So this is especially for you Dee and Meghan over on tumblr. Ayla and I know how much you love angst so we decided to team up and provide you with a little gift. Fic inspired by this beautiful gifset see it on flyingbluebirds tumblr. Angst, feels ahead, enjoy
Unbeta'd so all mistakes are my own.
Regina needed space. She needed to be alone, well not alone exactly. She needed to be somewhere she could think about everything. Without being interrupted. Something that was apparently hard to achieve in this stupid town.
We have an affinity in this world for defining the undefinable. We place meanings onto things we can never understand. Family is not two adults and two and a half children with a white picket fence; it is everyone who treats us as one. Normal doesn't exist as everyone's normal is different. Grief cannot be defined by a single word when it is a cacophony of emotions from guilt to heartache. The two great unknowns of this universe and others beyond are not what came first the chicken or the egg? The two great unknowns are Love and Death. Are we all destined to fall in love? , is there someone somewhere that is our true love?, our soulmate?. Can love conquer all?, the hardships of this world, our own insecurities, or is love just an illusion, something that builds us up to crush us back to reality. We do not know what happens when we die, many of us have our own beliefs, to comfort us, to reassure us or just because we want to believe that our story does not end after this world.
Regina wasn't one to look back at the past, nor was she one to think of what could have been. That only makes the heartache worse. She didn't believe in regrets, she made every choice, because at the time, it felt like the right decision. She did feel remorse though for all those she'd hurt, the guilt had gnawed at her heart for years. There is also a difference in living in the past and reflecting it, honouring those who are gone.
Some people are in our lives from the very beginning, watching us grow, feeding us, teaching us, loving us. Others join as our story progresses. Regina had learnt, far too late, that these people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn.
It is also intriguing as to what we remember and the way we remember things. We live such structured lives, we almost live on auto pilot, yet our memories are so scattered. We do not remember them in chronological order; we remember the things that affect us the most. Often we remember the very best and the worst. For Regina those lines were blurred. When she closed her eyes she thought of five people. Five People that shaped her life. Five people essential to her story.
The first was Daniel. It would always be Daniel, too many, including her mother, he was just a simple stable boy. A servant of a royal household, a lowly peasant. For Regina he was so much more. Regina would be lying if she hadn't known he was of a lower status, there was no escaping it, and it didn't matter to her though. Daniel represented something status could never give her. Freedom. Freedom to explore the world. Freedom to do a job he liked, oh how Regina wished she could have worked with horses all day. Freedom to be himself, a luxury Regina had never really been afforded. Regina had first met Daniel on the best day of her short life, it was her 14th Birthday and her papa had called her down to the stables, after she had finished her lessons. Suffice to say Regina didn't listen much that day much to her tutors and mothers dismay. She had quickly changed out of those outrageous puffy dresses, ugh how she hated them, she was sure her mother was trying to display her like some evil panda or something into a pair of comfortable light beige briefs and a fur waistcoat. She had dreamed of being a bandit in another life. Greeting her at the stables, along with her father, was a beautiful chestnut stallion, her first horse. Words had and still couldn't express the joy she had felt. Something was hers, solely hers, not her mothers. A horse as well, it wasn't just a gift, it was more, and it was a symbol of trust. She hadn't noticed Daniel at first, too excited. He had shyly complimented her riding ability, "I have seen many people ride horses Miss Regina, some view them as a commodity, needed to plough the fields, or haul their crops to market, some see them as a symbol, of wealth, of power. You see it differently; you see it as a companion a friend that is something very rare indeed."
Regina had blushed furiously, no one other than her papa had really been nice to her before- "Thank you very much Mr, I am terribly sorry, I don't believe I know your name"
"Oh don't worry, Miss, you wouldn't I'm just a stable boy and I failed to introduce myself- my name is Daniel Colter"
"Mister Daniel, you are not just a stable boy, you are more of a gentleman than many who have claimed to be so much more"
They both chuckled at that. The evening began to draw in and it was time for Regina to return to her prison, her home. She found herself for the first time looking forward to tomorrow.
When tomorrow came, it came with a feeling of fear, there was so much that Regina didn't know. When she was with Daniel everything seemed different. She wasn't a princess, she wasn't a future monarch. Her responsibilities didn't matter. She could speak the truth, she could voice her fears and Daniel would listen to her. Sometimes he offered reassurance, that she wasn't a failure, that there was more to life than fear and rules. Other times he would say nothing, just a smile, knowing that she just had to figure out how strong she was on her own. He loved her with every ounce of his being, despite knowing nothing ever good was come from their relationship. His story would come to an end; it had been rewritten by being her friend.
For the next four years there would be secret rendez vous, there would be stolen kisses and hugs too brief. There would be comforting silence. Their friendship blossomed into something more. Regina wasn't the naive young girl anymore, she knew deep down it was only a matter of time. Tomorrow, she pushed the thoughts back until tomorrow. Praying that tomorrow would never come. Tomorrow bought uncertainty, the risk of being discovered. That this fairy tale would end. She wanted to go back to the start.
That day, when she had rescued young snow white, she was ecstatic, she had made her decision she was going to tell Daniel how much he meant to her, how she had finally realised love was the reason we keep on living. When she had seen the horse, spooked and out of control, her mind had taken her to a different reality, where the person on the horse was not a stranger but their daughter, discovering the thrill of riding for the first time.
That future would never come to pass. Her mother snatched her lover's heart. Crushing her dreams to dust. Daniel would never see another tomorrow.
Regina cried herself to sleep. Cried for the loss of someone she loved with her whole heart. Cried for a future she no longer wanted. Cried for herself, a lonely, estranged daughter about to be married into a life of grandeur, a business contract, of convenience not of love.
Her father was the only one that truly understood her pain, her sorrow. He was the next person she would think of. She would forever remember his words of wisdom, he'd offered the morning after Daniel's demise "No one tells you that you will be in love one day and then tomorrow arrives and is filled with heartbreak and sorrow, just remember my love, that no matter where this world takes you you are loved by so many and by no more so than me. You are not alone; he is in your heart. He always will be"
Nobody said grief was easy. Nobody said it would be this damned hard.
Her father had always been there, offering her a sincere smile, a hug when her mother's words cut a little too deeply. He taught her how to love and how to care. Now a lot of people may view Henry Mills as weak, sticking by Cora, knowing what she was capable. Her father stood up to her mother in his own ways, by loving with his whole heart and soul, by teaching her the same. He stood up to her by allowing Regina time in the castle grounds, as well as her lessons. He defied her with every smile, with every ounce of happiness. Cora, was at the best difficult to live with, without her father, It would have been insufferable.
Regina remembers one of these times in particular, she was only young, no more than five. The castle was huge; the grounds seemed like the entirety of the kingdom. Of course she was a queen and an explorer and a mom all at once. She shot down ogres; she captured princesses, even lived in a log. She was doing what a child does best, explore ask questions, and generally annoy the adults when they want one minute of peace and quiet. Regina had perhaps slightly underestimated the width of the stream, and before anyone could react she slipped, gaining a graze on her knee. She had cried, asking for momma and papa. Momma had took one look and told her to stop crying. She was a queen. Queens don't cry. Her papa had sent Cora a stern look, one which Cora pointedly ignored. He made his way other to his daughter and hugged her tight; Regina had felt safe and warm. He had told her that all the best explorers get bruisers but that it was how we reacted to the pain that determined how much of a hero we were.
That's where Regina went so badly wrong. Regina did not deal with the hurt or anger. She let hate consume her. Her father stood by her every decision. Every mistake. Believed in her every step of the way. It wasn't enough. Not at that point in her life. That decision had been the hardest one in her life, she wasn't sure if she could do it. She wasn't sure if she could betray her father like that. He wasn't a stupid man, he knew what was coming, he knew the decision she would make before she did. She expected to see fear, anger, and disappointment as she reached into his chest, hands closing around his pulsing heart. Instead all she saw was love.
We have some people in our lives, that we question what we did wrong to warrant such a treatment. This had always been Regina's deepest struggle with her mother. One thing should be made clear from the start, no matter how strained their relationship became, they both loved each other, it just became increasingly difficult for either of them to show it. Cora Mills was someone who took pride in appearance; she practised not only in dark magic but the magic of illusion. People are inherently shallow. They cast aspersions based on what they see, no matter how much they wish they didn't. This illusion, cannot get you everything, it cannot get you love, it cannot get you freedom. It can get you power. Power was something that Cora caved, at first it was an ambition to make a better life for herself. To be seen as a someone rather than a nobody. The only trouble with living a lie is that you have to bury the truth further inside you. For Cora that meant concealing her love for Regina. Regina had forgiven her mother for Daniel, she did not understand her actions, or how one supposed to be so kind could be so cruel. She forgave her though because she knew that often the darkest deeds are borne out of the deepest desire for love.
She had hated her mother, not for killing Daniel, but for not letting her grieve, for forcing her into a loveless, abusive arrangement that only benefitted her. She had just wanted to be loved by her mother. She wanted a hug, a smile, a reassurance that one day life would be worth living. It took death though, and a trip to hell for mother and daughters to finally find peace. Regina saw the sincerity in her face, the tears of regret and remorse, falling slowly from her mother's face. As she reached out holding her hand, the memories once taken from her, she opened her eyes and saw something she had never seen before. The woman that greeted her, a smile, full of love, was her momma, not Cora Mills. She saw the fear as she stepped towards the edge. Ready to embrace whatever fate awaited her.
Neither of them could get back the years lost, but it wouldn't make a difference. We make our own choices and have to live with the consequences. Now though, her mom had finally realised the strength in love. Sorry couldn't erase all the mistakes they had made. All the people they were responsible for killing. An apology could not heal their relationship. It did allow it to end it on a better note than it started. Her mother was prepared to burn in the depths of hell for her and Zelena. That meant something, and for the first time Regina realised how much her mother truly loved her.
Robin, where could she even begin? There were so many what ifs, so many could have beens. So many memories. He had come along trailing a stench of forest behind him, goofy smiles and hope. Of course she had dismissed him. She didn't need another person like the uncharmings in her life. She was alone and heartbroken. She had lost the one good thing in her life, the one thing that had given her a purpose in her life. He was persistent, not in an entirely bothersome way. He sassed her back; he saved her arse on more than one occasion. Not that she admitted it to him. She was the Queen after all. He had seen past the façade immediately, seeing a grieving mother. He gave her space when she needed it, and pushed her when she needed it. She tried, oh how did she try to push him away. Knowing that this would be just another thing that ended in a broken heart. He didn't break it though; he fixed it, piece by broken piece. Offering his own when hers was elsewhere. He made her smile- from the way he would play with his son, looking at him like the world. He spoke with such sincerity, with compassion and concern Regina couldn't help but be soothed by it. He was a man of honour and integrity. He was her second chance. They were soulmates but the title meant nothing, with Robin they were a family. They could go for walks in the moonlight, walking hand in hand marvelling at the night sky, they went for ice cream with their sons, always managing to leave a bit behind. Hell they even had their own booth at granny's.
It was the way Robin would softly touch her hair, guiding it out of the way, gently tucking it behind her ear. She remembered the night in the vault. She had tried to be the better woman; she had to let him go. She had to do the right thing. She wasn't sure her heart could stand it only being a one night thing. He was a man of honour, but his heart had led him there. Honour be damned, she was the frickin evil queen, she'd done a lot worse. It took them seconds to forget all of the reasons they shouldn't be doing this. Too caught up in each other's bodies. Tracing every curve, healing every scratch and every bruise with a kiss. Soft tender, others hot and passionate. Oh god, how he had teased, enjoying it far too much. She had tried to get back into control, she failed. He was too damn was embarrasing how she giddy she was, her mouth heart from smiling so much and well… The night faded into morning as they bought each other pleasure. Forget tomorrow. They could just live tonight again, right?
He bought a smile to her face, even when he wasn't there. Magic, power, possessions didn't matter all they ever needed was each other, all they needed was the love they gave. Robin it was only ever you. He made her feel like the furthest thing from a monster.
One thing Robin said would haunt her for however long she was destined on this earth- "You are my future". God how she wished she could crush someone's heart. Slowly and Painfully. She questioned how life could be so harsh. Could be so fickle. Regina thought in the days, weeks, months after his death, how they could've had it all. How they had it all: a family, two wonderful boys and a daughter, love that could last lifetimes. They had been played to the beat. He was right, despite the pain and anguish. Robin was right- Regina was his future. We do not get a choice in who lives and who dies. Robin chose who would tell his story, to his children. Robin and Regina would always have a future, it just wasn't together.
The final person that Regina had fond memories of, was herself. There was no one that had affected her life more than herself. She had come a long way from the girl who wanted to play with dolls and fight in the courtyard. She had gone through enough heartbreak to last a lifetime. She had made decisions that would cost her happiness. She had sacrificed more things than she should have. Her decisions had led her to where she was today. A loving, caring mother, with more family then she had ever expected. Friends with her previous arch nemesis, a mayor, a queen. If there was a reason why she was still alive, when so many that she had loved had died. She was willing to wait for it
Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes. How do you measure a year? A year since Robin had died. It honestly felt like so much less. Some days it didn't sink in, she thought he was still stuck on the other side of the town line, in an apartment waiting for her. Other days it was too much and Regina just broke down. Just like she did with the anniversary of her father and Daniel's deaths. She would grieve for the loss of the moments she never spent with her mother. Regina had spent the last year in cups of coffee, applying an extra layer of concealer to hide the red under her eyes, counting the hours of unprompted tears. The numbers of clothing that she had found scattered around the house
The next year and for all the years after she would measure in love. She had to come here, to see the names etched onto stone. To tell them she was sorry. Sorry for the unspoken words. The questions never asked. She knew no words, no actions could speak louder than her heart. She turned to each stone in turn, tracing the outline of their names- tell me you love me, come back and haunt me. Please. I'll rush back to the start.
She took a deep breath. Now she realised that sometimes the ones we love the most, say it best, when they say nothing at all.
Did you enjoy? Comments. constructive criticism appreciated.