Willow doesn't think she's a god.
She finds that very important, as she sits in her room thinking of the healing crystals and candles she has hidden in her box spring. She knows it's a little bit of a fire hazard, but it's not like she smokes. And they're just in case…just in case she needs them. In case Buffy's in trouble, Big Bad kind of trouble. Or in case Anya goes all Vengeance Demon-y again, and tries to eat Xander or something… not that Vengeance Demons eat people… that she's heard of. Or if Ben turns into Glory again, and goes after Dawnie. Just in case.
Gods don't need candles or crystals or sacred sands. If she had any real power, Tara would have stayed. If she had any real power, Buffy wouldn't have been so broken when she brought her back. And since she doesn't have any real powers, she doesn't need to try any more spells. Never, ever, ever.
She starts shaking again, mentally cursing herself. Why is she so weak? "Goddess Hectate," She shouts towards the moon. "Let me be free, let this pain-" The door hits the wall with a crack and Buffy comes rushing in, followed by a more hesitant Xander.
"Willow," She grabs her hand. "We're here, you don't need to do this. You don't need the spells! You are the strongest woman I know. C'mon, you can do this, Will." She thinks her best friend can't see how tired she is, how much of a chore they are to her, how much she just wants to lay in bed for the rest of her life until she dies again, trying not to move so it doesn't hurt so much. Why can't Willow want the same thing? Why is Buffy so special?
"Will," Xander says softly, stroking back her hair. "It's gonna be okay, Will." She starts crying because how could he know? How? "We love you." She throws up on his shoes and then passes out.
Two nights ago she was with Amy, at Rack's. She knew what they were doing was sick and wrong and twisted, but it just felt so good. And how can something that makes you feel that way be bad? How can it when everything that's supposed to be right is hurting you so much?
Afterwards, she and Amy are wandering lazily down the streets, floating on air. Amy turns to her and smiles, "You're different, you know?"
Willow smiles back at her, "No, I'm basically the same. Everything else is just...all changey, makes me look different too." She looks up at the moon, she can feel herself pulling in the power from it like electricity or something.
"Maybe," Amy rolls her eyes. "Now, let's see what else has changed," She flashes that sharp grin of hers and for a moment Willow misses rat Amy, who just listened to her and never commented and didn't have any thoughts. Just for a minute though.
She wakes up to find Buffy asleep next to her, holding her hand. She peers down and sees Xander curled up at the foot of the bed, hugging a big puffy pillow to his chest. There are light rays streaming through the windows. Which means somewhere a vampire is being flambéed. She smiles and stretches.
Buffy stirs next to her, "Not now, Mom," Her hand bats at the air. "Homeroom doesn't start for another hour." She giggles at her best friend, who opens one eye at the unfamiliar sound. "I wasn't talking in my sleep again, was I?"
"Not really."
"Oh good," Buffy sighs, sitting up. "Once Dawn caught me and wrote down this whole monologue I had about Angel in her diary…and then read it aloud to him." She shudders, "Badness."
She cracks a grin, "Remember when we brought her to the YMCA and taught her to swim?"
"Oh my god, and Faith dunked her," Buffy snorts, covering her slight smile with her hand. Buffy likes to push all the happy thoughts out lately. Apparently, it makes it easier to be all broody. In fact, it isn't long before she frowns again, "It's still weird, that they aren't real memories, y'know? The monks really thought of everything, even made Spike like her." Buffy stares and the wall now and Willow knows what's coming next. "I've got to go…make breakfast."
Willow sighs, nodding, as Buffy leaves the room. She looks down at Xander, who is still in his own happy, dreamy world. She bites her lips, and then rolls over to the other side of the bed, closing the curtains and pulling the covers over her head.
She doesn't need any of it. She's just keeping it, just in case.