It's Just a Condition
Suggested Theme:
Main Theme- Distant Sky by Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds feat. Else Torp
Kylo Ren is tired and, for once, too tired to be angry at his latest failure. I spent three days of my pfassking time on Ewok Hell for nothing! The only good thing about this trip was that I didn't have to spend another damn second in Hux's cold presence! And I got to murder some Ewoks. He Force-pushes some patrolling Stormtroopers into a nearby wall for not moving out of his way fast enough.
And for gazing at the durasteel box containing Darth Vader's charred helmet.
Those Force-nulls do not even deserve to be on the same ship as grandfather! Kylo hisses inwardly and heads for the elevator; he's too tired to use the stairs today. Or is it tonight on this ship? The halls seem deader than usual, barring the Stormtrooper patrols, and that only happens when it's graveyard shift!
He only has to wait for five seconds before the elevator doors swing open and steps inside. He presses his floor number button and hopes to the Force that this elevator won't be stopped by the other selfish members of the Finalizer. Unfortunately at floor fifty, the elevator begins to slow down to a complete halt.
If it's Mitaka, I'm going to toss him into Chantique Ren's sex dungeon! But, alas, it is the last person he wants to see.
General Armitage Hux.
Oh, Force, kill me! Kylo practically begs to the Dark Side as the General gets into the elevator. Hux's ice-blue eyes briefly look his way, widen, and then stare at the closed elevator doors like he's trying his damnedest to forget that Kylo Ren exists.
I don't know if I should be grateful or call him out for not following his precious military protocol! But he's still an asshole….a really, really pale asshole. Stars, did he get whiter the last time I saw him? The bags under his eyes are practically black! Kylo is very grateful for his mask mostly hiding the movements of his appraising eyes. If Hux actually looked at him, he would catch Kylo checking him out.
Is he sick? His nose isn't red, so it's not a cold. And I can't sense anything wrong with him…because of his pfassking mental shields! Seriously, I actually might…not do anything for him and probably laugh at his misfortune before collapsing into bed. Kylo wishes the elevator would go faster.
SCREECH!
Kylo uses the Force to prevent himself from falling to floor from the elevator's violent lurch. Unfortunately for Hux, the Force-null gracelessly falls to floor and gasps out like the air was knocked out of his tiny lungs. Well, that's actually hila—Hux shakes and coughs up blood onto the durasteel-gray floor.
"H-h-h-ie-ack!" Kylo freezes as Hux chokes for nearly five seconds on his own cough as he struggles to get on his knees before expelling more blood on the floor. He's dying. Hux is dying! Kylo checks with the Force to make sure that this is reality and not one of his fucked-up fever nightmares again.
"Ah-h-h-h-ie!" Tears roll down Hux's pained face and hit the small blood pool staining the gray floor. Hux finally stops hacking and shaking like he's finally able to breathe again.
"General, you need to go to medbay right now!" Kylo's vocoder hides the obvious break in his voice. He is genuinely scared that Hux is dying. The General is coughing up blood and openly crying in pure pain. Hux sniffles and wipes his mouth with the sleeve of his greatcoat, but is still unable to wipe all the blood from his face. Even the greatcoat cannot hide Hux's fragility.
"I-It's just a condition." Kylo pauses and truly questions whether he heard the General correctly.
"General, you are coughing up blood and crying in agony! There is LITERALLY a pool of blood on the pfassking floor!" Kylo's weariness is replaced by red, hot anger. The General cannot be acting tough now! He practically coughed up his shriveled heart with that last fit! He must have internal bleeding!
"Don't worry, I'll clean it up with my coat…it's due for a cleaning anyway." Hux even has the gall to flash a small, weak smirk with some blood dribbling down his trembling chin. Kylo restrains himself from Force-choking the General.
"Hux….take off your tunic." The General's eyes change from deathly ice to dying grass. His ashen cheeks flame rose-pink.
"I-I don't think, given the present—" Kylo's impatience burns whatever shred of respect he had for the General. He gently drops the box containing his grandfather's remain and pounces on Hux. He grabs the General's arms and is sickened by how boney they feel.
"L-Lord Ren, I-I don't think—" Shut up and hold still! Kylo practically projects into Hux's mind, but the General still tries to wrench his arms from Kylo's bruising grip. He then uses the Force to unbutton the hundreds of little buttons and snaps on the General's greatcoat. It's like forcibly shedding the skin of a Dragonsnake; Hux even growls-hisses like one.
"S-S-Stop it!" Hux knees him in the stomach, but Kylo nearly laughs at his paltry strength. Oh, Force, I guess the General is clearly built for speed rather than power…I mean he's as skinny as a professional runner. Is he dying from starvation? Then again, I would rather starve than eat anything from the mess…except the dark-chocolate-chip muffins; those are excellent! Kylo finally reaches for Hux's tunic and practically tears the latches off.
"Hmmm, I don't see any bruising that indicates internal bleeding." Kylo says clinically as his hands probe Hux's very flat and pale chest. Even with his leather gloves on, Kylo can feel Hux's organs beating in time with Hux's stressed heart. His fingertips stab a little too roughly into Hux's breast tissue.
"Ah!" Hux cries out. I didn't feel any lumps so—wait a minute, I am literally on top of a mostly shirtless and possibly dying Hux and practically groping his chest…in front of grandfather! Kylo turns his masked head to face the box containing his grandfather's charred helm, half expecting for Darth Vader to rise from the netherworld and strike him down with Force-lightning.
"Even Lord Vader thinks this is wrong!" Hux coughs out. Kylo freezes once more with his hands stilled upon Hux's harden nipples. Even. Lord. Vader. Thinks. This. Is. Wrong. Kylo processes Hux's words as slowly as Nabooian molasses.
"Lord Vader is here?" Kylo's vocoder barely registers his nervousness and shame. Hux turns his face away from Kylo and is looking directly at the box.
"Yes, he's over there. He's standing and looking down at us…c-can't you see him?" Hux's voice wavers at the end like he's the one who's supposed to be questioning his own sanity. Kylo turns his masked helm to the box, hoping beyond hope that perhaps he too can see grandfather. See the looming embodiment of the Dark Side.
He sees only a durasteel box.
General Armitage Hux has not slept well for the past two days. For once, Kylo Ren is not the chief cause of his near-insomnia. No, that dubious honor belongs to High Command; the board of Admiral Douchebags decided to schedule an impromptu meeting with him barely two days ago to learn about the progress of Starkiller Base.
It's been barely a standard month since he became a General, an overseer of the Starkiller Base project, and co-commander with Kylo Ren.
When he met Kylo Ren, he had high hopes that Kylo Ren would actually be a lot like Darth Vader. Treating the Stormtroopers and other low-ranked officers with respect. Not destroying every control panel he comes across. And, most importantly, using his rank and power to complete tasks assigned to him by Supreme Leader Snoke.
After their first week together, Hux found out that Kylo was only a third of the deceased Supreme Commander of the Imperial Navy and former Sith Lord.
He's less Darth Vader and more Darth Tantrum.
Nearly every day that Kylo had no mission from the Supreme Leader meant that the Finalizer became his hunting grounds. He would push Stormtroopers into the walls if they so happened to be in his way. He would destroy control panels and other costly equipment with his defective, red lightsaber. And, perhaps the worst offense of all, he actually Force-choked Lieutenant Mitaka.
Mitaka, the father of two girls with another one on the way. Mitaka, the one who has the patience and geniality of a well-seasoned diplomat but without any of the sliminess of a politician. Mitaka, the Cinnamon Roll that Zeltrons really, really love to eat. And how did the Force decided to reward such a sweet, sweet man?
By having Darth Tantrum nearly break his poor Lieutenant's neck.
Thank the stars that Hux was walking by when that happened, or else he would have found his Lieutenant in the morgue rather than sent him to the medbay.
Kylo Ren was, of course, not pleased by Hux's divine intervention and almost turned his wrath on his fellow co-commander. Hux was saved by invoking the Supreme Leader's name and reminding him of how disappointed Snoke would be if his most-trusted General were to die before Starkiller's completion.
Ever since then, Kylo Ren has continued to focus his rage upon Stormtroopers and pricey equipment, making Hux be the one to deal with accounting and HR on a near constant basis.
And ever since then, Hux has given up on ever having a cordial relationship with his fellow co-commander. Or not having to take a pay-cut. Because Mitaka deserves all the credits he can get at this point.
For about three days, Kylo Ren was gone on some secret mission from, presumably, Snoke, while Hux had to hastily prepare and rehearse his report for High Command. And restrain himself from murdering all those old assholes.
So with barely two hours of sleep under his belt and with the patience of Lieutenant Mitaka, Hux endured his nearly-five-hours-long meeting with High Command. Thankfully via holoprojector because he would've certainly shot all of them in the mouth with his charric.
And the meeting turned out fine. Fine enough for Hux not to shout at the top of his lungs that they can go suck on Jabba's fat folds.
But, when the meeting finally concluded, he unfortunately felt great pain in his lungs and realized that his condition decided to flare up again. He practically sprinted out of the meeting room and to the elevator, hoping beyond hope that he can make it to his quarters and have his bloody coughing fit in private.
But the cruel, cruel universe ruled by the sadistic Force decided to screw him over once more. The moment he saw his co-commander's Revan-like helm, he knew he would've rather be jam-packed into an elevator with a bunch of Gungans than be trapped in an enclosed space with Kylo pfassking Ren for even a couple of minutes.
And, unfortunately for him, the Force decided to further punish him by presenting him the Force Ghost of Darth Vader. Hux actually did first see the blue-tinged ghost of Darth Vader when the elevator first opened; however, he figured that he must be hallucinating or that Kylo Ren was just projecting really, really loudly and vividly again.
Well, at least he's not fantasizing about burning me alive this time! Hux thought with equal measurements of positivity and sarcasm. But then, he remembered that Kylo Ren was carrying some kind of metal box with him and wondered if Darth Vader's ashes were in that box.
Since Darth Vader was a Sith Lord, there's a high possibility he attached his spirit to an object almost akin to a Sith holocron…but probably by accident given his eleventh hour redemption. Actually, if that's the case, then Darth Vader is more Sith Spirit than Force Ghost if my readings of the Book of Sith are anything to go by. But I'm just probably hallucinating again from my lack of sleep and tea! Yeah, that's right! Hux thought and quickly glanced over to Kylo to confirm his misplaced belief.
He's not there—Hux believed for a split second, but his mind confirmed what his eyes were seeing. Darth Vader, the two meter black terror of the Rebellion, was right next to Kylo Ren. Darth Vader looked exactly like a life-sized, damaged holo, a blue glow about him and surprisingly silent. Hux snapped his eyes forward and focused on keeping his mental shields up.
Okay, that really was Darth Vader. And I'm not that crazy. And Kylo still hasn't said anything; I guess Kylo doesn't think a Force-null like me can see ghosts or something. Because if he knew, I bet he would nag me to death to worship—and then the elevator decided to jolt violently to a halt, causing him to fall gracelessly to the cruel, metal floor.
Oh, Love, no please! Hux pleaded inwardly to his God for mercy while nearly choking on his own blood-inducing coughs. His pain was heightened tenfold by his humiliation of having a captive audience.
He's crying while choking; his vision is stained with mirror tears, while his face is stained with his blood. And the humiliation in every hack, in every tear, and in every wheeze is enough to make Hux wish that Kylo Ren can set him on fire. Oh, stars, even Darth Vader is watching me like some kind of Grim Reaper!
When he finally regained his body back from his condition, he predicted two things could happen. The first being that Kylo Ren would let out a demonic laugh and demand that he resumed choking on his own blood while calling him derogatory names. The second being that Kylo Ren would simply not react and just demand him to fix the elevator because he has Sith-things to do. Hux put all of his credits on the former, but he would've lost either way.
"General, you need to go to medbay right now!" Hux almost believed he actually died because Kylo Ren actually sounded…concerned for him. Don't get your hopes up, Kylo is clearly concerned that Snoke would be disappointed in him if I were to die…under his watch. The best thing to do is assuage his concern by telling him the truth: it's just a condition.
"General, you are coughing up blood and crying in agony! There is LITERALLY a pool of blood on the pfassking floor!" And Hux completely forgot how rationality doesn't work for Kylo Ren. Great, I made him angry! Okay, maybe I can calm him down by…passing it off as a joke? Blood must be funny to him!
"Hux….take off your tunic." Hux paled and hoped that he misheard the Master of the Knights of Ren. Kylo Ren wouldn't just "examine" me in front of his idol, would he? I mean I imagine he'd murder for Vader but not literally strip his fellow co-commander in front of the Dark Lord of the Sith. Yeah, I'll just remind him of the present company and he won't do it!
And, somehow, Hux forgot that Kylo Ren was the shittiest listener in the entire galaxy. Kylo Ren pounced on him and started tearing off his jacket and his tunic with his huge, leather hands and his untouchable Force. Please, please, let the elevators be on some kind of maintenance check so that the security feed is not working. I really don't want security thinking that Kylo Ren is…being sexually perverse with me.
Although, Hux was certain that his cries and growls of protest were not helping that tarnished image.
"Hmmm, I don't see any bruising that indicates internal bleeding." Hux felt his body fire off mixed signals of pain and pleasure at Kylo Ren's shameless perusing. Fuck not my nipples! Wait, technically he's poking at the breast tissue beneath my nipples…either way, this is very confusing and wrong! And all of this is happening in front of Darth pfassking Vader!
"This is wrong." Hux heard Darth Vader's booming, ominous comment. Of course he can talk, and even he, the one who slaughtered a bunch of younglings and Force knows how many other innocents, thinks this wrong! And Hux told Kylo Ren that.
"Lord Vader is here?" Hux blinked at Kylo Ren's shame. He can feel guilt…as long as Darth Vader is used. I'm going to save that tidbit for an emergency. But, more importantly, is Kylo Ren really not seeing Darth Vader? He's obviously a powerful Force-user, if the nearly meteorite-sized holes in the walls are anything to by, so how can someone with that much power be unable to see an equally-powerful Sith Spirit? And Hux condensed most of his thoughts into basically a sentence and half a question.
"Yes, he's over there. He's standing and looking down at us…c-can't you see him?"
The elevator resumes its ascent.
Kylo Ren is still atop of Armitage Hux.
Armitage Hux is still under Kylo Ren.
And Darth Vader still feels as uncomfortable as ever.
"Could you, please, get off me?" Hux nearly mumbles under his breath; his cheeks still pink with mortification. And, quite fortunately, Kylo Ren listens and gets off him. And doesn't offer to help him up.
"He's very ashamed right now." Hux hears Darth Vader's borderline apology for Kylo Ren's behavior. Hux almost wonders if Darth Vader is going to offer a hand to help him up, but his mind reminded him that Force Ghosts are incorporeal like shadows. So, Hux gets up, his legs shaking a bit, and stands straight.
"Have you always been able to see Force Ghosts?" Kylo Ren asks softly, making Hux almost gape at him like he took his mask off. Should I give him my life's spiel or be simple? Better be simple. Hux decides.
"Yes." Hux answers with returning softness. Force, he sounds like…Ben Solo. Like he's prepared to be ridiculed by someone bigger than him or, worse, rejected. Grandfather, what should I do? Kylo asks for his grandfather's guidance and not for the first time, but this time he actually expects an answer.
"Be gentle, Kylo Ren." Hux hears Darth Vader's urging. I…better pass on the message and hope Kylo Ren believes me. Hux has to take a deep breath to steady his voice.
"Lord Vader advises you to be gentle. I….I'm not lying." And the way Hux utters the last part painfully reminds Kylo Ren of Ben Solo again. Ben Solo, barely five, tried to tell his father about the scary monster that would talk to him at night, but his father didn't believe him. And, eventually, Ben Solo gave up telling him anything all together. And Hux looks so prepared for me to accuse him. To call him a liar…oh, pfassk, I just need to be gentle like grandfather says. Kylo Ren has not been gentle in a long time and prays that he can luck out this time.
"I believe you. I….I'm not going to hurt you." Hux's eyes widen at the last part. Well, in any other situation, I would say that's poodoo, but this is Kylo Ren. I didn't think I'd ever hear him utter such a sentiment. Or even know the words for it…what should I say? Hux's eyes dart to Darth Vader, pleading for advice too.
"Share your feelings with him." Hux sincerely thinks about disregarding that piece of advice because there's no way he can save face if he does that. But then again, I'm acting like a terrified Ewok in front of him. I bet even a Ewok is less awkward than me. Hux takes another deep breath and prays to Love that Kylo Ren doesn't laugh at him.
"I…..I feel really…gauche right now. But…I appreciate your gentleness." Hux is blushing even harder than before; his face is as pink as rosette lace. Woah, his eyes turn green! But his eyes are blue; they're so blue that there is no way green can exist in those eyes! I…well, this really shouldn't be surprising given everything else. Should I just—
Beep.
"Oh…that's my floor. So…I need to go." But Hux doesn't run away like Kylo thought he would. No, Hux is waiting for Kylo to say something.
"May I go with you?" Kylo requests. In his mind's eye, Hux sees a black knight kneeling in the snow before the lithe figure of a shadow demon. The shadow demon's skin, hair, and even his eyes are black like shadows; the shadow demon has his hands held out before the knight like he's in turn offering himself to the knight.
SCREECH!
Hux is ripped from his mind and sees that Kylo Ren has kept the elevator doors open for him. With the power of the Force. Hux can see himself reading a damage report by some technician about the mangled remains of the elevator doors. But in the morning. Right now, he needs to answer Kylo Ren before the knight decides to wreak further havoc upon the expensive elevator.
"Okay." Hux breathes out without a shred of annoyance or fear. He steps out first, so Kylo can release his Force-hold upon the remains of the doors.
"He is very skilled at healing." Hux restrains himself from snorting at Darth Vader's claim. But then he figures, since the knight never seems to go to medbay, Kylo Ren must be well-versed in healing himself. Most likely, with the Force. I don't need to be healed; it's just a condition! Hux huffs inwardly acting very much like an ill-tempered child before Darth Vader and Darth Tantrum.
Kylo Ren reaches down to grab his box and quickly steps out of the elevator; the elevator is unfortunately unable to go to any other floors. At least, not until maintenance fixes it.
But that's for the morning.
Right now, Kylo Ren and General Hux are walking to the General's private quarters.
With the ghost of Darth Vader between them.
Author's Comments- You know this was supposed to be under 1,500 words and be much funnier. It was supposed to end with Kylo Ren forcibly bridal-carrying Hux to his room where he can take care of Hux while pestering him to mediate between him and his grandfather. It was supposed to be, at best, have two or three more stories after this one.
But like always, it seems my mind has something else planned. I mean I think it's still humorous, but then it kind of gets….emotional for the two. I am certain that Kylo Ren in the canon is nowhere near as socially competent as Hux in the canon, but I always wondered what if Hux was also socially awkward but has learned to hide that far better than Kylo Ren. And what if Darth Vader was there to help out these two social messes out?
So, I finally get to write Darth Vader helping out his grandson and his ginger general. And, he also ships them pretty hard.