With a hard shove the steel blue double doors leading to the Degrassi High gym hit off white cement walls with a crash. Deep breaths followed the stomping of slightly worn converse shoes that tapped against the polished floor. With a swing of his arms, the intruder spun in place before falling to his knees, ignoring the bruising pain that followed. Lifting his chin up towards the sky, a loud anguished cry screamed from his thin lips.
The pain behind such a call was deafening to any who happened to hear it, though luck was on Adam's side as school had long let out two hours ago. The closest person would be the janitor that swept the halls before calling it another grueling day surrounded by sex obsessed teens.
"Adam?" or so he thought.
Tilting his head down, hands pressed against the gym floor next to his knees, Adam Torres refused to look towards the soft voice calling from behind him.
"adam, please.."
Shaking his head, his fingers curling into fists, he lifted his right and punched the floor as hard as he could, ignoring the scream of pain that shot up his nerves towards the stem of his brain, all saying that punching the floor again would only make things worse.
"Adam talk to me, please.." The voice was much closer then it had been a moment before, shifting his head slightly he could see Claire staring at him at a distance, her arms wrapped tightly around herself, though she needed to keep a grip something, anything to stop herself from rushing to his aid. In the distance, just beyond her shoulder he could see Eli watching silently, being a good best friend and protective boyfriend in one. His stare said many things, mostly to let her help.
Looking back to the floor, Adam pushed with his fists until he was squatting in place. With one long breath he shot back up to his short for a boy but tall for a girl height that mocked him much like the b cup boobs he had to wrap each morning. "There is nothing to talk about"
It was a lie, all three of them knew there was something to speak of, something major that seemed to put one of the three outcast musketeers in such a rage.
"please.." Claire took another step forward, behind her Eli did the same. Both kept their eyes on Adam who refused to turn and face either of them. He didn't want to give them the satisfaction of seeing the tears threatening to fall from his eyes, or the rage that burned behind it.
"Adam we just want to help you, please.. let us hel-"
"help? And how would you help me Claire? Going to hug me and sing until the pain goes away?" Adam interrupted with sarcasm bleeding from his thin, pale lips. He didn't see her flinch at his tone, though Eli did and took another cautious step forward.
"What happened kebosobi?" Eli spoke with his usual flare, acting casual though his question was serious and genuine.
"I'm sure you know, I'm sure you both know. The whole school does, how could you not?" Adam spoke with such calm, it scared his two closest friends, both of them watching as his shoulders shifted only slightly from their stiff position. Keeping his body turned to the side, Adam let his gaze travel the empty gym, thinking how much this reminded him of a stupid 90's sitcom. Any second now he would be having a frank discussion about the abuse of alcohol and how they shouldn't drink. He snorted slightly at the thought.
"About Drew and Fio-"
"Don't! Don't say her name, I can't bare to hear it, nor his for that matter." Adam breathed deeply though his nose, closing his eyes he struggled to fight back all the anger, and the pain that pounded against his chest like a brick trying to crash into his heart.
"So what if your brother snagged one of the hottest girls in school, everyone has been trying to get into her pants since she joined.. I don't see why it-" Eli didn't see the danger coming but Claire did. She stepped back quickly and placed her hand over his mouth to stop him before he made things worse.
"I know" Adam spoke in a monotone, slowly turning till he faced both of his friends letting them see the anguish that burst from his eyes. "I know, just like he knew I liked her, just like he knew she and I had become great friends since she moved here. Like how he knew I planned on telling her about me, and maybe asking if she would consider a date. LIKE..HE..KNEW..I..WANTED..HER!" Adam screamed the last few words with such rage, Eli immediately took a step forward, slightly blocking Claire.
"So your brother is a dick, we both knew that for months now, what made you think any different?" Eli pushed, and he pushed hard.
Adam didn't flinch like he normally would, nor did he jump to his brothers defense from his best friend. Instead he laughed, a deep hollow laugh. Shaking his head he threw his hands up in a show of defeat before looking to his two best friends, his only friends. "Do you know what sucks more then being FTM transgendered in a fucked up school as this?" His voice was husky, burning from the screaming he had done earlier.
"when I leave this place, covered in bruises from one bully, or hurt from some words, I go home to my distant mother and too understanding father. Its like neither of them know how to handle me, so they do so with kid gloves or not at all." He shifted, staring down at his shoes as he toed the wooden floor. "Drew was suppose to be my safe haven, there and here. Now I realize I'm nothing more then a freak to him, a freak that doesn't get the damsel in distress. I get mocked and pushed around like a side attraction at some dingy carnival."
Claire's eyes had been streaming tears from the moment he spoke, taking a step around Eli she shook her head "your not Adam, I swear it your not. You are a good person, a great person."
Adam nodded along, his eyes shifted from the floor to Claire, holding her still with his harsh stare. "Would you date me?"
Claire was taken back, so much she took a step back without thinking, pressing her back into Eli's front.
"If Eli wasn't around, or you two broke up would you date me? Would you be willing to be seen with the school freak? Because that's what he said, that no one would want to be seen with the school freak." He sighed, turning his head away until his tears where once again back under his control. "Do you know the worst thing is, I already knew the answer. I didn't think she would say yes, hell I was sure it would be a polite no and I wouldn't see her again unless it was in passing. No, what hurt was the way my own brother mocked who I am and told me to give up on ever becoming a man, muchness getting a girl."
"Oh Adam" Claire gasped quietly, lifting her hand up towards her open mouth, she stared at her broken friend, desperately wanting to reach out and hug him, but her boyfriends arm had slid across her waist and held her still. With a shake of his head Eli told her not to move.
Shrugging his shoulders, Adam pushed his fists into the pockets of his pressed school uniform pants. Kicking at the floor with his heel he turned around a couple of times until the slight dizziness began to set in. "I feel like.. I feel like I'm better off as a girl. The bully's won't hit me anymore. Sure the name calling would continue but that's nothing knew. Mom would be happy again, buy me a whole new wardrobe of dresses and girly things. She would be so pleased to have her little Gracie back." Adam's eyes gazed around the empty gym, his mind somewhere much farther away. "I'm sure I could just go it as a lesbian, wouldn't be much of a stretch, hey.. I might actually get a girl to like me if I did." He turned to his friends, a fake smile plastered on his face as he spoke.
"A, you hated being Gracie, look at the burn marks you made when you tried to be Gracie the last time" Eli pointed towards Adam's covered arms, each holding quite a few reminders of the last time he tried to be someone he wasn't.
Staring at his covered arm, Adam lifted his head, eyes devote of emotion and shrugged his shoulders softly. "It would make things easier though wouldn't it? To just be what everyone else wants me to be. To stop trying to be what I'm clearly not?"
He turned on his heel and started to pace the floor slowly, his eyes staring at the black line he was unconsciously following with his steps. "Maybe this time it will work, maybe this time I can be Gracie"
"but the last time nearly killed you Adam, it destroyed everything you are, and everything you can become. It destroyed your spirit!" Claire rushed her words with all her high strung emotions.
Adam spun back to face her and Eli, his face red with rage. "And I'm not killing myself now? Being mocked, taunted, stared at, talked about? I'm the biggest fucking joke of this school and no one fucking cares. I'm the talk of the town, but no one fucking cares. I'm a fucking boy stuck looking like a girl and no one.. no..one..cares. SO why not give them what they want huh? Why not give them Gracie back, that way everyone will be happy!"
Eli pulled from Claire, finally feeling it was his time to speak. "But will you be happy? Huh Adam? Will you be happy if you just went back to being Gracie? To wearing skirts and dresses and playing with dolls, will that make you happy?" Eli took in a long breath "because if you think I'm going to stick around and watch you destroy yourself by trying to be Gracie again then you have another thing coming."
"Oh? How are you going to stop me? Tell my parents? They will be thrilled! Spread it around school? Just another thing for them to talk about, and drew, well drew will just be happy he isn't stuck with the resident freak for a sibling. So tell me E, how are you going to stop me from being who I was born!?"
Silence was met as the two boys stared one another down, neither having a word to say, or a point to stand on. Finally as the silence became to much, Claire spoke up "I would."
Both boys turned to her for clarification, with a large breath in she explained again, "I would. If Eli wasn't around, or we broke up I would date you. But I would date Adam, not Gracie" She made her point clear by staring the boy in the eye, watching as the range of emotions slipped from his body until all that was left was sadness and defeat.
Taking small steps forward, Adam walked until he stood just a foot from his two best friends, pausing in his steps he looked the both in the eyes before leaning in and placing a soft, innocent kiss to Claire's cheek. With his lips justs a hairs breath from her ear, he whispered "you never were a good liar Claire. But thanks all the same"
with a soft turn of his feet, Adam left the gym through the same two doors he threw open not moments before. His shoulders slumped towards the floor, his arms swinging by his side listlessly. Instead of walking the halls of Degrassi with his head held high among the carnivores, he was waving the proverbial white flag of defeat. As his steps softened with distance, Eli turned to look down at his girlfriend in curiosity. Claire sighed, slipping her fingers in with Eli's she lead him out of the gym, hoping maybe in a few hours Adam will have calmed down enough to let them try again.
After all three had left the gym bare of their presence, a slim brunette stepped out from behind the open bleachers, tear tracks slipping down her face. Wiping them away quickly, she picked up her bag and sauntered out of the room like a true debutant would.