I pity the foo' who don't know that Evangelion belongs to Gainax. They'z invented the damn show and none a ya' punks out there better try an' steal it. Anno the man and I better not have ta' lay the smackdown on any of ya' old foo's so don't even try. No profitizin's gonna be happenin' from this here fic yo, so don't be up in my face with the legal crap. Stay in school; don't do lemons, unless they have a plot.
Relations
Chapter 1: Shinji, We Need to Talk
This is bad. This is very bad. No one gets called in for a private 'briefing' with Gendo for any good news. I hope this doesn't have anything to do with Asuka. He must know that I have a thing for her. He's probably going to order me to not start a relationship with her..
With these thoughts Shinji finally worked up the courage to knock on the Commander's door. "Enter." Gulp. Shinji pushed open the door and walked up to his father's desk, determined not let Gendo push him around…well, not too much at least.
"Sit."
"Yes sir." Shinji sat in the chair provided for him. It was a dingy piece really, constructed of aluminum, and it also looked to be slightly rusty. Gendo sat across from him, separated by a finely crafted oak desk which he was leaning on slightly. With his arms crossed he sat there for a few moments saying nothing. Great, this must be some kind of way to further intimidate me.
"It has come to my attention that you wish to commence a relationship with the Second Child."
Damn it. I knew it.
"This could have many complications. I do not think you are capable of handling this issue…"
"But father, I…" Shinji began but paused as Gendo held up a gloved hand to silence him.
"on your own," he continued, cracking one of his malicious sneers.
On my own? What can he mean? He can't possibly be thinking this should be a group assignment.
"This is why I have called you here. You do not possess knowledge of the tactics necessary to succeed in such a relationship."
"Tactics?"
"Yes. Now listen carefully. When a man loves a woman…"
Shinji immediately dropped his chin and stared at the ground after hearing those words. Oh God. This can not be happening. You have got to be kidding me!
"I know you probably have many thoughts running through your head right now. I know what boys your age are like and Asuka is an attractive female…"
Shinji blushed even further if that was possible. This is horrible. This is a nightmare. I don't know how this could get any worse.
"…so Major Katsuragi will brief you on the tactical side of the situation. Major," Gendo called.
With that, Misato entered the room and strode up to stand behind Gendo's desk. Damn. Famous last words. This just got about a hundred times worse and it doesn't look like it's going to be getting better any time soon.
"Shinji, pay close attention to the major's instructions. You can not fail in your mission."
"My mission?" Shinji asked, not sure if he really wanted to know the answer.
"Indeed. No Ikari has ever failed to win the woman of his choice and I will not allow you to become the first. Your natural Ikari charm will give you an edge but you will need more than that to please the Second."
Ikari charm? Ok then, no pressure at all. Please let an angel attack now. Please, please, PLEASE!!!
Misato then pulled a diagram out of the Commander's desk and taped it to the wall. It was a…oh my god…it was an anatomical model of the female body. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON??!!!
As Misato stepped up to the diagram, Shinji noticed she was now wielding a wooden pointer. "Shinji. I am going to divulge extremely classified information to you now. Few men know of these issues so it is imperative that you memorize everything I tell you.
O…K…I don't know if I want to know where this is going.
"Now there are 3 primary targets," She began, pointing to various, um…places on the diagram.
I was right, I don't want to know where this is going. Shinji was blushing fiercely at the moment and the fact that his father seemed to be studying his facial expressions wasn't helping at all.
"Most men already know of these. However, they rush to them without thinking. They charge in as fast as they can while ignoring the secondary and tertiary targets. I advise against this strategy. First off, if you just charge in prematurely, you will run out of ammo too fast…"
Shinji wanted to disappear. From Gendo's vantage it probably looked as though Shinji were trying to sink into his chair, literally.
"Also, you will be ignoring the female's desires if you take this approach. You know Asuka wouldn't take kindly to this," she added with a wink. "Do you know the other targets, Shinji?"
Does she really want me to answer that? "Um…yes, I mean no…I…no," he admitted resignedly. He wasn't sure if it was more embarrassing that he didn't know or that Misato was now going to have to explain these "targets."
"Ok Shinji, then listen up. The secondary targets are the lips and the neck. Most men still hit these areas but they do not focus on them enough. You need to hit both areas but don't stay on either one for too long. Variety is the key. If you stay in one place too long, its over," Misato said grimly while continuously moving the pointer between the lips and neck on the diagram. "Shinji, can you remember this? What were the targets and what should you do?"
Just answer quickly. The faster you answer, the sooner it will be over. "Li…lips and neck…alternate…ke..keep…them guessing.
"Them? I hadn't thought of that. Alright, we'll go over strategies for multiple partners later. That might be a little too advanced for you right now."
Damnit, damnit, DAMNIT! Answer slower next time. The slower you answer, the less likely you will be to screw… "No, not screw. That's not what I meant," he said out loud accidentally…up.
"Screw? Don't get ahead of yourself Shinji. You seem to be taking in all the info just fine so far. You just have to stay focused and not think of Asuka right now," Misato said, winking again.
Why does she keep winking at me? It's not making this situation any easier. Just stare at your shoes. Nothing can go wrong there. Shoes are good. Very good. Shoes are very nice and good and not embarrassing.
"Now, onto the tertiary targets. These are extremely important. Asuka will be very impressed if you handle these correctly because few males even bother to think of them in the middle of an engagement. They are, the ears, the arms, and the legs. Now don't go too hard on the ears. Just light nibbling will do. Any questions?"
Shinji just sat there hoping that if he stayed still and silent they would forget he was there. Then something almost as good happened.
"Well, if you feel you're up to it, you are dismissed then. Remember Shinji, failure is not an option," Misato concluded.
Shinji jumped up from his chair intent on leaving as fast as possible.
"Shinji." He stopped immediately and turned to face his father. "Make it happen."
Shinji stared at his father for a second as if trying to decipher what he meant. "Ye-yes sir," he replied shakily, then turned to continue his hasty retreat.
When he entered the hall he let out a huge sigh of relief.
"Hey Shinji, what's going on? You look like you just went through hell. I mean, I know the Commander can be intimidating but what just happened in there?"
Oh, thank God. It's only Kaji. "You don't want to know. TRUST ME. And…I'm okay now."
"Well, I'm glad you're fine now because I need to talk to you about something really important."
"What?"
"You and Asuka. You see, Shinji, when a man…"
Oh shit!!!
Notes:
As strange as this may sound, I sort of have an idea of something to write as a sequel to this (and no, it is not the discussion with Kaji, come on, give me more credit than that). All criticism is welcome and required. Have a nice day. At this time the second chapter is in its draft stage but progress is coming along quite nicely.