Welcome to my inner fantasy. I'm not usually one for writing two stories at once, but I needed a break for a bit from the heavy drama, and some bits of this are impossibly silly. Don't worry- there will be plenty more Secret History of Howard Moon- another 3 chapters at least :-) But I did very much want to appease Ms Violence4, who seemed very enthusiastic about the idea.

This is based around a mix of the live Rocky Horror Show and the movie, and in this chapter alone you can expect to see some terrible rhymes (you try rewriting these songs, it's hard. And there are many less verbs than you'd think that rhyme with "Vince"), one of the oddest pairings ever thought up, Bollo in a minidress, a proposition from Bob Fossil and some unfortunately messed up formatting. Hope all is good here.

Disclaimer: The Mighty Boosh belongs to Julian Barratt and Noel Fielding. The Rocky Horror Show belongs to the godlike entity that is Richard O'Brien.

The Booshy Horror Show

A cinema Usherette in a pink dress carrying a tray of choc ices stands in front of red curtains. The Usherette also happens to be a gorilla, and male.

Usherette (singing): Spider and Rudi were afeared when the bandit appeared

But they showed us a brand new sound,

And the Black Frost was there in sub-zero underwear,

The Egg of Mantumbi was waiting to be found.

And when Bob Fossil would dance in tiny blue pants

There were wide eyes and nausea abound.

Ballads, strange tales and legends unveiled,

But all of them hanging around

In the

BBC Three late night feature,

Comic battles with budget creatures,

Odd situations for the Mod and the Spanner

And the shaman that comes from another planet

In the late night repeat on BBC Three.

I know Old Gregg got flirty and kept talking dirty

Because he thought Howard was trying to be coy,

And Donny, Ramsay and more all got filled with amour

Not realising Vince was a boy.

Kodiak Jack met his fall when the yetis called,

An experience he seemed to enjoy.

But if you call out my name when everything seems the same

I can recommend something to bring you fresh joy

Like the

BBC Three late night feature,

Comic battles with budget creatures,

Odd situations for the Mod and the Spanner

And the shaman that comes from another planet

In the late night repeat on BBC Three.

I need to see

The late night repeat on BBC Three.

It calls to me,

The late night repeat on BBC Three.

Dubiously kinky…

The late night repeat on BBC Three…

The Usherette leaves and the curtains open to reveal the outside of a quaint white church. Wedding music is playing, and suddenly the doors open and people rush out. Among them are the newlyweds, Lester Corncrake and his bride Leroy, whose face is hidden by a long veil, and their friends, our heroes Howard Moon and Vince Noir. As the guests congregate around Leroy, Lester sneaks away to talk to Howard.

Lester: Well, I guess we made it, huh.

Howard: I don't think there's any doubt about that. You and Leroy have been inseparable since you turned up drunk at his boss' funeral last week.

Lester: Yeah, that girl sure can dance.

Howard: You do realise he's not a girl?

Behind them, Leroy throws his bouquet into the crowd, where it is caught by Vince, who is overjoyed, jumping and squealing.

Vince: I got it! I got it!

Lester: Hey, looks like it'll be your turn next!

Howard smiles bashfully as the wedding car pulls up. Lester gets into the driver's seat and Leroy into the passenger side, and they drive away. Vince joins Howard and they walk through the graveyard as the guests leave and there is the smash of a crashing automobile.

Vince: Oh, Howard, wasn't it wonderful? Didn't Leroy look absolutely gorgeous in that dress?

Howard: Now, Vince, we're past this.

Vince: To think, just an hour ago he was just plain old Leroy, now he's heiress to everything Lester Cornflakes has got!

Howard: Yes, Lester's a lucky guy. Everyone knows Leroy gives the most amazing head.

Vince nods vigorously and agrees.

Howard: And Lester's just about to win another fraudulent compensation claim.

Vince: Yeah…

Howard turns to Vince with a look of determination on his face.

Howard: Hey Vince.

Vince: Yeah?

Howard: I've got something to say. I really admire the skilful way you beat all the girls to the bride's bouquet.

Vince: Aww, Howard!

Howard sings, with four Phantoms dressed in ribcage t-shirts with their faces painted like the Boosh-head logo singing the backing vocals.

Howard (singing):I've been feeling my feelings are the real things, (Oh Vince)

I can feel it as something begins, (Oh Vince)

Because there's nothing left here to convince. (Oh Vince)


I've one thing to say and that's

Vince, my prince, I love you.

Vince leans forward to kiss him, but Howard breaks away and returns to the church doors, singing.

Howard (singing): There were things about you that made me wince, (Oh Vince)

But I haven't thought about them since (Oh Vince)


I realised what I need to evince. (Oh Vince)

He draws a heart in chalk on the church door, drawing the attention of an irritated looking caretaker.


I've one thing to say and that's

Vince, my prince, I love you.

Vince runs towards him, and Howard cataches him and spins him around, drops to one knee on the steps, takes out a small jewellery box and opens it for Vince, who squeals in delight.

Howard (singing): Here's a ring to prove that I'm no joker.
There's three ways that love can grow;
That's good, bad or mediocre.

Howard takes it out as Vince holds out his hand, but drops it and Vince picks it up, pushes it on his own finger and runs into the church, leaving Howard to fall over outside.

Howard (singing):Oh V-I-N-C-E I love you so!

Vince (singing): Oh, if Leroy'd seen this he'd have glowered! (Howard)

My heart feels like it's been devoured, (Howard)

Even thought you won't let it get "soured". (Howard)

I've one thing to say and that's

Howard, I'm overpowered by you too.

Oh Howard…

Howard (singing): Oh, Vince.

Vince (singing): I'm overpowered!

Howard (singing): My prince…

Vince (singling): By you…

Howard (singing): I love you too.

Howard/ Vince (singing): There's one thing left to do-

Phantoms (singing): THAT'S SCREW!

Howard (singing): And that's go see the man behind our beginnings, (Oh Vince)

When he sold you to me as scaffoldings, (Oh Vince)

Made me lure you to me with shiny things. (Oh Vince)

Now I've one thing to say and that's

Vince, my prince, I love you.

Oh Vince, my prince…

Vince (singing): Howard, I'm overpowered…

Howard (singing): Vince, my prince…

Howard/ Vince (singing): I love you.

They lean in to a quick but sweet kiss. As this happens we are taken to a dimly lit but well-furnished office, where the narrator, Bob Fossil, sits in a chair waiting for us.

Fossil: I would like, if I may, to take you on a strange journey. Then, after you've been to bed with me, I wanna tell you this story.

A crackling sound is heard from a walkie-talkie.

Fossil (to walkie-talkie): What? ... (to us) Okay, I'm not supposed to take you to bed with me. But I am meant to tell you this story, so it's not a total loss. Not to you, anyways.

He gets up and takes a book from the shelf, and opens it to pictures of Vince and Howard. He then takes out his Dictaphone and presses the play button.

Fossil's voice (from Dictaphone): It seemed a fairly ordinary night when Howard Moon and his fiancé Vince Noir, two strange idiots with an unusual amount of luck and a talent for getting into and out of odd situations, left Dalston that late November evening to visit Bryan Ferry; singer, slave trader, Vince's adoptive father and now distant acquaintance to both of them. it's true that there were storm clouds, dark and… pen-du-lous towards which they were driving, and it's also true that the spare tyre they were carrying was badly in need of some air. But they being idiots decided to carry on anyway.

Fossil presses stop and closes the book.

Fossil: It was a night they were going to remember for a long time.