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"Why..." Naruto whispered in anguish as he limply fell on his knees on the hard ground. His eyes stung from the tiredness of not sleeping for the past few nights and the tears that threatened to fall down his cheeks. His hands were clenched tight into fists as he tried to reign in his bursting emotions. He wouldn't give in. He wouldn't cry.
Why did it hurt so much? After years of hard work, training to become stronger and reading endless scrolls to expand his knowledge, he still failed. He was a failure. A loser. He would never amount to anything. He would die sad and alone and would never experience the joys of companionship.
WHY WON'T SAKURA GO OUT WITH HIM?
Sure he was still short, a little over 166 centimeters in height, but he was still taller than her. He has gained many skills over the years and had proven himself to the villagers. He has done things previously thought impossible and has earned himself the title of a hero. Although not many people flocked over him like the bastard, Naruto's parents were beautiful people, so he should be as well.
So what was wrong with him?
"Dickless!" Sai entered Naruto's apartment. "I'm bored. Play with me."
"Go away." Naruto muttered through the little space between his head and the floor. He was depressed, broken. He did not care about anything at the moment, except for the harsh feeling of rejection that his beautiful Sakura forced upon him.
"I saw you talking to Sakura today. I heard her denying your request to go out on a date with you." Sai said in monotone. It made Naruto want to sink deeper to the ground and never come out again. He wanted to be miserable alone. He wanted to die and never face this cruel world again. Unfortunately, Sai would not let him.
"I know why she rejected you."
Naruto stood up from his position quickly and grabbed both of Sai's shoulders desperately. "You do?!" His face was just inches away from Sai's own and Sai wondered if he was supposed to kiss him.
"It is obvious. According to the books I have read, it is because you lack appeal." Sai leaned in a little closer, wondering if Naruto would pull back. Sadly, Naruto did.
"What?" Naruto asked, incredulous. Sai shrugged.
"You lack sex appeal. Probably because of your small penis." Naruto punched him in the gut.
"Fuck you, Sai. Stop joking around. I'm being serious here!" Naruto waved his arms all over the place, frustrated beyond words.
"I am serious." Naruto scowled.
"And I am handsome."
"Do not worry, Naruto. I will teach you what you need to know." Sai patted Naruto on the back and quickly left Naruto's apartment, hearing and ignoring the loud curses coming from inside.
...
Fucking bitch. Naruto slowly crawled backwards towards the exit, looking at Sai-who was firmly holding a definitely evil banana-with distrust. Sai grinned.
"Here." Sai finally said, pointing towards the banana held in his hand. "I will be teaching you how to put on a condom." Naruto's eyes widened. "Let me show you." He shoved his hand in his pocket and retrieved a small square packet. "Listen closely, alright? This is very important if you want an active sexual life."
"What the hell does this have anything to do with getting Sakura to go out with me?" Naruto asked in a high pitched tone.
"Well, before I teach you anything, you must learn how to be safe. I cannot let a dear friend have STDs because of my foolish actions. Before we do any practicing, I must teach you how to put on a condom." Sai stretched his banana-holding arm out to Naruto.
"What the fuck, Sai? Stop it." Naruto buried his face in his arms, not wanting to see the damn thing held in Sai's hand like a fucking vibrator. "This is so awkward."
"Do not be embarrassed, Naruto; this is very natural. You should be lucky you are learning this from me instead of Sakura." Sai gently pried Naruto's arms away from Naruto's heated face, just like a teacher would to his student who was too shy to make the teacher's life easier. "Relax. This is going to be fun."
"Quit it." Naruto pushed Sai away from him as hard as he could, which was not much considering Sai was standing and Naruto's butt was flat on the floor.
"Here, listen now. This could mean the difference between life and STDs." Naruto looked at Sai in horror and disgust. "So please pay attention." Sai tore off the plastic wrapper and carefully took the condom out, making sure he did not tear it. "Look. To start this procedure, roll." Sai started struggling, determining the direction in which the condom rolls. "Once, finished, you have to pinch the middle before you put it on. So that there will be space for the semen. Or else the condom will break."
"No!" Naruto covered his ears with his hands as tightly as he could, shaking his head stubbornly. He shut his eyes tight from the sight of Sai struggling between holding the piece of fruit without breaking it and lightly pinching the condom. Sai wondered briefly if he should just use his own penis instead for the sake of convenience. Although one look at Naruto told Sai that Naruto might not appreciate it. Plus, he might just lose his ability to impregnate women if he pulled out his prized possession. Not that he cared, but the pain kept his pants on.
"Now, when you put it on, you have to make sure you cover the penis of whoever you're having sex with entirely, tip to base. It might fall off if you don't. Make sure his penis is fully erect." Sai warned. He gripped the banana tightly in his hand and started to dress it with the condom, while still lightly pinching a space inside.
"What the fuck, bastard?" Naruto, despite his hands muffling most the sounds around him, heard Sai clearly. "I'm not gay!"
"Oh?"
Naruto smacked his forehead at the obviously surprised look on Sai's face. Sai shrugged and looked down at the banana.
"I assumed you were just practicing on Sakura, because she is ugly and therefore the easiest to win over. I just thought to make sure, since your ass looks nice and the size of your dick is-" Naruto threw a pillow at him and glared.
"I ain't gay, you asshole!"
"Well... alright. Make sure the condom's covering your entire... dick-not that covering that tiny thing will be a problem-or else the condom will fall off and the condom will go to waste. Congratulations! You got your girlfriend pregnant! Or maybe something worse. It only takes one to turn your life into a complete tragedy."
"Shut up!"
Sai only smiled.
"Now, when you release the top part, of course, there will be a tiny space inside it. See?" Sai shoved the now shiny looking banana in front of Naruto's face. Naruto's eyes widened and he leaned back as far as he could without falling. "There, that's good. Cause if you don't, it might break or slip off when you're-"
"Okay! I've had enough!" Naruto took the banana from Sai's hand and used it to slap him across the face, causing the poor banana to break and fall. "Go play with yourself!" And Naruto stomped out of the room.
Sai blinked confusedly. "...Alright. It's your bed." He lied on the mattress and proceeded to mark the sheets on the bed.