Maybe it's because I'm in the middle of finals, maybe it's because the lack of intimacy in Naruto is conspicuous by its absence, maybe it's just cause few people could be weird enough to come up with something like this; whatever the reason, here's the result. First attempt at crack fanfiction, so be gentle.
Warnings: absurdity, family reunion, afterlife, spirit realm, supernatural, some OOCness due to obvious reasons, hopefully satisfying humor.
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Families are like fudge. Mostly sweet with lots of nuts.
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Clad an Uchiha in full armor, and there shall be no peace, the proverb said. The Shinigami huffed. He'd come up with a proverb of his own by then: Throw a dead Uchiha in a room, and there still shall be no peace.
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"So," Shisui straightened up in his seat, lifting the teacup to his lips, "you started a war – over a girl? Some girl she must have been."
Obito grimaced, both at the rude accusation and the mention of Rin as if she were mere cattle or a chest of gold.
"Wha- no! That is not at all – were you even paying attention to my speeches?" He complained, trying to ignite the youngster, but failing miserably. "I waged war against the shinobi system for peace! So that no more kids were ever sent to battle and no more people had to die for a piece of land."
"That sounds strangely familiar..." Izuna muttered under his breath, glancing at his brother with mild curiosity.
"Because that was me," Madara deadpanned, crossing his arms over his chest in defiance, shrugging off Izuna's gaze. "The Eye of the Moon plan was my idea. Hashirama's efforts and mine's turned out to be futile. With Konoha's foundation, we thought that the days of survival of the fittest would be over, that the blood of young children would be spared," his eyes closed, black tomoe spinning under his eyelids as memories came unbidden, "but it was not so. Hashirama, of course, did not want to face our failure, and so I battled him endlessly in hopes of getting through that thick skull of his. When I was…" Madara paused, mulling over his next choice of words, "defeated-" Izuna cringed, "I had to resort to more drastic measures. So I waited for my chance until the right successor of my will came along."
Obito nodded. Faintly.
"Ah, so you started a war over a man," Shisui noted, grinning widely at Mikoto as she poured more tea into his cup. Shisui was met with a murderous glare.
"In my times, such insolence would demand blood," Madara warned, "Is this how you raise your young men nowadays to speak to their elders?"
"Alas, we're already dead anyway," Shisui shrugged and lifted his cup towards Madara, "We have you to thank for that."
"Oi, Shisui, technically you weren't even killed, you killed yourself," Obito remarked, making Shisui grin sheepishly.
"Yeah, sorry for that, Itachi," he confided to the youngest Uchiha in sight. Sitting next to him, Itachi only half-smiled and whispered I know. "But you can't deny that there were rumors back then, at least that's what the stories that have reached our ears today say." Shisui glanced up at Madara. "You seem rather obsessed with the Shoidaime, Madara-san," he pointed out casually, yet with a glint of mischief in his eyes.
In a split second, Madara was grabbing Shisui by his collar, Izuna looming behind his brother as Itachi tensed almost imperceptibly next to Shisui.
"Be glad you're dead, kid, otherwise I-"
"Enough!" It was Mikoto who cut through the emerging fury, bringing all murderous intent to a halt. "Can we not have peace even here? For all your power and reputation, you quarrel like children," she complained. Seated next to her, Fugaku nodded. He had married well. Mikoto sighed. "What Shisui is trying to point out is that Uchiha men…" she coughed demurely, thinking how to catch the attention of these stubborn shinobi on their own terms "...don't get laid often." She took in the awkward silence that fell over them. Is this not how men talked among each other?
If asked, they'll claim they didn't, but all the Uchiha around her blushed then, even Madara's eyes widened at her words, more at the fact that a woman had dared speak so freely than at their weight.
Shisui amost staggered. "Eh, oba-san, I don't think I meant exactly-" Mikoto held up her right hand to silence him.
"I've had lots of time to think about it," she stated calmly, Uchiha matriarch pride caught in her voice. "Be it a man," she glared at Madara, whose grip on Shisui had relented to a slight tug at his clothes, "A woman," she stared at Obito, hunched on his feet further behind Madara and Izuna, "Or both, for Kami's sake, who cares who or what you're into, as long as you're not killing each other over it!" She slammed her fist on the table, catching Fugaku and Itachi by surprise.
"Imagine how different history would have been for the Uchiha if you all had just thought a little more about lust and a little less about war; gone on a date instead of a sparring session, for instance." She poked her forehead. "Can you believe how long it took this man to simply ask me out?" Mikoto gestured towards Fugaku, who turned his head to avoid his wife's gaze. "Three years!" She bellowed, "Three years until he took me out for dinner, you can imagine how long it took him to take me to-"
"That's enough Mikoto," Fugaku pleaded, still not able to look his wife in the eye. He whispered a strangled Please before she could keep on shaming him in front of his kinsmen. And his son, oh Kami. Itachi's face was a poem, the impassive young Uchiha's features were molded into a mask of shock and disbelief at what was happening around him.
"Oh I believe it alright," Shisui conceded, nodding vigorously and shaking off Madara's hold on him. "Take Itachi here. He had a cute little brother and a cute little girlfriend, and in the end, he chose to murder her and let his brother live so that his hate towards Itachi festered to later kill him in atonement." Shisui saw Itachi's head hang in between his shoulders form the corner of his eye. "I repeat, he killed his girlfriend, yet spared his brother. Who was she again? Isa – no, Izuzu – ah, Izumi?"
Mikoto reached out for her son in horror.
"I didn't even know."
"Yeah well, Itachi never was much of a talker," Shisui mocked, choosing not to mention Shisui and Itachi's occasional displays of, um, affections in the later stage of their friendship. "Pretty thing she was, all smiles and flowery thoughts, and very dead, sadly. But Itachi didn't spend over sixty years plotting revenge against the whole world in a cave or march to war because of it. Sure, he became a rogue nin, and joined a dangerous criminal organization, but at least he was doing it for Konoha, in a magnificently efficient twisted way."
Itachi peeked at Shisui from under the pooling hair that fell over his shoulders. Had he done anything right in his life?
"You did good, Itachi," Shisui offered, rubbing his back in a comforting gesture, "Although you could have maybe, ah, spared your girlfriend too…?" Shisui prodded. Itachi kept his head down in defeat.
Obito strode towards the sitting Uchiha, standing tall over Mikoto and Fugaku.
"You belittle us, but look at your sons," Obito's arms flew upward, "Itachi had a girlfriend yet he discarded her with little thought and moved on without even so much as properly mourning her! Hell if it weren't for me, people wouldn't even know Itachi had a lover in the first place."
Shisui could be heard talking to Itachi under Obito's loud outburst, trying to shield his friend from all the back-stabs he was receiving, smile plastered on his face as he reminded Itachi of the old good times when he still wasn't known for killing everybody.
"And then there's Sasuke," Obito shook his head. "Now where to start with that one. He had the whole Academy fussing over him, all the girls stalking him to be his girlfriend!" Obito stomped his foot on the tatami mat. "When I was his age, all everyone did was laugh at me, me, "he poked at his chest, "a full-blooded Uchiha who would live to bring down all the Elemental Nations to their knees in fear-"
"You waited eighty years for this man, brother?" Izuna murmured next to Madara.
"subdue the Tailed Beasts-"
Madara sighed, arms once again hugging his chest. "Eighty years is a long time for a man to live out in solitude, Izuna. Dont' judge."
"and what did Sasuke do when his then-unknown-to-be-future-wife professed her love to him and offered to aid him in the long road to his revenge?" He paused, dramatically, "He turned her down. Even better, he tried to kill her repeatedly. And yes, like I said, this woman later became his wife. Moral of the story? Be a murderous sociopath and you'll get the girl," he coughed to still himself. "Ah, but that's a topic for a whole different discussion. So do you see my point?" He shifted his gaze from Uchiha to Uchiha.
"Sasuke's wife is really headstrong, eh?" Mikoto chirped in with a smile, trying to nudge Fugaku out of his scowl. "Our boy is lucky to have her." Fugaku simply nodded. Hn.
"Oi, I bet you're glad your granddaughter didn't come out with pink hair, eh, Uchiha-san?" Shisui teased Fugaku.
Obito sulked behind the Uchiha family. So much for trying to make a case.
"I knew Sasuke would do well… despite all the pain I caused him," Itachi hummed, head still bowed.
Mikoto and Shisui were quick to sooth Itachi with kind words. Don't even get me started on the disturbing brother dynamic you two had going on… Obito blurted out in a hushed tone, *cough* Uchihacest *cough* anyone?
"Izuna-san," Mikoto addressed the Uchiha, her hand holding one of Itachi's over the table. "What about Izuna-san? Did he have a girlfriend?" She asked, smile still gracing her lips. Izuna's eyebrows shot up as his eyes widened, taken aback by Mikoto's sugarcoated bluntness. He was not used to talking to women, much less being talked to with motherly affection. Izuna crossed his arms over his chest in his brother's fashion, although it didn't look nearly as menacing when you were not Uchiha Madara himself. Shisui beat Izuna to an answer.
"Oh there were rumors about Izuna too back-"
"I did not have time for such trivial matters," he scoffed, cutting off Shisui. "You lived, you fought, you got yourself a wife, put a few children in her and lived to fight another day if lucky, or were gutted in battle," Izuna shrugged. "That was it."
"We know which lot he ended up in..." Obito mumbled under his breath.
Mikoto rested one finger on her lips, pondering.
"See, what I was saying exactly," she beamed. "All Uchiha men need are women to ground them. Like Sakura does with my Sasuke. If only you'd all found a proper wife..." No one dared point out that Sasuke hadn't even been in Konoha for more than a week for over a decade. Mothers will be mothers.
"Not always women, oba-san," Shisui grinned, squinting at Madara and Izuna.
"I swear, kid-"
"But Madara-san, your brother also took after you, you see, or so they say," Shisui countered, his tone light, "When people talk of the famous Senju and Uchiha brothers, they talk about more than the battles they-"
This time Shisui barely had time to stop Madara's fist from colliding against his face, Izuna right behind him. Shisui jumped a few paces back to block the attack and Itachi had disappeared in a flash, or else Madara's attack would've striked him in Shisui's stead. Fugaku gently stirred Mikoto towards his side, shielding her face with his arm as the teapots cracked at the force of Madara's punch against the floor.
Shisui laughed as he swirled in the air, landing on the ground unflinching as he braced himself for further retaliation. When you're stuck in the Afterworld for eternity with a bunch of blue-balled seasoned shinobi, there's little you can do to make the most out of it. Shisui at least, tried.
"What are you insinuating-"
"I will kill this brat even if-"
"...Tobirama and Izuna, Hashirama and Madara, Tale of the greatest unrequited lov-"
"Shisui..."
"I wish Rin were here..."
Fugaku and Mikoto remained seated amidst the havoc running wild around them with dignified calmness, Mikoto apologizing for yet another set of broken teacups in between curses and the sound of cracked furniture as the four Uchiha lashed at each other with fists and jutsu, Itachi teaming up with Shisui out of camaraderie.
"You see, anata," Mikoto sighed as she laced her fingers with Fugaku's under the table, "Uchiha men really do need someone to ground them."
Fugaku thought about his clan, his sons, his wife. He gave Mikoto's hand a squeeze and nodded before ducking his head to let shuriken fly over his head. Hn.
If only the Uchiha had gotten laid more often.
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Hopefully, even if it's really bad it will have at least made you laugh at the absurdity of it all, so. Thoughts?