Chapter 1

Waking up is probably the hardest part of my day. Especially after a night like last night. I lifted my head, looking around the empty dorm. I am so glad that I don't have to share my dorm room with anyone right now. Sitting up groggily, I found a note on my desk.

Miss Caitlin,

Seeing as last night was probably a tough night for you, I'm giving you permission so miss today's classes if needed.

-Professor Dumbledore

I sighed, flopping back onto my bed. I flipped over and looked at all of the empty Wolfsbane Potion bottles, all lined up on my dresser, all empty. Just a reminder of what I really am, looming around like a ghost of some sort. Just a terrible, empty memory.

And what's worse, in that dresser are my razors, all of my blades and knives. Just more terrible, empty memories. I've been longing to throw out all of these terrible things, stop all of this and start fresh, but I've yet to do it.

'Would've been perfect, starting fresh at a new school. What a fat lazy pig I am…' I thought, the words fat and lazy and pig echoed through my head. It just repeated, over and over, then came all of the other insult I called myself, and all of the images of the cutting and binging and purging, and the transforming. At least I was safe from the transforming for a few weeks, but all of the others…

'ENOUGH' I screamed in my head, sitting up and walking towards my mirror I had set up next to my dresser. I stared long and hard at myself, looking at the scars on my thighs, my fat, disgusting thighs. I brushed through my straight, brown hair. I refrained from thinking any bad thoughts, and put a little makeup on. Only a little, I didn't want to look like some…skank. I turned from the mirror with a sigh and searched for some pajama pants, as it was getting a bit chilly in the room.

I sat back down on my bed, gripping my stuffed horse and glancing every so often at the dresser. 'That dresser' I thought, 'That damn dresser.' Laying down on my side I turned over, trying to close my eyes and sleep a little. But I was finding it more and more impossible to sleep, all of these thoughts and feelings ruining my dreams. I sat up abruptly and hopped out of bed, hurrying to get my robes on.

'Maybe some school will take my mind off of things' I thought, checking myself in the mirror. Then it came to me, even though I've been here for two days and already feel at home, no one here knows me. I have no friends here, no one to look forward to seeing and no one who looks forward to seeing me. It was completely pointless, to go to classes now. I doubt anyone is noticing my absence, and I doubt they will at lunch, or dinner.

'Maybe I'll just go sit outside or something' I pondered, but decided against it. Someone would see me and ask me, or maybe they wouldn't see at all. I keep feeling like someone would actually notice the new girl, the new girl who no one knows. They don't know the real me, they don't need to know.

'What the hell, why not…' I convinced myself, snatching my books and heading out the door with a yawn.

As I wondered down the stairs to the common room, rather slowly, I remembered that I didn't even check the time to see what class I'd be in. I quickly shuffled back into my dorm, checked the time, and headed back out. Charms class was almost half over but I was still going to go, I was determined. I couldn't hide in my room forever. And maybe I'd eat lunch. No. Maybe I'd just go to lunch and sit there in silence. I argued with myself as I turned down another corridor and opened the door as quietly as I could. Fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, only one person turned around. It was this red headed boy, we've never actually talked to each other and I'm not sure what his name is. Though, I am sure that he is a twin, and his brother is just as cute as him.

I slunk to my seat in the back, getting out my book and things. The boy looked at me, smiling, or should I say smirking. He sure does that a lot… I smiled back a little, giving a small wave but immediately bringing my hand back to my face. I felt my cheeks burning again, just like when I first saw him. The butterflies in my stomach seemed to come to life, fluttering about my stomach like they were trapped in a cage.

Professor Flitwick had gone on for what seemed like an eternity, my stomach was growling by the end of class. Everyone had already started rushing to lunch, and though I was starving I didn't want to go. I wasn't hungry. I didn't want to be hungry. I haven't made any friends yet, no one seemed to like me very much, well, except for the redheaded boy. It was still unlikely I'd make any friends at this rate… But I suppose by now I'm used to it.

I was lost in my mind for a second, for when I looked up I saw that redheaded boy standing by me with that smirk on his face. I smiled, blushing and standing up slowly. I tried to shrug my shoulders a little, so my sleeves were covering my scars, I hope he didn't notice.

"Hi, I'm Fred" He said, so plain, but it sounded so perfect.

"I'm uh…Caitlin. Nice to know I'm not invisible here…" I trailed off, staring into his eyes. I wasn't trying to be romantic or cute or anything, I just couldn't help but look at them.

"Yeah, you're the new kid, right? Must be tough, coming to a new school right in the middle of the year." I nodded, only half-listening. My eyes started stinging a little, I guess I forgot to blink.

"Uh, yeah. Not that I had tons of friends or anything at my other school." I said, looking away for a moment.

"How come?" Fred asked, turning his head a bit. We both started walking out the door to lunch, Fred's brother had been waiting outside the door. I tried to think of a better reason than the truth, but nothing came to mind.

"I don't know, maybe I'm just…not social-"

"FINALLY!" His brother interrupted, elbowing Fred a little. I shut up, looking down a little. I felt an arm on my shoulders as Fred squeezed me a little. My face got warmer as he grinned at me.

"George, this is Catilin." Fred said, his brother peering over and grinning. They looked identical, I'm not sure how I'd be able to tell them apart.

"Your new girlfriend?" He laughed, Fred elbowed him particularly hard, making a pouty face. I giggled a little, my cheeks burning even more. I didn't have very much to say, so I just remained quiet on the way to lunch. The twins, on the other hand, had much to talk about. They spoke of homework, and new 'Weasley' products, quidditch, girls and food. It was quite an interesting conversation.

The lunchroom seemed particularly empty, perhaps because Slytherin's quidditch team was out for practice. Maybe it was just me. The twins and I sat down by all of the other Gryffindors. All of that food made my stomach growl louder, I felt like everyone could hear it. I wanted everything, I could eat the whole table. I didn't want any of it, I wasn't hungry. I kept telling myself over and over, but my stomach was getting louder and louder and I think people were starting to notice.

"Aren't you gonna eat?" Fred asked, nudging me a bit. I looked at him, then back at the food, shaking my head slightly.

"Err, not hungry" I said, then my stomach growled, right on cue. I really wanted to curl up into a ball and die right then. He smirked again, since when did he care so much? I just technically met him today. No one could care this much that fast. Maybe he doesn't care, maybe he's just curious and he'll drop the subject.

"Obviously you are, c'mon, why don't you eat?" He said, waving his sandwich in front of my face. I wanted it, I wanted to grab it and shove it down my throat. I haven't had a sandwich in so long, or at least it seems like that. But I couldn't eat it, not today. My weight is still at 120 lbs, which is disgusting. I'm a whale.

"No, I really can't. I shouldn't." I said, staring at it. I looked away, trying to not look starving. My stomach gurgled and grumbled, but I ignored it. I could feel my cheeks getting redder and redder by the second.

"C'moooooon" He whined with a pleading look. I wanted the food, I couldn't let myself want it.

"I ate yesterday, I'm fine" I lied. He shrugged and took another bite of his sandwich.

"Fine. But you're eating dinner…" He warned me. I laughed in my head, he can't make me eat. I won't even go to dinner! I'll probably be in bed by then anyways. I'm too tired for dinner, I need sleep.

"Okay…" I trailed off, staring at the food. I put my head in my hands and remained silent for the rest of lunch. I let my eyes close a few times, trying to sleep, but was shaken awake by Fred.

"Don't fall asleep on me" He told me, I smiled a little and closed my eyes again.

"I'm just tired. I stayed up late last night" I answered before dosing off again. Trying to forget, and ignore everyone. They probably stared, while stuffing themselves full and talking to each other. Everyone fit in so well, and I stuck out like a sore thumb.
After lunch I was feeling extremely exhausted, and I retreated back into my cave. I slunk under my bed sheets, warm and cozy. I wasn't concerned with classes, or anyone else, not even Fred, right now all I was concerned with was sleep.