Crimson Ties

by Sorrel

Duo, out on the balcony with a knife and a bottle of alcohol, mourning what little is left of life

Crimson Ties.

   Duo sat out on the balcony of the apartment he shared with Heero and contemplated the whiskey he held in one hand and the switchblade he held in the other. Rain poured down, soaking him, but he really didn't notice. He was too busy listening to the words that poured out of the radio. The song was Force Field by Smash Mouth, and he was struck by how much they suited him, all of them.

Today's escape will consist of a mask
I found it in a bargain bin
Why do you ask?
Rosy cheeks and a smile
There's no shame in my game of denial.

   Yeah, that was him. Shinigami wearing Duo's mask. He didn't blame the others for believing the false face. Half the time he believed it himself. Talk about denial.

Don't you touch
Move along
Keep your hands inside
Ask enough from afar
It don't get much better than this

    No, for Wufei, it didn't. He never changed, which was both a pain in the ass and a blessing. If you asked enough questions of the untouchable dragon, you eventually got an answer. It just wasn't necessarily the answer you wanted. Duo chuckled with a bare hint of remaining humor as he remembered all of the times Wufei had exploded in temper because of his endless chatter. Another part of his mask, of course,

Manning my station
Taking control of the situation
Say hello to my force field

   Oh yeah, baby. The Perfect Soldier in three lines. The self- isolated, untouchable, emotionless, mission-obsessed man who could never care about anyone, who always pushed them away. Especially a certain longhaired boy who wore a joker's mask.

Beaten down on all fours
And they stare as they pass
Please don't feed or provoke
Or tap on the glass

   Those lines made him think of Trowa. The tall, enigmatic man was a lot like the cats who loved him. Silent, deadly, and not one you would want to taunt.

Bet you never felt quite like that
You could say don't complain where I'm at

   Oh, he felt like that, all right. They all did. Since the war had ended, they had been gawked at by the public like exotic animals in the zoo. And they damn well did have a right to complain- they all felt as out of place in the peace they had fought to create and preserve as a giraffe among dwarves.

You won't see me cry

   No, they wouldn't. The one and only Duo Maxwell never cried. He never lied, either, but he twisted truth and presented it to the world as pure. And he wore a mask- perhaps the worst form of lying that existed. Lying to oneself.

You won't see me die

   No, Shinigami didn't die. The Perfect Soldier didn't either, but not for lack of trying. God knew he had attempted it often enough.

The escapade still exists of the task
Of pullin' off a miracle out of my &$

   Duo almost grinned at those words. Damn right. They had all pulled off some truly miraculous miracles at on point or another during their career as Gundam pilots.

It don't get much better than that
A savvy fox, a loyal dog, a sunny cat

   Yep, that was Quatre. Smart, loyal to the bone, and the sweetest person to set foot in outer space. You couldn't get much better than Quatre. And that was getting him even more depressed, because Quatre was everything he wanted to be but could not.
   He heard the song on the radio stop, followed by ads. He took advantage of the break to swallow half the bottle of extremely potent whiskey. The next song that came on, This Is Where it Ends by Barenakedladies was better suited to him in particular.

I don't buy everything I read
I haven't even read everything I've bought
I don't cry every time I bleed
My eyes are dry but they're bloodshot

   No, he never cried, but sensitive, observant Quatre had noticed his deteriorating health. Duo had blown him off, not wishing to get into an argument. He didn't have the energy for an argument. He barely had the energy to read and critique Heero's mission reports, which had become his special task since he had been sent off on temporary sick leave by the officious Lady Une. Yeah, he was in bad shape, and he didn't even have the energy to care.

But this is where it ends
This is where it ends
Call the police and call the press
But please, dear god, don't tell my friends
This is where it ends
This is where it ends

    He looked down at the open switchblade in his right hand. This is what he had come out here for. This is why he had sent Heero out of their apartment with some dumb excuse, so he could sit here in the driving rain with a bottle of whiskey and watch the blood flow from the last two cuts he'd ever make on arms that were covered with scars.

Where's my pride? Where's my self-esteem?
Does it show in the drinks I've bought?
I don't hide every time I'm seen
But I try not to get caught

   He snorted and looked down at the whiskey in his hand. What pride? What self esteem? If he had those, he wouldn't be preparing to kill himself. He just didn't care anymore what the others thought of him, what they thought when they saw his scars, the ones which were all too obviously not battle wounds.

Make excuses for behavior
Can my illness be my savior?
Hid my heart while you still gave yours

   He wished. The Perfect Soldier didn't have a heart to give, even if he did know of Duo's feelings. But at least the others knew that he had some problems, so they blamed any love-struck idiocy on depression. They were fools not to see the truth.

I have loved and I have waited
Been picked up and been sedated
Mental health is overrated

   Yeah, he'd drink to that. What did sanity get you in life, anyway? Well, he loved Heero but had waited long enough. Some of the scars he bore were from the timed he had tackled near-impossible missions and had, to his great dismay, survived. Who said that kamikaze tactics were a bad thing?

But his is where it ends
This is where it ends
 

    He had waited long enough, lost in thought. Supported by the ending words of the song, he lifted the sharp, gleaming blade and made two deep cuts, one on each wrist, severing the flow of life that pulsed there.
   Pain was beautiful. As beautiful as the deep crimson that seeped out of the pain and spilled over his hands. Hands that he wished he could have used to give his love pleasure, but you don't get what you want in life- especially if you're Shinigami.
   A pair of very concerned blue eyes appeared in his blurred field of vision. "Duo? My God, Duo, what the hell have you done to yourself?"
   Duo let his eyelids fall shut as he heard the gruff emotion in the Perfect Soldier's voice. "Gotta tell you… love ya always have always will… bye Hee-chan…" His voice faded away to nothing as his grip on life frayed. There. He'd told Heero, and he'd never have to worry about his reaction, since he'd be gone.
   "That's nice to know, Duo, though I wish you'd told me sooner, because I love you too. And if you die, I'll follow you into Hell and kill you again."
   Duo tried to make sense out of his love's words, but besides I love you, things were pretty much a jumble of nonsense syllables. "Whatcha say?"
   "I love you and if you die I'll kill you." Heero had his Perfect Soldier voice again, but this time Duo was able to understand both the words and the emotion behind them. His heart sang even as his grip on life frayed.
   He opened hid mouth to respond, but Heero negated the action with a quick shake of his head. "Just try to stay alive."
   Despite the order, Duo's lips formed three whispered words. "Shinigami can't die."
   "That's really good to know, because right now you need all the help you can get." He picked up the braided ex-pilot, who weighed far less than he should from months of depression-caused starvation, and carried him into his bedroom where he laid him on the bed.
   "Don' leave," Duo protested went he felt his koi pull away. Heero shook his head and place a finger over his lips.
   "Never."
   As Heero cleaned and bandaged his wounds then climbed into bed with him, Duo realized two things. The first was that though everything wasn't perfect, things were certainly better than they were. The second was that his tie with Heero was one of love formed of blood. And such crimson ties were the strongest of them all.