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Tangled

Once In A Blue Moon

Has there ever been one moment that seemed to define you? Completely change the course of your life? Yet at the same time, you could never have realized how life altering it actually was?

There have been dozens of times where I can pinpoint exactly how my actions and choices affected me, forced me down a different road. Altered who I was and those around me.

Many things happened that seemed so huge at the time. Some that I never thought I'd find my way out of.
Because of that, I learned at a young age how to build up the wall.
...Locking myself inside the tower, never letting the outside see the real me.

Given the chance, there are things that I would have done differently. Change if I could. But I'm sure everyone would.
But life doesn't work that way.

Specific things do come to mind, that have helped mold me into the person I have become. Some of the most life changing, were not for the better.

The night my father left. I can still hear the slamming of the car door. It haunts me, late at night echoing in my mind as I force myself to sleep.
...The wall came up that day, cementing itself around me. Breaking something inside me.

I always felt responsible for him leaving, that something inside of me wasn't good enough... worthy of his love.

Those same feelings resurfaced the day I found out I was adopted. I felt worthless and alone. Discarded like trash by those who conceived me.

I couldn't, wouldn't realize that my mama, the one who adopted me, wanted me. I chose to ignore the good and focus on the bad.
...Adding another lock to my already bolted door.

When Charlotte died, that was it, I lost it. I blamed myself. If only I could take back the words I'd uttered in anger only moments before. For years I'd wished it had been me. Who'd care right? She had been the one with promise; I was just trash from the wrong side of the tracks.
... Finding myself trapped inside a cage that shrunk with each breath. I ran freeing myself with that crunch of metal and screaming of tires.

These moments stand out, scream life altering. In some ways they were. They changed me, added their own brick to that wall. But deep down they didn't define me, they only assisted each other in getting me to that defining moment.
The one that changed everything forever.

I can still remember those first steps into that smoky room.
I breathed it all in, memorizing every minute, every second.
... My first taste of freedom.

Standing on that dance floor slowly swaying my hips to the music, each beat pounding into my brain, cementing the feeling for eternity.

The past... The future… Colliding in front of me.
Two different men, yet the same.

And I was drawn to him, my mind consumed by him. The future engulfed the past as our eyes locked.
And I saw eternity in clear blue.

Many things have affected us through the years, tried to split us up, break us down. But it always comes back to that night.
That life altering night...

In one moment... One defining moment.
He became so many things...
My friend, my protector, my healer, a father to my child.
... The only one, that ever really knew me.

Man of Few Words

In my short life, only one person has ever affected me, stayed by me and accepted me for who I am. Not in spite of the things I've done, or the mistakes I've made, but because of them.

I know, she knows I love her unconditionally... faults and all. I do. Deep down I do. But I also realize that the actions I've taken towards her and the choices I've made, especially the decisions I've made for her contradict that.

She trusted me with her deepest, darkest secret and I betrayed that trust. I pushed her away, turned away... ran away. I shut her out when I should have let her in. Chose others instead of her, when she only ever chose me.

She was the first person to know me, to accept me. Not for who I was, but for who I am. I tried to do that for her, to love all of her, to really know her. But it's like standing at the edge of a cliff, I could never take that risk, take that final step... I was too scared.

When I first woke up, all I did was chase death. See how far I could go before I felt fear. But no matter what I did it never came. Until that one night when I walked into my best friends apartment and saw her come down the stairs in his shirt.

I've never hated someone so much, with everything inside of me. Yet at the same time loved them so completely. She had betrayed me, ripped my heart out. Held it beating in her hand. And all I wanted to do was to run to her, gather her in my arms and let her take away the pain. But something inside of me died that night.

I watched her walls come down, crumble at our feet. When I finally whispered those three words. Then just as fast the walls came back up when she realized I uttered them in anger.

I stopped listening the moment she needed me the most. I ran away because of the pain, stayed away because of the guilt. I hated her because I loved her. The words I was so scared to feel, so terrified to say. I threw them away to protect myself. But I've learned in my short life, just because you run doesn't mean you can hide.

We've done so much to each other over the years. Things that no one else could or would forgive. Cut each other so deep, the blood should never have stopped flowing.
But we've given as much as we've taken.

Everyone around me, always asks why I stand by her, fight for her. But to me the answer is so simple; she does the same for me. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I push her away she's always there by my side, never letting me fall.

I know I take her for granted, use her... abuse her. Chose others before her.

But deep down, I know she believes that I accept her, that I love her unconditionally. I do. But I also know that my actions and choices have hurt her and made her doubt that. Made her doubt me.

I remember that first night I saw her. Her head was held up high, her hips swaying seductively to the beat. In that moment I felt something come alive inside of me. Something I never knew could exist. I was possessed. The thought of her haunted me. Consumed me... It still does.

I am a man of few words and show my emotions even less. To this day, that is my biggest regret. I held it back. I held it in. I should have taken her hand. Said her name. Told her that I love her and maybe things would be different. The way they should be. She would have come home. We would have been a family.

I've always lived in the moment, never regretting decisions I've made. I know I can't go back and fix my mistakes. You just learn from them and move on. Wishing is a waste of time. But if I could, I'd go back and whisper those three words she had once longed to hear.

The taste of her kiss, on my lips, I miss that.
All of the reasons I gave, all of the excuses I made.
All of the words I had left unspoken, all of the promises broken.
It leaves me empty inside.
My heart calls for her, dreaming that she'll walk through the door and leave me no more.

No one has ever fought so hard for me.
Risked everything they had for me.
I wouldn't see it; I didn't want to see it.
But once I did, it was too late.

Through Someone Else's Eyes

There are so many things that I would have done differently if given the chance.

If I could re-write history, I would have been the one she was coming to see that night, 8 years ago. It wouldn't have been a mistake; it would have been me she was looking for.

All of the lies, the betrayals, the second chances. None of it mattered; I wasn't the one she wanted. I knew that… I ignored it, but I knew it.

God, we had so much in common, we were so much alike though she'd never admit it. But, we still always came in second… even with each other.

Looking back at everything that transpired, I've tried to see if there was a way in. If I had just done one thing differently could everything be different? Could she have ever really loved me?

I fooled myself into believing she did. I tried to hold onto everything I felt for her when I first met her. That she did care about me once. That she still could. Even after everything.

I saw it, I fought it, but I always lost. I always came in second. Even to my own wife. I wanted to believe we were soul mates. But she wasn't mine and I wasn't hers. She belonged to him and no matter how hard I tried to fight it. It always came back to that.

But, I fooled myself into believing it was real and not just a figment in my mind. My drunken mind. When she kissed me and held me in her arms, whispered, "I love you." It was me that she was talking to.

But I saw it in their touch, the way she'd look at him when she thought no one else was watching. When she believed I wasn't watching.
I tried to ignore it, to push those images to the back of my mind, and lock them inside the cage. But I could never find the key.

I know now, I think I've always known. It wasn't me she wanted. When we spoke our vows, she pictured another man whispering them to her. When we made love, it was another man she wanted in her bed.

Going in, I knew she loved him. I just never imagined that he could love her back.

I want to hate her… She believes I hate her. But no matter how hard I try I can't. When I close my eyes I still picture her with him, yet even after all these years, I still can't hate her.

No matter how hard we tried to fight it, we were good for each other. She'd never admit it, don't think I could blame her really. Sure we could bring the worst out in each other, but we could also bring out the best.

The best day of my life was when I found out he was my son. My son… Not my brother's. I know I handled things wrong. I know the words I uttered in anger should never have left my lips. I know I hurt her and the fear I installed sent her to him. If I could take it back, take it all back I would. Maybe then we'd be a family. The way we were meant to be.

My God, she was my wife!!! He was my son and he stole them both from me!!! All that time we can never get back, all those feeling and emotions that could have been real, he ruined them. My brother stole them from me!!! He stole my family from me!!! Though, he'd never see it that way.

That night, on the stairs, that is my biggest regret. I never meant for it to happen. When she fell, I tried to reach out, grab her hand. But even as her name graced my lips I knew it was too late. Something died in me that day. I killed something inside me that could never be healed. I left everything behind, put up a wall, and locked the door. I struck out at everyone. Did things I never imagined I could do. Hurt her, beyond anything imaginable.

I can feel my mind slipping away; I can feel my last breath on my lips. I never believed I'd end up here. Alone in a hospital bed dreaming about what could have been. But, like they say in the meetings you need to take responsibility for your own mistakes. Stop blaming everyone else. But you know, it's no that easy.

I saw it… I fought it, but I always lost. I always came in second. I wanted to believe we were soul mates. But she wasn't mine. She belonged to him and no matter how hard I tried to fight it. It always came back to that.
And wishing for that to change didn't do anything, wishes only exist in fairytales and my life is no fairytale.

I don't think she ever really thought I loved her or that I even cared about her. I know she thinks I hate her and that I tried to hurt her. I don't know maybe subconsciously I did. But I do love her. Always have… Always will…

Broken

'Death comes upon me, do I fear it or do I walk away?
Do I hide from the light or do I embrace it?
Do I walk closer and welcome its darkness to cover me, to surround me and welcome its cold hand as it clutches my heart.
Do I fear, fear itself or run into its warm hands and drown myself?
I surround myself with this life. Beckon the darkness towards me; cry out for pain to find me.
Blood runs cold no longer red and warm but a sticky brown mess that slowly pours from the veins of death.
Every slice, every cut, every hurt, do you wish it upon someone else or consume it for yourself?
Do you wish upon others the hatred they feel for you?
Do you wish upon others the hatred you feel for yourself?
Or do you succumb to it and become it?'

I always end up back here; no matter how hard I try to forget I always come back.

I tried to shut off my emotions, to bury my feelings. But I can't. I don't know how to. I've always been a fighter, never backing down from a challenge. I don't know how to walk away.

But the night she died, I ran as fast and as far as I could. Became someone new, something someone could love. But I was alone, I was always alone. Until that one night when I walked into that bar and connected to someone in a way that I never believed possible.

Lately, everything inside of me is jumbled. I'm feeling things I haven't let myself feel in years. Something inside of me has broken something that I don't know how to fix.

My cheeks are stained with tears, my eyes rimed with red. I hate to look at myself, to see what I have become. I no longer recognize the face that stares back at me; I am no longer the person I once was. Everything that I have done, all of the choices that I have made, have taken me to this place.

I thought if I could go back to that first night I walked through these doors, I might see some resemblance of the person I once was.

I lay my head down on the hard, wooden table in front of me and slowly close my eyes. The lights around me are low; the music plays softly in the background. As always the music surrounds me, beacons me and my shoulders involuntarily move to its seductive beat.

My mind drifts to another time long ago when being in this place made me feel special, made me feel wanted.
I can still feel his lips on mine; hear his body call to me. Feel his warm breath against my cheek sending chills down the ridges of my spine.

He is apart of me, he makes me who I am and without him… I am lost.

I clutch the cold metal in my hand; feel its teeth cut into my palm. His keys… Our keys. Holding our past in my hands, I dream about walking up those stairs. Reality crashes in, the betrayal comes back and once again he has chose another over me.
All of the reasons he gave, all of the excuses he made. All of the things left unspoken, all of the promises broken. It leaves me empty inside.
Looking back at everything that has transpired I continue to ask myself was it all worth it. Was he worth it? Time and time again I convinced myself he was. That all of the bad moments, the lies, the betrayals, the broken promises were worth going through to have the good, no matter how few and far between they were.

If I had done one thing differently could everything be different? Could he have ever really loved me? I fooled myself into believing he did. That he did love me and that he still could. That he would someday see me. Chose me, put me before others, but he never did. I still always came in second, always have and I fear I always will.

All my life I wanted to find someone who'd love me for me. Accept me… faults and all. I thought he did. Looking back I realize how wrong I was, how alone I really am. I always chose him above everyone else, even my own husband.

I gave him a family; I gave him my heart. But he always seemed to throw it away without a moment's hesitation.

I wanted to believe we were soul mates, that we were destined to be together. But he wasn't mine and I wasn't his. No matter how hard I tried to fight it, it always seems to come back to that.

Every time I reached for his hand, said his name, opened myself up for him he rejected me. I began to change myself for him, become the person I felt he needed me to be so that he could someday love me. But it was never enough. I was never enough.

Growing up, I built a wall around myself letting no one in until him. When I finally heard him utter those 3 words I longed to hear, my heart almost leapt from my chest. When I realized he spoke them to hurt me, a part of me died.

He was a part of me, he made me who I am and without him… I am lost.

Our relationship, our friendship was all in my mind. I fooled myself into believing it was real…that we shared something that mattered. That someone could chose me. Want me…the real me. But as usual I was wrong… Now he doesn't even remember me…

The End.