A/N: I'm aware that we have only seen 4 episodes of the show so far, but after Icerde, and for some reason, I fell right into Yamaç Koçovalı's head space. I'm guessing that part of the reason is the resemblance between this character and Sam Winchester but it really doesn't matter since I know I may be doing a lot more of this in the near future as long as Yamaç keeps inspiring me even if no one actually reads it.
I'm sure we'll be getting to know more about the character's past and what made him into the person he is today, but until that happens I've decided to draw from imagination and how I see him in my head so far, so a specific part is totally just me.
And until the site includes the show in the list, I'm gonna be adding this fiction (and hopefully any more future ones) to the Misc TV Shows Category.
Coda: This follows the funeral scene when Yamaç's mother "finally" decided to let her self mourn her deceased son.
Disclaimer: I don't own him, if I did do you think I'd be actually sharing?
Warning: Unbeta'ed, all mistakes are mine!
- BREATHE -
Breathe.
His mind whispered and he wasn't sure if it was meant for his mother or himself.
His mother, whose wails came in waves, rocking against the shore of his soul and tearing at his resolve layer by layer.
Breathe.
Her fists knocked into him, again and again, and although they were weak with grief, pain radiated through his body and stole his breath.
Breathe. Breathe.
It was as if the sad melody traveling through his brother's window was the straw that broke the camel's back. He held his mother's jerking shoulders tightly through the worst of it—a part of him knowing that it wasn't just for her sake.
That was the moment he has been dreading his entire life.
That was what he had walked out on his family ten years ago for.
That was what he has been running from.
He had managed to put a distance between himself and this family for a whole decade. After years of struggling alone, he was finally able to put himself together and stand on his own. He built a new life and pushed his old one to the back of his head, naively thinking that they wouldn't eventually collapse into each other despite his best effort.
He saw Sena running towards him and had to stop her in the last minute despite how desperately he wanted to cling to the only connection he had to his life. His arm returned to his mother's back on their accord, firmly submerging him into the life he had left behind as if it was playing a cruel joke on him, marking its territory and mocking him for ever thinking he belonged elsewhere.
Suddenly the weight against his chest wasn't supporting him anymore, he was trapped instead.
And he couldn't breathe.
Breathe, Yamach. Breathe.
His chest burned as hot tears slipped from his eyes unwillingly.
His brother was dead. His father was fighting for his own life. His mother was breaking between his arms. His other brother was drowning in his guilt and helplessness. The Family Business was left for him to manage. An entire neighborhood was relying on him for protection.
And then there was Sena.
He was stretched too thin he felt his skin was going to break.
Breathe.
His chest heaved as his mother gradually started to calm down after what he knew was just barely ten minutes but still felt like hours. His mother's grip loosened and the pressure inside his head started building up. It felt like her pain had seeped into him while their chests were pressed together, and the more composed his mother became the more faltering he felt.
The more strength she gained, the more momentum he lost.
He realized she was the one supporting him when her flat palms replaced the white-knuckled fists. And before he had the chance to lean into the unfamiliar comfort of the gesture, the hands holding him squeezed his shoulders briefly before they were completely gone.
His mother turned and walked back into the house with surprisingly steady steps as the music faded and gave in to the loaded silence.
You are the man in charge now.
We don't show our weaknesses.
You can't afford to be weak.
We mourn in our hearts.
He wasn't sure if he was swaying or the wind was simply trying to pluck him away.
He felt hollowed out, like his insides were scooped out and one single touch would scatter him into million pieces.
Breathe!
And he tried, he inhaled shakily but the air didn't quite reach his lungs. He tried as a violent tremor shot through his body like quicksilver and his heart started to quaver.
Yamach! Breathe!
Hands were on him, holding his body which was now shivering uncontrollably. He flinched away and put his shaking hands under his armpits to quell their quivering and wrapped his arms around himself like he was used to do. Like he many times had to when he only had himself to do it.
Yamach!
It was Sena.
He finally realized.
And this time when she tried to hold him he let her. When she pushed him into the house, up the stairs and into his room, he didn't fight her.
The soft click of the door being closed hauled him mercilessly into another memory of another door being slammed shut behind his back, his father's departing words ringing in his head.
If you go out that door, you can't ever come back.
Not for my death, and not for yours.
He thought he had slipped away, he thought he could run away, leave behind who his father wanted him to be.
And now he was not just back, but the role of what used to be his father's was being handed over to him. He was making decisions he didn't want to make; he was trying to do what he thought was right even when it didn't seem like it, all without losing himself in the middle.
But he had lost control before. He had killed someone before.
Someone's blood would always taint his hands.
And he was afraid he would unconsciously allow himself to completely settle back in; and then there would be no going back this time.
Breathe!
In a few days he was going to establish a temporary truce with the man who killed his brother when all he really wanted was to tear him apart with his bare hands.
The familiar rage burned underneath his skin and his blood boiled to the point at which his head was going to explode.
Yamach!
Sena. Sena's voice. She was here, she was holding him, anchoring him to the here and now and to the other life he thought he had, before it was taken away from him with just four words.
Your brother is dead.
His body was starting to feel tingly as he tried to draw in a full breath. The fire running through his veins turned into ice but he still tried to breathe.
Breathe, Yamach.
The walls were closing in on him. He was swaying and finally his body gave in and he found himself on his knees on the wooden floor.
He had a few panic attacks as he grew up to recognize the feeling.
And he knew he was scaring Sena.
Sena.
Even though he resented the fact that she was witnessing the one side of his life he had never had the intention to show to her, he had no choice but to cling to her if he didn't want to drown.
It was the reason he had fell hard for her. She anchored him to the better side of himself; to the person he had always wanted to be.
And she accepted him even after she had a glance of what he could be.
Breathe, Yamach.
He concentrated on her soothing voice, her warm touch and buried his face in her chest and only then was he finally able to breathe in.
He greedily dragged in a breath after another until his taut muscles started to relax.
He was drained. The weight on his shoulder was too heavy at the moment he let himself fall under it.
When Sena tugged at his arms he struggled to stand up and let her take his weight as they moved around the bed. He collapsed onto it, slight tremors wracking his body in aftershock.
His eyes followed the love of his life as she moved around the bed to take off his shoes and pick up the quilt and cover him. It was soothing, just watching her move around the room.
Breathe.
A shuddering breath left his lungs as he wrapped slightly shaking fingers around Sena's wrist and held it to his chest when she sat down on the bed beside him.
She wiped his cheeks with her other hand, kissed his temple, before her fingers started to run soothingly into his hair.
He looked at her soft features, her warm smile, and blinked heavily. Sena's voice was the last thing he heard before he finally welcomed sleep for the first time since his life was altered by the four words.
Breathe.
Fin
Have a great day!
Aya S.