That's
Totally Hayes!
Episode 1 "The Craziness Begins"
By: Gore Gore Gore
Disclaimer: I don't own this.
Summary: Hayes Barber gets his own talk show.
Hayes walks out on stage.
Hayes: "Hello, and welcome to today's show."
Hayes pulls out a copy of The Killing Club.
Hayes: "The Killing Club is now in bookstores. And as you know, this book is so good, that there's a lunatic out there actually copying the murders! And speaking of killing, our first guest today, is a real killer. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our first guest, the former District Attorney of Llanview, Daniel Colson!
Daniel walks out on stage. The crowd boos.
Daniel: "Whatever! Whatever!"
Daniel flips off the crowd.
Hayes: "How does it feel to have the entire town hate you now that you're a lying, cheat-on-wife-ing, gay murderer?"
Daniel: "It's cool. There's a movie based on my life in theaters. They got Robin Williams to play me, Ellen DeGeneres to play Nora, Brock Cuchna (the original Paul Cramer) to play Paul, Alyssa Milano to play Jen, Jesse McCartney to play Riley, and Jesse Metcalfe to play Mark."
Hayes: "Oooh, interesting. That seems, hmmm. Great. Well, you're in jail for the murder of Paul Cramer, let's all relive that wonderful moment.
(They turn to a screen. On the screen it shows the confrontation between Daniel and Paul that led to Daniel shooting Paul.)
Paul: "If ya got something to say, say it!"
(Daniel pulls out a gun.)
Paul: Oooh, Look at meeee. I'm Daniel Colson and I have a gun!
(Paul flips Daniel off.)
Paul: What are you gonna do? Shoot me?
(Paul turns around, pulls down his pants and moons Daniel.)
Paul: Go ahead, shoot me. Shoot me in the ass!
(pause)
Paul: It's a very nice ass, isn't it? I can make my ass do tricks. Like this.
(Paul flexes his ass cheeks.)
Paul: And this.
(Paul farts the "One Life To Live" theme song.)
Paul: And this.
(Paul farts the "All My Children" theme song.)
Paul: And, I'm not quite sure how I learned this one.
(Paul farts the "General Hospital" theme song.)
Paul: Okay, I'm all out of farts now. So go ahead! Shoot me. I dare you.
Daniel: MOTHER FUCKER!
(Daniel fires a shot off and it nails Paul in the ass cheek.)
Paul: Oh my ass!
(Paul falls over dead.)
(The monitor turns off.)
Hayes: Okay, Who the FUCK dies from a bullet in the ass!
Daniel: The coroner said that the bullet ruptured a hemorrhoid in Paul's ass and he bled to death from it.
Hayes: I had diarrhea before the show. And I thought I was bleeding from my ass, but then I remembered I ate some cupcakes with red icing. So, false alarm. Anyway, you killed Paul because he was blackmailing you because you were gay, is that correct?
Daniel: Yes.
Hayes: And your lover was Mark Solomon, right.
Daniel: Yes.
Hayes: Ladies and gentlemen, meet Mark!
(Mark comes out to a bunch of cheers.)
Mark: You're no good!
Hayes: Okay, so why is it that you're mad at Daniel.
Mark: Because he's ashamed of me!
Daniel: No I'm not!
Mark: You killed Paul! Because you're ashamed of me! You married Nora! Because you're ashamed of me! You killed Jen because she found out you killed Paul! Because you're ashamed of me!
(Mark breaks down in tears.)
Hayes: I understand that you found another man to comfort you through these horrible time.
Mark: Mm hmm.
Hayes: Well, uh, this is gonna be awkward, but he's in the back…JUST BRING HIM OUT!
(Riley comes out, and he and Mark kiss passionately for about a minute. Everyone's jaw drops, including Hayes'. Riley starts unbuttoning Mark's shirt.)
Mark: I want you inside me, now!
Hayes: HEY HEY HEY! This is a family show! You fuckers can't do that shit here!
Daniel: You, and him?
Riley: The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it now, dad?
Daniel: Why?
Riley and Mark (at the same time): You lied to me. You killed someone that I love. I had to find comfort somewhere!
Mark: And no one can suck a dick quite like he can.
Riley: Except you, of course, Snuggle-Buttons.
Mark: HEY! NO PET NAMES! I MIGHT BE GAY, BUT I'M NOT A FAGGOT!
(Hayes starts to open his mouth to say something smart ass…
Mark: SHUT UP, HAYES!
Hayes: Okay, there's a few people in the back who have a major beef with you. Everyone let's meet Nora and Lindsay.
(Nora and Lindsay run out and start chewing Daniel out about his various crimes.)
Nora: YOU NEVER LOVED ME! ADMIT IT! YOU ONLY MARRIED ME SO YOU COULD BE LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR!
Daniel: And the sex…
Lindsay: YOU KILLED MY DAUGHTER! DID SHE BEG YOU FOR HER LIFE BEFORE YOU KILLED HER!
Daniel: No, I believe she begged for a cheese sandwich.
Nora: LOOK AT YOUR SON! HE'S DESTROYING HIS LIFE BECAUSE OF YOU!
(Everyone looks over to see Riley giving Mark a blowjob, as well as fingering his butt.)
Mark: Yeah. Oh yeah. Swallow those 11 inches.
(Rex stands up in the crowd.)
Rex: (cough) BULLSHIT! (cough) More like 11 millimeters!
(Rex sits back down.)
Hayes: HEY! STOP I SAID YOU COULDN'T DO THAT HERE!
Mark: Just a few more seconds.
(The camera pans off of Mark and Riley, and back to Hayes.)
Mark (off-screen): OH! OH! OH! HERE IT COMES! OHHHHHHHHHHH!
Daniel: What's happening to my son?
Hayes: I don't wanna answer that. I just ate. Okay, questions from the audience.
(Rex raises his hand.)
Hayes: Yes you, the short, loud one.
Rex: You know what, fuck you. This is for Daniel.
(Rex flips Daniel off and sits down.)
Hayes: Pretty short and sweet.
(Kelly stands up.)
Kelly: Daniel, you suck. At least when I thought I killed Paul I had the sense to throw him in the trash!
(Kelly sits down. Tess stands up.)
Tess: This is for the two gay boys over there. Can I make a video of you guys?
Mark: Sure, go ahead. We're free on Saturday.
(Todd comes up to Tess.)
Todd: But you're not.
Tess: Oh, go fuck yourself Todd.
Todd: You wanna go now?
Tess: Yeah. I wanna go.
(Tess takes off her earrings and tosses them to Daniel.)
Tess: Hold my earrings.
Daniel (putting the earrings in his pocket): She's not seeing these again.
(Todd takes off his jacket. Todd and Tess start cat fighting.)
Hayes: Bye folks! Tune in next time!