Mad Love Series, Part VIII: Eternal Flame
Break my heartbeat now
I don't know what to do
Should I deny his love?
I guess there's nothing left to lose
I don't know how to break another heart
Who am I to say that we don't deserve love?
He's on his knees now
Begging – well maybe not begging
But he wants me
He wants my heart
And I don't know how to give it up
What will I say?
Chapter 1: Eternal Flame
They say we are what we are but we don't have to be
I'm bad behavior but I do it in the best way
I'll be watcher of the eternal flame
I'll be the guard dog of all your fever dreams
'Cause we could be immortals, immortals
But not for long
"Immortals", Fall Out Boy
I am in love with Harleen Quinzel. She is a damaged girl. She is beautiful. She is broken into pieces, but I love her. She is everything to me. We haven't had the easiest time. I mean, we did meet in a mental institution. I am not going to be cliché and say I loved her from the moment I saw her. That's all a bunch of bullshit. Sorry to burst your romantic bubbles. I am crazy. You all know that. You've read about me in all the papers. I am not a romantic guy.
I changed because of Harleen Quinzel. I didn't want to change, believe me. I was perfectly happy being a freak. Alone. Fucked up. I wore makeup to hide my face because…well, I had to, but at the same time I wore it because I was terrified of who I had become. I hated women before Harleen Quinzel. My mother was a failure. She let my father beat the shit out of her and she didn't stand up for herself. She didn't stand up for her own child. My wife hated me. I got married because maybe I loved her. I am honestly not sure anymore. I turned to this life because I thought that it was my way out of my situation. And it was for the time being. It caught up to me in the end. Perhaps Arkham Asylum was what I needed. Ok, I did not appreciate the straightjacket, that was a little much. But the moment she walked into my cell, I knew she was special.
She is so incredibly smart, you can tell that from the moment you meet her. She has an energy that's hard to deny. But she is broken. That's what I knew from the first moment, what made me fall in love with her. She was alone, broken, just like me. She understood me and moreover, she wanted to understand me. No one else had. Everyone was afraid of me. They didn't want to look at my face. My face instilled fear in everyone I met. Except for her. She saw me as I was and accepted it.
Yeah, I know what you're thinking. I was pretty shitty at showing my affections. I was afraid of love, plain and simple. I was afraid of what it could do to me. I didn't want to let my guard down in front of anyone, and really, I haven't even told her everything. But she knows the important parts of me, which is more than anyone can say. I broke her down and pushed her limits because I knew she could be more than she was. My methods are unconventional. I never said I was sane. I'm sanely aware of my insanity. I regret what happened to her parents. I never meant to kill them. However, they would always hold her back from her potential. They were withholding in every sense of the word. They didn't believe in her like I did. They would have only gotten in the way of our happiness.
I want to marry her for a lot of reasons. She gets me. That's fucking stupid, but it's true. She's incredibly frustrating and manipulative, but so am I. The only consistent thing about our relationship is its inconsistency. We have a child together. Not our best move, but it can't be taken back. She changed our lives by coming into this world screaming. Unlike her mother, I loved Olivia from the first moment I saw her. I never pictured myself becoming a father, but here I am. Harley gave me the chance to live the life that I always wanted for myself.
We've hurt each other sufficiently. We've loved each other through it all. Why wouldn't she accept my proposal? I know that it won't be easy. She's a tough bitch and she'll have all kinds of stipulations and issues about us getting married, but it doesn't matter. I just know I'm spending the rest of my life with her, married or not.
I'm really just hoping she says yes.