I like parodies...parodies are funny, aren't they...unless you're talking about those cheesy stories that only the authors think are funny...unless the author doesn't even think it is funny...then it's really bad...either way, I hope you enjoy this.
Note to Mecha Scorpion if you're reading this: Sorry for not waiting for you to write one instead. I guess I just got some good ideas and couldn't wait to put them to use.
Chapter 1: Punishment, thy name is Pancakes
I do not own Sonic the Hedgehog or any related characters, and I am in no way affiliated with Sega.
Shadow was standing over a hill, looking at the town.
Shadow the Hedgehog...he thought. That's a cool name. Too bad it's not mine. What's mine anyway? And why does that cool name Shadow the Hedgehog haunt me? It's the only think I can remember, other than the entire English language, the ability to run, jump, and other stuff that isn't necessary to list, and that gruesome image.
Shadow was holding hands with some random blond girl while running down a passageway with GUN soldiers following behind. Maria looked at Shadow innocently.
"Shadow..." she said. She looked at the GUN soldiers. "KILL HIM!" she shrieked, and Shadow was somehow unable to hear. Most of them never went to school and so they had the gun facing the wrong end. They shot themselves, but a few blind ones remained and shot aimlessly, unintentionally killing Maria.
"Maria!" Shadow shouted, and everything went white as his memory conveniently resembled a movie theater with no popcorn.
Who is this Maria? Shadow continued to think.
Red clouds formed above Shadow and huge aliens and such creatures fell down from the sky and onto cars and caused destruction and panic and everything else you see in an everyday alien attack which Shadow somehow mistook for humans. "I don't have time for these humans," said Shadow.
Then, an alien that clearly wanted to be a teenager approached him. "Shadow..." he said in an incredibly deep voice that most people mock in today's world. "The promised time is near...and there is no way I could be taking advantage of the fact that you have no memory to trick you into getting the Chaos Emeralds, so don't suspect me..."
Shadow raised an eyebrow.
"Get me the Chaos Emeralds, and I'll buy you a key chain," he said.
"A...key chain?" repeated the power-hungry hedgehog.
"Um...an ultimate key chain," the alien leader assured.
Shadow's eyes went bright for no reason and then turned back. The alien disappeared and smoke clouds blew up in front of Shadow.
"If he says he knows who I am, which he clearly never said, then like it or not, I have to believe him. If I'm going to find out the truth, and get a cool key chain, then I've got to find those Chaos Emeralds!" He dashed off into town, where there was a giant scoreboard, with one side labeled "Humans" and the number "0" below it and one side labeled "Aliens" with the same number below it.
A giant beam came down and blew up one of the soldiers. The "0" under "Aliens" changed to a "1," and several cheerleaders were dancing on bleachers before promptly turning into slices of pizza.
Shadow wanted to get to the alien leader--
"Nyugguguguguh!" yelled one of the aliens incoherently.
...Shadow wanted to get to the alien leader, and so began killing soldiers. Sonic came up to him.
"I hate to tick off GUN," he started. "But I think Homing Attack is the only way through."
Shadow began to jump, but was interrupted by a shriek from Sonic. "Hey, they're on our side!"
Shadow glared.
"Why are you just standing there?" Sonic wondered angrily. "Homing Attack is the only way through."
Shadow began to jump again, again to hear a yell from Sonic. This process repeated until Shadow threw Sonic off a cliff that ironically resembled an alien's mouth. Shadow used Homing Attack to get across, and finished off the rest of the soldiers.
However, there were two left so I guess I lied. They were pointing guns at Shadow.
"Broadcast to all mobile units..." commanded the soldier that didn't fight at all but just told people random things. "Kill Shadow, kill Shadow, kill Shadow..." Shadow destroyed the source of the redundant noise and started off.
"Outta my way, comin' through," said Shadow. Then he realized he was walking away from the soldiers. Embarrassed, he turned around and headed toward the soldiers.
"S-stop!" the soldiers exaggerated a stutter. "Don't move! Or w-w-w-w-w-we'll shoot!"
"Stupid humans," said Shadow, jumping up, defying gravity and knocking over the soldiers. Next, he fell.
"Very impressive, Shadow," said the alien leader coming up.
"All I did was knock over two soldiers," Shadow said, confused. "Oh, uh...what? Oh yeah. Who are you?"
"Black Doom," the alien leader said seriously, causing Shadow to laugh as it was obvious that the creators put no effort into his name. "I mean...you don't remember anything, do you? But you will in time...but for now, I want you to access the united federation's mainframe..."
"What's that?" Shadow asked.
"The government's toilet," Black Doom declared. He shot out a light and a protest was sent in to the government as the most ridiculous way of warping someone ever.
Shadow reappeared in the cyber world, with random brown chunks floating everywhere.
"Destroy the power supply," started Black Doom. "Plunging the toilet...uh, world into chaos!"
"Why don't you do it yourself if the humans are so inferior?" Black Doom ignored this. The power supply looked like a colossal flusher, and Shadow destroyed it somehow.
He reappeared in Eggman's lair somewhere, and saw no change in the world and that he had basically just wasted time. "Maybe he can tell me about those black creatures," said Shadow.
"You racist!" shouted Tails who had jumped through the wall and then he flew up out of the ceiling.
"All right then," said Shadow. He lit the torches for Eggman's base, which Eggman clarified as his special defense system, if by "special" you mean there's no way that it could keep anything out.
Eggman landed in a giant robot. "What are you doing here, Shadow?" Eggman snapped, even though he had already known Shadow was there before.
"Doctor..." Shadow gasped dramatically. "I have to find...my past...and it lies...uh...somewhere..."
"Enough of this nonsense! The Chaos Emeralds belong to me, all of them! No one gets in my way! Those who do will be destroyed!" said Eggman, making numerous hand gestures as he spoke.
"Those last two sentences you said contradict each other," Shadow pointed out, before taking Eggman's machine's wrecking ball and throwing it into it, obliterating the whole thing. Eggman's hovering egg was sent flying away.
Meanwhile, Shadow was standing next to Black Doom with many aliens behind him in the city.
Black Doom gave his next pointless command, and Shadow started his next task. He climbed up a building to see Knuckles, and it only took him two words to get pushed off the building as his voice was excruciating to listen to. Shadow activated all the bombs and reappeared in space.
"Shadow..." said Black Doom. "You must--"
"Piercing the stars," Shadow said before Black Doom got to it.
"The eclipse cannon. Now go! What fools."
They began a paraphrasing game, which became a fad in about twelve seconds. Shadow conveniently lost the ability to fly, and stood on an alien bird, destroying the ARK's defense systems as he went. One defense system went down. Two went down. Sonic was watching a football game. Four went down. Then they all went down and Shadow got inside the building.
"Blue falcon reporting...Blue falcon reporting...Shadow is trying to get to the eclipse cannon!"
Shadow stood there as a random truck flew in through the window and annihilated the entire machine.
"How will the eclipse cannon work with no emeralds?" asked Shadow. Five emeralds fell through the roof and into Shadow's possession.
"Sports!" yelled Sonic observantly, still watching the football game.
Black Doom was speaking in voice over. "We will now begin to exterminate the world's leaders who resist...oh, hey Aunt Betty, what's up? Yeah, not much, just—oh, sorry humans. We will now begin to destroy you..."
The eclipse cannon formed a beam, and millions of pancakes were shot out toward Earth, breaking buildings and aircrafts and other stuff.
"Mobilize Diablon!" said the commander, another name that Sega clearly worked hard on.
"Sir, the aliens are destroying our outer perimeter!"
"Mobilize Diablon!" the commander repeated.
"Shadow...I'm counting on you," said Gerald from nowhere.
"I know professor. The ultimate life form born to ensure peace and justice amongst all of mankind. Now I know what I have to do!"
He destroyed the government things and Diablon appeared. "Sonic, that's your cue."
"But the packers are winning!" Sonic complained.
"The packers aren't even in this game," the commander protested.
"Uh...they could be in the crowd." He went into the building and began to pointlessly punch walls. Shadow took this as an excellent opportunity to eat many of the pancakes that had flooded the room, and then to destroy Diablon, which he did. Sonic began to punch walls afterward for about ten minutes.
"Sonic?" Shadow asked.
"Oh yeah." He went over and lied down, pretending to be in pain.
Shadow began to open his mouth.
"Shadow, what are you going to do with them?"
Shadow stared, and then continued. "I finally have all the seven Chaos Emeralds..."
"Shadow--"
"Yeah I know. I am Shadow the Hedgehog, the ultimate life form!" He began to walk away.
"That's it?" roared Sonic. "Everyone knows that!"
"Oh wait, I forgot to finish. With the power of these emeralds, I will put syrup on some of these pancakes and eat them! And destroy the world. And laugh like I'm choking. Muhaha."
Uh...yeah, the next chapter (if I get encouraging reviews) will be the ending for hero mission of GUN base and Diabolical Power thing, because just the ending for hero mission of GUN base would be too short. Review!