It's nearly midnight and about every student of Blackwell has made an appearance around the Tobanga's totem, forming long, impatient queues.
"Please remind me again, is there any particular reason why we're here?" The shivering brunette asks her blue-haired friend who lights a cigarette and places it in her mouth.
"Wow, Max. You really are new around here," she shakes her head disappointingly, the smoke forming a cloud around her.
"Yes I am," the girl answers sharply. "So just tell me what's going on because this is creeping me out."
"So, basically, every year everybody from Blackwell gathers around Tobanga and-"
"It's midnight!" Somebody shouts, and like a spell, everybody falls silent, not daring to move. Max looks over uncomfortably to Chloe, but her friend seems to be taking whatever it is seriously as well. Feeling left out, she decides to just go along with it.
The first person in the line suddenly drops onto the ground, Max nearly gasping from the unpredictable move.
"O, mighty Tobanga! Please, take this gift in exchange for fulfilling one of my wishes!" The person continues speaking, placing down an object Max couldn't identify. She is amused with the whole situation that seems to be a little Blackwell thing to do. It's just like with the fountain, you drop in coins while making a wish. Max wonders, what made them all so excited about doing it, but doesn't dare to ask in case it'd offend someone and interrupt an important ritual whatsoever.
She quietly waits for her turn, listening to many wishes of the others. It's amazing to know what each individual person desires.
"Oh 'banga, you know you're like, my best friend, right? Do your friend a favour and make her the winner of 'The Everyday Hero Contest', please?" Victoria winks at the totem, suggestively massaging its wooden front.
"So . . . yeah . . . my wish . . . " Nathan leans in closer, as if to whisper it into Tobanga's ears. "Please make my daddy love me again. I'm so sorry for trying to steal you, but damn, you're just so hot. Here, have my number. I'm dealing with several mental illnesses right now but I know how to treat a cute lady such as yourself right. You can even call me Daddy if you wanna. Seriously, please do. I have daddy issues, but I will make sure that you don't, wink wink."
Daniel was next in line. He got onto his knees and took a sketch book out of his bag. "Oh yes . . . oh yes, that's perfect, don't move," he said excitedly - maybe too excitedly - while drawing Tobanga's naughty portait. "I wish you were real, Miss Tobanga. We would . . . have so much fun together while I was drawing you . . . wink wink."
"Ew, move over, it's my turn," Brooke pushed past him with a salty face mode on, ready to bitch about. "Tobanga," she said with a stern look. "I thought we had an agreement," she stepped closer to the totem. "Last year you were supposed to make Warren want me as much as Frank wants his beans and today I tried to steal one of his underwear and he freaked out on me. What is this shit, Tobanga?! Do you have a crush on him too?!" She got in Tobanga's face and began to shower it with her saltiness.
"Step back bitch," Tobanga had spoken in a powerful God's voice and everyone gasped. Brooke fell to her knees.
"I'm sorry oh great Tobanga, it will never happen aga-"
"Silence!" It cut her off and looked at the next person in line. "Your turn, little girl with black eye and sissy clothing."
Warren stepped forward and hugged the Tobanga.
"Make Max love me, please, I beg you," he began crying. "Since that blue haired chick hit her with that truck she went through a concussion and totally began to ignore Big Dr. Graham. And that Dr. Graham should always be in Da House, meaning Max's pu-"
"Purge!" Max vomited onto Victoria's shoes.
"Gurl, drama," Tobanga said. "Boi she don't want you. Get a tat, smoke cigarettes, dye your hair blue, wear punk ass clothes and try again! Thank you! Next customer please!"
Max stepped forward. "Uhm, I would like to-"
"Gurl, not so fast, what you doin?" The Tobanga cut her off.
"What do you mean? I thought we're supposed to-"
"Gurl, you thought wrong," it said and slowly opened a little hole inside of it.
"That hole will do too, I guess," Warren began unzipping his pants.
"Ew, hell nah," Tobanga exclaimed. "You gotta gimme a bit of cha-ching before I grant your wish, you hipster."
"Oh, I guess that seems fair . . . " Max reached for her wallet and took out a 5 dollar bill.
"Gurl, oh come on, don't be like that, I gotta live too, y'know? I ain't got that easy. You know how much I gotta pay the birds to not shit on me? Them motherfuckers greedy."
She reaches for $10 but the totem grimaces. "Come on, you can do better than that."
"I only have a $100 and it's supposed to be for my food and-"
"Then you don't want your wish, that's cool, NEXT, stop wasting my time broke ass bitches, goddamn."
With a sight, Max places the $100 into the hole and Tobanga smiles. "Good choice. You may now proceed with your wish."
"OK, uh, I'd like Chloe to be mine without hearing I wish Rachel was here every fucking five minutes, like seriously."
Chloe pushes past her. "Did someone say Rachel?! Damn, I wish Rachel was here, Tobanga."
"Yo," the girl suddenly appears next to them.
"What the fuck?!" Chloe spins around. "Aren't you supposed to be, like, dead?"
"Sure, but I got a wish to wish for."
"Can't argue with that," the blue haired girl lets her pass.
"So, I want to be Mark Jefferson's best model EVER."
"You called?" He taps her on the shoulder and begins to address the Tobanga. "I wish all those stupid sluts were answering my questions as perfectly as Max Caulfield does."
"Oh, Mark," Stella sighs with admiration and clear desire to fuck him against the Tobanga.
"Ew, don't even think about it, you don't pay me enough for that shit," Tobanga exclaims.
"So at least make him my own Christian Grey!" She protests.
"Hmm, okay. Off to The Dark Room you go."
"Wait, what?"
Mark smiles and stabs her with a needle.
"Hey, losers, my turn!" Logan pushes past everyone. "I want Max to finally twerk for me," he winks at Max.
"But she ain't got the ass," Tobanga answers.
He slips Tobanga $1.
"Twerk for me girl!" Tobanga says and Max begins to wiggle her non-existence wiggly wiggle twiggle.
"Hold on," she says, exhausted from the twerking. "I have another wish! I want Chloe to stop FUCKING DYING EVERY SINGLE EPISODE GODDAMIT!"
"I want Frank to finally finish his beans," Rachel says quietly.
"Wouldn't you rather wish for him finishing you?" Logan winks.
Max breaks down into an ugly weaboo cry. "I wish I have picked bacon and eggs instead of waffles."
"I wish Max would finally send me one of her selfies," Warren sighs.
"I wish I was still a soldier," Madsen cuts in.
"I wish I didn't fuck Logan 'cause he gave me an STD," Dana sobs.
Everyone gasps.
"A WHAT?"
Everyone starts shouting wishes atop of each other.
"EEEEENNNOOOOUUUGGGHHH!" Tobanga shouts and immediately everyone shuts up as an earthquake shakes all of them.
"I had enough of your shit!" It adds and a shuffling of butt sound follows. Then, Kate emerges from Tobanga's secret ass-exit-entrance.
Everyone gasps.
"No amount of money will ever give me the patience to deal with you ungrateful ateists. Now, excuse me, it's tea time in the Satan's dimention," she says calmly as she gets out a wand out of nowhere and teleports herself into Hell.
. . .
. . .
. . .
"Who wants to bust into Kate's room and look for a magic spellbook so we can create another Tobanga?!" Logan shouts and everyone agrees apart from Nathan who attempts to steal Tobanga once more.
After a longer while, he finally gives up. "Damn, you were good, I'm exhausted," he winks. "Now, I'm afraid we must part ways. You have been a great companion and a wish-come-true machine and more, but-"
"Nathan," the totem speaks in a gentle voice. "Nathan, don't leave, I love you!"
"What the fuck? OMG You can talk OMG of course I'm not leaving you I love you," he starts kissing it and the moron doesn't realise that it was Chloe speaking from behind Tobanga.