Author's note: This is based off the episode Heaven and Hell season 4, set during the fight sequence between Alistair , Castiel/Uriel then jumps to about mid season 6. I was inspired by the expression on Castiel's face as Alistair begins performing an angel exorcism. Hope you enjoy!
Slamming his hand against Alistair's forehead, he could feel the sweat beading up through the vessel's skin. His grace coiling inside him, growing warm and righteous, surging up from his core. Smiting demons was needed but still saddened Castiel as he can see the human they once were as he sends them back to their corrupter. When casting out the demonic spirit from the body they possessed there is a kick, it never came. Instead there was a shove, nearly throwing Castiel off balance, Alistair sneered.
"Sorry kiddo," As he realized who had the upper hand Alistair broke free of the angel's grip. "Why don't you go running back to Daddy." Grabbing Castiel by the lapels of his over coat he tossed him backwards baring his teeth as he heard a satisfying thud. Castiel hit the ground eyes wide with shock, something Alistair muses is not easy to do. Following to the floor covered in moldering hay, he met Castiel half way as the Angel began to rise. Gripping the tie around this precocious little piss ant of an angel's neck, Alistair closed a firm hand around Castiel's throat. It was times like these he longed for the ability to just kill off angels, it really would just save so much hassle. But an exorcism would have to do. Making sure to enunciate each word clearly, as you had to be precise with angels those ridged, uppity bastards.
Eyes wide in surprise Castiel shut down, he had never been unable to smite a demon. He was a solider of God, even a demon as old as Alistair shouldn't have been a problem. For once in his existence he was following orders and had not succeeded. Shaken, literally from his thoughts he recognized that burning in himself, and upward pull. Wanting to fight back and actually acting on it are very different things in battle, one must weigh the outcomes of each decision measured in casualties. Being sent to heaven would be most inconvenient as that would leave his vessel vulnerable, killable. Then it would take time to find another, time they did not have. Alistair continued rattling out the words, for the first time Castiel was scared of going to heaven, of leaving the Winchesters alone with such a powerful force, abandoning Dean. As the last line of enochian began to roll out of Alistair Dean lashed out with a crow bar turning Alistair's attention to Dean and Sam.
Castiel sat on the floor of the barn observing in mild fascination as the rest of the events unfolded around him still dazed from his near ascent. Anna disappeared into the light of her grace leaving nothing of her mortal body. As the dust settled and the demons fled, they regrouped, Dean saying something and himself nodding numbly, agreeing and leaving with Uriel. But the only thought that was crossing his mind was so this is what it feels like.
"And that was the moment I realized." Castiel finished removing his index and middle finger from Dean's own forehead. He had asked to know what was troubling Cas, so Cas had simply shown him. There was a long silence that stretched between the two of them as they sat on a park bench close to the shady motel the Winchesters were hunkered down in for the next couple days. It was a brisk night, the air they released steaming out. Castiel lacing his hands together between his knees, realizing it had been a while since he had prayed. Dean sniffed, cool air rushing into his lungs as he processed what the hell Cas mean't by so this is what it feels like. He wanted to ask, wanted this angel to just out and say it, cause he sure as hell wouldn't be the first to verbalize those words. Dean was intensely aware of every more Cas made, each shift and breath in, breath out.
Sitting there in the still of the evening listening to the animals coming awake around them Dean felt timeless. He grew impatient.
"Um, what?" Castiel turned his head sharply to face Dean on his left, as though he had forgotten he was even there. "Do you wish for me-"
"no, no I heard ya, I guess I'm just having kinda a hard time understanding the cryptic wording. What the hell do you mean by feels?" Cas shifted uneasily looking the most nervous the hunter had seen him in a while. At first Dean thought that there would be another drawn out silence.
"The moment with Alistair, it, brought to my attention certain emotions I had begun experiencing for you, I had never felt anything similar in my existence. I believe humans have a specific title for the emotion and I am unsure about whether to inform you of my conclusion."
"Well go ahead, shoot." Dean sighed, he just wanted to go inside. " I am not armed." Dean couldn't help it, a smile found itself on his face. "Thats not what I mean't Cas." Still chuckling. " I mean out with it, we haven't got all night." Cas nodded "tell it to me straight." Dean looked over at Cas fingers still interlaced, he watched as the angel broke them apart and brought them up cover his face, a slight glance upward then a deep hum. Dean watched as his lips parted for the air to speak.
"It was something that my superiors were aware of long before I was, even Uriel picked up on it. But in that moment when you defended me, I was able to recognize it, as lo-" Castiel hated being interrupted something that happened infuriating often with the Winchesters, but this was an exception, this was embraced. He had not even realized Dean had moved.
Castiel had only ever been kissed twice since his creation, the first from a demon to which he had responded only out of mild curiosity only to be regretted later on. The second was with Dean. It wasn't heavy, or filled with passion, just a simple pressing of mouths. The most tender form of kindness he had ever experienced. Cas decided he liked this much better than his first. With the end Dean briefly pressed their foreheads together, inhaled through his nose loudly accompanied by a groan. Gripping Castiel's left shoulder firmly as he moved to sit back down, closer this time. Sniffling again Dean eyed Cas.
"What took you so damn long to say it, man." leaving his hand on the angel Castiel felt the warmth weaving its way through the multiple layers of fabric.
"I thought that you would not be able to view me in a non-platonic fashion, as I am in a male vessel." Hanging his head. Dean simply shrugged.
"eh. I couldn't give a rats ass what meat suit you're wearing, though now that you mention it" shrugging again. Cas turned his head slightly. " but really I don't mind, this vessel has its perks I s'pose"
"I find that hard to believe" Cas stated leaning back, invading Dean's personal space.
"Ah, the old I would do anything for love but I won't do that" the hunter laughing at his own joke, causing Cas to frown. Dean laughed harder "Lighten up Cas, its Meatloaf." the expression on Castiel's face explained clearly that he was thinking of the food, not the singer. "know what, never mind." still chuckling. Cas leaned in again planting another chaste meeting of mouths, parting they looked at each other for awhile and as corny as it sounds Dean got lost in his eyes. "lets go inside, its late." I'm becoming such a chick.