Here's a...thing... based on this idea i got into my head, from a Lonely Island song. Yeah, it's probably that bad.
Features:
Inner monologues!
Kyon, the amazing human chair!
Rapping Nagato!
As part of an attempt to raise awareness of the SOS Brigade, Haruhi commandeered a booth at the North High Cultural Festival from the Computer Club, preventing them from advertising their new game, The Day of Sagittarius 4. What did the young goddess plan to use the booth for? To interview the brigade's members in front of an audience to attract them to the people in the Brigade.
"S-S-Suzumiya-san! Do I have to wear this in front of so many people?"
"Of course, Mikuru! This cat maid outfit will draw people to our booth like fangirls to free yaoi!"
"B-But, I don't want to be free yaoi.."
"No buts! Now take off your clothes and change! Unless you want me to do it for you~"
"Oi, Haruhi. Remind me how you managed to think of something as stupid as interviewing each other at a cultural festival? What kind of idiotic idea have you gotten from fanfiction this time?" Kyon objected to Haruhi's plans like he got paid to do it. "Everyone already knows you as a crazy, depraved, bitch who can't keep your hands to yourself. Why do I get the feeling you just want to pimp Asahina-san out to make more money like last time.."
"Silence, slave! Don't question the wisdom of your great leader!" Damn, he's on to me. "We have to hold interviews to uh, show what our club does on a daily basis!" Yeah, that'll throw him off.
Kyon facepalmed. "Yep, you almost raping Mikuru is pretty much what happens every day here."
Itsuki walked into the club room where they were preparing their presentation, carrying a microphone. Haruhi had designated him the "Bishonen Interviewer", which meant that he would be interviewing everyone. He would first interview Nagato, then Mikuru, then Haruhi, then Kyon last.
"Ah, Suzumiya-san, there you are," Itsuki said, taking no notice that Kyon had run out of the room because Haruhi had gotten Mikuru's top off. Why didn't Haruhi care that Itsuki was in the room? 'Cause he's a huge fruit, everyone knows that. "I was wondering if someone was going to interview me after everyone else?"
"Nah, the author doesn't like you, Koizumi, you just get to sit there and look pretty. Yuki-chan! You're on first! Get to the booth soon!"
Nagato looked up from her chair where she was reading You Might Be a Zombie.
"…"
And with that, she walked out of the room.
Soon after, everything was set up. Ituski sat in a chair, facing Nagato, on a small stage built out of a few tables and computer cases, also taken from the Computer Club. Haruhi sat on Kyon off to the side, because there were no extra chairs, and she couldn't be bothered to go get more or sit on the ground.A small group of people were gathered around. Among them were Nagakawa, the Computer Club President, who cried his eyes out at his computers being used as cinder blocks, Tsuruya, Emiri Kimidori, and Kyon's sister, for some reason. Smooth jazz music played in the background. Itsuki, with his normal smiling face, began the interview.
"We're sitting here today with Humanoid Interface Nagato Yuki"
"….Hello.." The purple headed alien replied."
"So, Nagato-san, what's a day in the life of Nagato Yuki like?"
"Do you really wish to know?"
"Please, tell us"
Suddenly, the background music changed to a booming drum beat with scratch effects. Nagato, now wearing a black hoodie instead of her usual cardigan, jumped out of her chair and starting bouncing to the beat.
"I don't sleep motherfucker, off that yak and that durban, doing one twenty getting head while I'm swerving."
Suddenly, Kyon threw Haruhi off his back, and cheered "Damn Nagato, you a crazy chick."
"Yo shut the fuck up, and suck my dick! I bust in dudes like dudes' mouths like Gushers, motherfucker! Roll up on backups and smack the shit out of Asakura!"
The entire crowd, which was now about ten times larger, started cheering for the normally silent girl.
"WHAT YOU WANT, NAGATO?"
"TO DRINK AND FIGHT!"
"WHAT YOU NEED, NAGATO?"
"TO FUCK ALL NIGHT! Don't text me when I'm crazy off that airplane glue, put my foot down your throat till your shits in my shoe! Leave you screaming, pay for my dry cleaning. Fuck your man, it's my name that he's screaming!" Nagato then proceeded to walk over to Haruhi, who was frozen in shock, and punched her in the face.
Itsuki's face, which looked like he had just seen Goatse for the first time, couldn't believe what he was hearing. Nagato-san has Kyon screaming his name? That harlot! Kyon is mine! "I'm sorry Nagato-san, are we to believe you condone driving while intoxicated?" Yeah, that'll make her look bad to all the internet moms out there.
"I never said I was a role model," Nagato deadpanned.
"But, what about all the fanboys who look up to you? Do you have a message for them?"
The beat started back up. "All the fanboys looking up to me can suck my dick! It's Yuki motherfucker, drink till I'm sick!" Slit your throat and pour nitrous down the hole. Watch you laugh and cry, while I laugh you die! And all the dudes, you know I'm talking to you!"
"WE LOVE YOU NAGATO!" the crowd, which was now around one hundred times larger, bellowed.
"I WANNA FUCK YOU TOO!"
"N!"
"Is for Nagato!"
"N!"
"It's for iNvincible! I'll kill your fucking dog for fun, so don't push me. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA."
Itsuki, whose face now looked like he had seen 2 Girls 1 Cup for the first time, could barely speak.
"Well Nagato, I'm surprised, all this from a Humanoid Interface?"
"Well, there's a lot you may not know about me," Nagato replied.
"Really, such as?"
The beat started up again.
"When I was in standby, I smoked weed everyday, I cheated every test, and snorted all the yay. I got a death posse, you got a bunch of dudes. I sit right down on your face, and take a shit!"
Nagakawa rushed on stage, hoping to get closer to his one true love. He was also dressed like a Viking, for whatever reason.
"Nagato, you are a badass bitch, and I'll always pay for your dry cleaning, when my shit gets in your shoe. And as for the drug use, well I can vouch for that. My dick is scared of you."
Itsuki's face, which looked like he had seen the Blue Waffle for the first time, wanted to get this interview over as soon as possible.
"Alright, Nagato, one final question. If you could steal a kiss, from any guy in North High, who would it b-"
Itsuki's question was cut short as Nagato picked up her chair and smashed it over the esper's head.
"No more questions."
"Bitch."
Are you still here? Wow, I'm impressed. Anyways, leave your reviews and/or suicide notes so I can pay for my dogs' operation.