"Insane and Dangerous"
Chapter 1
"Shadows fell across the forest and the moon rose in the sky…"
"Wait, wait, that's not right!! What are you doing Twilight?" cried out Lazik angrily.
"I'm narrating."
"Well that isn't how you start an evil story!"
"Hey guys, when are we going to take over Hogwarts?"
"Shut-up Luna!!" the other two shout in unison.
Wisps of Lazik's royal blue hair fell into her face as she jumped down from a pillar and landed gracefully next to her sisters. Twilight sat at the fire with her black hair tumbling in thick waves on her shoulders while Luna sat in the corner muttering about world conquest and Lazik eating her doughnut.
"That's it!" Luna screamed, jumping up from her seat on the floor, "I can't stand this any longer! Can we conquer something now?! I don't care what, it can be anything!"
"I'm starting to worry about her, Twilight," Lazik whispered.
"Well, insanity does help with being evil…I suppose," Twilight replied.
"I think she's taking this insanity thing a bit far. Last week, while she was destroying a village, she started crying because someone had broken her crayons."
"She probably just wants attention."
"Can we destroy Hogwarts now?" Luna interjected. For one of the very few times in her life, she let go of her insane altar-ego and began twirling a strand crimson hair around her finger. "Well, can we?"
"Sure, whatever you want baby sister." There was then a chorus of evil laughter.
~*~
"Detention all of you," Professor Foshizzle shouted at Sirius Black, James Potter, and Remus Lupin as a chain of dungbombs went off in the Potions dungeon. The Gryffindor half of the class roared with laughter while the Slytherins glared daggers at the three. As the class ended, their classmates congratulated them while they were walking up to History of Magic.
"Well," Sirius Black commented brightly, "At least that will stop the rumors that we've stopped playing pranks."
During History of Magic, an earth-shattering event took place, one that would mark the books forever…the lesson was interesting. Well at least to Sirius, who was staring at the pictures of four ancient witches who had been named by the early ministry of magic, 'insane and very dangerous'.
"Wow, whoever said that history of magic class is boring should die."
"Sirius, you do know that those four were mentally unstable," Remus whispered.
"First of all, what do you mean were? They only lived a thousand years ago. They could still be around…maybe…it never said they died. Also, they're major babes so just let me stare at them for a while. Please." It was now James turn to laugh.
"If they are still around, they're probably old hags by now anyway."
~*~
"OLD HAGS? OLD HAGS? Did that insolent little brat just call us OLD HAGS? I'll kill him!! I think it's time for some of my old torture methods!" Luna screeched at the fire.
"Oh no, not this again," Lazik muttered.
"Oh dear god, why us?" Twilight questioned rhetorically.
"The pudding treatment!" Luna cried out triumphantly while her older sisters groaned simultaneously.
Lazik reluctantly took three pouches out of her pocket. "Chocolate, vanilla, or –dare I ask- butterscotch?"
" I believe a crime of this magnitude calls for the worst we have –don don don- butterscotch!"
"You know," Twilight turned to Lazik, "If it weren't for the sound effects she'd almost be sane."
"Almost is the key word," Lazik retorted.
"I got it!" Midnight came charging into the room with her blonde hair flying out behind her. "Thanks to us keeping Luna locked up in this old castle for the last century, we finally can lose that that 'insane and very dangerous' title."
"Oh yeah, we're over flowing with joy," Lazik commented dryly.
"Does that mean that we're going to have to be good again? I kind of enjoyed pretending to be evil," Twilight said.
"We were pretending?" Luna joined the conversation late as she usually did. "You all lied to me! I hate you! I-hate-you!!!!!!!!!!!!" She continued crying and yelling while the other commenced with the conversation.
"Well, I got an owl this afternoon from Dumbledore…" Twilight started but was cut off by more of Luna's ranting.
"I hate you! I hate you! Dumbledore? Hogwarts? I hate Hogwarts! I hate you all!!" Luna shrieked, now turning red in the face from air loss.
"What did he want?" Midnight inquired.
"I think he needed a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. He wanted to know if any of us were interested."
"No way, that job is cursed," Lazik commented, "Does he want us dead?"
"Well, it's not like we've helped his cause recently," Midnight added cautiously. "Anyway, would it really be that bad? I'd teach if Twilight came along." Midnight looked at her twin. "This would be a good reason to get away from Luna for a while."
"Maybe. We haven't gotten into the real world lately, have we? I think I'd enjoy that, so sure, I'll go."
"Wait one minute! You can't leave me alone with Luna!" Lazik complained as Luna began pouring pudding mix into her cauldron. "For the love of god, don't go! I'll be a good girl from now on!! I'm serious! Please, I'm begging you, I'll do anything!"
"What's happening? What did I miss? Where are Midnight and Twilight going? Where's the lazy dog? Where the lazy cat? Where's the lazy mouse? Well, when I'm done, none of you get any of my pudding!" Luna burst out with all of her questions. And after her actual inquiries, she began reciting lines from "The Little Red Hen".
"Good, you probably poisoned it anyway," Lazik retorted bitterly. "Wait don't go…" but Twilight and Midnight were already gone.
~*~
"I can't believe you actually went to the library to take out a book!" James laughed as he stared at his best friend. "Next thing you know, you may follow the rules or something."
"Ha-ha. I just wanted to see more pictures of those four babes."
"Um, Sirius?" Remus inquired, "What part of 'insane and very dangerous' don't you understand?"
"I don't think he can hear you Moony," James replied, as Sirius returned to his book.
"So have you heard? Apparently we're getting a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher."
"Yeah, I hope this one isn't a push over like the last one. He was kind of strange but after just one of our pranks, we set him straight," James said as he pulled the book out of his best friend's hands and led him back to the dormitory.
The next morning, James, Remus, and Sirius decided what prank to pull of their unsuspecting teacher as they packed their bags.
"I think that we should set off a dungbomb," James said.
"No, we did that yesterday to Foshizzle. We should use the firecrackers that I got for Christmas," Remus replied.
"What do you think Sirius?" James questioned. Sirius was huddled in the corner of the room hugging his legs and rocking in a fetal position. He was apparently still upset about his book being taken away.
"Are you okay?" James asked.
"Need book! Must see pretty girls!" Sirius chanted.
"Let's just go to class. Maybe you'll feel better then," Remus remarked, heading for the door.
~*~
After James and Remus practically dragged Sirius down three flights of stairs, the trio took their seats in the back of the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom. Hidden in Remus' hand was a wet start firecracker and next to him, James was alert and ready to do a water spell. Just then, the door opened and two old women walked in.
"I'm Twilight and this is my twin Midnight. We will be your new teachers," said the one wearing deep scarlet robes in a surprisingly melodious voice.
"I suggest that the young men in back of the room stop the prank that they are planning on playing before they get themselves in trouble," said the other twin dressed in black robes. The trio's jaws dropped in amazement. Smiling, the one dressed in black lead the class while her sister sat in a chair, staring strangely at Remus.
"And so for the next class everyone must turn in a five paragraph essay on the three ways a grindylow is capable of hunting." As the class began to leave, a cat came up to Midnight's leg and began brushing up against it. Twilight came forward and picked up the cat and carried it out of the classroom. When she returned, most of the class was gone, except for the three pranksters in the back. Two of them were trying to pull the third off of his desk while he was staring off into space talking about four 'babes' and how he needed some book.
"Come on Sirius. Stop whining about the book and get on with your life, we did it for your best interest," James Potter lectured.
"Yeah, we're your best friends. We wouldn't want you staring at the pictures of those four chemically unbalanced women for the rest of your life," Remus added.
"But-but they were pretty chemically unbalanced women. I don't care if they are insane," Sirius argued back.
"What are those boys doing?" Twilight questioned. She walked over to them. "Shouldn't you three be tormenting some other teacher?"
"Well, Sirius here has kind of fallen in love with four old hags who seriously needed to see Freuod."
"They are not old hags!" Sirius yelled.
"Oh my, these four 'old hags' wouldn't happen to be the Amor Sisters, would they?" Midnight questioned.
"Yeah, I think that was their proper name. Why?" James said, staring at them incredulously.
"Well, if I were you," Twilight said, pointing at James, "I would watch my back. By the way, Sirius is correct. They are not old hags."
"Awesome! Wait…how do you know?" Sirius questioned suspiciously.
"Uh-, friends of the family. Long story," Twilight replied quickly.
~*~
"Want some of my pudding?" Luna questioned happily.
"I thought that you weren't going to give me any," Lazik replied.
"I-I was just testing you. To see if you remembered!"
"Don't talk to me. Go back to creating whatever you're creating," Lazik said solemnly.
"My pudding is done. Now, TO THE BROOMSTICKS!!" Luna screeched.
"To the, dun-dun-dun-DUN, the Lightning Boltz, with a 'z'!!" Lazik bellowed.
"I thought you said that sound effects were for insane people," Luna said suspiciously.
"I think you're rubbing off on me. I wonder what Twilight is going to say?" Lazik pondered.
"Where are Twilight and Midnight anyway?"
"They're teaching the Defense Against the Dark Arts job at Hogwarts. I think that it's time we checked up on them."
"Oh goody!! Do I get to bring my pudding?!"
"Yeah, whatever. Just make it snappy, we have to leave soon if we want to make it a surprise," Lazik muttered evilly.
"Oh yay!! I should've made more!! I wonder what I should put it in…" Luna said as she had a two-way conversation with herself.
"You have such a quaint sense of humor, Luna," Lazik remarked to her sister.
"Oh thank you, I try," Luna replied simply, tying the containers of pudding to her broomstick.
They then clambered onto their broomsticks and took flight.
~*~
"Why is this taking so long? I thought we lived somewhere in the Forbidden Forest?" Luna questioned.
"No, we live half way across the planet we just had to tell you we live in the Forbidden Forest to keep the 'wannabe evil' side of you happy," Lazik retorted.
"What?! You mean you have been lying to me the whole time!? But that means that I didn't really talk to Lord Voldemort?" Luna questioned hesitantly.
"I hate to say that 'Lord Voldemort' was Twilight's old boyfriend dressed in black robes dripping with red colored cornstarch."
"You mean I said I'd be a follower to a guy who slept with Twilight?" Luna asked in her lost child voice. Lazik was starting to regret not taking the position at Hogwarts. Finally Lazik and Luna touched down on the Hogwarts ground somewhere between the Forbidden Forest and an old tool shed (Hagrid's future hut). Lazik and Luna decided that if they were going to be secretive, they would have to make their entrance spy-like. They got onto their stomachs and crawled towards the oh-so-obvious front entrance. As they were crawling they discovered that there was a moat around the school the hard way.
"Help, help! It's a conspiracy! They're plotting against us! They know we're coming! We must retreat!" Lazik choked, through a mouthful of water.
"Now Lazik, how do we know that they're plotting against us. They could be plotting against the tribe of evil salmon that was following us earlier!" Luna replied suspiciously, climbing onto the muddy bank.
"I hate to break it to you Luna, but salmon live in the water."
"Not any more they don't."
Lazik climbed out the other side of the moat and rung out her dripping robes.
"Now all we have to do is board our brooms and fly to the classroom window, and give them the fright of their lives," Luna said deviously.
"Then why didn't we do that in the first place?" Lazik questioned.
"Because this way was flashier and made us seem sneakier."
"Thank you for enlightening me."
They boarded their broomsticks and flew into the air.
"Which window are we supposed to be going in?" Luna questioned.
"All I know is that it's made out of glass."
"I think that we should turn left," Luna said triumphantly.
"Well, I think that we should turn right."
"LET'S GO!!" they shouted in unison.
Luna turned left and Lazik turned right and they both crashed into each other. They lost control of their brooms and ran into the nearest window (it just so happened to be the right one). Twilight, Midnight, and the troublesome trio looked at the pudding splattered window as two young witches slid down it.
"Oh dear god, how did they get here?" Twilight screeched.
"You know, you seem to use that saying a lot now Twilight," Midnight stated.
"Are those your friends of the family, the Amor Sisters, or at least two of them?" Sirius questioned, apparently shocked by the uncanny resemblance.
"Nope, never seen those two crackpots in our lives, right Midnight…"
"Sad to say, it is true," Midnight replied, cutting Twilight off.
"MIDNIGHT!!" Twilight hissed.
"Actually, they aren't really friends of the family. They're actually our sisters," Midnight replied guiltily, opening the window for her sisters.
"WHAT? How could that be?! I mean you two are old hags and they're young!" James thought out aloud.
"How dare you!!" Twilight screamed. At that moment, there was a flash of blinding light. When the smoke cleared, there was a young witch standing in the place of where the 'old hag' used to be.
"Whoa mama! This is way better than that lousy book! This is the real thing!" Sirius shouted.
"I've always thought so," Twilight replied flirtatiously, scooting closer to Remus.
There was then another flash of light. Midnight had transformed back into her normal form.
"Could any of you tell me where Professor Foshizzle is?" Midnight questioned casually.
"He's in the dungeons, why?" James said, slowly backing away.
"Ooooh, I've always liked a man with chains," Midnight squealed. Using her wand, a whip suddenly appeared in the air. She then firmly grasped the whip and ran out of the room.
"Was that one of the most disturbing things you've even seen, or is it just me?" Remus asked.
~*~
Luna and Lazik fell to the ground with a giant thud.
"OW! That really hurt my head!" Lazik said rubbing a bump on her head.
"Really, that hurt you? I didn't feel a thing," Luna said throwing her Lightening Boltz off her lap.
"Maybe, that's because…YOU'RE SITTING ON TOP OF ME!" Lazik roared.
"Oh sorry," Luna said breezily.
Without hesitation Sirius stepped up to Lazik who was still sprawled on the floor.
"Here want some help?" Sirius questioned with a grin.
"Sure, thanks," said Lazik.
"My precious pudding, it's all gone! Wasted, spilled on this nasty floor! Who closed that window?" Luna screamed, looking around the room suspiciously.
"They're always closed," James muttered.
"So it was you!" Luna roared as she scooped up pudding from the floor, "Eat pudding and die, loser!" Luna screeched throwing the pudding at James.
"Okay, I'd duck if I were you." Lazik whispered to James as pudding hit his face.
"Oh dear god," Twilight muttered under her breath, rolling her eyes.
She quickly shielded Remus from flying pudding and backed out of the room slowly.
~*~
The next morning, the troublesome trio was back in the Gryffindor Common Room…
"You know, the Yule Ball is only three days away and we don't have dates yet. What are we going to do?" James said while pacing the room.
"Yeah, this is our last school dance ever and we don't have dates. Everyone knows how important this dance is," Remus replied.
"Well I have an idea," Sirius said smugly.
"Oh god, let's hear it," Remus said, looking exasperated.
"We could ask the Amor Sisters to the dance."
"That's actually almost a good idea. But there's only one problem with it," James said.
"There's four if them and three of us. Who gets which one?" Sirius muttered.
"That could prove to be a problem…I GET TWILIGHT!!" Remus shouted.
"I get Lazik!!" Sirius bellowed.
"Hmmmm…decisions, decisions. Well…that was some pretty weird stuff yesterday with Foshizzle and all, so I guess I get Luna," James said tiredly.
"I bet that freaky one Midnight is going to be dancing with him," Sirius commented. The three started laughing hysterically.
~*~
"Come on Midnight were going to be late!" Twilight bellowed.
"Well its not my fault Luna used my robes to save her stupid pudding," Midnight argued back.
"STUPID? MY PUDDING IS NOT STUPID!" Luna screamed throwing pudding at Midnight.
"YOU LITTLE-"
"MIDNIGHT!" Twilight screamed over an obviously infuriated Midnight, "We can just use a little spell to clean this whole thing up," Twilight calmly stated. And with a flick of her wand the pudding mess was gone.
"Twilight, why'd ya have to do that? I was hoping to see fists fly! I had my money on Midnight…" grumbled a disappointed Lazik.
"Lazik, you know violence isn't the answer," replied Twilight.
"Who said it's a way to answer things I just think its fun to watch people beat the living day lights out of each other," Lazik said grinning.
"Forget it lets just go, we're already five minutes late," Twilight said anxiously.
"Lazik and I will meet you for lunch in the classroom," replied Luna.
"Good riddance! We'll see you two later!" Lazik shouted at their retreating backs.
"You know, I think that we forgot to mention to them that we're teaching the flying lessons," Luna chuckled.
"I think you're right. Oh well, they don't have to know anyway. Knowing them, they would probably object to us teaching the students how to fly. Especially since they're on broomsticks for their first times and we're the only ones watching them. But I don't see why they should be worried. I mean, come on, we can fly for a whole five minutes straight without crashing or falling off," Lazik replied with a proud smirk.
"Well, we should be off to teach our classes now. What were our names again?" Luna questioned absentmindedly.
"I'm Madam Hoochie and you're Madam Mama. You have to remember your name, because that's what the students are going to be calling you," Lazik lectured.
"Right, now I remember."