Disclaimer: Cassandra Clare created Mortal Instruments and all the characters and the universe used in this story. Like Learning to Be, the actual plot of the series is largely ignored and may only appear in a cursory manner.
A/N: The sequel to Learning to Be is finally here! Thank you for all that have stuck with me through this story. If you haven't read Learning to Be, you can click on my username and find it in my list of stories. I would love to hear what your thoughts are on that story. It's complete :).
This sequel will be exactly 12 chapters long, exploring the first year after the events of Learning to Be. Chapters will vary in length, with this chapter being pretty long and heavy on the angst. While my intention is not to make this story as heartbreaking as its predecessor, it deals with the same issues and Alec's journey will not be an easy one. Nevertheless, there is hope, joy and love in this story, as there was in Learning to Be.
In this chapter, there is platonic Jalec abound.
Important: "September 2008" refers to a day an year after the events of Learning to Be
Warning: This story deals with very sensitive subject matters, including discussion and memories of sexual abuse of minors (not explicitly described) and self-destructive behavior. There is also some coarse language and adult sexual content in this story.
Learning to Breathe
Chapter 1: By the Sword
September 2008
Magnus heard the door to the bedroom open slowly, soft witchlight escaping between fingers covering most of the stone. Magnus cracked open his eyes slightly, watching his boyfriend sneak into the room, his featherlight Nephilim footsteps soundless against the hardwood floor.
He was discarding his bow and quiver in the corner and peeling away some of the leather gear gingerly. As much as Magnus wanted to just watch as Alec got ready for bed, he decided to let the younger man know that he was awake. Even after a year of exploring each other emotionally and physically, Magnus felt the need to maintain a certain level of caution with Alec, despite Alec's insistence that he didn't need it.
"Hi darling," Magnus said softly, sitting up in the bed.
Alec jerked his head up and instantly blushed. "I thought I was being quiet," he said, sheepishly.
"You were as quiet as a mouse. I was still awake."
Alec looked at the digital clock and frowned. "It's almost 4am Magnus! What are you still doing up?"
"Waiting for you," he said, smiling at the teenager. "Long night?"
As if on cue, Alec groaned as he peeled away his leather vest. He nodded as he rubbed the back of his neck, like he was trying to get rid of a kink. "A lot of demon activity tonight. You shouldn't have waited up."
He tossed the outer hunting clothes into his laundry basket and approached the bed. Bending over, Alec grazed his lips against Magnus's mouth. Magnus immediately tried to deepen the kiss but Alec pulled away and Magnus whined softly.
Alec sighed reluctantly. "I don't want to get ichor on you. Let me jump in the shower first."
As the Nephilim stepped back, Magnus grabbed his hand, pulling him back just a bit. Alec turned around and smiled. "I'll be 10 minutes tops."
Magnus didn't let his hand go. "Happy Anniversary, Alexander," Magnus said, squeezing the younger man's hand.
Alec's face flushed again and he cast his eyes down.
"Did you forget?" Magnus asked, amused.
Alec shook his head and looked up. He bit his bottom lip and smiled shyly. "I didn't want to make a big deal out of it," he whispered. "I didn't want to seem juvenile."
Magnus smiled broadly and pulled him into another kiss. "It is most definitely a big deal and we will most definitely be celebrating."
October 2007 (11 months earlier)
Tension radiated off of Alec as he sat beside Jace on the bench outside the Silent Brothers' council chamber. He was hunched over, his elbows digging into his thighs as he buried his head in his hands. Jace wanted to touch him, place a reassuring hand on his shoulder, but he knew it would do Alec no good in the moment.
Just the other day he had found Alec reading a book on the Mortal Sword in the Institute. Apparently, Alec thought that reading every detail would make it easier for him to endure the Sword but Jace wondered if it just increased his anxiety. Jace's own anxiety seemed to be building up as he thought about what Alec was going to be forced to do and it infuriated him.
The Lightwood parents, Jace and Alec had arrived at the Silent City just passed noon while Izzy had stayed behind with Max. The Silent Brothers had insisted that as many witnesses submitted to the Sword. Jace wished that his testimony and that of Alec's parents were enough to spare Alec the pain of the Soul-Sword. But Jace knew that Alec was the only one who could explain the full extent of Manson's crimes against him and James, who could not submit to the Sword as a Downworlder.
His thoughts were quickly pushed aside as the heavy door leading into the council chamber opened. Alec's parents stepped out, followed by Brother Jeremiah. Both Lightwoods looked pale and shaken.
"Alec, dear," Maryse said softly.
The blue-eyed teenager's body jerked and his head snapped up, his eyes darting between his parents and the Silent Brother.
Jace jumped to his feet. "I'll go next."
Alec stood up. "No Jace, I'll go."
"Alec..."
"I want to get this over with." His voice was barely a whisper and Jace doubted anyone else could hear him.
"Let me come with you," Jace pleaded, even though he already knew the answer.
Alec shook his head stiffly. "I don't..." He paused. "I'll be fine."
The absurdity of Alec's words hung heavily in the hall. Jace couldn't take it anymore. He grabbed his hands in his own and squeezed them, ignoring Alec's instinct to pull away.
"I'm here, okay?" he said, knowing that any other reassurances would ring false.
Alec nodded mutely and turned away from his parabatai, following the Silent Brother into the council chambers.
xxxxxx
Alec had tried to clear his mind. He knew exactly what was expected of him. He knew exactly how it was supposed to feel. He knew that it hurt more, the more painful the memories were. All of this he knew. But he couldn't stop his heart from pounding so loudly that it felt like a bass blaring in his ears. His palms were sweaty and his face was no doubt whiter than his usually pale complexion.
And yet, he silently followed Brother Jeremiah into the chambers and waited for instructions, his face stoic and unreadable. Inside the room, one more Silent Brothers stood outside the circle of the Speaking Stars.
You must kneel in the circle of the Speaking Stars, Brother Jeremiah said, the words appearing in Alec's mind, like an unwanted intrusion. Alec held back a flinch and silently nodded.
Once he was kneeling in the circle he suddenly felt horribly alone, kneeling helplessly surrounded by strangers. He turned his head, staring at the door, wondering if this would be easier if Jace was in the room with him.
The Brother to the left, Brother Zachary, if Alec remembered correctly, stepped forward and held the Sword. The massive, silver, double-edged Sword gleamed in the torchlit room, the wings above the hilt spreading out over the Brother's grip.
Once you are handed the Sword, you must hold the Sword, blade pointing upward and await questioning, Brother Jeremiah explained.
Alec nodded mutely, holding his hands out for the Sword. He was staring at the Sword as if it was going to grow talons that would sink into him. Despite his trepidation, he took a hold of it without hesitation, knowing that he needed to get this over with, knowing that stalling only delayed the inevitable.
Instantly, pain seared through his hands and ran up his arms. He bit down on his bottom lip, refusing to cry out. It was like he was being pierced a hundred times by sharp glass, digging into his flesh and refusing to let go. He tried to steady his breathing. He had felt worse pain before, even caused some it, but it had been years since he wasn't in control of it and that terrified him more than the pain itself.
Who is in the room with you? Brother Jeremiah started.
"Brother Jeremiah and Brother Zachary," Alec said, his voice surprisingly steady.
How old are you?
"I turned 18 in September."
We have spoken with your parents and they told us of the time they saw Benedict Manson engaging in unwanted sexual intercourse with you. Do you remember and confirm the incident they are referring to? Brother Jeremiah asked.
Alec nodded, the sword compelling him into response. The anguish of holding the cold, heavy weapon intensified.
How old were you?
"13."
When was the first time he engaged in unwanted sexual activity with you?
The words were immediately compelled out of him. "October 2002," he replied.
What did he do and how did you respond?
Details suddenly came into sharp focus in his mind. The senses he remembered, the feelings, the fear and confusion, like he was there, like he was 13, like it was happening all over again. He bit his tongue and soon tasted blood. Every part of his body was on fire. His mind was being torn apart with an anguish that was both familiar and foreign while he felt himself being forced to speak, in more detail than he ever wanted to pass his lips.
xxxxxx
Jace was pacing. He walked exactly 20 steps forward, turned around and walked 20 steps back and repeated. The Lightwood parents were seated on the bench. Robert looked so unlike the stoic shadowhunter Jace was accustomed to. He had his head in his hands, his fingers laced through his hair. Maryse had her head leaned back against the wall, her eyes red and puffy.
She looked over at Jace and sighed. "Jace, why don't you take a seat?"
Jace instantly shot her a nasty glare. "They've had him in there for too long!"
Robert lifted his head, staring blankly at the teenager. "They're going through nine months of abuse and the more recent events," he said. "And unfortunately, the Sword forces the holder to speak in details."
"Fuck!" Jace screamed. "Why do we have to go through all this shit to put away a child rapist? We all know it! Why the fuck do they need to do this to him?"
He was rambling at this point. Asking questions he already knew the answer to. This is how the Clave have done things for centuries. This is how they determine innocence or guilt and the severity of the punishment.
Suddenly, Jace heard Alec cry out from behind the door. Both his parents snapped their heads towards the door, concern etched on their faces.
And just like before, when he charged into the room and shoved Manson off of Alec, Jace found himself running into the room.
When he entered the room, he could see Brother Jeremiah and Brother Zachary standing outside the circle of the Speaking Stars, facing a kneeling Alec. He was kneeling upright in the circle, his face as pale as paper, tears slowly running down his face. Jace knew he hated crying in front of others and that he couldn't even brush the offending tears away. His entire body was trembling as he held on tightly to the massive Sword.
"Stop it!" Jace yelled. "He's told you enough. I can tell you about the things that happened now."
We must have his perspective, Brother Zachary explained. Oddly, the words forming in his mind sounded sympathetic.
"It's okay, Jace," Alec said, though his voice did little to convince him. It was low and raspy, the voice of someone who has spoken too long on a topic that caused too much pain.
When Alec spoke again, Jace realized that one of the Brothers must have asked him a question.
"I had my face turned away from the door. I didn't hear Max open the door. I guess...I had a system...at some point in the night, like every night before, he would stop demanding my participation and I could go somewhere else in my mind as he...as he..." Alec turned his face away, so Jace couldn't see it.
Jace felt like a knife was stabbing at his heart as he remembered Alec's request to do this alone.
"I'll go, Alec."
Alec turned his head back to him, tears anew. "I can't...I can't do...please stay with me, Jace."
Jace could see the conflict running across his face.
"I don't want you to hear this...any of this...but..." He closed his eyes. "I don't want to be alone either."
Instantly, Jace was stepping into the cirlce and kneeling beside his parabatai. "I'm not leaving, Alec," he said, his arm wrapping around Alec's shoulders protectively. "And you don't have anything to be ashamed of."
Alec was still trembling. Jace could feel the strain in his muscles as he held the heavy Sword up. He nodded into the embrace and Jace pulled away, his hands remaining on Alec's arms.
Alec continued. "I could go somewhere else in my mind as he started...when he was having sex with me." He looked away and Jace squeezed his arm reassuringly. "It always hurt but I was used to it. It was a waiting game. Sometimes I could spend the majority of that time not present but he usually did something unexpected to bring me back.
But this time the unexpected thing came from my family. My mother screamed. Manson stopped moving. He turned his head and swore. I was back in the present and when I turned my head, I saw my parents and my brothers in the doorway.
I wanted to die. So many things happened in the span of seconds. He looked down at me, his hands pressed into my chest. I felt them twitch, like he was debating on whether or not to wrap them around my neck and kill me...kill me while he was...was still inside me."
Alec shuddered.
"But before I could think about anything, Jace was charging forward. Everything happened quickly after that. My father was yelling and my mother was holding me. Then my father took Manson away and my mother led me to the bathroom. I don't remember all the details after that. Mostly feelings...pain, shame, fear, guilt."
Jace wanted to know what he could feel guilty about but he didn't ask, not wanting to have any part in forcing him to answer questions while he held the Sword.
When did you start speaking again? asked Brother Jeremiah, the words now appearing in Jace's mind too.
"I started speaking soon after he was gone. I didn't consciously stop speaking to start with. It was like I couldn't physically do it. Then he was gone and almost everyone knew my secret. After he was gone, I remember sitting crosslegged in the bathroom in front of the mirror, opening and closing my mouth, trying to form a word but failing. Finally, in the kitchen, with my mother and siblings there, Izzy asked me if I would try some soup she was trying to make and I said 'no', soft and hoarse. I was as surprised as they were."
xxx
Alec sat there staring at his family, his face turning red as they stared back at him in shock. Had he really just spoken? His own voice sounded foreign to him. Izzy stepped forward, her eyes wide and excited.
Alec quickly stood up and stepped back.
"Alec, honey," his mom started.
Without thinking, Alec turned and fled. He slammed the door to his new room shut and fell into the bed, burying his face in his pillow. His entire body was trembling. He tried to speak into the pillow but he didn't know what to say.
Before he could think any further on it, he heard the door creep open.
He went impossibly still, his heart seeming to rise into his throat at the all too familiar sound. He was back. He had come back to hurt him. Alec would never be safe. He pushed his face deeper into his pillow as the footsteps got closer.
He didn't even seem to register that he was talking into the pillow. "Please, don't, please, please, don't do this, please. I'll be good, I promise. I'll be good."
A hand touched the back of his shoulder and he flinched so violently, his body shifted in the bed and from the corner of his eyes he could see that it wasn't Manson but his 11-year-old sister.
She was standing by his bed, worry etched painfully on her face. She had been talking this whole time and he hadn't heard her.
"Alec, you're scaring me."
Alec didn't even have the time to register his relief. He hated seeing his baby sister look so terrified. He turned around and sat up in the bed. "I'm sorry, Izzy," he said, his voice still hoarse from disuse.
Without saying anything, Izzy crawled into the bed beside him and brushed her fingers against his face, brushing away tears he didn't even realize were wetting his face. She wiped his face so gently that he didn't even flinch away. Izzy was crying too. She drew herself closer and placed her head against his chest.
"Please Alec," she said. "Don't stop talking again."
Alec kissed the top of her head and wrapped his arms around her. "I won't, Izzy. I promise."
xxx
Jace knelt silently beside Alec as he was forced to talk in detail about how he coped with the abuse after Manson was gone. The cutting, the running, the abandoned vampire den and all the emotions that went with them.
It was so painful and exhausting hearing it that he could only imagine the anguish it caused Alec. And Jace hadn't even been there for Alec when he was talking about the bulk of the abuse.
When they got to the events that played out in September, Jace once again demanded that he take the sword. Alec's voice was so weak at that point, he was barely audible. His breathing was ragged and he stumbled over his words. The blade of the Sword trembled in his unsteady hands.
But despite all this, Alec refused to give him the Sword. Even then, Alec refused to impose pain on the people he loved when he could bear it himself.
Jace almost wanted to grab the Sword away from him and take the decision out of his hand but like always, he wouldn't take away Alec's agency.
Instead, he stayed by his side until the Brothers were finally done with their questioning.
The moment he was released from the sword, it clattered to the floor unceremoniously, the sound overpowered only by Alec's scream.
Alec had collapsed from his upright kneeling position, his thighs falling against the back of his calves and his elbows on the floor with his face in his open palms.
His scream wasn't high-pitched, but one filled with pain and anguish that had been gathering inside and needed to be released.
Jace touched his shoulder gently. Alec immediately jerked away and shifted into a crouching position. "Bathroom," he urged, hoarsely.
Down the hall and turn left, Brother Zachary instantly explained, his words sounding kinder than Jace expected in his mind.
Alec nodded and instantly sprang to his feet, rushing out of the room, Jace following quickly behind him. Both the Lightwood parents were standing in the hallway, looking apprehensively at the two boys but Jace ignored them.
xxxxxx
Alec slammed the door shut and fell to his knees in front of the toilet. It was an old-fashioned bathroom that probably hadn't been updated in a century. The toilet bowl had no seat or lid and a string hanging beside it to act as a flusher. Despite the age of the room, it was very clean.
Alec gripped the sides of the toilet bowl, his head tilted over the bowl as his stomach convulsed violently and he retched, his breakfast and lunch coming up in relentless waves.
Eventually there was nothing left and he was dry-heaving, his empty stomach still convulsing. Unwanted images danced behind his eyelids. Phantom touches and pain took hold of his body and his mind was swimming with the words he had just spoken. The emotions that consumed him as a 13-year-old child and ebbed and flowed as a he grew were back in full force and he knew he was barely holding it together.
Everything he had accomplished in the last month seemed to flitter away and he was left as he once was, unable to function and needing to cause himself pain.
He heard the door open and he tensed. He assumed it was Jace and he hated for Jace to see him like this.
"Alec," he started.
"I'm fine," Alec said automatically, although the lie was instantly followed by another dry-heave.
Jace knelt beside him and started rubbing circles into his back. Alec closed his eyes, tears falling into the bowl of vomit-filled water.
Jace gently drew him away from the bowl, reaching up to pull on the flusher. He had a damp towel in his hand and he slowly pressed the cloth against his lips, wiping away the vomit from his face.
Alec knew he should feel shame at having Jace clean him up but he seemed to be at capacity with the emotion for other reasons and he was too tired to protest Jace's administration.
He just sat there, on the floor of the bathroom, numbness finally kicking in as he stared blankly at the wall while Jace finished cleaning him up.
"Where do you want to go?" Jace asked softly.
Alec just stared forward.
"The Institute?"
"No," he said, plainly.
"Magnus?" Jace tried next.
That caused Alec to flinch. "I don't want him to see me like this. I'm supposed to be better."
"I don't think it works like that, Alec."
Alec just shook his head. "I think I'll go for a run." What he really wanted was a razor and his abandoned rooftop.
"I'll come with you."
"I want to be alone."
Now Jace was shaking his head. "I can't let you do that, Alec," he said, almost apologetically.
"I won't hurt myself," he lied.
"We both know that's not true."
"Fine," he snapped. "You tell me jump, I'll jump." He focused on the anger, it was easier than the other emotions and it was better than the ice-coldness of the numbness.
"Alec," Jace implored.
"That's what I do best, right? That's why I'm here, right? I'm used to being someone's bitch. You might not want to fuck me but I can follow orders." He knew he was being nasty. He wondered how far he had to take it for Jace to leave him alone. He knew Jace was very particular about not taking away Alec's control. Jace never said it out loud but Alec knew and he loved Jace for it. He felt so guilty using that against him.
But apparently Jace was too smart for his antics. "I know what you're trying to do Alec. You know I would never make you do anything you didn't want to do but..."
"Then let me going running."
"But I know when I have to makes an exception. I'm not going to let you bully me into letting you go off by yourself and hurt yourself."
"Fuck," Alec cursed, slamming his fist into the stone floor. He hissed but felt a rush of relief as the pain coursed through his body. Jace instantly grabbed his hand, examining the torn skin of his knuckles while he pulled out his stele.
"Please, let it be," Alec pleaded.
Jace shook his head, making quick of the rune, even as Alec tried to pull away. The minute the rune was drawn Jace released his hand.
"Listen, let's get out of here. Please, Alec."
Alec just nodded. Jace had won.
xxxxxx
They had been running for hours.
Jace had texted ahead, letting Izzy know they were heading back to the Institute to change into running gear and that Alec didn't want to see anyone yet, including him but Jace hadn't given him that choice. Alec's parents had tried to say something to Alec when they emerged from the bathroom but Jace quickly made it clear that they were stopping at the Institute to grab things and leave for awhile.
Alec was a significant distance ahead of Jace for most of the run. Jace realized that for as long as Alec had been running over the years, Jace had never joined him, mostly because it was a solitary activity for Alec and because Jace never saw the value in the skill.
But now, he realized that Alec had trained his muscles for speed and endurance in a way that Jace could not compete with, even though Jace always instantly excelled at any physical activity.
Sure, he could probably win a 100-meter dash but at this point, after endless mile after mile, Jace was slowing down while Alec kept the same pace he started with, even after bearing the brunt of the Sword for so long and throwing up both his meals of the day.
They were well into Brooklyn now. Jace pushed himself to get a little closer so that Alec remained in his view at the very least. It gave Alec the chance to be alone while Jace still ensured that he was safe. Jace thought it was a good compromise.
Just when he thought the burn in his calves was going to be too much, he saw Alec stop at a tree in the park they were currently cutting through. Alec sank to the ground, leaning against the tree, staring off into the distance. There were a scattering of mundanes in the park but their glamour kept them hidden from sight.
When Jace finally reached Alec, he could see the sweat drenched into Alec's clothes and could only imagine how he looked. Jace settled down beside him, panting heavily.
"Damn, Alec. Could have warned me that you were planning to never stop."
"We're stopped now."
Jace shook his head in disbelief.
"You didn't have to come," Alec retorted, not unkindly though.
"You know I wasn't going to leave you."
Alec rubbed his palms against his thighs absently. "I know."
They were silent for a moment.
"I'm sorry," the older boy said. "For what I said earlier. It was unfair."
"You don't have to apologize, Alec."
"Just because I'm hurting, doesn't mean I need to hurt others."
Sometimes Alec was too selfless to even be unintentionally selfish.
"You don't have to go through this in silence."
Alec finally turned to look at him. "I don't know what I did to ever deserve you in my life."
"I can say the same thing about you, Alec."
"Sometimes, I feel like I take more than I give."
"That might be how it feels to you right now, but that's not how it feels to me. After my dad died, I was an orphan in a new city and I was expected to live with people I had never met. I was hurting and you were there for me, always. If it wasn't for you Alec, I don't know how I would have coped."
Silence fell between them again until Alec once again broke it. His bottom lip trembled slightly as he looked at Jace.
"I'm hurting, Jace."
He closed his eyes.
"Everything hurts so much and the only way I know how to fix it is to hurt myself." He laughed harshly at the irony.
And finally, as if he couldn't physically hold it in any longer, Alec collapsed against his brother, letting the younger boy wrap his arms around him protectively as he let everything out, his sobs muffled by Jace's shirt.
"I'm here. I'll always be here."
Alec nodded into his chest.
"I know."
A/N: Wow, so I finally started this sequel. I have the basic outline and as you might have inferred, each chapter will follow two main timelines, their one-year anniversary in September 2008 (one year after the events in Learning to Be) and what happened in the months leading up to that day. In each chapter we will see the progression of their anniversary and look back at one event in each month of the year leading to their anniversary, coming full circle in chapter 12 when we officially reach September 2008.
Even though each chapter revolves around a particular event, I'll wrap up loose ends organically in other parts of the story. You know me, I love the using flashbacks. We've got timelines within timelines here. So, don't worry, we will find out what the result of the whole trial (for which we only see a portion here)
Please let me know what you think! This is going to be a tough but rewarding journey for Alec and I hope you'll stick around for it and let me know what you think in a review!