The air was crisp, and I looked upward, seeing the many constellations the night sky had to offer.
I then looked down, to see a similar shade of navy blue as the sky. Water rushed beneath the construct I stood on, the moons light shining on the murky depths.
My name, is Sean William Mcloughlin, and this is how I ended up on a bridge, contemplating whether or not to jump.
It was a Friday night and I felt nervous. No, nervous didn't even begin to describe it. What happened tonight could bring something new and wonderful, or bring my most cherished friendship to an end.
I debated whether or not I should even say anything. But in the end, I decided to call. Mark's icon for Skype appeared on my computer screen as I tried not to look nervous.
"Hey what's up Jack? Why'd you call?" Mark's voice was amazing, I thought, before catching myself. 'Focus!'
I had to take a deep breath. "Well, you know how we've been friends for a couple years now, right?"
Mark nodded, a slightly concerned look on his face. "Sure, what's up?"
"Nothing's wrong, I just wanted to tell you something important." I sighed, knowing that putting it off was only making him worried.
Mark smiled, looking to be slightly relieved. "Well what is it? It can't be that bad."
"Haha, yeah." I looked down. "The thing is, I'm not exactly..." I trailed off.
"Not exactly what Sean? You can tell me anything." Mark urged, making me close my eyes.
"I'm, gay." I whispered quietly, though it seemed to echo around the room.
"Sorry, I couldn't quite catch that." He said to my immense displeasure.
"I'm gay." I whispered again, slightly louder. I still hadn't looked up.
There was silence from Mark.
"Ma-mark?" I asked shakily.
"Don't call me that." A cold voice said harshly, making me flinch slightly.
I looked up to see my best friend look at me like I was the scum of the earth. It killed me even more as he spoke again.
"You're a fucking fag. Don't ever talk to me again."
"But Mark!" I squeaked.
He glared at me again. "Goodbye."
Mark ended the call, as I broke into tears.
The next few days were a blur. I still posted videos, but I was using prerecorded ones. My posts on twitter and other social medias were few and far between.
Eventually, I needed to record some videos, if I wanted to put out two a day.
I sat down in front on my computer, the camera rolling. Then I realized that I couldn't do my intro. I just couldn't.
That was what made me decide on the video I was doing.
"Hey guys, today I'm going to give an update about the channel. Now, I know a lot of you have noticed my scarceness on social media. I have been dealing with some issues lately, and I'm trying to deal with that. So I'm sorry, but I'm quitting YouTube for a little bit. I barely have energy for anything, and I don't want to be giving you guys bad content. I'll be back in a bit, not quite sure yet, but you'll know when that happens. Anyways, I'll see you then." I turned off the camera, sighing heavily, not even bothering to edit.
It ended up being a vlog titled, Taking a Break. After an hour or two, I looked through the comments on it.
"Are you alright?"
"Has he been crying?"
"What's going on? He didn't explain anything!"
"Get better and be back soon!"
I smiled slightly at how nice the community was, when an icon appeared on my screen. It was a blue fist.
I hesitantly hit accept, and Felix's worried face appeared on my screen. "What's up?" I asked, ready for what would come next.
"What's up?! Really?! You post something like that with no explanation while it looks like you've been crying and that's you're reaction?!" He almost yelled at me.
"Felix, I don't know what you want me to say." I sighed, he was the most dramatic man I knew.
His anger lessened slightly. "What's wrong?" He asked me, making me look to my left.
"I'm just not feeling great, that's all." I lied, hoping he would believe me.
"Bullshit. What's. Wrong." It was no longer a question, it was an order.
I looked at him, seeing that he was genuinely concerned. "I am no longer talking to Mark."
He looked at me oddly. "You two are best friends, even if you're fighting, you'll still talk. Is that it?"
"Felix, you don't understand. He told me, in no uncertain terms, to fuck off." I said, chocking up thinking about it.
"That can't be right! I'm sure he's just upset, he'll be back to normal soon." He replied, playing it off like a little spat was what was wrong.
I let a tear slip then, and he shut up. "I told you, it's not that simple. He never wants to speak to me again, and he fookin meant it!" It was my turn to yell now, my sadness turning to anger.
"Well if that's how you're going to act, then you can call me back when you're not being overdramatic." He ended the call then, and I walked into my bedroom.
I looked at the small keychain on my bedside table. It held a septiceye Sam being squished between tiny bow Tim, Edgar and Maya. The first reaction I had was sadness, quickly being followed by anger once again as I threw it across the room. I raged, tearing my room apart for hours.
Finally, my energy had been used up as I fell back onto my bed, looking up at the ceiling, now being able to hear the rain outside. I let the tears roll down my face, realizing that within a week, I had lost two close friends.
I woke up that morning feeling like shit with the biggest headache I've had since I turned eighteen. I got out of bed, rolling onto the floor. I just sat like that for awhile, contemplating how I could get two different people to hate me in such a short amount of time. All it took was a Skype call from either of them, and I was left alone once more.
I shook my head, dragging myself to the computer. Even if I didn't have to record or edit, I still watched videos. I ended up clicking on one of Mark's videos.
"Hello everybody my name is Markiplier, and today's video is directed to a specific person. This is someone you guys probably all know, his name is Jacksepticeye, and was a good friend of mine." His eyes suddenly got misty. "Now before you guys all freak out, he's not dead, I just fucked up, and badly. Which is why I said he was a good friend. He Skyped me a few days ago, and he trusted me with a secret that I mocked him for. I guess it was just shock, but I'm not making excuses. What I said was horrible, no one should hear that from a friend, or anybody. The point is, I'm sorry, Jack. I don't even have the right to to call you Sean anymore. I'm really sorry, and if you don't want to be friends, I won't blame you." A few tears had fallen down his face, and when I raised a hand to my mouth, I realized I had as well.
"Anyways, that's all for this episode, and as always, I will see you, in the next video! Bye bye!" He said, gaining some enthusiasm.
I wanted to be happy. Really, I did. I should've been, but all I felt was sadness and anger at myself that I had caused Mark to cry. That I let myself get mad at Felix. That I was stupid enough to think that telling Mark would be one hundred percent fine. There was a lot of anger. I decided to go for a drive, looking for my keys before remembering that I had thrown them across the room.
I dug them out from behind the debris of my rampage, looking sadly at the keychain.
The ride did help, a little. I drove out of the city, it reminded me of L.A, and I just wasn't dealing with that. I saw a large river as I drove over the bridge and decided to pull over. When I got out, I realized that it was close to dark out. 'How long was I driving?'
I shrugged, going to lie down on the cement railing of the bridge. I wasn't worried about vehicles, as it was in the middle of fuckin nowhere. I closed my eyes, and for the first time, was comfortable in nature.
I woke up to complete darkness, shivering a bit as a breeze came through. I sat up, sighing as i did so.
Which gets us to where we are now. I'm still contemplating, until something red catches my eye. For a split second I think it's Mark, until I see the body of a fox. I laugh, remembering that life isn't some cheesy romance flick. He's not coming to save me. Nobody would. After all, I'm just a Fucking fag.
As I'm thinking this, I stand myself on the side concrete rail, silently doing some logistics. 'If I fall from here backwards, I should pass out, making me drown, right?' I think, turning my body around.
"We'll meet again Mark, I hope it isn't to soon."
I let myself fall.