He had watched her belly expand over the last few months. The brightly coloured tight clothes she previously had lived in were abandoned for some better fitting clothes, that showed off what he desperately wanted to conceal. To pretend that it wasn't really happening. That he would wake up and he wouldnt have slept with her. That this wasn't really happening.
He tried to deny it, that the thing in her stomach wasn't really. He couldn't, in early September he found out she was expecting a girl. He knew that would please her, she always wanted to have a daughter. That's what she said when they first started hooking up. He wished he could escape it, but even in his dreams he couldn't get away from baby girls. For months it plagued him, yet he couldn't seem to find the words to vocalise his feelings. He couldn't ignore the sense of guilt he felt towards his husband, yet he couldn't stop thinking about her. Half of her was him, and he was truly sorry for that. He didn't want to pass on the destructive streak he had in him onto her, his baby. Well Rebecca's baby, he couldn't really stake a claim into her.
He knew he hurt Rebecca. He used her, and she had to pay the price. He was horrible to her, turning people against her. When they were both to blame. He said some really horrible things to her, the baby would just complicate the matter. He knew Aaron didn't want his child, he protected the facade that he didn't either. Yet when Rebecca showed off her scans to Chrissie and Vic, he wanted to see it. At first he thought it was because he wanted some sort of proof. But as the months wore on, he was genuinely interested. There was the obvious proof from the way Rebecca caressed her stomach, particularly when she bumped into something, as the years went on this increased. Yet, he never went to see if she's OK, he ignored her. Making snide comments. He would never let on to anyone, but he noticed how tired she made her. The bags on her eyes gradually growing. How it became more of a struggle to walk. She never complained though, at least not in public. Almost like she didnt think she had a right, she was the one who wanted it.
He found out from Vic's instagram when she was born, the sixth of December 2017. Weighing 6 pounds 12 ounces. He saw a photo of her, and he felt something, yet he quickly scrolled. He couldn't look at her. He didn't go on instagram after that. He didn't want to see Vic's doting auntie routine. He found out her name from Aaron, he had heard it from Chrissie. Felicity Ellen Victoria White. She took her name, he wasn't surprised. He hadn't done anything to prove that he would be a good dad. Aaron looked for a reaction, wanting his husband to feel something, yet nothing. Even when the baby was here.
It wasn't until Christmas eve that he saw her. Apparently she had breathing difficulties when she was born, so they kept her in and then Rebecca didn't want to take her out. Except, he found her in the pub. Diane was holding her, cooing how sweet she was. This time, he couldn't resist a peak, in the pram when no one was looking. She didnt open her eyes, she remained asleep. His heart sunk, because she looked so peaceful, yet she was a vicious reminder of what he had done, the pain he caused.
He finally built up the courage to go to Vic's when she invited the three of them to hers for new years eve, the, both knowing that Rebecca and the baby would be there. He didn't dare call her by her name, to him that was acknowledging she existed. He nervously waited by the door, Vic answered it, as they went to the front room. Aaron asked where she was, Vic replied that she was feeding her. Something that Robert didn't want to know.
She came down twenty minutes later, the baby in tow, laying her in her moses basket. He didn't look at either of them, distracting himself with the other guests. Even when she cried, he didnt tend to her, Rebecca took her upstairs. He wanted to say something, yet he couldn't bring himself top. Maybe express his sympathies to her, he was acutely aware that yet again she had fallen out with her family. With the whole Lawrence Chrissie thing. Yet he couldn't. Because there was the risk that she might try to talk about the baby.
Aaron saw the baby, going as far as to stroking her fine hair. Yet he couldn't. He avoided her all evening, leaving as soon as possible. He didn't want the baby, and he certainly didn't need any reminders of her, of them.
It was a cold, bitter January evening, nearing the end of the month. It was growing dark, he knew Vic and Aaron were out. Neither would need to know. So he built up the courage to knock of the door, knowing she would be all alone. It took her some time to answer, he was just beginning to think about walking away. The dumbfounded look on her faces says it all.
She apologies for how long it took her to answer the door, she was feeding the baby. He can see this from the buttons on her shirt not being done up properly, and her attempting to wind the baby. He had done some research on babies, he knew that you had to wind it.
They sat their in silence, as she offered him a drink. He shook his head, not wanting anything. He eventually builds up the courage to ask if he can see her. She nods, rubbing the babies back, as she passes the baby to him.
She's light, lighter than he was expecting. Her eyes remained shut as he studied her face, she looked a lot like Rebecca, but she had his face shape. He reached out to touch the babies hand, the reflexes made her grab his finger. He gently stroked her hand, as the babies mother looked on.
He sat there with her until the door opened and the voices gave the intruders away. His husband and sister, both stopping in their tracks. Yet he was still in a trance, staring at his baby girl. Both Aaron and Vic smiled, until he decided that he needed to hand her back to her mother, promising the tiny baby that he will be back. That night, everything seemed to fall into place. Aaron accepted her into their family fold, and soon Fliss because a regular visitor to the mill.