Author Note: I got bored, liked the thought of jealous Regina, turned what was meant to be a smut piece into a joke and this is the result. There's still smut though, right in the middle there. Would I lie to you?
Disclaimer: I suppose I should put a warning up that someone dies, but it's such a minor, annoying character - I doubt you even notice it.
"You kissed Hook?!" Regina made a disgusted face as she walked beside Emma, swallowing down on the bile that accompanied the lurch of her stomach.
"He saved David." Emma shrugged and continued walking, swatting the bugs and leaves that constantly tried to attack her face, completely oblivious to the way Regina had paled considerably with her response.
Regina stopped as she tried to figure out if there had been any logic involved in what - or rather why, Emma had put her mouth anywhere near that filthy, pathetic excuse for a man and hadn't realised Emma had stopped as well upon noticing no one was beside her any longer, at least until she spoke again. "Uh are you coming?"
Concluding that there was still no reason at all for the blonde to be making out with anyone – least of all the damn pirate - Regina fixed her with a glare and growled. "Are you fucking kidding me?"
Emma's eyes widened for a moment before a frown creased her forehead and she asked. "Did you just swear?"
Stalking the distance between them, Regina invaded her personal space and extended her hand to poke at Emma's chest, emphasising each word as she spoke. "Do not change the subject."
Taking a step back, Emma ignored her first instinct to get angry and raised her hands in the hope of calming the suddenly irate woman. "Um.. sorry?"
"As you very well should be! If you think for a second I'm going to allow you and your boyfriend to play happy family with my son, you've got another thing coming." Regina scowled at Emma's expression as it brought to mind an image of a deer caught in the headlights of a speeding car. Shoving her out of the way, Regina stormed off into the jungle while mumbling to herself about bloody pirates.
Looking up into the sky, Emma threw her hands into the air and appeared as though she were searching for divine answers as she yelled. "What the hell just happened?!"
When night fell and she had caught up to the rest of the group, they had made camp in a small clearing where Emma was in the process of picking at what passed for food when Regina wandered over and sat down next to her without a word. She still had no clue what the outburst earlier in the day was about and had been somewhat hesitant to approach her, due to the fear of having her head bitten off again. So she was surprised and mildly suspicious of the move, to say the least.
"Regina?"
Ignoring her, Regina's gaze was directed across the fire where Hook was, sitting there with his smug look that she wanted to slap off his face or better yet, melt it with fire. Unfortunately, Emma could sometimes be just as incessant and annoying as her nauseating parents and had begun repeating her name over and over until Regina thought she would lose her damn mind.
"WHAT?!" Emma's eyes widened again and Regina had to resist choosing between kissing the stupid look off her face or transferring the physically violent urges toward Hook on her and slapping it off.
When Emma's shock wore off, she noticed the way Regina was scowling and turned her head to see that everyone was staring at them. Rubbing the back of her head sheepishly, she gave them a faint smile, shrugged her shoulders and as soon as they went back to minding their own business, she faced Regina again with her eyebrow raised. "What is your problem?"
Regina's eyes narrowed. "I have no idea what you're talking about."
Emma snorted. "Uh huh, let's ignore the fact this is the second time you've yelled at me."
"You were being annoying."
Emma rolled her eyes, not having expected anything less than an insult, though she did at least concede the point because she had in fact attempted to annoy Regina into saying something – successfully, she might add. "This time, why the first time?"
Giving her a once-over, Regina sniffed distastefully and waved her hand in a dismissive gesture. "You're always annoying, Miss Swan." Inwardly, she was in a state of panic and all she could do was hope Emma had one of her 'distracted by something shiny' moments before she opened her mouth again.
Sadly her hope was granted in the form of a leather-clad imbecile invading on their privacy, and the retort on the end of Emma's tongue went unsaid as he gained her attention. Regina was happy to note however, that Emma seemed even more upset by his intrusion than she was.
"Hello love." Stupidly mocking, he bowed to Regina. "Your Majesty."
Emma opened her mouth to respond, only before she could get even the beginnings of a word out, she closed it when Hook yelped and fell to the ground. Glancing to Regina, she saw the familiar purple dissipating as well as the smirk gracing her lips and ended up grinning her approval instead.
"What the hell Regina? Now my pants are ruined!"
"Oh I'm sorry, Princess." She flicked her wrist toward him and Emma burst out laughing as Hook now stood before them in a pink, floor-length ball gown.
Hook growled. "Very funny, change it back."
"Oh but you look so pretty." Regina fluttered her eyelashes, with a far too innocent pout on her lips.
Emma continued to laugh, gasping as she tried to breathe and talk through her laughter at the same time. "So.. very.. pretty."
Enjoying the sound, Regina allows herself a small smile and keeps her eyes on the blonde as she speaks to Hook. "I'll change it back, without the tear, if you leave the moment I do."
"Fine! Just do it already." He stamps his foot childishly, not realising how ridiculous he looked doing so until another round of laughter began and Emma toppled to the floor as she leaned too far over.
Shaking her head at the blonde, Regina flicks her wrist toward him and replaces the dress with his usual attire sans tear, like she promised. When he simply stood there with his idiotic smile looking down at his outfit like it was his long-lost brother, she conjured little balls of fire and tossed them at his feet, basking in the continued laughter – that she was entirely responsible for - as he gave a shout and danced away from the flames before spinning on his heel and running to the other side of the camp.
After a few more minutes of giggling and hiccups, Emma managed to compose herself enough to push herself from the ground and back into her original position. Sitting beside the brunette, she releases a disappointed "Aww." at the loss of entertainment.
With an amused chuckle, Regina makes a suggestion. "I'm sure your parents will come over here shortly, I'll be happy to assist in causing you to collapse into another fit at their expense."
Emma smiled and shook her head. "Let's.. not go there, shall we?"
Regina feigned surprise. "Why on earth not? Parents are supposed to want their children to be happy, I'm sure they would enjoy your laughter almost as much as I do." She froze the second the words left her lips and found that she was once again hoping for a distraction because she knew, she knew the only thing Emma would focus on from that entire sentence was the stupid slip of her tongue. The woman was like the living embodiment of a magnifying glass, zeroing in on a specific detail and blurring out everything else.
Emma grinned as she could clearly see Regina berating herself, she could almost picture the hammer that Regina would conjure to hit herself over the head to escape the hole she had just dug herself into. Shifting closer, Emma's grin widened when Regina visibly flinched. "You like my laugh?"
Regina clenched her jaw tightly, not trusting her mouth to keep the affirmation in her mind as she shook her head vigorously and ignored the fact their knees were now pressed together with how close Emma had gotten.
"What else do you like about me?"
Where to start – Regina closed her eyes and continued to shake her head. No where, she was not to start anywhere. She would sit here, until morning if she had to, not talking and pretending the blonde didn't exist - except she did and if Emma didn't stop moving toward her, she'd end up in Regina's lap and.. oh that is not somewhere her mind should be going.
Regina's hand blindly flailed about a moment before she clasped the knee that wouldn't stop brushing against her and she unclenched her jaw to blurt out a single word. "Stop."
Attention drawn to the death grip on her leg, words escaped Emma as heat emanated from the hand and seemed to seep in and flow through to other parts of her body. "Hmm?"
"Moving, stop moving." Regina growled.
"I'll stop, if you answer my question." Deciding it was worth the possible risk to her life, Emma lightly danced the tips of her fingers across the back of Regina's hand.
"Your hair." It came out hoarse and desperate but she didn't care, she just needed Emma to get the hell away from her before she did something they would both regret, especially in front of an audience.
She swallowed as her hand was coaxed from Emma's knee, a low whine sounding in the back of her throat when instead of releasing it back to her, their fingers were intertwined and her eyes snapped open as she felt a tug of her arm. Emerald eyes were pleading as Emma stood before her, looking down at her with her stupid puppy dog face that Regina was certain even the devil himself wouldn't be able to resist. "Come with me."
Not wanting to make a scene by resisting and more than curious as to where Emma would take her, Regina stands and allows herself to be led away from the clearing as she attempts to convince herself that the relief she feels has to do with being taken away from the dim-witted duo and their malodorous pet - the fact she was about to be alone with Emma had nothing to do with it, nothing at all.
Emma took her time walking them to the stream she had found earlier while out looking for firewood and although she hadn't had a lot of time to admire her surroundings, she did recall the sense of peace she felt in the few minutes she spent shuffling around the area. She had no idea what they were going to do once there but she did know the longer they had stayed at camp, the thicker the tension between them was bound to get and as much as she would love to be jumped by the former Evil Queen, she didn't think her parents would appreciate the visual, even less so when it involved their arch-nemesis.
She was slow, she could admit that to herself. It wasn't until Hook had come prancing over to them that she came to the realisation that Regina was jealous and suddenly the one-sided argument that ended in Regina storming off earlier made sense. She had no doubt in her mind that she was right, sometimes her brain processed things slower than a geriatric slug on a salted snowed-in street but she figured it out, eventually. Whether or not Regina would admit it and do something about it, well that was another matter entirely – something she was excited to uncover the answer to.
When they finally stumbled into the glade, Regina's eyes went wide almost immediately as she felt the magic tingling along her spine. She tried to step back but Emma's grasp on her hand wouldn't relent, in fact she was fairly certain that if anything, it had tightened even more. Having no other choice, she swallowed and moved forward to stand on Emma's side and a gasp escaped her lips when Emma turned her head, emerald eyes now almost entirely black as her pupils dilated fully.
Already she could feel the spell working its way through her veins, desire coursing through her body with the way Emma just stood there staring at her, her pale lips slightly parted as a tongue swiped over them before the bottom one was taken prisoner between perfect teeth.
The tension between them finally broke and they came together with an animalistic fury, tearing the clothes from each other as their mouths met hungrily, consuming each other with lips, tongue and teeth while hands fumbled with buttons and zips, shirts and pants discarded without thought or care as to where they might land.
Their bodies pressed together by the uncontrollable need to feel one another, Regina felt herself being lowered to the ground and suddenly there was a very wet, very naked Emma Swan straddling her waist. Even with the discomfort of whatever was jabbing her in the back, she couldn't bring herself to focus on anything other than the way her stomach was being coated with the slick heat of Emma's pussy as she rocked against her.
Emma pulled their mouths apart with a half-gasp, half-moan as nails raked down her spine, the pain causing her back to arch in pleasure and provided Regina with an opportunity she was more than happy to take advantage of as she reached up to cup the pale breasts presented to her, delighting in the way Emma arched even further, her nipples hardening in the palm of Regina's hands.
When she regained control of her body and was able to think once more, Emma lowered her mouth to Regina's neck and began kissing a trail to her chest. She could feel her own wetness on her stomach as she shifted further down Regina's body and latched on to her nipple. Her hand found its way between Regina's legs, slipping between soaked folds and drawing a murmured, "Oh god" from the brunette as fingers brushed against her clit.
Regina weaved her hand in blonde hair, holding Emma's head to her breast as teeth scraped along her nipple. She bucked her hips into the hand when Emma pressed two fingers to her entrance, whimpering as they filled her completely and began thrusting in and out. Emma curled her fingers every time she pulled out, caressing the sensitive area along Regina's front wall every single time and already Regina could feel her release building, her body heating as she writhed and - sweet Jesus, if she had known Emma had such magical fucking fingers, she would have done this a lot sooner without the stupid enchantment surrounding them.
Giving one final nip to Regina's breast, Emma switched to the neglected one, sucking it hard into her mouth as she increased the pace of her fingers. She pumped deeper, harder as walls clenched around her, a thumb rubbing tight circles around Regina's clit until she came with a cry of Emma's name, shuddering and moaning through her release.
When Emma removed her fingers, Regina whimpered at the loss but it quickly became another moan when her lips were captured once again in a languid kiss, their tongues lazily exploring each others mouth, drawing small sounds from one another until Regina recovered – and when she did, she wasted no time in snaking her hand between their bodies to cup Emma between the legs before she slammed two fingers into her, easily burying them within tight, clinging heat and liking the sound of Emma's surprised gasp, but loving the growl that followed before she ground down on Regina's hand.
Emma was soaked, there was no other way to describe it – she had felt the wetness pooling between her legs the moment she stepped into the clearing and now that Regina was inside her, she became impossibly wetter as she practically impaled herself on the slim fingers, over and over again. The sound of flesh meeting flesh sounded unusually loud in her ears, igniting a fire in the pit of her stomach.
Regina could feel Emma tighten around her fingers and assumed she was close but as the minutes passed and nothing happened, she started to wonder if perhaps she was doing something wrong. It wasn't until she witnessed the frustration that seeped into Emma's eyes and the shallow gasps of, "I can't." that she recalled the one rule to the spell that had been placed upon the clearing and she hazarded a guess as to Emma's distress. "Emma, is there something you want me to do?"
"I.." Emma closed her eyes, even as she continued to thrust helplessly against the fingers that stilled inside her.
"Tell me."
"Your mouth.." she groaned as a thumb swiped across her clit. "I want your mouth on me."
Removing her fingers from inside the blonde, Regina ignored the grunt of protest and slowly cleaned each one, moaning as the slightly salty taste filled her mouth. Had she not already been willing to accommodate Emma, she had no desire to deny her now. "Then what are you waiting for?"
As soon as the words were out of her mouth, Emma moved to straddle her head and Regina placed a kiss to the inner side of pale thighs before she grabbed Emma by the hips and pulled her down, sliding her tongue through her folds before thrusting into her.
Emma closed her eyes as she moved up and down, fucking herself on Regina's tongue while hands slid over her hips to massage the cheeks of her ass. When Regina pushed her over the edge, Emma exploded into her mouth and stars appeared behind her lids.
Regina continued to lick and suck at the blonde, not wanting their time together to be over so soon - Emma tried to move away but she tightened her hold and moved to her clit. She paid no mind to the whine it drew as she pulled it into her mouth, sucking until Emma started to thrust against her once more.
To Emma, it felt like she had fallen over into the abyss only to be suspended midway and forced to endure another moment of bliss. She was a sweaty, squirming mess caught between pain and pleasure as teeth grazed her sensitive nub and it wasn't long before she could feel her release approaching again.
Regina slipped her tongue back inside Emma as she felt the increased moisture coating her chin and dug her nails into the flesh of her ass, squeezing and urging her on until Emma came undone for the second time, her body shuddering as she filled Regina's grateful mouth.
Emma used what little energy she could muster to roll off of Regina and lay down beside her, the silence between them comforting as she came down from her high. When she had recovered enough, she turned to the brunette. "Not that I'm complaining... but what the fuck was that?"
Regina chuckled. "I think it's a Revelation Spell or something similar, I highly doubt it was meant for adults to stumble across."
"Yeah, no shit." Emma grinned.
Two days had passed since their time together and Emma had started to notice the way her father looked at her every once in awhile. She assumed he was simply worried about her after Snow had blurted out that Neal was alive, she wasn't all that sure how she felt about it but she did think his concern was a little unnecessary, even if it was well-meaning.
Regina, on the other hand, was on the verge of going mad and quite possibly, a murder spree. Emma had said nothing to her since Snow opened her big fat mouth and while they hadn't spoken much about that night, she had been certain that Emma was over the pinheaded ape but now she wasn't so sure – she had chosen to save him over finding their son, didn't that mean something?
When they finally came upon the cave, Hook stopped them all with a raise of his hand and blocked the entrance as he spoke. "Do I need to remind you of what needs to be done?"
"We each need to reveal a deep, dark secret once we find the monkey blahblahblah- get out of the way so we can get this idiocy over with." Regina glared at him.
Shrugging, he leads them into the cave, whistling an irritating tune as he saunters along that results in Regina ruining his outfit yet again when she throws a fireball at his ass. The holier-than-thou speech from Snow that she can see coming from a mile away goes unspoken when she summons another, her eyes silently begging the insufferable peasant to give her a reason to use it.
When they finally reach the end and see Neal, he shouts Emma's name – pointlessly, since they all completely ignore him as they look to one another to see who would go first. It's no surprise to any of them when Snow takes a deep breath, looking to each of them before she blurts out, "I can't keep a secret."
"Uh Mom?" Emma tries to interrupt.
"Not now honey.. I tell everyone I can but I can't, I just have this impulsive NEED to share everything.. all the time.. shamelessly."
When she's done, Regina slow claps and drawls, "Very good, Snow. Now why not share something that's an actual secret to anyone who's been alive for more than the last five minutes."
Flustered by Regina's snark, she blurts out another one. "I want another baby!"
At that, Emma's eyes glaze over as she looks to Regina who beckons her forward and wraps her arms around the blonde before turning to Snow and snarling, "You're a monster."
Without hesitation, David is the one to speak next. "I took an arrow to the ribs to save Snow, so now I'm dying and won't be able to give her another child..." Even as the second piece of the bridge connected to Snow's, David turns to Emma with a smile and adds. "Which I probably wouldn't have done anyway because my daughter is enough for me."
When Regina releases her, Emma walks over to hug David and when she steps back from him, Hook takes her by the hand, ignorant of the way Regina is trying to melt his small brain with the power of her gaze as he starts talking. "I kissed Emma."
Regina scoffs, "That's not a secret, you ignoramus."
He shakes his head. "It's what the kiss revealed that's the secret." He smiles softly at the blonde. "I realised I'm not in love with you either, Emma."
Emma raised her eyebrow. "Woe is me?" But Hook ignored her as he turned to David, his eyes filled with hope.
"It's you I love, David and I will save you!"
The gasp from Snow was overshadowed by the sounds of Regina's laughter, it wasn't until her father launched himself at Hook and embraced him that Emma joined in.
When their laughter finally dies down, Regina sighs and side-glances Snow with a sneer. "I've honestly never really wanted to kill Snow White." When nothing happens, she frowns briefly before realisation overcomes her and - swatting away Snow's attempts to hug her, she adds "I do enjoy watching her suffer though." and smiles as the last part of the bridge fits into place.
Emma cringes when she realises it's her turn and she glances to her mother briefly before turning to Regina with her eyebrow raised.
Regina laughs. "That's your biggest secret?" at Emma's nod, she shrugs. "Go ahead."
Emma fills her cheeks with air before she confesses with a single breath. "IhadsexwithRegina."
"WHAT?!" Snow, Neal and Hook yelled at the same time as David singsonged, "I knew it."
Even as the cage begins to release Neal, Snow cries out. "Tell me it isn't true!"
Regina smiles widely as she taunts Snow. "Oh it is true and she was spectacular, my dear. Her hands are useful for a lot more than holding a sword."
Surprised by Emma's confession, Neal scrambles from the cage as it falls around him. So focused on his goal across the chasm, he fails to notice the jagged piece of stone protruding from the bridge, trips and falls to his death.
While everyone froze as they looked over the edge and watched his descent, Regina snorted with the attempt to hold back her laughter. "Oops."
The End.
Another Author Note: Okay so it was noticeable and was the entire purpose of the last scene, sue me.