Title: Who Am I?
Author: obsessiveluv27
Summary: With everything going on in his life, who is House now?
Pairing: House/Wilson & House/Stacy
Rating: R (language, references to sex)
Spoilers for Finding Judas (this story might not make sense if you haven't seen up though that episode yet)
People are defined by three things. Their heads- how they think. Their hearts- how they feel. Their dicks- who they fuck. At the end of the day each of us has to answer one question- one not so simple question. Who am I; who am I?
-Augustus Hill, Oz
His Head- How He Thinks
House had always been able to rely on his mind. He could fail at other parts of this life, but his sharp mind was a constant. He remembered when Stacy left him for the first time and how his life seemed to fall apart. He couldn't sleep at night, he lost contact with any semblance of friends they once shared (except for Wilson), and life seemed a little less entertaining. However, he could come to work and overlook all of that when his new puzzle pieces appeared and his mind came up with the most remote possibilities and placed the pieces together. Not to mention his mind allowed him to get away with almost everything. Who cared how a person acted towards you when they could save your life? Needless to say he enjoyed making people's lives a little harder on certain days.
When Chase came barreling down the stairs to tell him he was wrong- that the way he was thinking was wrong- he couldn't believe it. His instinctual reaction was to quite the blasphemy. House had defined himself for as long as he could remember by how he thought. If how he thought was wrong, what did that mean to his identity?
His Heart- What He Feels
When most people meet House they think he is a cold-hearted bastard. On first glance he is. However, to those who know him best, they know how his emotions affect who he is. When he is hurt he becomes spiteful and cruel. He goes out of his way to make life hard for others. When he is angry he is loud. He yells and screams and demands to be noticed. House's happiness is shown through affectionate teasing and carefully disguised compliments. He bases many of his decisions on the way he feels. With that fact comes the problem, for the withdrawal he is going through affects his feelings. At the moment he can't distinguish one feeling from the next. They all fade into pain and suffering. Lately, he can't tell if he is making good or bad decisions, and without his decisive decision making skills where should he go next?
His Dick- Who He Fucks
Throughout his life House has fucked many people. Most of those forgetful faces were women, but now and then there was the occasional male. He has only had three partners in his life who meant more than a fun time for his dick, and only two of those were as an adult. Stacy was beautiful and smart. She was exciting, because he never knew if she would be gone the next day. He still can't believe how long the lasted together. He would purposely annoy her, for he loved when she got angry. The sex became demanding and rough. He still jacks-off to the memories of those hardcore sex sessions. Wilson on the other hand was stability; he was House's best friend and longest lover. He was always there, no matter who they were or weren't fucking at the time. Wilson was loving and sweet, but still had the occasional bite. House loved how Wilson always seemed to know what he needed, and no matter how many times House pissed him off he would always be there ready to take him back.
This was the first time in his life that he called out to Wilson, and Wilson didn't call back. Both his nights and days were lonely without his Oncologist, and he found himself dreading a future without him. His identity as a lover, as a doctor, and as a friend was tied with Wilson.
A Not So Simple Question
If a man was defined by how he thought, what he felt, and who he fucked then who was House? His mind was failing, his emotions ran together, and his lover was gone. Did that make him nobody? Was he empty inside? The only thing House knew was that he had no answer to the not so simple question of Who Am I?