Introductions...Introductions...Let's do this Naruto style shall we?
Hello, my name is Coraline Kevin Jiang. My hobbies are reading fanfiction and drawing random crap. My likes are day-dreaming about yaoi smut and my dislikes are internet trolls and children. I use either female or male pronouns depending on what I feel like and sometimes I don't feel as if I have a gender (is that what people call genderfluid?)
Also, I am very much an anime lover. A total weaboo, I fangirl all over hot fictional characters, and I am no way proud of where my life is going. My dream was to become a doctor or something. Of course that'll never happen
Since I fucking died.
Yes, I died and no, I am not a total Mary sue as to say "I don't have PTSD and I don't have nightmares about my death!" No, nothing like that. I'd like to think maybe it's because of shock of the fact I'm dead-or that i'm just bottling my feelings up for later-that I'm not already screaming my brain dead head off yet.
One of the questions in your head is probably "Hoe how this happen? How you die?" and that is perfectly fine, my response to that is:
"I don't fucking know, bitch."
Yes, you read (heard?) that right. God or some other sentient asshole probably erased my memories of my death or something because I only remember falling asleep at 4am the last day of school re-reading "Catch your breath" by Lang Noi, and then I woke up to see my dead body looking peacefully asleep. Considering how the main character died in that fanfiction, I'd like to hope my author didn't realize the similarities between our deaths.
How do I know i'm dead and not just dreaming all of this up? Well, last time I checked, people alive don't phase through their bedroom walls like a goddamned ghost. Apparently that's all I'm good for. None of that weird shit in bleach or Yu Yu Hakusho or what-the-flipping-flip-flop ever in anime.
And guess what, ohh look! In a typical fanfiction type of story, something dramatic happens right after the main character (me, probably) dies!
A flash of light to my left, a black portal appeared to my right, and as I look up at the sky preparing to shout 'why me' and hole just goes and poofs up under me. I fall into the Rollercoaster of Rainbows.
My oh-so eloquently put train wreck of thoughts are
Fuck
Shit
Author why
You douche
Honestly the only possible reason I'm cussing out is because my jackass of an author probably didn't know where else to explain why I was (maybe? Probably? Most likely?) Breaking the fourth wall.
Well dear - probable - reader, for the last 3 and a half years I've been reading fanfiction, and there was this particularly interesting point brought up in a story - that I can't remember the name of (it was My heavenly Judgement by Colbub) - that Everything that ever happens, is written in a book, in an other dimension.
And I Freaked the fuck out.
I started doing all this research on wtf dimensions were and shit (translation: I Googled 'what is a dimension' and a version of a definition popped up with a picture of goku from DBS, bet your ass I clicked on it) and I thought 'who says there are only 12 dimensions? There's theory on time travel and the butterfly effect. There could be a different dimension for Every fucking step I take, to the bathroom.
All the possibilities.
There could be a dimension that branched out where I ate fish instead of chicken. And then Another dimension from that where I choked on the fish, or another dimension that branched out from my dimension and choked on the chicken, and another fucking dimension that branched out from those-
Ya, Point is, there are many possibilities that my dying and/or my entire fucking existence could have come from a bored author that had time to write while taking a shit.
And said author probably wasted a page just to get my monologue out while I was falling down a hole and getting slapped by my hair from the wind force.
Yeah
Ok
...
Alright when the fuck am I going to la-
Omph-
Ok Oww.
What the Shit.
'Thanks you asshole.' came up in my head. Then comforters and pillows and blankets and 'asdfghjkl holy fuck' I was on literal cloud nine. It way more comfortable than any bed I'd've been on. I thought I felt something staring at me so I popped a lazy eye open and made a loud harpy screech. In front of me, was the (A? are there multiple?) fucking Grim reaper.
Billowy black robes of souls, scythe in hand and nothing but a skeletal structure inside from what I can see. The thing was terrifying and I was grateful I didn't piss my pants right then and there. (Then again can ghosts-is that what I am?-even pee? I don't have a physical body after all)
And then it clicked.
My mind did a little melt down when I realized I could never see anyone of my friends again. Mom would probably blame herself and I honestly don't know what dad would do. Hopefully my brother and sister would be fine-they probably would. I never really made an effort to be close them anyway. Cameron would definitely freak, and I guess Squi-chan will be alone now...A cough was heard and I was startled out of my thoughts.
"Your religion?" Its (their?) voice is kind of layered, like Hichigo from bleach, but with a scratchy vibrato to it. I'm suddenly angry, my emotions are out of whack from my apprent death, so I scream at it. ('It' it shall be) "Hey asshole! Why the fuck do you need to know? Where the hell am I?" And God do I sound like an idiot, and I feel like a jackass too, getting mad for no reason. 'Obviously you're in the underworld dumbass' even my thoughts are against me.
None the less it answered, seemingly used to the outraged dead. "So I can properly sort you to your religious belief system. If you are Buddhist then you are reincarnated, on the other hand if you are a type of Christian my friend Jesus will be the one to determine if you go to heaven or hell, and so on and so forth for other religious traditions/belief systems. So, I ask you again Caroline Jiang, what is your religion."
Oh, well at least it answered my question. I waited a moment, thinking my options over.
I didn't know much about the Christian religion, or any other religions for that matter. I've only heard of Hinduism(is there even a 'ism' at the end?) And...do the Jews have their own religion? (Jewish?) I only know about the one Japanese war god "Bishamon" (was that how you spelt it?) Because of 'Noragami' the anime.
My mom and dad who raised me were Buddhist and were very religious, but the only thing I knew about it was that Buddha was a peaceful deity that didn't like war, and believed in reincarnation. Even then my parents kept a few figures of other gods I didn't have a clue what they did or what they stood for. I wasn't even sure Buddha was the peaceful god, was It Ghandi that starved himself to get enlightenment? I didn't fucking know. (Nah, it was Buddha...I think)
Welp the choice was clear, but I had a couple (dozen) of questions to ask.
"Is Jashinism an actual thing? If I am reborn do I have the option to keep my memories? Will I get to choose where I'd be reborn to? Will I get to choose exactly when and where I'd be reborn to? When I die again would I have the option to be reborn again? Could I choose when to die and when to be reborn again? Could I choose to be reborn into an anime or others like TV shows and movies?
Imagine I be reborn into bleach, could be born as kurosaki ichigo? Could I change things, such as prevent his mother's death? Would I be able to ask for power ups and boosts to help me change things?
Would I be able to tell people I'd died and been reborn again? And finally, would I be able to ask you a favor at any given moment after I be reborn again, or at least contact you if I have more questions, like say, texting perhaps?"
I was rambling, I was taking up its time, it had a poker face so I don't know if I was annoying it or not. I was probably asking too many questions. and if it was feeling generous I don't think it caught all the questions to answer them. Oh god was I going to hell for annoying it? Was I keeping it from its job? Of fuckfuckfuck-
It handed me a piece of paper.
...
...
I looked down to see messy handwriting and all of my questions started appearing along with an audio read out.
1. Yes, if you desire, there is a pamphlet for every religious belief so far, and you are allowed to take as many as you want into your next life.
2. Yes.
3. It appears to be a yes in the rule book.
4...
That wasn't good,it stopped talking and the words stopped popping up. What the fuck happened. I looked up from the paper to see, 'it', reading from a floating stack of papers. Then the voice from the paper started again.
4. Yes, as many times as you want.
5. Certain things are prohibited, such as being reborn into an infant you of another time line identical to yours.
6. Yes, but the rules from question 5 still apply.
7. Yes, but you are not allowed to, say, 'cop out' of your role at any time after your birth until your death, again.
8. Yes, it is stated that you may be as you please unless your create a duplicate timeline, no tkwo dimensions are allowed to be replicas.
9. You may not be, what you humans call "overpowered" such as destroying mountains over a mere glance, but yes.
10. The number one rule about the otherworld, don't talk about the underworld to souls not already aware of the underworld. (Don't talk about what comes after death to people who haven't died yet.)
And at my eleventh question Grim reaper Launched itself at me, shaking my entire body and saying "You are always allowed to take any god away from work. Oh my death it is absolutely Boring here-(blah blah blah etc.)
I smiled, and nothing good happens whenever I smiled (only for the readers, cliche just for you guys)
"Alright" I said, "You can stop shaking me now." And to be honest I was a bit weirded out that I was scared shitless but the same "It" a few moments ago when now "it" just seems kinda normal. "I'm Buddhist," I finally answered their question. "and I would like to be born into a dimension exactly like the Canon naruto (shippuden etc.) But don't worry about duplicate timelines,"
I was smirking. I was going to fuck up canon so bad Discoabc was going to be so proud.
"Please send me to be born into a healthy male baby, the same age as Orochimaru the Sannin - also, please make it so I have a good quality laptop, Phone, earbuds and headphones, and a IPad that connects to the Internet from my dimension. And could you get rid of the occasional Dysphoria I feel? It is truly awful. Thank you."
"Oh,and just call me they, I don't really have a gender, my name's Zen." 'coolio' I thought. 'kinda like Prince Zen from Akagami no Shirayuki-hime'
"Oh gosh, I'm so sorry I didn't ask about that." My face was flaming, mortified by my udder rudeness to Zen.
"No, no it's alright," Zen started. "first thing's first, sign here," a contract (dude what the fuck) popped out of thin air "here, and here." I thought since I died I wouldn't have to deal with rules anymore, but none the less I complied. (Even if with a bit of half-hearted grumbling)
Blah blah blah health blah blah blah secrecy of the underworld to live beings blah blah blah under no circumstances is there to be two identical dimensions, sub-universes, timelines, and/or souls of agreement. Blah blah blah burned alive where you stand blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda
I signed at the correct spots, and then fucking chains came out of nowhere and grabbed onto me. 'Okay, just stay calm you read this in the compulsonary of the agreement.' oh heeyyy! There was my rational thinking! I knew I had it somewhere!
"Do you, Jiang, accept the responsibilities of a soon to be reincarnated soul, and understand that if you violate the contract your soul is to be destroyed."
Ohh~ spooky voice, cool. Welp, this was my last chance to back out, but did I raelly need to think it over?...Nahh. "I do accept your world's terms and conditions." I made sure my voice was loud and confident. I felt giddy, and childish, I never make such important decisions while alive, I think I sorta liked being dead better!
"Very well then. Goodbye for now, Jiang."
Damn was that cool. The Chains disappeared but I knew they were connected to my soul, ready to burn me if I did anything wrong. Honestly whoever made the chains had my respect, they looked pretty bad ass, they were comfortable, and from what I could tell, fully functional.
Zen voice snapped me out of my musing. "OKAY! Now, about your rebirth, was there anything else you wanted beside your memories, a male body, your dysphoria gone, and some electronics before you leave?" It was a serious question, but I couldn't help laugh at my (not so innocent) thoughts 'sure! A ten inch black dildo with a matching sex slave!'
What I said out loud was a bit more serious answer. "..Well, can you make me look as androgynous as possible? Kinda of like Deidara from the Akatsuki, or Haku from the Wave mission. And I'd like to be at least a little ice powers like Jack frost? " Admittedly, I was petty as hell, and a little obsessed with haku. I could ask for more powers in my later lives anyway, no need to be OP.
I think (?) Zen smiled, it was hard to tell with only bones in my line of vison. "Sure short stack!" 'he sounds like Lavi from DGM' "Alright, everything you need is going to be in a pocket dimension that only you (and me, obviously) have access to. Just open it when you need it okay? Bite your right ring finger (literally just bite it, you don't need to draw blood) and draw a triangle in the air, then poof! A vault only you can see and touch. My number is already going to be in your phone along with some of my friends, so don't be a pansy and call often okay? Bye now!" Zen waved, and I mirrored them. (All of this seemed strangely familiar, wasn't this a tumblr prompt I saw on Instagram or something?)
I stiffened, and screamed. My vision went to black and my body was on fire. 'What the fuck' was being repeated in my mind while I grasped for air.
Fuck you author
Why
It hurts
Fuck shit fuck
My eyeballs are going to be squeezed out of my head-
Wait, squeezed? Am I being born? The pain made sense now, along with the screaming I heard that definitely wasn't me. And when did everything go black?
owww
Fuuuuck
'okay' I told myself. 'relax and don't make this harder for the both of us.' and whoowee, did that make it more bearable. I slipped right out. 'magiiiic' heh heh. Wow, it was really cold now that I wasn't being pushed out of my new mother. I could feel gigantic hands and fluffy things ('towels' my mind supplied.) Covering me with gentle care.
"DEphile kikners wazitS"
…
…
What the fuck was that.
What.
That was not Japanese.
That was not English.
That was not Spanish, French, or Chinese-that was not relatively close to any fucking language I've heard of on Earth.
What the fuck was that.
Then my mind said 'remember, different world, different evolution of languages' Hello rational thoughts! I missed you. THat explained things. And while I was mulling over what they said, the nurse holding me must have carried me over to my new mother, cause I was suckling on something now. 'that is going to be very weird very quickly'
I fell asleep, my baby form tired by all the new experiences I was having, and a vague sense that I forgot something incredibly important.
.
.
'Being a baby is boring' was becoming a normal thing to think everyday.
My hormones were shitty, so I cried over the littlest things and got mad fairly quick.
I discovered baby's eyesight were actually pretty bad so I had to wait, like, maybe a month before I could see what my parents looked like. I woke up, cried, took a shit, and fell asleep again. I felt partly guilty towards my (now) parents for having to take care of me so I tried to stay as quiet as I could. That back fired though, with my new semi ice powers my body temperature was a constant 43 Fahrenheit (6.1 Celsius) 'Killer Frost 2.0! Haha!' Which drove the two crazy, thinking I had been dead every time I took a nap. Annoying for the first year of my life because when I tried to sleep they just jostl d me awake again, or that first time they took me to the hospital.
When I finally got my vision back I took a full look around me. Scanning my surroundings as much as I could. (No more glasses, haha!) My mother took my breath away, she was beautiful. Simple as that. Brown hair that cascaded softly on her pale skin,and silver shining eyes with an elegant oval face. She was also quiet, soft spoken. She was good mother. But dad on the other hand, not such a good father, though he tried his best. It was funny to see his tanned, strong calloused hands fumble with the baby formula. He was pretty crappy at trying to feed me whilst also holding me. (It wasn't that hard god dammit! Don't fucking drop me again!)
It was pure luck and chance I even got relatively close to a mirror and saw my new self. Man was I Ugly! Tuffs of hair were sticking out in odd weird angles, my skin was a bad shade of tan to compliment anything, and my eyes were kinda off at certain angles. My left eye was red and fucking bigger than my right purple one, they weren't even Symmetrical 'I disgrace you death the kid.' (that was normal apparently, the color thing. When I asked mom why I didn't have the same color as her or dad, she said it was a normal reaction on some people because of the way chakra affected the DNA in our blood. I was huge on science stuff in my past life and I guess it passed over because I was struggling not a to find Danzo-a guy I hated-and get on my knees to ask for research materials.) On anyone else I guess it would've looked hot but it looked so wrong on me. My nose was crookedly angular to add.
I loved my new parents, really I did, but I hated the way they interacted with each other. Mother would get just a bit stiff with her body language, and Father would get this Look in his eye. This wasn't a family, this was two adults who clearly loved their child, and had no feelings for the other. I couldn't tell whether I was an accident, or my newly appointed mom and dad were in an arranged marriage. They held no love for each other. But it was okay, they didn't fight or get into bad habits(drinking, drugs, suicide missions every day, etc.)-they tolerated each other, and they both loved me, so it was okay as selfish as it sounded.
.
.
When I first saw a book in my room, I was one (well,seven and a half months but who's counting?), and I cried and shouted and screamed, eventually mom and dad figured figured wanted to learn what what the magical square full of weird squiggly lines were.
But then Rational thought came back to haunt me. 'War, Sanin, death, field promotions, get to Orochimaru'
How the absolute fuck did I forget about the Shinobi Wars. There was a reason for me to choose this fucking particular time period. 'That's okay, everything is perfectly fine, I need to make a list of what to do first.'
And I did just that.
1. Learn to write in their gibberish language.
2. Ask mom and dad what village we live in and permission to train (and train anyway if they say no)
3. Find and befriend the sanin, particularly Orochimaru
4. If I live to this, and I haven't gotten to Danzo yet, prevent Obito Uchiha's death
Despite what people thought of Orochimaru, I wasn't scared of him, it was actually Danzo who was manipulating everyone behind the scenes. Even then, they both had a reason for doing the thungs they did. I'm not saying they're Not to blame for their actions, but they certainly had a reason for how they turned out the way they did. I knew this because the first time I got my new phone out, I just studied up on most of the main characters in Naruto.
Orochimaru, was picked on as a child for his strange looks and love for literature during a time of war, because who had time read when you could train to protect the village. Who was scorned and hated, and did experiments as a way to block out the whispers behind his back and glares on his neck when it became to much to hold in his emotions. Because showing emotion only got him hit harder from his bullies and sharper words from his tormentors sneering how his weak crying and sniveling would only get him killed one day. Who never had the family to tell him about "right" or "wrong" or why "killing" and "torturing" his live test subjects wasn't something someone should do even though it could help them win the war, and that "they were going to die anyway weren't they?" Who was never told "You matter" or "I believe in you."
It was horrifying really, what he had to deal with. I, a civilian for most of my life, sheltered by strict parents, had nothing to compare with what he dealt with his entire life. It was going to be hard to get used to it, and I hoped I would never find shinobi life fun. I hope I would never have to turn into what Kakashi turned into, or Sasuke or even Sai. He was probably the worst of the bunch.
.
.
I'm three now, and life is good. I learned how to write, I am great in almost all forms of martial arts in my old world, even adding in my ice abilities, (chakra, a blessing) and I found out the names of my parents. My mother, her name before the marriage was Onizuka Haruka. My dad's name, was Nanase Kaoru. (Huzzah huzzah civillian born parents!. I wasn't born in a clan, no stiffy traditions for me!)
Imagine that, I had Nanase Haruka as my parents. You could imagine my crying laughing face when I found out. That was the one time I'd said 'love you too author bitch' and honestly, I felt like I had Ranma from Ranma ½ as my parents. They both had bits and pieces of their personality mixed in that just felt like they were the main characters of an anime.
On my birthday party though, (oh god why) they asked me if I wanted a sibling, (so much regret) I said yes. When I woke up to go pee I saw them on the couch and screamed. (They said they were making my little sibling oh god) they mistakenly thought I was terrified that dad was killing my mom, so they stopped and put me to bed. 'fuck you author' was being droned all through the night and I couldn't go team sleep. I heard them continuing until six in the morning 'fuckohgodI'mgoingtobescarredforlifefuckauthorwhy'
Six months later when I finally blocked the incident in my mind and found brain bleach, they announced mom was going to have twins. I cried all night. And then I over heard dad laughing with his friends about 'The Incident.' I'd never in my two lives felt more mortified then I was then.
On another note, my list was almost completed! Surprisingly, five months into my training Orochimaru was the one who approached me. Something which I was eternally grateful for, because I had no idea how to contact him, or any of the sanin for that matter. His voice startled me while in the middle of a punch. I didn't notice him in the clearing I used for training.
"I'm sorry ma'am, but do you think you could help me with my form? I can never get it right with only books." I looked over at him, and fell. 'Author bitch why you make me so sucky, why.'
He was cute, and young, he was adorable. Sweet, sweet Orochimaru was nothing like the ruthless traitor he would become. I stood up up, smiled, and said "Dude, Imma guy." While walking towards me he tripped and fell, and struggled not to squeal like a pig. I chuckled in a childish manner and continued.
"But sure, just show me what you're trying to do." internally I thought to myself 'thank you internet research and practice' (by then my skills were okay in most of the martial arts in the my old world. Chakra was a miracle, and facinating.)
We became close friends over the course of months. I warded off the glares whenever we went to his house, and trained with hime, whilst he taught me things I would never be able to find in any book from the Konohagakure public library. Both mom and dad from this world loved him the instant I met him. I discovered that day that gay relationships were far more common than from when I previously was living on past life Earth, and that my parents thought we looked good together, they gave me an idea.
In smerchjehakwz (their version of October, don't even ask how I could pronounce the words either) we celebrated his birthday alone, just the two of us. I got him snake earrings and the snake summon contract (which I literally tripped on in the woods, just my luck) and he looked like he was about to cry. Turns out he never got any presents for his birthday, even at the orphanage. I'm starting to like Konoha less and less the more I read and hear about it.
.
.
I'm four, and I'm going to be dead within the next four years. I didn't know shit about the Naruto timeline.
I looked up the timeline on my all might super mega cool future computer of awesomeness, and Kishimoto is basically a twelve year old girl who can draw bad fanfiction to life. The manga shows sporadic aging and I knew there was a reason I quit the anime. Kishimoto was just creating continuity error after continuing error when he did Shippuden and drowned the world with filler episodes (although the ep where they revealed Kakashi's face was gold) The only thing I could get on this time was that the Sannin team was created when they were four.
I'm four, and I screwed the world way to early by doing nothing.
I'm four, and so fucked. But you know what? Duck it.
I'll ducking wing it.