Okay. So, where to start with this... This was idea cooked up over a demented conversation I had with FrostedPurpleIrises91 Who's stories, by-the-way you should go check out on here because she's one of those awesome rare writers that actually puts some body and effort into what she writes. She pretty much cemented the pike of this little oneshot, so I owe it to her for this idea, including Co-Authoring and editing for making Blitzwing awesome (Something I can't do) and adding juicy humor bits. Also, check her stuff out if you're a Transformers fan or if you're a fan of any other genre she writes under! Do it, or I will send something unspeakably evil to your bedroom door. That's right, it's not just your front door, but your bedroom door. *Evil laugh*
On to the story. The source of the WEIRD-ASS title is actually derived from the TV Comedy Series Arrested Developement (Which personally, I loved to all mighty), and is the 13th Episode, and by far one of my favorites for the RETARDED fight at the end.
However, the story is comprised of ideas from cartoons like Tom and Jerry, and pure imaginative havoc. If anybody recalls the episode of Transformers Animated "Lost and Found", one would duelly note the fascination Blitzwing had with the Wrecking Crane he approached claiming "It's big, it's bold, it's sassy!" Here, the exact same crane is used and brought to life around the time the AllSpark shattered like a fine china plate on a tile floor. So, no more babbling! Onward to the story! Enjoy! Don't just provide feedback to me, but give it to her as well. :D
Beef Consommé
(Hospital Construction Yard, 11: 32)
The Construction site was dead, for the most part. All amongst the grounds lay still besides a stir of trash in the warm summer breeze that rush through Detroit City. In the shade of an unfinished hospital wing, all the while lonely and forlorn by the evening city lights nor the moon herself, the imposing size of a wrecking crane cast an even darker fore-light onto the bare ground that was littered with the leavings of workers. Its hull creaked subtly, capturing the attention of several rodents who'd occupied a Lays potato chip bag for the night. Screeching, they scattered at the quickly over-powering burst of light which shown forth from the control console within the machine's cabin. Unseen by any, the crystal, kept as a mention of affection by its finder and the crane's driver, seemingly melted into the console of its own free will, ultimately dissolving the string that'd kept it suspended from the rearview mirror during day hours. With the rodents gone, the machine was truly alone. Its ball and chain suddenly wriggled, as feeling discomfort at the weight.
"…. What am I?" A female voice muttered groggily and hollowly, retracting the devastating deconstruction tool from the ground and further into the trunk of the crane's arm. "How… What is this?" The machine's frame bent unnaturally as if to examine the extension of her being. The last thing the crane remembered was working on tearing down the old walls of the building she rested under in order to start anew. Now, with the ability of life within her, it frightened her to no end.
"Anybody there?" She called out, but received no answer. A gasp exited her cycling unit and almost unknowingly, her vehicular frame deconstructed. Her feminine yet thick boots hit the sticky Earth with a thunderous WHUMP! and incited another alarmed yelp from the flabbergasted and peculiar machine. She glanced down at her own feet as if they were going to eat her in some violent and unbearable way.
"What the Forklift am I? How'd I do that?" She wailed to herself in fright, losing her balance in her momentary fret and landing against the wall of the building, nearly putting herself through it. Her chest heaved, and innocent green/gold eyes pierced the darkness around her as if seeking forgiving attention and a safe place to withdraw. Instead, her wide gaze fell upon a distant box shape lit by the moon. Her pale brow plates fell, focusing on the object, and the dark rings of rubber that made up for eyelids wrinkled while she squinted. Stamped in white on the side with a few drip marks, read: "WARNING: ITEMS IN CRATE FRAGILE."
She then hummed sadly. "I do need to find something to call myself, I guess…" Her head tilted to the side. "Warning? … No. Sounds dangerous, I don't think I'm dangerous… Urh…. Item? I'm not a thing… Well, not really… Crate..? Crate. I like it. I mean, I'm kinda boxy right?" She then smiled subtly beneath her faceplate, which she reacted thereafter. "Well, now you have a name, Crate." She said to herself with childish confidence. She then examined herself and felt her frame sag in distaste at her rather obnoxious aft. "Geez. Talk about a wrecker…" She then waggled it, rolling her optics.
I finally get the gift of life, and the worst thing is what I get blessed with… To add another shock to her systems, the sound of a heavy whistling captured her ears, and quickly she raised her head to the sound, eyes widening at the sharp, foreboding shadow of an aerial vehicle descending right for her. For a split second she figured to move out of it's way, thinking it was going crash.
… Wait a minute… I THINK now? FFFF! Her mind screamed, biting the tip of her plump lower metal lip while she observed the plane slowing, its parts almost growling as it built another creature like her out of itself. Unsure of the color of her own, this one had red headlights and they were staring right at her. She pressed herself against the building in a useless attempt to conceal her large form, a nervous grin etched into her unwittingly loving features.
This thing did not look friendly.
No, those aren't headlights…. What… Those are… Are uhhh…. Eyes! Yeah, eyes! Her mind babbled.
(Three minutes earlier)
"Lord Megatron," Icy's calm voice crackled into the Decepticon overlord's audio receptor. Within the depths of the silent base, with only the subtle hum machinery around him and the faint glow of their panels and Prof. Sumdac's glass cage, his dark frame creaked quietly as he leaned back into his crudely shaped throne. His expression was that of surprise and sloth, as if he'd just been stirred from a nap. Rubbing at the faint trim of rust growing along his jaw, he growled under his breath before responding. How bothersome. Yet it was understandable with the moisture in the Decepticon's receded cave base.
"Have you found something?"
"An Allspark fragment has surfaced, my Lord. Vonehundred kilometers und closing. It vas rather sudden, and it appears to be moving." The retreated voice felt a grin etch upon his hardy features.
"Good, obtain it quickly and return. Remain wary however, Blitzwing. The Autobots may all be on the hunt for it already. For the fact it is moving might present the possibility they actually have it."
"Understood, my lord." The Silver Tyrant heard a soft click, signaling that his cortege had cut the line. He rubbed a stern brow, quietly expecting within himself that Blitzwing was surely going to somehow slag this simple retrieving mission up.
(Hospital Construction Grounds, 11:35 PM)
"Strange, I'm reading zhat zhe Allspark fragment is here, but…" The composed persona muttered to himself in gaze wandered over the grounds, the imposing-colored monocle whirring as it bobbed in and out, determined to fixate on the fragment's exact position. It was then that he spotted two soft, fragile green glowing dots peering up from the darkness of a once solid cement wall. The optics' owner remained hunched and out of discernable view against the building, clearly having spotted him before he did them.
"Mm?" He then went on the offensive, lowering the inky black barrels over his shoulders and leaping from the roof of the building.
"Who are jou? Come out before I blast jou!" Hothead demanded with a toothy snarl. He heard a whimper, watching the dark figure jitter at the boom of his voice and duck into the cover the gutted building. "Cowardly Autobot! Come out and fight like a Mech!" He taunted angrily, quick to pursue the sure-to-be-an Autobot. He halted before the entry of the broken down emergency vehicle garage, and Random's sharp red optics pierced the darkness. His grin was ragged as he stepped into the pitch, bristled as he was unable to determine his opponent's strength, possible numbers, but telling by the whimper from early, this foe wasn't one to be brave. And was obviously alone.
"Yoo-hoo~ Don't vorry, I'm not going to hurt jou!" He then cackled, his head on a swivel as his outburst echoed off the walls and cold filthy floor. A female voice pierced the darkness, clearly afraid.
"What the frag is up with your face?" She called timidly. "I don't even know what the Hell I am and you're trying to kill me? What's up with that? What's an Autobot- WHY COULDN'T I JUST STAY LIFELESS!" Her raised voice and uncertain rambling had lead the fighter craft right to her location, only for her to rush from her hiding place and aiming straight to barrel him over. His gaze defined only a flash of her appearance, and from he it could make out that she was quite 'beefy.'
He attempted to halt her charge with a burst of his lasers, yet the femme's much shorter form and surprising quickness had knocked her shoulder into his gut, sending him into a nearby pillar and right through what remained of it. However the attack didn't seem intentional as she ran blindingly into a wall a few yards away, bouncing off it with a squeal and a loud bang. She screamed through the strident ruckus of its collapse and puckered away from it, babbling shrilly like frightened organic teenager girl about him 'touching her and if he had a disease that was going to make her melt.'
He lay stunned for a moment, looking off to his right to see a blur of bright orange cast into the moonlight outside. "Vhat a cowardly femme!" He exclaimed, giggling and lifting himself out of the rubble.
"She seems lost… Vhat did she mean by 'stay lifeless'?" Icy observed with dusting himself off, recalling her profound and panicked sayings while trotting clumsily over the debris and into the construction yard where she slipped out to.
From the entry, Random tugged himself to the front, interested in this newfound hilarity that was playing a wonderful game of 'Keep Away' with him. He froze, seeing that she'd stopped in a cleared away portion of the yard, fumbling with dusting the area of her angular shoulder that'd come in contact with him. She was rattling away about something too quickly for him to decipher. He then cocked his head to the side, intrigued by the sight before him, seeing she was touching to the optics. She wasn't 'fat' like the big green bruiser the Autobots had, but she certainly had some bulk on her frame where it mattered. Really mattered. Almost on crude impulse, he whistled at her capturing and sassy instant the shrill sound reached her audio receptors, Crate's optics nearly sparked out. Wearing a look of disgust, she slowly straightened and turned her head to beam her optics up at him.
"Shake zhat chassis, mama!" He continued, making her frown more.
"Uh, no thank you, honker! And that's Crate to you!" She commented shrewdly, feeling a distinct boiling feeling in the pit of her newly reconfigured internals.
"Hoohoo! Jou're no fun!" He cackled. "Zhe name is Blitzving! Und I'll change zhat up right away!" He then raised a finger as if he'd struck an idea. Yet before he could honor his words of commitment, Hothead had overridden the lust-struck nut. With barrels on the offensive again, they hummed shrilly as he charged them.
"Hand over zhe AllSpark shard!" He demanded.
"What in blue blazes is an AllSpark!" She questioned with bafflement. Her shoulders sagged helplessly as she watched the austere face return, a hand cupping his thin chin.
"So, you are like Scrapper and Mixmaster…" He concluded. The two Constructicons had revealed that they'd been a crude start to life, much like her. Lost and unsure of what they were or how they were doing anything they could do. The imbeciles didn't even know what Cybertron was. As he thought about this revelation, he noticed that the AllSpark fragment's signal and vanished suddenly. Making it clear that it was now fully integrated with her very being. Megatron would have his shell for the loss unless he brought this femme as a new recruit for reimbursement.
"Yeah, yeah, whoever or whatever they are! I'm like them!" She said, almost anguished. Her dental plates gritted when the black face returned, a fire burning in his eyes the more he was delayed from his newfound interest.
"Dammit, please. Look, I just suddenly came to life and you're oogling me! I don't appreciate that at all!" She backed away hesitantly as he approached, making a grabby motion with his outstretched servos, a giggle escaping that sinister-looking mouth. Much too sudden for her liking, he bolted down the damp hill with a wail of hysterical laughter, causing her to scream and spin on her heel to flee for her life. She rounded a stationary cement mixer, narrowly missing his grasp as he slid to a halt somewhat past her, using it as a barrier between the two.
"C-can't we just talk about this?" Her limbs quaked as if they were to fall apart, she could almost feel her bolts rocking loose. However, he didn't answer through his gleeful trills, he was getting more of a kick out of this than anything. After a momentary game of Peek-A-Boo mixed with Tag around the mixer, she leapt over it gracelessly, kicking the machine over on him to which he burst forth unhindered and more determined than ever to get himself a piece of her.
"I love it vhen zhey run! Jou can run but jou can't hide! I vill vin!" Crate heard him was back up the hill and into the depths of the dark hospital building, where she broke through several glass doors that were in reserve for installment. She felt no guilt for destroying the material at the moment, continuing to dart between walls and decorative pillars to escape her new fan. Running insipid on ideas, she grabbed onto a pillar before entirely passing it, intent on making him dizzy. While she couldn't see the strange robot behind her, she could hear and feel his presence from his abhorrent chortling and the constant breeze of his digit-tips she felt as he swiped for her. Five, six, seven, eight, nine times around and she suddenly paused, realizing she was no longer being wailed on. Stiffly, she looked behind her to find that he was no longer there, yet remained on pins and needles of his whereabouts.
"Kck, kck." The clucking to her left made her feel as if she'd just ingested watered down oil. She swung her head up, seeing that he'd merely stepped off to the side with his hands tucked back behind him, waiting until she'd quite her admittedly idiotic plan of evasion. He could've died from the amusement he was in if he were organic. His shoulders were rattling as he guffawed.
How long has he been standing there? She thought frantically, ducking abruptly when his mouth rushed towards her, puckered, and instead he locking lips with the tall column of cement, creating a sick display of mad and misplaced love for it. One that she couldn't help but pause and cringe at, relieved that it wasn't her he was kissing so intensely. She felt no jealousy for that support beam.
I pity that beam. Oh well, better it than me!
He retreated, looking rather repulsed for a moment, his grin that'd faltered soon reclaimed its place on his façade. She darted off to his right, her knee skimming a small radio placed atop several concrete slabs. It rattled as it fell into several beverage cans, the impact turning the black contraption on. Its blaring sound startled her, however it had no effect on him.
The sound of trumpets resounded in the dark.
"I see you got low
And you got plenty more to show, go!
Shake it like a pom pom, like a pom pom!
Shake it like a pom pom, like a pom pom!
Go, like you tryna win a contest for sure,
(Oh, I'mma show you how to shake it, How the booty shake, Show you how to shake it, See the booty shake)
See the booty shake,
Like an earthquake,
There is no escape,
When I shake it in your face!
Now don't you wanna tape,
A booty shakin' on your tape?
So show it to your boys and
See the look on all they face…."
She could hear his laughter over the peppy song, make her head ring. If she escaped this lunatic alive, his laugh was forever going to stay in her head. Unbelievable! Things couldn't get anymore more conveniently appropriate.
"Oh I love zhis song!" Blitzwing snapped his digits in rhythm, ignoring the nagging of his other two helm mates and resuming a firm grasp of control on himself. They weren't going to rob him of his fun tonight, particularly when neither could deny that they wanted her the same way he did.
"Really?" Icy overrode the puckish persona. "Is zis all really necessary?"
"Oh, it is!" Random returned and twirled around to the melody and rhythm of the song. "Zat is one fine looking femme and I vant a piece of zat aft!"
"I have better zhings to do zhan chase silly, awkward femmes around!" Hothead grumbled. "Ve have to get zat AllSpark fragment from her too!"
"After I get to have some fun! I'm ze fun vone here! Jou'll zhank me later!"
His body wiggled and bounced its way down the hall, sure of himself that he'd wear her down soon enough what with her un-strategize attempts to escape. He ducked when a cinder block sailed out of the darkness and broke apart on the floor behind him.
"Naughty, naughty femme! Don't jou vant to dance?"
"Me no like dancing~! And stay away! Come on, please, leave me alone!" She said distantly. Cursing humorously at herself for speaking up he rounded a corner, out of the edge of his vision a shadow fled up a stack of steel hauling boxes and onto the holey second floor. Giving chase, he leapt onto the second floor, careful of several chunks of it that broke off with the impact of his weight. Luckily for him, and unfortunately for his lovely companion, the holes in the floor were only big enough for a strut to fall through. Giving him both a wonderfully easy challenge and minimizing her chances of escaping. She couldn't fly, while he could, to top it off.
"Now, vhere did jou go off to?" He scratched his helm, listening for her while his targeting systems pinged off of every shadow. A creak to his right caught his attention and he spun around with an lustful gleam in his optics, only to be caught off guard by the intense whip of the side of a wooden crate.
It walloped his face intensely, breaking upon impact with a sharp crack and knocking him off balance. "Doogh!"
As he sought to stabilize himself, he peered through the digits of the servo that cupped his face, watching her fall back into the darkness and rush away. Damn she was good! Beautiful, yet fiercely brutal, she'd make one fine Decepticon indeed! And he was loving every moment of this beating, it was making his systems hot, and not by the definition of him being 'worn down.' He could hear the deep resounding chuckle of Hothead within his mind. Mocking him for making a fool out of him and getting… What was it Humans said? 'Pwn'd?'
Jou deserved zat. Icy said within him sternly. She vill never come to us zat vay, with jou treating her so un-gentlebotly!
Oh! So now jou agree zhat jou vant her?
…Vell-
Hahahah! I zhought so!
Glancing around, his grin turned lopsided when he spotted that she'd taken shelter behind a curtain of bent ply bar.
I see jou~" He sang out, making her squeal when she found that she'd been caught. "Don't make me serenade jou! But zhen again, I vouldn't mind zat! I do have ze loveliest singing voice of any Decepticon!"
Much to her horror, he levitated towards her, the source of his flight hissing out from beneath his boots in a cloud of yellow and red heat. "No fair!" Crate shouted, leaping out onto the hallowed floor, a gutsy move considering the integrity of the floor.
"Sorry, jou lost!" he chortled. "Now zat I have von, I get to have my prize…"
"Not so fast, loser!"
Sure enough, as she tried to stand her leg fell through, causing her to scramble and grip the cement floor, scrambling her circuitry for a moment. Optics wider than ever, she glanced back at her impending doom-bringer, who seemed smarmy about the whole thing. Wiggling and babbling about herself not wanting to die, she managed to yank herself up from the floor just as Blitzwing encroached within inches of her. By some unknown force and a finally broken stave of anger, Crate's mid-section parted, and out appeared her crane arm, the weight in her middle much lighter once she removed the massive black ball.
"Woah!" Blitzwing said, mouth agape. He whistled again. "Now zat's vhat I call…"
"'No' means NO!" she roared.
With a mighty yell she swung her upper body, nailing his head with the wrecking ball and lethally firing him out the far wall. "Woah," She gasped, looking down as she retracted the ball into the mouth of the crane trunk. "Now that's what I'm talking about!"
She looked up when she heard the rockets beneath his boots roar, lifting him up into the opening. Her mouth dropped, letting out a shocked yell when a solid stream of superheated particles glazed through the wall above her head. Crate ducked down, whimpering at the debris that fell over her head.
No! She thought with the curl of her fists. I've had it with this chasing scrap! This fellow's gonna take no for an answer!
She stood, repeating the same swinging move as before, this time sending her only weapon at full extension in a wide circle. Effortlessly it broke through the cracked walls, yet when she turned to target her pestering foe, he was nowhere to be seen. And that sent a pit of iron in the ball of her reappeared from above, grabbing her crane cable with a menacing beam. Try as she might to keep herself rooted to the floor, he retreated from the building and smoothly tugged her out with him into the night air. He allowed the weight of the wrecking ball behind him to do the rest, practically train-tracking her right into his steel grasp. As she expected, the crazed black and red face tried to initiate the same tender gesture from before, one that she stopped with her cold hard palm. She groaned as she tried to force his head back, squirming violently in his grasp like a dry pig.
"Come on, it's not zat bad!" he said whilst his lips were puckered. "I don't bite…hard! Besides, any bites I have for jou are love bites, my dear!"
"Cut it out!" Crate bucked her legs in a fevered yet vain attempt to free herself. Sadly for her, he pinned her so close to his broad frame that she was rather helpless. "Don't make me..!"
"Vhat? Vhat are jou going to do?" His glossa licked at his carnivorous, jagged maw. While licking his lips, he got her hand. Crate recoiled at this but refused to remove her last line of defense.
"Kiss, kiss, sveetspark!"
"I…. Said…. NO!" She snarled through her clenched dental plates, her face burning with fury and embarrassment once she found that her efforts were vain and he was now openly fondling her aft. He giggled like an evil child, tilting his head so that her hand would slide past and over his shoulder.
"No? Jou don't vant to fly? Okay!" He said mischievously, nuzzling her perky nose and flustering her further before he released her into shrieked on her way down at the weight of her own weapon dragging her with it, impacting the ground with a tremendous thud, landing atop a pile of steel framing.
She felt as if she'd busted into a million pieces, but forced herself to roll over, a tired and distressed smile on her face. She clawed her way out of the pile, panting as her systems were overheated. The rumbling land of her teaser egged her crawl faster. From within the hospital, the radio continued to play.
"I feel so close to you right now,
Like a force field…"
You have no goddamn clue…. She thought darkly.
"Oh my God... Oh my God... Oh my God- Eeep!" She froze when his black boot fell into view, stomping inches before her digits. Curling them in the dirt, she squeaked, lifting her gaze reluctantly to meet the arrogant smirk in his optics. He had his hands on his hips defiantly, his grin edging further, which she thought wasn't possible. Her eyes went from utter terror, to an expression of sulking as he bent down to gather her up.
So much for that. All she could do was grin and bear with whatever idiocies he'd cook up.
(6 months, 17 days, 4 hours and 31 minutes later, San-Aerders Hotel rooftop, 29th floor)
The sun was now kissing the winter's eve border, and the temperature dropped considerably according to Earth's atmospheric changes, yet for both Transformers they felt nothing compared to their organic neighbors in the wet streets below. Feeling a sense of overwhelming pride at a far more prized, beautiful sight than the sunset, Blitzwing leaned against the large stone decorative wall, and sighed in satisfaction. The reflective surface of the massive lit pool gave Crate - who sat across the roof - an ambient glow. She was hunched, legs in an awkward "X"-shape and her lower lip jutting in a pout, glowering comically at the rotund belly she now sported. Her metal frame had expanded, and adjusted to accommodate the ridiculously big triplets that lain silently within her. By forces no Human could ever understand, all three of their tiny sparks were tied to her own, and she could feel each beat they gave off of every second. Sneering to nobody, she averted her cold stare to the one responsible for her current condition, finding him sitting with his legs crossed slothfully, servos behind his helmeted head and a foot bobbing casually. He blew a kiss in her direction.
"YOU!" she hissed. She pointed a digit at him. "This is all your fault!"
"I don't know vhat jou're talking about," Icy said rather lightly.
"Oh-ho, don't you dare play the dumb game with me, Blitzwing! It drives me crazy when you do stupid things like that!" She pointed at her bump. "THIS! Are you blind?"
The triple changer merely shrugged. "I can't vait eizher," he grinned.
Sometimes, annoying her was just a blast. He loved watching her vent. When she threatened him with beating his helm in or pouring quick dry cement on him, he'd just kiss her and blow it all off. It was all a game to him six months later. However, he did love and care for her. Like an angered bull, she raised a block of cement she broke off from the border of the building above her head, pausing as she resisted the overwhelming temptation to bust him upside the cranium with it.
Lowering it before her, she glared at it. What's the fuckin' point?
She then tossed it aside with the block making a loud crash somewhere out of her vision. Her arms folded across her body and she continued to glower at him.
"Get over here, now!" Hothead practically commanded her.
"Oh, fine!" Crate threw her arms up into the air.
Huffing, Crate stomped over to Blitzwing's side. With a clumsy motion, she parked herself next to him, smacking the back of her head against the wall he was leaning up against. She gritted her dental plates and growled angrily.
Her mate chuckled softly at her ire.
"Shut up," she snapped.
"Be nice," Random whispered into her audio receptor.
His arms came around his curvaceous femme and hugged her close to his frame. Blitzwing nuzzled her lovingly and kissed her on her lips. Crate would've punched him six months earlier but now, she wasn't as defiant towards him. However, she still liked to play rough with him at times.
Why bother?
She smiled almost stealthily and rested her head against his chest.