Letter Merlin writes pretty soon after Arthur dies. Lots of angst. No slash.

Dear Arthur,

Are you really gone? Sometimes I wonder if that day at Camlann really happened. I turn around with a sarcastic comment that I know you'll laugh at, but you're not there. You're never there. But then I remember. I remember that you are gone, and you'll probably never come back. I remember I failed in my most basic job. The very reason I am alive was to keep you safe. And now that you're gone, I remember all the time I spent saving your sorry ass from thieves, assassinations, evil sorcerers, plots to take over the kingdom and wonder if I could have saved myself all this heartache and just let that dagger strike you in the heart all those years ago when I didn't know what kind of man you were. Then I remember that it wouldn't have made a difference because I'm not that kind of person. I knew what a prat you were, and I still saved you. Because you deserve it. And I would do it a hundred times over, even knowing what I would be going through when you were gone. Because even then I think I saw the man I knew you could be, hidden underneath all the arrogance.

I saw the real you under your uncaring mask. I saw how you would treat your people, with respect and dignity.

I saw how you would treat those under you, with patience and even friendship.

I saw how you would treat your knights, with jokes and laughter and playful shoves.

I saw what you would expect from visiting dignitaries and not stand them insulting your manservant because damn it that was your job.

I saw how you would treat your undeserving little serving boy who had too much sass and not enough humility, who was too loyal to his king.

I saw how you would trade insults with the skinny boy from Ealdor who wondered at how he could get away with addressing his king as "prat."

I saw how you would treat your queen, who was just a servant, but you saw more for her. You looked past her status and saw the beautiful woman she was.

I like to believe that I saw all these things in a split second, when I chose to save your life that fateful day so long ago.

But I didn't.

I didn't see or know anything about you, other than the fact that you were about to die, and I could do something about it. And even though I now know the negative things too, like how you imprisoned magic users for simply existing, or how you were horribly judgmental about everything magic represents, I would save you from that knife every single time because I knew you would be worth all the heartache and pain. I knew you were a good man and you didn't deserve this death. And I knew that because I could do something about it, I did. I didn't give one thought to myself if I had been found out for using magic. Even though I didn't know it then, I somehow sensed that we would be inexplicably bound, by choice or not.

Ever since that day, I've stayed by your side, going into battles and patrols with nothing but the clothes on my back. I'm surprised you never thought it was weird that I never brought a weapon to anything, but managed to stay alive. I knew I had to protect you from whatever came our way. I think some would call it "unwavering loyalty" but I liked to call it "protecting the clotpole from his own sword." But, look where that "unwavering loyalty" got me. You're dead, and I'm alive. I don't know if that makes me any less loyal, or just a terrible protector. But, I always knew you would die at a very inopportune moment. Because you couldn't make my life easy could you? You were always adding more and more chores to my endless list of things I simply had to do that day. Go clean this Merlin, go fetch this Merlin, go do this Merlin. Oh, come here Merlin while I use you for target practice. I'd say that's some pretty intense loyalty. But maybe I'm being "a girl's petticoat."

And I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that I got the short end of the stick, and now have to wait around for your return for who knows how long. I'll have to roam this earth alone, without you by my side. I don't know if I know, or want to know, how to do that. I will face the future alone, while you're probably sipping wine from an expensive goblet in the underworld laughing at my attempts at living without you. Actually, I don't want to think about what you're doing down there, because it makes it so much more real. I still can't really believe that you're gone. I forget sometimes.

But then I remember that it should have been me who died for you so you could return back to Camelot.

I remember what could have happened if I had only acted sooner, done more, or been better at something. But I'm only a peasant from an obscure village who shouldn't have even had the pleasure of meeting you.

I remember that I should have had some skill to protect you from the dangers of being king. But, throughout all my clumsy attempts at saving you, you kept me around. You still insisted it was me who woke you every morning, and joined you on hunting trips, even though I scared all the animals away with my awkward clomping around. And somehow you saw the real me too, through the sarcastic, snarky comments and the gangly limbs that I still needed to grow into. I think you saw the "unwavering loyalty" and trust that comes only with knowing that person their entire lives. And even though I only knew you for a fraction of my life, I like to think I knew you enough to place my trust in you, and you in me. I like to think that we brought out the best in each other, whether purposeful or not.

The thing that hurts the most though, is that I wasn't able to protect you from the only thing that will never affect me. Time. I will always look the same as when you died. I will never age, never look older with wrinkles and laugh lines. I don't know if that's a bad thing or a good thing.

I know that if you come back and read this, you'll tease me for being so sentimental, but these are really just for me. I don't want these memories to fade with time, and these letters are a way for me to remember the brave Knights of the Round Table and their noble, fierce king.

Your friend,

Merlin

There will be a part two posted soon.

Let me know what you think!