed, merely growing as he found himself falling more and more in love with her. She had a strength in her, a raw energy that survived even in the dark halls of this place. No one could take that from her, not even some of his less...wholesome colleagues.
He was not meaning to watch her that day. He was passing through the library on the way to his weekly meeting with Gregoir. He saw the three Templars surrounding her, the one touching her cheek in an intimate way. He would have left, but he saw her face, the slight biting of her lip on an otherwise stoic face.
Her eyes met his for a second before she turned again, letting the Templar lean in for a mocking kiss as his companions laughed.
Cullen coughed loudly and the knight smirked, leaning his hand against the wall.
"Want to join us, brother?" He called out, "I'm sure this one doesn't mind a fourth."
Noam said nothing, ire flickering in her eyes as she glared at the intruder.
"I think you should leave the mage to her studies," Cullen said calmly, "It would be a shame if you distracted her. Gregoir insists on his mages being well-educated."
"Piss off, Cullen," he replied, backing off, "You never let a man have any fun. Come on, lads, let's go monitor the barracks."
He could hear Surana sigh as the others left, closing her eyes slightly. She nodded briskly to him, and she turned to leave, pausing as Cullen tried to clear his throat.
"Did you say something?" She asked softly.
And in that moment, he wanted to sweep her into his arms and kiss her. How in the Maker's name could she not know? How could she not realize-
Cullen swallowed hard and blushed, "No, apprentice. I'm sorry my colleagues are not fulfilling their duties. Please, excuse me."
Her hand brushed against his as she left and his heart raced. He smiled quietly to himself. He really was a stupid man to think anyone as brave as her could love her captor.