I don't own Harry Potter.

My name is Lily Antoinette Evans and I am not insane. Just because it's early March and I haven't started to study for my NEWTS yet does not mean that I'm insane. Or the fact that being Head Girl is so much harder than I thought it would be. Or that I'm the Maid of Honor at my sister's wedding when she obviously doesn't want me to be there to begin with, yet she still expects me to help plan it. Or that James Potter hasn't asked me out or acknowledged me in a romantic way since the Quidditch Cup last year. Or that Sirius remembers everything that I told him at the after party and still holds it over my head. So I'm totally not stressed out. Or insane.

OHMYGOD WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? I'm going to fail my NEWTS, I know it. Then I'm going to have to live on the streets of Muggle London because I'll be such a disgrace to wizarding society that they'll kick me out and snap my wand. Not only that, but I'll be a lonely homeless former witch because James Potter has obviously given up me and has made sure in the past that no guy will ever approach me. While I'm living on the streets I'll probably join some sort of gang and get into a horrible fight where some big scary person named Thor will stab me with a knife, causing my untimely death.

So I'm going to be a homeless lonely gangster ex-witch living on the streets of Muggle London. Either that or I'll kill myself to escape Sirius Black who was not as drunk as I thought he was and recalled every single word that I said to him at the party. He still holds it over my head, threatening to tell James.

James. I miss him. We're still friends, but that's the problem…we're friends. Seriously, I get more action from Alice lately. She at least hugs me.

Oh Merlin, I'm hyperventilating. I can't handle this right now. Oh God, oh God, oh God!

"Lily, are you okay?" I turned to see my best friend Alice Hemmingway looking at me concernedly. Along with half the Gryffindor Common Room. I must be hyperventilating really loudly. It's because I'm asthmatic, causing my lungs to be quickly filled with mucus. I snore too because of it.

Okay, just play this cool. I can handle the pressure.

"NO I'M NOT OKAY!" I cried out. "Sirius is blackmailing me, my sister hates me, and she expects me to basically plan her entire wedding! Being Head Girl is ridiculously impossible, those lousy Prefects are always complaining about something! You-Know-Who hasn't acknowledged me romantically and I haven't even started studying for my NEWTS yet and I know that I'm going to fail, meaning that I'm going to be kicked out of the wizarding world, become a lonely hobo in Muggle London, join a gang and get knifed by some guy named Thor! And I snore! So no, I AM NOT OKAY!"

Alice acted quickly, ushering me out as I heard my fellow Gryffindors whisper 'She loves Voldemort?', 'Lily's in a gang?', 'Did you hear that the Head Girl knows a guy named Thor? He has a knife!', and 'THE Lily Evans snores?'

"It's okay Lily," Alice assured me as we walked down the empty corridor. "We're just going to go down by the lake to get some fresh air so you can clear your head."

"But it's almost eleven," I protested dazedly. "We're out past curfew."

"Yes Lily, we are," Alice answered calmly. "But you're Head Girl and this is an emergency so we're allowed to. It's written in the rules, I swear."

"Okay, if you say so." I can't believe I forgot about that rule! Seriously, this pressure is getting to me. "Have you ever heard of a wrackspurt?" I asked Alice. "They're truly fascinating creatures!"

"Merlin," I head Alice mutter to herself. "She really has gone insane. She's quoting Looney Lovegood!"

Alice might think that I'm insane, but I know that they're real. That charming fellow from Ravenclaw told me himself!

Merlin. I just called Xeno charming. "Alice, I'm scared."

"You should be." Some friend.

We spent the rest of the walk down to the lake in silence. When we got there, we walked out on a small pier type thing that I had no idea was there. "Alice when did this get here?" I asked, staring at the wooden platform.

"Lily, you're scaring me," she answered. "It's always been here."

I knew that. All this insanity is not my fault. It's…Potter's! I haven't been studying for my NEWTS because I've been worrying about him. He's been ignoring me. He made me fall in love with him. This is all James' fault! But wait. He's too sweet, even if he does like me only as a friend.

I was pondering whose fault it was when the giant squid emerged out of the lake, waving its tentacles to and fro. It hit me.

Everything was the giant squid's fault. It was insulted from back in Fifth Year when I told James that I would rather go out with it than him. It must have some sort of magic squid powers that allowed it to affect people's lives.

I had upset the Squid God. And there was only one way to fix it. I had to make a human sacrifice. It was the only way that my life would be back on track and James would love me again.

"Hey Alice, what's that?" I asked, pointing to the water while leaning over the dock.

"What's what?" she questioned, not quite leaning over far enough. "I don't see anything besides the giant squid, and even in your state of insanity you should be able to recognize it."

"Not all the way out there," I said impatiently. The sooner I offered a sacrifice the better. "Right over there." I pointed to just a couple of feet away from the pier.

"I still don't see anything Lily," Alice insisted. Yes! She's leaning over far enough!

I gave a good push and – SPLASH!

"LILY WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?" Alice screeched from the lake.

"I'm sorry Alice, but it had to be done," I explained. "You were my human sacrifice to the Squid God so he would put my life back in order. It was the only way I could keep myself from getting knifed from Thor, the leader of my gang's opposite."

"Lily Antoinette Evans, you are completely off your rocker!" she screamed from the lake as I turned around and started to walk back to the castle, whistling a merry little tune. "It's bloody freezing in here!"

When I reached the castle doors, I turned back; Alice's screams just barely a whisper by now. In the moonlight I saw the Squid God take Alice in one of its tentacles and gently put her back on shore. I took this as a good sign – he must have felt that by simply pushing her into the lake in his name was a good enough sacrifice. It was a win-win situation – I got my life back in order and got to keep my best friend!

I basically skipped back up to the Gryffindor Common Room, extremely happy that my sacrifice had worked. As I was about to go through the portrait hole, the Marauders came out, probably on their way down to the kitchens.

"Looking nice tonight Evs," James called with a wink.

Oh thank you Giant Squid God.

Well that's the last prequel to 'I Blame Alice.' I personally think that Lily is the most insane in this one. I also really like this one...probably my favorite out of the series. Well I dunno. Lol. Please review, otherwise I'll have to sacrifice you to the Squid God. (:

Isabel