YUM! DAIFUKU!

"USAGI!"

Burning a vehement red, Rei Hino angrily stomped out of her room carrying an empty daifuku box over her head. The girl was raving and no one – absolutely no one – was going to stop her.

"USAGI!"

Frightened men and women ran left and right, trying to get out of the fuming priestess' way.

"Rei! Rei! Stop it! You're scaring off the customers!"

Grandpa tried desperately to stop the crazed girl. But no, she was furious! She stampeded through the doorway and with every angry footstep, made the entire temple vibrate under her feet.

"Huh? Is someone calling me?" Happily oblivious, Usagi looked up from the charms Yuuichirou was holding out for her.

"USAGI! WHERE IS ALL MY DAIFUKU!?"

"Huh?" A stupid expression appeared on the blonde girl's face, and she pointed a confused finger at her nose. "Me?"

Rei screamed a sharp "USAGI!" and the three individuals left in the room – Yuuichirou Kamada, Mamoru Chiba, and Grandpa – all cowered in fear. "OF COURSE YOU!"

Usagi distorted her face into a grimace, punched her fists downwards, and with raised shoulders screamed back, "WHY DO YOU THINK I HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOUR DAIFUKU!?"

"BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE WOULD EAT ALL THIRTY OF THEM!"

"I DIDN'T EAT ANY!"

"OH YEAH?!"

"YEAH!"

"THEN WHY IS THERE POWDER ON YOUR SHIRT?!"

"Huh?" Usagi pulled her shirt out to look at it, and there was, indeed, a sugary white powder that contrasted against her pink-orange shirt. "I uhhh..." Usagi's face turned a bright red and she shrugged her shoulders with a wide and happy grin. In another instant, she reached into her pocket and slowly pulled out a white rice cake. It was obvious that she was thinking, "If I can't get out of this completely innocent I might as well try to get on Rei's good side and give her the one I was saving, right? Right?"

"USAGI!"

Rei threw the empty box at Usagi's head (unfortunately missing by only the slightest margin) and chased the dumpling-headed girl around the room.

Rei sat outside the shrine underneath a tree. She had pulled her legs to her chest and had her chin propped onto her knees. What a sucky day. Stupid Usagi had to go and eat all her daifuku. Seriously, she had thirty! Not one or two - thirty! Rei couldn't believe that she could fit all of those in her stomach. Actually, maybe she could. Usagi-chan had gained a couple extra pounds. Last night, her senshi skirt looked a little tight, and Rei could have sworn that she saw the slightest outline of a jelly roll.

If that wasn't enough, Grandpa poured sake on the wood she used for the flames last night. He had a little too much and thought it would be funny to see what would happen. Nobody told Rei, so when she put the alcohol-coated logs in the fire, a gigantic red burst attacked her, and the edges of her hair were burnt off.

To make matters worse, Rei had been feeling weird overall – especially around Usagi. She kept getting these sudden urges to just hit her. At first, she thought it was normal since they never really stopped fighting; but lately, Rei was starting to think there might actually be a reason, mainly because she's been the one instigating the fights when that was usually Usagi's job. She was just constantly annoyed.

Usagi had a wonderful family, friends who loved her, a boyfriend that would die for her, and now, she even had all thirty of Rei's daifuku in her stomach. Sure, Rei knew she had a lot, too; she even had a fanclub to prove it. But in the end… she dropped her head. That was just work. What did she come home to? Yuuichirou was like a monkey living at the temple; he certainly smelled and looked like one. Grandpa, on the other hand, was a senile old man and though she loved him, she had always felt that she was the one taking care of him. Usagi didn't have responsibilities like that – she had family, friends, and her perfect boyfriend to rely on. She could depend on anyone, and they would always do it so happily. Rei was certain that if she were to ever ask for the things Usagi did, everyone would turn to her with a raised eyebrow and would protest with a blank, "Uhh… no."

Jealousy, perhaps? Jealousy? Of air-headed Usagi? The thought made her cringe.

But maybe… maybe if she just had a boyfriend, all these woes would be gone. Like Mamoru-san, right? If she could have a gorgeous dark-haired, blue-eyed creature walk her home every day, kiss her good night, and save her from those ugly youma all the time then everything woul-

"Mind if I join you?"

And the gorgeous dark-haired, blue-eyed creature stood over her.

Rei smiled in response and shook her head, letting Mamoru take a seat. He sat on the grass and leaned back, reclining onto his forearms and outstretching his legs.

Stupid Usagi. Why did she have someone like Mamoru in love with her? He was so… so perfect and Usagi was just so… so not. Eh. He had such a gorgeous face that it even made up for his horrible sense of style. That queer-colored salmon button down, that frightful purple motorcycle jumpsuit, and that garbage-colored green jacket – which he was wearing at the moment – actually looked good when it was worn by someone who had as beautiful a face as he did. How absolutely irritating! Honestly! Come on!

"So what are you doing out here?" Rei asked, "Shouldn't you be inside with Usagi?"

Mamoru looked up into the treetops and answered, "I'm just going to wait for her. She's inside shopping for charms with Yuuichirou. Your grandpa told her that if she bought one, she would be bound to her lover forever. Sheesh, it's not like we don't already know we're going to end up together. She wastes so much money."

At his slightly acerbic remark, Rei couldn't help a curious thought from entering her head. She knew she shouldn't, but… but…

"Mamoru-san?"

"Hm?"

Rei looked down and fumbled sheepishly, tapping the ends of her pointer fingers against one another.

"I'm wondering – I mean, you don't have to answer this if you don't want to… but…" Rei struggled while she felt Mamoru's eyes looking at her. Handsome eyes. If only she had handsome eyes looking at her like that all the time. She would be so happy. "If… uh-umm… if you and Usagi weren't bound together by 'destiny,' do you still think you would have fallen in love with her?"

Keeping her gaze steady on the grass, which she suddenly took particular interest in, she felt her cheeks burn aflame. She knew Mamoru was looking at her with that familiar dumbstruck expression of his – the one that said, "Well, this is awkward."

"I-I don't know, Rei."

And another question sprang to her mind - another question that she would certainly be thrown into a world of demons if she'd dare to ask. "Would you have left me?" She wouldn't say it. She'd want to strangle herself if she did. And could you imagine how much the other senshi would want to kill her? And the cats? Thing is, it wasn't so much Mamoru that she was curious about; she didn't want him back. He was pretty dense sometimes – the ideal fit for Usagi. It was more about what he represented. He was, after all, her first and only boyfriend. She remembered how he'd paddle the boat on the lake for her or how he'd take her shopping and let her hold onto his arm as they walked around the mall. Every now and then, he'd even blush during those times. They were few and far-between, and she knew that he never loved her, but it was still… nice. She missed that, and she just wished she could have that again.

"Rei…" He chuckled, "To be honest, I don't know if I would've taken Usako so seriously if I didn't find out she was the moon princess. I only talked to her then so I could make fun of those dumplings on her head." He laughed, and then redirected his eyes to the treetops. "But it opened my eyes, because now," he continued smiling, "there are times when I look at her that…"

It was Mamoru's turn to appear uncomfortable. His cheeks turned a pink hue.

"That…?" Rei asked.

"That I think that I was never really living without her. She makes me feel alive." Mamoru looked up at Rei with a bashful smirk. "It's enchanting; she has that power over almost anyone. She can drive your emotions to feel happier, stronger, and more irritated than you've ever felt before."

Rei smiled and laughed while gushing secretly to herself.

"Rei, look out!" Mamoru yelled pointing to her opposite side.

"Huh?" Rei looked to see a bright green snake glaring at her. She yelped aloud, and in a flash, the snake lunged forward and bit her forearm.

"Damn it!" Mamoru slammed a fist against the snake's body forcing it to let go of Rei's arm. He then stood up in an oddly super-hero like fashion, picked up the snake, stared it in its eyes, and said in a deep, heroic Tuxedo Kamen voice, "I cannot allow feetless creatures to bite the arms of beautiful, fair maidens!" After another moment, Mamoru moved his body dramatically and hurled the snake over the fence.

Rei could only stare at him dumbly.

"Are you okay?"

"…"

She was still in disbelief. She already knew that Mamoru was a little weird with his bizarre affection for roses and tuxedos, but this was a little much.

Mamoru reached for her arm, studied the bite, and made a slight "tsk" noise with his tongue

"Mamoru-san, it's oka-. Ah!"

The gorgeous dark-haired, blue-eyed creature placed his mouth on her arm and began sucking at the wound. Rei only had one thought, which was soon voiced by Usagi's shrill screaming.

"WHY ARE YOU KISSING HER!?"

Usagi ran down the temple steps with more speed than Rei ever thought was possible (especially since she was getting so chubby) and smacked the back of Mamoru's head with an angry open palm.

Mamoru's head toppled to the side. When he looked up, he looked into the wide, burning-with-a-new-need-to-kill-someone eyes of his mad girlfriend.

He had to spit what was in his mouth before he yelled back, "Usako, WHAT are you DOING?!"

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" Usagi's face was red, her shoulders were tensely raised, and her hands were in tight fists shaking from fury at her sides.

"I'm sucking her arm to get rid of the poison! That's what you're supposed to do with a snake bite!"

"Oh." Usagi then burst out in hysterical laughter and reached around to scratch the back of her head. "HAHAHAHA! I knew that!"

"Usako… geez."

Mamoru then turned his attention back to Rei. He pulled a handkerchief from his back pocket and wrapped it around her forearm.

"There. I don't think it should be anything serious. I'm pretty sure that it wasn't poisonous, but I got rid of any affected blood just to be sure. Wash it, and keep a watch on it. If you notice anything different, just call and I'll take you to the hospital."

Rei smiled and graciously replied, "Thank you."

They shared a look of understanding, and after another second, they were disrupted by the sound of Usagi quietly crying in the corner.

Rei called out to her, "Usagi, stop being so stupid. You always cry whenever I get hurt. I'm okay."

"Not everything is about you, Rei. Why would I care about your snake bite?"

Rei's face dropped. She furrowed her eyes into tiny, angry slits and growled quietly.

"…"

"It's because Mamo-chan sucked on you! He doesn't love me anymore!" She broke out and wailed hysterically.

"Usako…"

And another hysterical outburst.

"Oh man…" Mamoru shook his head, and then looked at Rei to see her shaking her head in annoyance as well.

When Rei looked up at him, they shared an exasperated glance. Afterwards, Rei gestured her head in a way that said, "Go on. Be the perfect boyfriend you know you are," while pointing to Usagi.

Mamoru nodded, smirked, and then turned his attention back to the hysterical girl.

"Usako, stop it."

In between tearful gulps, Usagi was able to mumble loudly, "I-I can't! Y-you don't love me anymore!"

"Usako…"

"Ahhhhhhhhh!"

"Usako, stop it or else I'm going to suck on you!"

When Usagi looked up, Mamoru was already positioned like a predatory lion ready to pounce.

"Ahhh! Mamo-chan! No!" she cried with laughter.

Usagi then got up clumsily and ran down the steps of the shrine, giggling all the while. Mamoru followed soon after and chased her down the stairs.

When the pair left, Rei stared out the exit and knew that it would only be another second or two before Mamoru caught up with her. He'd probably pick her up and spin her around, too. And then he'd lean down and give her a deep kiss – the exact kind of kiss Rei had always dreamed of where they would taste each other's sweetness and pour all their passions and longings into one another. Lucky Usagi.

Rei sighed despondently, got up, and walked back into the temple.

A soft knocking came at Rei's door. When she opened it, Usagi was standing in the doorway holding a gift-wrapped box.

"Hi Rei-chan! I got you a gift!"

Rei raised an eyebrow, mumbled a slow, "Uhh…" and accepted it skeptically.

"Gosh… I might as well take it back if you're going to look at it like that."

Rei smiled and said, "No… I'm sorry. I'm just a little tired. Thank you for the gift."

A wide, happy grin appeared on the blonde girl's face.

"Come inside. We'll open it together."

"Okay!"

Rei sat down on her bed, and Usagi sat on the floor beside her legs. She put the gift on her lap, then carefully peeled the ribbon off and gently unfolded the wrapping paper.

"Why do you have to open it like an old lady?"

"…"

Rei rolled her eyes and ignored the comment. She continued to take off the wrapping paper, and when she saw the box, she asked puzzled, "Daifuku?"

"Yup! I felt bad after I ate all of yours so I decided to get you a new box. I got you fifty this time!"

"Did Mamoru tell you to get this?"

Usagi's face dropped. "Why are you so mean??? I just wanted to do something nice, and you have to ask me if Mamoru thought of it."

Rei said nothing, but stared blankly at the girl unconvinced.

"Fine! He paid for it! But it was still my idea!" Usagi pouted, crossed her arms, and then looked down grumbling.

Rei smiled and then rolled her eyes. "Stupid Usagi…"

The pair was quiet for several minutes. In boredom, Usagi began sliding her feet back and forth across the floor. Rei, in turn, was lying on her back – her long locks wrapped around her in a thick cascade – as she gazed up at the ceiling.

The silence was broken when Usagi asked, "Rei, is something bothering you? You're acting funny."

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"I don't know. You just haven't yelled at me for a long time, so I'm getting a little worried. Not too worried, though because you've still managed to be really sarcastic."

"Oh, no. Like I said, I'm just a little tired."

Usagi scrunched up her face glumly. In another instant, her eyes brightened, and she cried with excitement, "Oh! I have an idea! Let's have a contest to see who can eat more daifuku!"

Rei rolled her head to look at the dumpling-headed girl. "There's no way that I can even come close to thirty."

"Yeah, but since I already ate thirty, that means you have a greater chance of beating me."

"You're so dumb."

"Hey! Come on and play with me!"

"That's okay. I don't want to."

"Rei!"

"…No."

"Fine!"

"Hey! Usagi, stop it! Stop it! Those are mine! You gave those to me!"

Usagi had already ripped opened the box and put three in her mouth when she mumbled with a mouthful, "So? I still want to play!"

"USAGI!"

Twenty minutes later, the two girls were sprawled on their backs with tired but happy expressions on their face. The box of fifty daifuku was all gone. Rei got sick after fifteen, but somehow, Usagi was able to fit another thirty-five in her mouth.

"Usagi, are you still alive?"

The blonde could only moan a painful, but a happy-painful "Mmmmmmm" in response.

Rei couldn't move, but from the corner of her eye, she could see Usagi get up slowly into a crawling position and make her way towards her.

"Uhh… Usagi? What are you doing?"

Another moan.

"Usagi?"

Another moan and the girl drew closer.

"USAGI?!?!?" Rei was freaking out. What was she going to do? Usagi looked so scary right now. Her hair was disheveled. Her face was red. And she was just so… so fat!

Inches away.

"No! USAGI?! No! Don't do that!"

And the girl dropped her head onto Rei's stomach with a heavy thud and lied there quietly.

"Ow! Usagi! You already know my stomach hurts!"

Another moan. She then closed her eyes, and cuddled herself up against Rei's warmth.

"Geez, Usagi…"

"Rei?"

"Huh? I thought you couldn't talk." Rei looked down and saw bright, blue eyes looking up at her.

"It hurts to… but…" Usagi inhaled deeply and winced. After sixty-five daifuku, it's amazing that she was still alive. "I want to tell you something."

"Hmm?"

"I'm glad I hav-…" she said as her words drifted off.

Rei waited patiently for Usagi to finish her sentence, but after a minute passed, she looked down to see Usagi curled and snoring against her stomach.

"Usagi!" Rei growled. "You're so dumb!"

She struggled to push herself into a sitting position and then slid Usagi's head onto her legs. Her fat head on her stomach was making her feel sick. Rei looked around and tried to find a cushion so that she could get Usagi completely off of her; but with the closest pillow several meters out of her reach, Rei just bit her lip and looked down at the sleeping girl. Her mouth was ajar, and though she was drooling slightly on Rei's jeans, Rei didn't mind surprisingly (which was equally a surprise to herself). It was rude and kind of disgusting, but at the same time, it was oddly comforting. Usagi was... She could yell at her, throw things at her, and call her stupid over and over again, but Rei knew that despite everything, she was closer to Usagi than anyone else. It was at that moment that Rei understood what Mamoru had said. It was true – Usagi did make her feel alive.

Rei bent down and kissed the sleeping princess gently on the forehead. "I'm glad I have you, too."

The damp spot on her jeans was getting bigger, and Rei could no longer stop the rising frustration that made her face burn red.

"USAGI! GET OFF OF ME!"

"Huh?" Usagi blinked her eyes slowly and confusedly.

"LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MY PANTS!"

Usagi lifted her head and saw the round patch of wetness on Rei's jeans. "Oh… oops…"

"USAGI!"

"Rei!" Usagi wailed hysterically, "No fair! I can't even yell back because my belly hurts!"

"USAGI!"

"Ahhhhhhh!"

oneshot~fin

Disclaimer: Sailor Moon and all its characters belong to the lovely, Naoko Takeuchi (not an online user named .mangoseed, obviously).

Author's Note: A silly one-shot I thought of one day at work. I don't normally write humor fics, but the idea entertained my mind long enough for me to actually write this. Hope you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading!