This is a letter I feel that Mimiru might write and although the language might be a little too advanced for her age group, I stick by what I have written.
Mimiru's last name is unknown so I've gotten into the habit of giving her Koishitawa as a surname. Don't ask me how I came up with it since I really couldn't tell you.
I have given up on writing a Sora-centric fic fro now because I am not in the properly crazy or creepy mood. Maybe it's best. lol
Samanda
Disclaimer: I do not own dot hack or Mimiru and Tsukasa.
Title: I Undestand
You all think of me as a child and yes, I am still the little girl crying out for the attention that her parents couldn't give her. But there is another part of me that is beginning to emerge from within my psyche that you have only caught glimpses of. That unformed piece of my soul is untried by hardship or suffering and needs to be tempered by experience.
And you, my dear Tsukasa, seem to be the one destined to fulfill that role.
By that I mean that I am trying to understand your life and what you went through. Trying to look through your eyes or walk a mile in your shoes, however you want to put it. What I know now has made me less of a child and more of the woman I will someday become.
Bear and BT don't understand. Well, Bear tries to understand but he sees me as a child unaffected by change instead of realizing that children are affected more by change than adults. And I think that BT just doesn't want to know that I have changed. They want me to just go along with kiddies like A20 and pretend that while everything is not fine, it will eventually turn out that way.
You and I both know that that is a lie. Life is uncertain and things do not turn out okay most of the time. Something happens to you but you deal with it as best as you can. You keep going on because to stop dealing with things is to stop living and if you stop living, you die. That is truth.
And I admire you for that. You gave up and tried to let yourself die. But you didn't succeed because you let people into your heart and you began to live for yourself again.
By watching you, I understood that truth and I began to learn something of adulthood. And now I am changing into an adult and leaving a childhood that was neither sad nor happy behind.
I write this letter to you so that you know you may come to me with your troubles. I know enough to help you through what you feel and unlike BT, I will listen to you without sitting in judgement. Sharing makes us stronger people, Tsukasa. To hold what we feel inside makes us brittle and eventually the brittle break.
Tsukasa, I understand enough to help you through your problems. Please, never forget that.
I know that I will not be a child much longer because there are certain things that a child cannot understand. There is also two emotions denied to them. And that is love and lust.
When I say love I don't mean the love a child gives a parent or the love between siblings. Romantic love is denied to a child because they really have no concept of anything beyond familial love. And their hormones lay dormant till they are a teenager and so they cannot experience lust in the true sense of the word.
I know you will ask yourself, "And how does Mimiru know that she is no longer a child?"
And this is the answer. I am in love. It is not familial but rather physical and spiritual in emotion. It is unlike anything else I have ever experienced with my parents, my younger sister or my friends at school. I catch myself thinking of that person in a physical way sometimes or dream about it late at night.
That is how I know that I am no longer just a child. I am now a girl on the verge of womanhood with all it's mysteries and excitements. Sometimes it frightens me but at other times I find myself looking forward to the trials and tribulations of that time.
Who I love is forbidden but not by culture or tradition but by family, my own family. One cannot change how one is born or change your own character with any degree of success, I fear. But the heart is a free thing and not bound by rules, only by emotions. And my emotions have chosen and until such time as what I feel fades, if it ever does… I will love you, dear Tsukasa.
Sincerely,
Koishitawa Mimiru