"Alistair Scott, Alistair Scott, we hate you, oh Alistair Scott."
This is what Will, Jay, Simon and Neil were singing as Jay drove them to the Kent coast one Saturday afternoon during a May heatwave. Alistair Scott, the Rudge Park sixth former whose bout of kidney failure had previously inspired a fashion show and what Will called "a load of sanctimonious hogwash", had now become the catalyst for a new fundraising event. After the fashion show had made enough cash to buy a dialysis machine for St Margaret's Hospital, Alistair, together with Carli, had gone on to raise even more money for kidney charities by staging various events around town; and Alistair had become a familiar face in the local press, with phrases like 'teenage hero' and 'inspirational youngster' accompanying his name. Much to Jay's disgust, his dad Terry had been approached by Carli, who was keen to organize a fundraising weekend for Alistair at a caravan park; and Terry had been only too pleased to introduce her to the Caravan Club top brass. In fact, both Jay's parents would be at the weekend, along with Simon's parents and Will's mum. Carried away with the Alistair hype, they had all put pressure on their sons to attend; in spite of the fact that the boys' A Level exams would be taking place over the next few weeks. Neil, on the other hand, was only going because the others were going.
"So what is it that's happening over the weekend again?" Neil asked now from his seat next to the driver's.
"There's the ballroom dancing competition this evening, with the buffet - then there's the barbecue tomorrow afternoon, then we all go home on Sunday ", replied Simon, who was sat behind Jay. "And it's all happening for £35 a ticket!" Will concluded sarcastically. "Here, what's wrong with this traffic, it's all snarling up", complained Jay. "And it's getting too hot in this car", added Simon, winding down his window. "It's getting too hot for a Friday in May", Will commented.
Neil tried adjusting the cooling system. "It's been broke for ages, Neil", Jay told him. "This is gonna be a fucking awful couple of days", he carried on. "Traipsing round after my dad, and that Strictly Twats Dancing bollocks. That's if we don't end up cooking in this piece of shit." Jay had tried to dodge out of the weekend until his parents told him that if he didn't help out, they wouldn't let him drive the Nissan Micra. Since it was his mum's car in the first place, and the only car he was at liberty to drive, Jay didn't have much of an option. "And to top it all off, I had to give my Mum a hand with the food all morning and my clothes stink of coronation chicken!"
"Mummy's little helper!" mocked Simon. "What's corporation chicken?" asked Neil. "It's little bits of chicken in a curry sauce" replied Jay. "My Mum always cooks it for special occasions."
"At least it's a step up from sausages, crisps and salad", Will remarked.
"Try and look on the bright side - Will and his mum will be taking part in the dancing thing", said Neil consolingly. "So will my parents", groused Simon, feeling embarrassed. "I think it's gonna be quite a nice weekend", decided Neil. "And I've brought along some beers for us to have after the Strictly thing, and some rollies and a lighter in case we score some more dope."
"Of course, because that ended so well the last time", said Will sarcastically. "I don't think anyone's going to be selling dope at a caravan park", Simon said, shaking his head. "Hey Will", Neil piped up, turning round in his seat. "Are you going to be doing the dance where you jump around a lot? I'd love to see your mum's boobs bouncing up and down."
"You mean the quick step?" replied Will, wiping sweat from his brow. "No, Neil, we're going to be doing the waltz, and that doesn't involve anybody's boobs bouncing, least of all my mother's; and she will not be wearing a skirt that flies up to show her knickers either."
"Shame", groused Neil. "Just imagine that, though", exclaimed Jay, gazing around at everybody with a naughty look on his face. "Especially if she was wearing those sexy purple knickers we found!" Neil threw back his head and laughed. "Ooh, I can picture it now", snickered Simon. "Yes, and that's all you'll ever be able to do", Will ranted, annoyed at having given his friends fresh ammunition for winding him up. "Picture it!" Neil and Simon laughed again.
Jay sounded the horn impatiently. The traffic was slowing to a crawl, and all four boys were feeling the heat. "I'm pretty sure nobody on this road can go any faster than we are", Will stated. "How are we supposed to get there for this evening?" Jay shouted. "Hey, answer that for me, Neil, will you?" he added as the phone on the dashboard sounded. "If it's my Dad, tell him I've got my foot to the floor and we're bombing along."
"That's the text sound, innit?" Neil pointed out. Picking up the phone himself, Jay looked at the message. "Are you sure it's safe to look at texts when you're driving?" Will chided. "We're practically at a standstill by now", reasoned Simon. "What difference does it make?"
Jay looked at the text and then laughed. "Hey guess what?" he said the others. "There's going to be spit roasting!" Will shook his head and sighed. "Jay, there's no need to lie to us, we all know by now that Caravan Club doesn't amount to one massive orgy." Jay looked put out – he was actually telling the truth at this point. He turned round in the driver's seat to face Will.
"They are going to have a spit-roast – my dad bought a suckling pig from the meat wholesalers, and they're going to stick it on a pole at the barbecue and roast it over an open fire", he retorted. "And it'll be the best fucking thing you ever tasted."
"You mean, you're gonna have a pig roaming around in your caravan?" asked Neil. "That's right, and we can teach it tricks", Simon laughed. "It's already dead, you pillock", sighed Jay, gazing out at the road ahead. "So in other words, the only pig who's actually going to be roaming around the caravan is your dad", said Will to Jay. "Fuck off", Jay replied. Just then, he saw that the traffic was just beginning to move again, and it looked like they were going to arrive long before it got dark. "Here we go", he said, turning to the others with a thumbs up. "Our coronation chicken awaits!" quipped Will.