Gary Grotter and the Rock of Socrates

Chapter the First

The Boy Who Didn't Live

The Duhsleys, of number forty-four, Boxwood Lane, were quite unlike any family in the entire world to this day (even back when the global population was roughly half of what it is now). There were simply the stupidest family to ever exist. They were infamous for doing some very strange things, known amongst the neighbourhood of the endless Boxwood Lane (no one had walked onto the start of the lane and reached the halfway point within their lifetime). They were also very easy to influence, meaning that since the previous year, their catchphrase was 'Greed is good' (you can guess what year this first chapter is set in). Therefore, they had made an enormous deal of buying and spending whatever they possibly could. They were only saved from total bankruptcy by the sympathetic town council of Largish Haging, who supplied them with £500 daily. The reason for their stupidity was because both Vermont and Carnation Duhsley had been born with severe brain deficiencies, so when they met way back in '75 (which was not, let's say, exactly that long ago in 1981) they were made for each other. They had a son who at age one was as large as a ram, whom they called Bladudley (originally Bladud, but they had to rename him due to copyright issues with the new film 'Brittanica Roma', which only made $5 worldwide and gained a -11111111111111111111110 percent rating at the pre-internet review show, Mouldy Watermelons). The Duhsleys believed that Bladudley was destined for great things, such as the award for the fittest person in the world (however, he would most likely go for the 'biggest person on the earth' award). Let's call him Bladud. So, one day, November 1, 1981, Vermont Duhsley set off for work at the rock factory (where they 'made' rocks. It seems that Vermont Duhsley had imagined the rock factory with his defective mind). In his stupidity, he even ran straight into the wall in the kitchen, which he thought was the door (you may groan now, good people). So, he got into his enormous solid gold, silver, platinum, brass, and rhodium (people will probably not understand what that last metal is) limousine with 15 rows of seats and clumsily drove to the rock factory. After a few minutes, he stopped at a traffic light and noticed something enormous and orange at the side of the road.

It was a tiger.

Not just any tiger, either.

It was a Caspian tiger, which happened to be the biggest of the modern tigers and furthermore, it had been extinct for many years, even in 1981. 'Urrm, meow?' said the Caspian tiger, attempting but quite spectacularly failing to appear to be a house cat. Luckily for the tiger, though, Vermont Duhsley was simply too dumb to realize what the thing at the side of the road was, and he simply kept driving. After a few more minutes, he stopped again, at the back of a line of cars that appeared to be waiting for…a flock of about 150 chickens to cross the road. However abnormally large that flock of chickens was, Vermont Duhsley didn't care, being simply too dumb to process what was going on. So, he simply barraged through the cars in front of him (which is a surprisingly easy thing to do when you have a limousine which 15 rows of seats) and continued to work. However, after a few more minutes (and the lives of about 35 chickens) later, he arrived at the rock factory… and realized it wasn't there. So, he simply drove home to 44 Boxwood Lane (weirdly enough, this happened every day of the week. Yes, even the weekends).

So, after Vermont Duhsley, who was confused as to the events of the day that a sensible person would call a very strange day, indeed, had gone to bed with Carnation Duhsley and Bladudley Duhsley (who was given a bath to heal him of some injuries he had obtained from falling off the table (because he broke it with his weight. The magical waters of the bath could, strangely, heal Bladudley Duhsley of any sort of injury, but his parents didn't know why), a figure, cloaked in shadows, appeared in the street. As he walked, a car came barreling into the road, nearly knocking over the figure. The figure cursed in a somewhat loud voice (no need to cover details of what he said) and drew from his pocket a device about the size of a television (a 60-inch television, to be precise, an item which did not exist back in 1981). He clicked a button on the device somewhere, and every light in the street went green (yes, and a very bright green as well). Then, a roar suddenly emitted from the bushes. The figure sighed. 'Come on, Professor McDonald. How subtle of you. Real subtle'. A Caspian tiger, in fact the very same one that the man known as Vermont Duhsley met, leapt out of the bushes and transformed into an old woman. She was very grim and grey in general. 'I am sorry, Professor Bumblegore' said the old woman, Professor McDonald, in a sincere voice. 'Thank you for that lesson in how to use that tiger morph. I'm lovin' it'. 'Well, Professor McDonald' said Halbus Bumblegore ' I understand that you are really a former member of the Animorphs, and that you fought the Yeerks in underground war for years, but you really must work on your subtlety'. 'Thanks for the advice, Bumblegore,' said Professor Athena McDonald 'but, where is the boy?' 'Gary Grotter, you mean?' said Bumblegore 'It was a miracle he survived an attack from the dark wizard-'

'Don't say it' moaned Professor McDonald.

'Mouldemart,' said Bumblegore 'and at the age of one year, as well. I wonder how he did it'.

'Well, if you consider the fact that Moulde- I mean, You-Know-What, was armed with a stick when he battled him' said Professor McDonald 'His parents, John and Callia were killed by that evil man too. And besides, you didn't answer my question. Where is Gary Grotter?'

'Hugrid's got him' said Bumblegore.

'Hugrid… oh no, he'll kill him! Imagine you were a one year old boy who survived an attack by You-Know-What and got killed by a giant hugging him' groaned Professor McDonald.

'It's okay. I promised Hugrid a chocolate chip cookie with white chocolate drizzling from his services. Hugrid is loyal if you can motivate him right. Besides, I trust him. He'll get the boy here…'

Halbus Bumblegore had no sooner finished the words when a huge flying… Mini car flew over the hedge and landed in the street. A cramped giant climbed out of the car. He was seven feet tall, with a black beard and huge arms. He pulled off his motorbike goggles.

'Hugrid…' said Bumblegore 'Have you brought the boy?'

'Where is the chocolate chip cookie with the white chocolate drizzling?' said Hugrid.

'Later' said Bumblegore 'So, have you got the boy?'

'Yup' said Hugrid. He pulled a still bundle out of the confined boot of the Mini.

'Oh, Hugrid…' groaned Professor McDonald.

'Here's Gary Grotter' said Hugrid 'Rescued him from the rubble. Poor thing was lying there. I thought that I should give him a hug…'

'Don't tell me he's dead…' moaned Professor McDonald.

'But I didn't' said Hugrid. Professor McDonald and Professor Bumblegore breathed silmutaneous sighs of relief 'I thought of that chocolate chip cookie with white chocolate drizzling and I didn't do it. So, I just picked him up, shook some pieces of rubble off him, put him in the boot of the Mini, and flew over here. I'm proud of that Mini. Young Comedy White lent it to me. But I'm not giving it back… he he he'.

'Enough, Hugrid' said Bumblegore. 'I am going to leave him with these Duhsleys, his only living relatives. He will suffer at there hands, but suffering can, as they say, make a man better'.

The three laid him down on the doorstep. As they did this, they noticed a scar of his fight with Mouldemart. It was a scar, shaped exactly like a waxing gibbous moon.

It was the start of an incredible adventure of parody for Gary Grotter.