TITLE: Ten Reasons Why Sirius Black is NOT God's Gift to Women
SYNOPSIS: "I found this in my History of Magic classroom," Peter explained, waggling the small piece of paper for them all to see. "It's not signed, but who ever wrote it's a genius."—the Marauders come across a particularly interesting List.
RATING: M, just to be safe. We are talking about Sirius Black here and there is a lot of sexual humour involved. Also, not offence intended to Homosexual people. I am not intending to offend anyone with this story.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything that you recognise.
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James Potter was stinging.
Literally, stinging, where Lily Evans's perfect pale little hand had lashed out and smacked him across the face.
But he was also stinging in the emotional sense. He just couldn't figure it out. He was irresistible, good looking, charming and suave and he was head over heels in love with her—and had often claimed so. What so was off-putting about that? Why didn't Lily Evans love him back, the way that almost every other girl in the school wanted to? He could have had his pick of them. But he didn't. He ignored them all, all for Lily Evans.
But still, she scoffed when he made jokes, rejected him when he asked her out, and slapped her across the face when he made innuendos about the two of them.
What was her issue?
"She's a harpy, mate." Sirius said to him, as he accompanied James back to the common room. "She's going to be blue haired and living with cats before she goes any where near you. So get over her, cause she's not interested."
James punched Sirius in the arm, for insulting Lily if nothing more. Sirius reacted defensively.
"Oi!" He protested, leaping away from his friend. "Bros before hos, Prongs. Don't let the spinster ruin our friendship."
Sirius ducked to avoid James's fist again, grinning as he hid behind Remus. When James let his anger at Sirius fizzle for a second he realised that the emotion really was just frustration with Lily, so he let his determined face and clenched fist fall away. Sirius recognised his triumph, and leapt back to his place beside James, clapping his arm around James's shoulders.
"Don't worry mate." Sirius said seriously. "There are about a million girls who would shag you, even knowing you're just on the rebound."
"Technically…" Remus put in, joining the conversation. "Not the rebound, since he and Lily are supposed to have dated and broken up before that stage. James is really just at the pathetic doe eyes stage."
James turned an angry eye to Remus. "Who are you calling a doe?" He questioned.
Sirius grinned, as well as Remus as they both caught the double meaning. "Don't worry Prongs…" Remus smirked. "No one here's insulting your manhood…" he trailed off.
Sirius picked up the line. "…also known as James Junior." He said smirking.
James punched him, this time hitting his target. Sirius laughed as he clutched at him arm pretending to scream in pain or a few moments before standing straight again. They reached the common room before long, entering to find the room as full as usual during a free period Tuesday morning.
That is to say, empty.
Empty save for one other boy in Gryffindor. Also in Seventh year and also with a free period at that moment, was Peter Pettigrew, the fourth member in their infamous gang. He scuttled over to them now, flicking his sandy blonde hair out of his eyes before smirking at Sirius.
A fifth grade girl who was obviously skipping class quickly darted out from where Peter had come from, her hair a mess. Sirius raised a lone eyebrow, but Peter just shrugged.
"Perverting the innocent?" Sirius said dramatically. "Mr. Pettigrew, I'm ashamed."
Peter frowned sarcastically at his friend. "If any one here should be blamed for perverting the minds of young girls at Hogwarts it's you, Padfoot."
James smirked along with Remus, when Sirius puffed out his chest and flicked his hair, as though accepting an Oscar—a muggle prize for acting, Remus had once explained. But that didn't stop James letting out a depressed sigh as he slumped into the plush armchair of the common room.
"Cheer up, Prongs." Sirius said noticing his friend's moody demeanour. "Who knows, maybe Evans will have an encounter with karma and have a horrific car accident that will send her into a state, so ugly, that only you will ever like her again. Then she'll be forced to love you back."
"Thank you, Sirius," Remus declared loudly, "for that completely unbiased and optimistic outlook for our friend's love life."
James let out another depressed sigh.
"I know something that will cheer you blokes up," Peter sad grinning slightly.
"I have every faith in your witty repertoire, Wormtail, I assure you," James said evenly. "But I highly doubt that any thing you can say will lift my moods even an ounce. My lily flower does not love me, and that is cause enough for me to jump off the Astronomy Tower."
Sirius's eyebrows disappeared. "Really?" He echoed. "Blimey, Prongs, she's just a girl."
James looked at Sirius confused for a moment. Then he thought back over what he just said.
"OH! No, I wouldn't actually jump off the Astronomy Tower," He assured them. "It's just a metaphor for my depressing feeling right now."
Sirius nodded, not entirely sure. Remus still looked alarmed, and Peter just interested, waiting until they finally paid him the attention he needed to tell his story.
James gave them all a sarcastic look. "Would I deny the world of this face?" He said dramatically pointing at himself. "That would be cruelty to women of the world every where. Only a terrorist could ever consider doing something so inhumane…"
"Killing you?" Remus said, amused.
"He has to be a very dark wizard." James said. "A very dark wizard, indeed, if he wanted to get rid of this face."
"He's probably ugly as well…" Sirius said lightly. "Like, with wrinkly pale skin and dark long hair."
Remus sighed. "You just described Severus again."
Both James and Sirius snorted unceremoniously and high fived. Peter smirked and Remus just rolled his eyes.
"Snivellius couldn't kill someone." Sirius said. "He doesn't have the balls."
"…Or the skill…" Peter added.
That sent James and Sirius into another fit of cruel laughter. Remus sighed, waiting for them to die down.
"Do you want to hear what I've got to say or not?" Peter asked coolly. He was watching his friends with a calm look on his face.
Both James and Sirius, still slightly giggly from their recent moment, attempted to sober up and nodded. Peter nodded, smirking and reached into his robes pocket, withdrawing a small folded piece of paper.
"I found this in my History of Magic classroom," he said. "It's not signed, but who ever wrote it's a genius." Peter explained, waggling the small piece of paper for them all to see. Before Peter could unfold it and read it, Remus had snatched it from his hands and was unfolding it.
Both James and Sirius waited, eager to hear what Peter thought was so fabulous.
Remus finished unfolding the paper and his eyes were drawn to the title. He let out a very amused, un-Remus like snort and then covered his mouth, mirth sparkling in his eyes.
"What?" Sirius demanded. "What is it?"
"See?" Peter said to Remus, know Remus knew what Peter was talking about. "Genius, right?"
Remus snorted again.
"Come on," James said, making a lame attempt to grab the paper that would have had any seeker cringe, "Give us…"
Remus refused, shaking his head.
"Read it out then, Moony," Sirius said. "Come on, you tosser."
Remus removed the hand that covered his mouth and attempted to keep his features straight.
"The second of November, Nineteen Seventy four." He said, reading out the date. His eyes flicked to Sirius, very amused. "The title reads: Ten Reasons Why Sirius Black is NOT God's gift to women."
Sirius stared at Remus. "Come off it." He said. "It doesn't say that. No one'd say that."
Remus shook his head. "Word for word. That's what it says."
"…You wanker."
James roared with laughter.
"Read the rest out, Moony," Peter advised, sniggering himself at Sirius' indignant expression.
Remus nodded and looked back to the paper.
"One, he's—"
He didn't get any further than that because James had snatched the paper away. Clearly, Remus was taking too longer time to read the rest out.
10 Reasons Why Sirius Black is NOT God's gift to women.
1. He's dated nearly every single girl in the school, including I think, the new intern at the Hospital Wing (Poppy, or Pimply—something to that effect.) If he has dated nearly every girl in Hogwarts then why hasn't he settled down yet? It mustn't be the face or the looks, because lets face it, that's flawless. So it must be something unseen from the outside. Something that girls discover and then hastily say 'Let's just be friends.'
I think we all know what I'm talking about—Good Grief No! Not that! He's not lacking in that department—or so I'm told.
In fact, the precise words were: 'Hung like a Stallion.'
And that was an awkward conversation.
And now we've all thoroughly confirmed that it's not that that's the problem then—he must have a nasty wart or something.
"Of course," Remus said, while James was incapable of reading any more. He read 'nasty wart' and was beside himself. "That's a little too much information."
Sirius bristled. He was annoyed by the obvious amusement James found at his expense was annoying, especially after he had dispensed such fabulous advice concerning Lily Evans. But then, he couldn't help but be a little proud at the phrase 'hung like a stallion.'
2. Whenever he breaks up with someone or someone dumps him—hang on, I take it back. NO ONE dumps Sirius Black. He does the dumping—there are always tears screaming and smashed furniture involved.
Have you ever witness Sirius Black breaking up with someone? It's catastrophic. Vases are thrown. Rumours are spread. Pranks are planned and executed perfectly, and there have been some injuries for onlookers.
Why would a guy as great as Sirius Black apparently is, always do his dumping in such public places?
I mean, it's obviously embarrassing for the girl involved, being dumped in front of EVERYONE and it's not like he gets his kicks from watching people cry and get upset over him.
Plus, it's becoming a risk to onlookers. When he broke up with Karen Fisher she cursed him with those little yellow canaries, only it messed up and she cursed everyone in the Entrance Hall at the time.
I was in the Hospital Wing for three days. Stupid freaking canaries.
Seriously though, Sirius Black is becoming a health hazard.
"I remember those birds." James said, still grinning from ear to ear. "They were homicidal. They didn't stop until they had pulled at least ten litres of blood."
Sirius frowned at the paper. "But that was Karen. I didn't do that. She's the nutter who jinxed us all."
Remus raised a lone eyebrow. "To be fair, Padfoot, you did break up with her in the Entrance Hall in front of about a hundred other students."
Sirius shrugged. "It just seemed like the right time. And I was nice about it."
Peter chuckled. "You said you couldn't handle any more of her mollycoddling. And when she asked for a real reason you told her it was because she never shaved her legs."
"Well she didn't!"
"You're a wanker." Remus concluded.
3. He uses very lame pickup lines that girls only ignore because they're too busy ogling his face. Even knowing pickup lines as bad as his must take him down from that godly level.
If he were REALLY a gift from God then why would he have to use such pathetic pick up lines? I mean, 'What's your name? I need to tell God one of his angels is missing"—when could that possibly work?
Shouldn't a gift from God be given a little more wit and charm to work with?
"Oi." Sirius said offended. "I'm plenty charming. And I'm very witty."
James was smirking again. "Sure, Mr. Did-It-Hurt-When-You-Fell-From-Heaven?"
Sirius narrowed his eyes at his best friend. "I'll have you know, tosser, that that particular line got me upstairs shagging Rebecca Macy three weeks before she usually goes that far with a bloke."
Remus stared at Sirius. "And you're having difficulties believing that girls write lists like this about you?" He asked.
Sirius threw him a dirty look. "At least the birds write lists about me, Moony."
Remus frowned. "Lists about your faults." He reminded Sirius.
"But, my friend," Sirius pointed out, "There are only ten of them."
Remus sighed, knowing he would never get through to his friend. All he could console himself with was the knowledge that he knew exactly what the girls said about Sirius. Maybe he'd learn one day.
4. He doesn't want to settle down. Isn't that the point of a gift from god? It's supposed to be direct from God to one specific person. It's not supposed to be shared around the entire flipping school before reaching its destination. Either he's not God's Gift, or the postal man really messed up the route.
"Alright," Sirius concluded. "This girl is bonkers. She's of the reservoir, point blank barmy—what self respecting bloke wants to settle down?"
5. He's a bit of a bully. I mean, I will admit that Severus Snape could wash his hair, and the majority of the Slytherins are all cads, but it's not like I go round practically torturing them all. And some of the things he and his pals do are really mean and immature. I mean if I was Lily Evans, and he was James Potter, I'd probably react exactly the same way.
Well, I'd shag Potter's brains out first, but then I'd act just as righteous as good old Evans does.
"Hang on just one second," Sirius said slowly, holding up his hands. "Why does James get the tick from this bird, and every bit of my personality is being plucked apart?"
"Cause I actually have a personality that people like...?" James offered.
Sirius surveyed him with a dark look for a second. "Really?" he said. "Who's the one who's been turned down by the same bird for the past two years?"
James glowered at him.
"That's what I thought." Sirius said evenly. "Anyway," He said looking back at the list. "Snivellius doesn't wash his hair, and therefore we are completely within rights to mock him for it."
"Yeah," James said straight away, defending his actions towards the Slytherins like he always did when he was attacked for it. "And we're practically the only tings stopping the Slytherins from trying to go full on dictator on this schools ass. They should be kissing the ground we walk on." He said,
Peter chuckled. "Prongs," He said obviously. "They already do."
6. He is kind of chauvinistic. I mean, he's always comparing girls to other things. And then he's going on about how the inanimate objects he compares us to, are better then women. What's charming about that?
I mean, I understand that some boys are just at one with sport and Quidditch and practically worship the stuff—but you'd expect a little respect.
Sirius Black does not respect girls. I was watching one of the Gryffindor training sessions, and I quote:
"You treat your Broomstick the way you treat your girls, lads…"
And Gideon Prewett asked, "How's that then, Black?"
And Black goes: "You ride them at least five times a day and take them to the heavens and back."
I rest my case.
"I never said that." Sirius said indignantly, but also a little proud that some of the facts on this list were incorrect.
"Uh, yes you did."
Sirius's face fell. He stared at Peter, shocked. "I did not."
James nodded, emphasising Peter's point. "Yes you did, Padfoot. It was your opening speech to the team this year."
Sirius narrowed his eyes. "I don't believe I call you lot my friends." He said coldly. "You're a bunch of back stabbing traitors."
James shrugged. "We tell it like it is, brother. It's in the Marauder code book."
Sirius glowered at him.
7. He plays Quidditch. And while that looks extremely manly from the stands, if you really think about it, with the forces of Gravity pulling his body down, and the only thing keeping him in the air is a stick between his legs—it can't be good for Sirius Black's… downstairs package… now can it?
Sirius glared at the paper now, as if willing it to catch alight and burn. Remus was chuckling to himself, Peter wheezing and James smirking so widely that he resembled a patriotic man being told that his country had taken over the entire world.
"Anything you need to tell us about mate?" James questioned.
Sirius spluttered.
"Yeah, maybe his attitude problems are just him compensating for something…" Peter muttered to Remus, very audibly.
"COMPENSATING FOR WHAT, PETTIGREW!?" Sirius roared. "I CAN HEAR YOU, YOU SODDING WANKER!"
"Is that why you're so funny about me and Lily?" James queried with a smirk.
Sirius smirked. "Prongs, these is NO you and Lily."
James frowned. "Just for that, Padfoot. You won't be our child's godfather."
Sirius shrugged. "Well, you insulted Romano." He justified. Then he turned to Remus. "Sides, we all know I'm the godfather of his kid no matter who the mum is."
"Oh, just keep reading, git." James said sternly, unwilling to admit that Sirius was completely and totally correct in his assumption.
8. He's a bit of a goofball. Doesn't seem to take much seriously these days, does he? Or… any days, really. I mean his smile is really quite breath taking and does sometimes make my knees weak but that doesn't mean he has to use it all the time. It could be a weapon of mass destruction (bring that smile out on any unsuspecting being with an ounce of oestrogen and whoomph! Down for the count.)
That last point had Sirius grinning proudly.
"Well," he said, "Aside from the very misjudged 'goofball comment—" James snorted yet again. "—she seems to be a level headed bird. I mean, she doesn't miss much about me does she? I am very good looking and women do find me irresistible…"
James raised his eyes.
"All in all," Sirius continued. "A very knowledgeable girl."
9. He conditions his hair. That must be some sort of indication that he's a poof.
Once again, James fell into a fit of uproarious laughter. Sirius's jaw dropped. Peter had to clutch at his stomach, behind over and gasping for air he was laughing so hard, and Remus just smirked.
"Oh yeah," He agreed. "A very wise and smart girl."
Sirius stared at Remus. "A POOF?" He then shouted to the word. "SHE THINKS THAT I'M A POOF! I… you… she… why… how—"
He continued to splutter, while Remus looked back at the list.
Although I cannot deny that his hair does look almost perfect every time he flicks it out of his face—ooh, he just did it then…
"Does that make it better?" Remus asked, while Peter and James rolled around on the ground, completely beside themselves.
"No." Sirius pouted. And then he kicked James in the ribs. "Get up, you wanker. You're just jealous."
James snorted. "Of your poofter haircut? I don't think so."
This time Sirius punched him.
10. Well, he's really just a womanizing cad with a large ego and an even larger—well, if what half the girls at Hogwarts said is true, then you don't need me to specify. I mean, they could all be rather decent potential life partners if they took the sticks out from their arses and stopped pretending to be so fabulous.
There was a momentary silence after reading the anonymous girls final entry.
"By they do you think she means all of us?" James echoed curiously.
Sirius narrowed his eyes at him, "All I know is this girl is off her rocker. She doesn't think I'm God Gift to Women when I clearly am, she think Snivellius deserves a second chance and—"
"—she thinks your hair's gay?" Remus finished wittily.
Sirius threw his shoe at him. He stood then, declaring that he was hungry. "Food time?" He suggested to them all. They all nodded and he grinned. "Let us put this girl and her lapse of sanity behind us. To the Dining hall."
Peter, Remus and Sirius all made towards the portrait hole.
"Well, Sirius, if she's off her rocker then what do you think about her calling you swoon worthily good looking?" Peter asked innocently enough.
Sirius shrugged. "I said she was crazy, Wormtail." Sirius said, as though speaking to a first year. "Not blind."
Peter and Sirius both disappeared through the portrait door. Remus hesitated, noting that they were only three in a group of four. He turned around to see James still sitting in the couch, staring thoughtfully down at the list.
"Prongs?" He called out, "James?" He repeated when he didn't catch his friend's attention.
The second time did the trick and James tore his eyes away form the list to look at Remus. "Yup?"
"Y'alright?" Remus verified, putting good Samaritans everywhere to shame.
James shook his head a little, and then looked back to the paper. "You reckon what she said, is what most people think about us? The insensitive and the chauvinistic side of things?"
Remus sighed. "It was different when we were younger. It's just us growing up." Then he smiled comfortingly. "James. We're not the bad guys. We're good people and we care about helping out lots of people. This is just one girl, probably dumped or ignored by Sirius Black and trying to justify it. Some of the things she says might ring true to some people, but not everyone. People like us."
James frowned nodding, in agreement with his friend. "You're right Moony." He stated, clapping his hands together and pushing himself to his feet. "This is why people call you the wise one."
Remus just chuckled and turned, walking through the portrait door and waiting for his friend to follow.
Inside the common room door, James looked down at the slip of paper again, reading the last paragraph the unnamed girl had written. He smiled slightly to himself. This girl may not have a name, and may have not represented the larger part of Hogwarts.
But he knew who this girl sounded like. This girl sounded like Lily. His Lily Evans who was so persistent that he change, but so adamant against helping him achieve the change.
Now he had guidelines.
He slipped the paper into his back pocket, making a mental note to stay out of the Snivelli—Severus torturing tonight, and smiling to himself.
Lily would see. Lily would like him one day.
And then, he'd show her all the reasons it was HE, not Sirius, who was God's Gift to Women.
Contrary to popular belief and despite large amount of false evidence that might suggest otherwise, I have come to the conclusion that Sirius Black is not god's gift to women.
Sirius Black is not perfection. Sirius Black is not the God incarnate. And he is certainly NOT god's gift to womankind.
Granted he may have fabulous hair—but that is the extent of it.
Yes, ladies, I speak the truth.
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Hey Guys. I hope you liked my latest one shot in my new years Resolutions Challenge. I'm about to go and update the rest of my stories, so go read those if you're interested.
Please review and tell me what you thought.
Cheers,
Grace.