Everything was in black and white. Well almost everything. The scalpel was bright glowing silver and the blood; the blood was so red it almost seemed unreal. This wasn't the first time Jane Rizzoli relived her own personal hell, staring her own personal demon, in her nightmares. She'd been having them since her first encounter with evil, also known as the Surgeon, also known as Charles Hoyt. Night after night she would wake up with her heart pounding, gasping for air, her skin ice cold and layered in sweat that had soaked her sheets. As time passed Jane stopped going for her gun when she awoke in a fear induced panic, and slowly the nightmares faded, though they never went away completely. Every time Hoyt would resurface so would her dreams, like harbingers warning her of his pending presence in her life again.
But this nightmare was different. She wasn't seeing Hoyt in her bedroom holding a scalpel to her throat, she wasn't reliving him staking her to that basement floor by stabbing his scalpel through the palms of her hands, it wasn't about facing off with him in the woods, or the building she worked in, or in the street outside her apartment. This nightmare was different because it wasn't about her. It was about Maura.
Jane heard Maura cry out when Hoyt slashed her throat. Saw the tears soaking Maura's face. She could feel Maura's fear. Jane watched as Hoyt walked over to her best friend and jabbed that taser into her shoulder. From the corner of her minds eye she could see herself struggling with Mason who was holding her down, but all her focus was on Maura. Jane watched as Maura's body went ridged, her eyes rolling back, before falling backwards onto the hospital bed. She watched as Hoyt held her down, knowing that Maura couldn't move but was very much aware. Saw the way Maura's honey blonde hair fanned out around her head. She could see the silver scalpel press against Maura's neck, indenting it as the skin gave under the pressure before the blade broke through. Then the blood came. The blazing red blood that poured from the slash in her throat. Suddenly everything was that color. The black and white world of Jane's nightmare, just like the living color world of that moment, turned blood red. Jane fought harder then she'd ever fought before. She got Mason off her, she went for Hoyt, they struggled and this time Jane didn't hesitate. He'd hurt Maura. He'd frightened her, he'd threatened her, he hurt her, spilled her blood. Jane plunged that scalpel in the bastard's heart and felt no remorse.
You don't fuck with the person she loves and get away with it.
Jane bolted upright in bed, gasping for air. She wasn't feeling fear this time. The emotion that had rocketed her awake she didn't understand. With wide, panicked eyes Jane looked around while trying to calm herself down. She wasn't in her own room, or even in her own apartment for that matter, but she was someplace safe nonetheless. Well, safe from dead demons and crazy ass apprentices anyway. Not so safe when it came to the wave of emotion she'd just felt. She was in Maura's house, in Maura's bedroom, in Maura's bed. After they'd been released from the hospital after having their injuries tended to neither woman wanted to be out of the other's presence. They took comfort from each other; they offered safety and reassurance to each other. So they'd come back to Maura's house after Jane's surprise party and like so many nights before they'd crawled into the same bed together. Jane had curled on her side, facing Maura. Maura was laying on her back with one arm bent and tucked behind her head. The arm closest to Jane was flat on the bed between them and Jane had laid her hand on top of Maura's. It was a simple physical connection that allowed both women to relax enough to let their minds slow and their bodies rest.
Looking over to see if her sudden movements had disturbed Maura, Jane sighed softly in relief when she saw her best friend still sound asleep. Jane took a moment to watch Maura. Of course she loved her. Maura was her best friend. They were closer then Jane had ever been to anyone. But in that moment, when she saw Hoyt cutting Maura's neck, on the brink of killing her, it wasn't the kind of love you felt for a just a friend that surged through Jane. No, what fueled her to act in the moment, to save Maura's life with no concern for her own, that was the kind of love that you felt for the person you were meant to share your life with, the kind of love you had for the person you shared your soul with.
Easing out of bed as carefully as she could Jane tip toed across the room. Padding into the kitchen she let the cold of the tile floor shock her system while she pulled a bottle of beer, beer Maura kept stocked just for Jane, from the fridge. With beer in hand Jane walked over to the couch and plopped down. Jane sat there, sipping her beer, and for the first time instead of pushing her feelings into a little box that she kept deeply hidden, she let herself really look at them and think about them. Maura was someone special. She was the kind of person you meet once in a lifetime and if you're lucky it isn't just a passing encounter. If you're lucky, like Jane, you got to have this amazing person in your life permanently. Of course Jane had felt that way for a while. She'd always felt blessed to have Maura in her life. Now she wondered when exactly had it become more then just having the most amazing best friend she'd ever had.
Since she was hashing things out in her head she might as well admit for the first time, at least consciously, that she felt attracted to Maura too, that these weren't just emotional feelings but physical ones as well. Maura was a beautiful woman. Her eyes were an amazing mix of green, gold, and brown, the dominant color depending on what she was wearing and the shade of her hair. It was a color that Jane had yet to find anywhere else, a color that she would easily say was her favorite. Jane had seen pictures of Maura's hair straight and almost as dark as her own, and though it looked good on her, bringing out more of the browns and golds in her eyes, Jane preferred her hair the way it was now, soft, wavy, and a blonde that reminded Jane of the color of honey. This color brought out the green in Maura's eyes and Jane really liked the green in her eyes.
As Jane took a long draft from her beer her mind flashed to a case they'd had a while ago. Her memory was flooded with images of Maura in a black bustier trimmed in red and dotted with white spots, a black and white plaid mini skirt, black seam stockings, and a pair of designer heels that made her already gorgeous legs that much harder to look away from. Jane remembered turning her head at one point and getting a face full of cleavage that had made her swallow against a dry throat.
Suddenly Jane's beer wasn't cold enough. Getting up she poured what was left in the bottle down the drain, tossed the bottle in the right recycling bin, grabbed a cold beer, and downed nearly half of it before stopping to breathe.
Those were really inappropriate thoughts to have about your best friend. Besides, she was into guy, totally into guys. Over the last couple of years she'd had her fair share of men. There'd been Joey Grant, which never went anywhere. Jane had held tightly to a silly grade school grudge to keep him away, and then just when something could have happened he left. There'd been Casey Jones, nothing happened there either. He'd been a comfort to her at a really stressful time in her life, but his life in the army and hers as cop acted as a safety barrier that kept things from going past being friends. Then of course there'd been Gabriel Dean. He would pop up out of no where, ask her out, she'd say no and give some stupid reason for it, he'd look like a little boy who's puppy had been kicked, then he'd leave and a few weeks or months later the pattern would repeat. At this point she wasn't even sure if he really had a thing for her or if she'd simply become a challenge because she kept refusing him.
See, she liked men.
Lindsey Reed. Damn. Jane hadn't thought about her in years. Lindsey had been a fellow cadet that Jane had been close too, not as close as she was with Maura, no one had ever been as close to her as Maura is, but she and Lindsey had been friends and there had been times when Jane had wondered. Had Lindsey been flirting with her? Had she been flirting with Lindsey? Lindsey had been cute, and playful, and tougher then she looked. It had just been a girl crush. Right? She'd had girl crushes before; her very first crush was on Bernadette Ryan in the first grade, followed by Mrs. Miller in the fourth grade, Gina Angelo in seventh grade, Carmen Iglesias in ninth grade, Alexis Green senior year. Yeah, ok, there'd been quiet a few girl crushes, but she'd always dated guys. She went to the sixth grade dance with Michael Romero, she dated Carmen's brother Carmine in the eleventh grade, she'd gone to prom with Charlie Krenz, and yes there'd even been one or two guys she'd actually wore dresses for.
Ok maybe there was enough evidence to support the theory that Jane was about as consistently straight as a cooked spaghetti noodle. But she had never even acknowledged those kinds of feelings let alone acted on them, and to be honest she wasn't thinking of acting on them now. She just wanted to understand herself better when it came to Maura. Besides, Maura was straight. Maura had no issues with dating or spending the night with a man. Though Jane knew that emotionally Maura was even more guarded then she was. Maura could compartmentalize things in a way that allowed her to enjoy a man's company because he was smart, good looking, and physically able relieve her stress, reduce her blood pressure, and build up her immunity.
Jane smirked. She was actually retaining Maura's Google speak.
"Jane." Maura's sleepy voice cut through the stillness of the room. "What are you doing?"
"Drinking beer and killing all your high scores on Angry Birds on your iPad." Jane replied as she looked up to see a sleepy Maura padding towards her while tying the belt to her silk robe.
"It's three in the morning." Maura said as she settles beside Jane on the couch. "What's wrong? Nightmares?"
Jane smiled softly to reassure Maura. "Yeah but I'm fine. Guess I just needed to get one or two more out of my system, ya know, like a detox or something. Why are you awake?"
Maura thought about that for a moment and answered honestly. "I suddenly felt alone and woke up."
Jane frowned as she put her arm around her best friend's shoulder and pulled Maura close so the other woman's head was resting on her shoulder. "I'm sorry."
"It's alright." Maura said softly. The two fell into a comfortable silence as they sat together on Maura's couch. They each took comfort in simply being with the other, no words or actions were really needed. There were times when they could have whole conversations with their eyes, not a word spoken between them, and everything was said just as clearly. That's just how close they were. After several more peaceful moments Maura finally broke the silence. "Jane?"
"Hmm?" The slender dark haired woman beside her responded as Jane opened her eyes to look at Maura.
"Do you really like your birthday present?" Maura asked, a hint of uncertainty in her voice.
The smile on Jane's face lit her dark eyes, which in turn made Maura smile. "Are you kidding? Racing school? Best present ever!"
That brought a warm sweet smile to Maura's face. She was a thoughtful person and always put a lot of consideration into picking out a gift for someone, but once the gift was bought and given she never really gave it another thought. But with Jane and her mother Maura worried about wither they truly liked what she'd picked out for them, and with Jane it was a little worse because their personal tastes were so different.
There were so many differences between her and Jane and yet she had never felt closer to anyone ever. Maura had never had a best friend before so it had been a little startling at first when she realized just how much Jane had come to mean to her. They got each other in ways that other people didn't. Jane had accepted Maura for Maura, quirks and all. She'd held out a hand to Maura and held on tightly as Maura crossed the bridge from the world she'd grown up in, and the safe world of academics and science, into the real world she lived in now. Jane had shown Maura, who'd always been friendly and pleasant but socially awkward and restrained, how to open up and embrace life and the people in it. With Jane Maura had experienced her greatest highs and lows. She'd felt the love and warmth of another human being in a way she never had before. She'd also felt safe and protected, wanted, cared about. Maura knew she mattered to Jane and that mattered to Maura. Yes her adoptive parents loved and adored her, but she'd never felt like the center of their worlds. She felt that with Jane.
All of her emotions were more intense when it came to Jane and that included fear. When she saw Hoyt grab Jane, as she watched his hand close around Jane's throat, Maura had felt a fear unlike any other. Sitting on that hospital bed watching that sick, twisted, evil man torment Jane, the tears that soaked her face weren't for her, they were for Jane. The fear was for Jane; the anger she felt was for herself because she was feeling helpless as she sat there watching the horrific scene play out. When Hoyt cut Jane's neck, when she saw the blood spill past the open skin, the scream Maura let out was a primal call of Jane I love!
It had been the most terrifying moment of Maura's life and the most enlightening as well. Not that moment in the prison infirmary, but months before that on the sidewalk in front of police headquarters. Maura had heard Jane's voice yelling shoot him from inside and her heart had slowed down. Bursting through the door Maura watched as if someone had hit the slow motion button as Jane maneuvered the gun Bobby Marino had been holding to her head, pushing it down, pressing it to her own stomach and then pulling the trigger. She watched the blood spray and for once her mind didn't crank out all the proper medical and forensic names and terms. For once her mind was quiet, her heart however was screaming. Jane! Or was she screaming out loud? "Jane!" The sound of her heels on the sidewalk was like thunder as Maura ran to Jane, carefully moving her away from Marino, her hands going to Jane's wounds. Jane's eyes, those big beautiful brown eyes, looked into Maura's for a moment, a flicker of a moment, as her blood seeped through Maura's fingers. In that moment before with her eyes locked with Jane's, before Jane passed out, Maura knew, she knew and accepted that she was in love with her best friend.
Of course Maura would never do anything about the way she felt. She would never jeopardize her friendship, the relationship she already had with Jane, by confessing that she was in love with her. Jane was Catholic, loyal to her family and their beliefs, and into men, though there'd been times when Maura had questioned the latter. Still, Maura would never put Jane in the position to question her beliefs and those of her family, a family that had taken Maura in without hesitation and made her one of their own. So in that moment with Hoyt, in that raw and primeval way, Maura had said what she'd wanted to say for months and Jane would never know it.
For Maura sex was sex. Yes, she enjoyed being with a man but there had been times in her life when she'd also enjoyed being with a woman. With the expectation of Ian Maura didn't attach much emotion to sex. She didn't treat sex as something casual either, but sex was sex. When she was with someone she liked, someone good looking and smart, someone she enjoyed spending time with, sex was fun, and healthy. She'd often wondered what it would be like to have sex when there were emotions involved, strong emotions, to feel tangled up in a person both physically and emotionally. What would it be like to have that with someone so meant to be, so meant for her, that she didn't know where she ended and Jane began.
Jane. Yes, she'd noticed making that distinction.
Maura thought back looking for the exact moment when things had changed. When had she gone from loving Jane to being in love with Jane? But it hadn't really been one moment in particular; it had just been a slow spontaneous progression, a natural evolution. Though Maura couldn't pin point the moment in which her feelings had changed for her best friend, she knew precisely when she wished she could have Jane in that way and it had shocked Maura. Maura had never really given a lot of thought about family and children, but soaking in that mud bath thinking about the way she and Jane had both reacted to Nurse Randi, both of them protecting that sweet innocent little boy, not only had she given it some real though, it had been the first and only time she'd allowed herself to wish for something more with Jane.
Jane's breathing was slow and deep. Maura smiled as she turned her head to find her friend sound asleep. Reaching up Maura carefully brushed a strand of hair from Jane's face, then she cuddle a little closer into Jane's side, and rested her head on Jane's shoulder. With Jane's arm around her Maura let herself drift off. That's how Angela found them the next morning when she'd come to make breakfast. She smiled warmly as she covered them with a blanket and then quietly set about making their meal. When the girls did wake up she made sure they took their medications, an antibiotic to ward off infects and a small dose pain reliever, which Jane grumbled about. She also grumbled about the forced time off and the fact that she'd have to talk to the department shrink yet again before she'd be allowed to come back to work.
"Jane." Maura began.
"Don't Jane me." Jane huffed.
Maura blinked and titled her head in that way that said she hadn't quite caught the sarcasm. "Then what am I suppose to call you?"
Jane looked at Maura with that 'really Maur?' look she had and then shook her head and rolled her eyes. Then she went back to complaining about what a huge waste of time seeing the shrink was going to be.
To be honest Maura wasn't looking forward to speaking with him either. Something about psychologists unnerved her. Maybe it was the too many unknowns they dealt with, to many variables in their kind of science. Or maybe it was her upper crust blood blue upbringing. Her mother was English after all and there had been that sense of having a stiff upper lip and one's personal feelings were not to be shared with strangers. Maura kept journals as faithfully as any scientist would keep a logbook. She wrote out and worked out her emotions in her journals, using words that were safely hidden away from prying eyes. Maura found comfort in words, she liked words; words were tangible and helped Maura make sense of the things in her life that weren't, like her feelings.
Jane was use to working the department shrink. This wasn't her first time sitting on his couch and hashing out the most recent traumatic event in her life. It wasn't even the first time she'd had to talk to him about Hoyt. But it was Maura's first time and she floundered a little as she and the therapist talked. It didn't help that Doctor DiPiero didn't seem to understand Maura's habit of over explaining everything. Finally Maura sighed as her frustration levels rose.
"You've explained what's happened to you scientifically, Doctor Isles, medically, but not emotionally." Doctor DiPiero said evenly. "What I'm asking you is how do you feel about what happened with Charles Hoyt."
"I'm a New England WASP, Doctor DiPiero." Maura finally said, her voice taking on that tone she used when Pike was around. "We don't talk about how we're feeling. This isn't a therapy session, Doctor. It's an evolution of my ability to do my job and what happened with Charles Hoyt has no bearing on that. If my ability to consult with Homicide is in question, it shouldn't be, I'm more then able to continue working with them as I have always done. If this is about my personal life, well, that's none of your concern since my personal life isn't effecting my job performance."
"You have a close personal relationship with Detective Rizzoli don't you?" DiPiero asked as if Maura hadn't just ranted at him.
"Yes, I do." Maura answered with a sigh. "She's my best friend. That relationship hasn't interfered with our ability to work together in the past nor will it in the future." Maura was quiet for a moment and then said, "Yes, the emotions I felt in that prison infirmary were personal ones, but Jane and I have talked, we've dealt with it. It won't get in the way of our jobs. Now, if that's all? My department is backed up and I have a young pregnant widow waiting for answers about why her young healthy husband won't be coming home from a routine medical procedure."
By the time Maura got out of DiPiero's office with the signed papers saying she could go back to work she was more then a little flustered. She could totally understand why Jane hated doing that. Finding Jane in the café with Angela, Maura slipped into the seat across from her and placed the papers on the table. "That was awful."
Jane smirked. "Told you."
"If I were feeling childish about this I wouldn't speak to Vincent for a week over this." Maura huffed softly as Angela poured her some coffee.
"What's Korsak got to do with this?" Jane asked.
"Apparently he convinced Lt. Cavanaugh who then convinced my superior that I needed to talk to someone about what happened." Maura explained. "Technically I'm a government official not a police officer, so I shouldn't have had to go through that, but Vincent…"
"Was just looking out for you." Angela said. "There's a lot of people around here who care about you sweetheart. We just wanted to make sure you and Janie were ok, that's all."
Maura looked up at her best friend's mother and sighed softly. She couldn't argue with that. "It was still very annoying."
Angela smiled and kissed the side of Maura's head. "I'll make you a cupcake special to make up for it."
"Hey!" Jane protested as Angela walked away. "How come I don't get special cupcakes when I have to see a shrink?"
"You'd get fat." Frankie teased as he joined them.
Maura smiled. No, she would risk this by seeking more from Jane. And Jane, she wouldn't risk it either, especially when Maura smiled like that. She couldn't take this way from her by telling her the truth. Things were good. No need to rock the boat. Right?
Right?