The Sorting Hat.
It is a wondrous object, made by Godric Gryffindor, I heard. Yes, this marvelous hat is the one that chooses your Hogwarts house. But recently, it has come to my notice that there has been much stress and regulation, not to mention fights, over what house you belong in. I have come to try to…Sort this out. …Okay, lame pun, I know. But it was funny, right?
…
Moving on…
So, back to the houses. I'm sure a majority of you wish to be-and think you are-in Gryffindor. Let's state the facts first.
Not everyone is a Gryffindor.
Go ahead and scream and cry and throw a tantrum all you want. But it simply cannot be done. Admittedly, I understand why you would want to be such. There are many famous Gryffindors, the most eventful characters are. For example; Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, All the Weasleys, Hermione Granger, Neville Longbottom…
Yes. Neville is a Gryffindor. No, I don't care if you think he's a Hufflepuff. Neville is a Gryffindor. Sorry to burst your bubble, Hufflepuffs. Neville marries a Hufflepuff, *coughHannahAbbottcough*, but that does not make him one.
Again, sorry to burst your bubble.
So, moving on from the sorry fact that no, you may not be a Gryffindor, let's go to the other houses you may be.
Ravenclaw!
A decent house, and why wouldn't you want to be in it? It means you're smart and knowledgeable. As those Ravenclaws say, 'wit beyond measure is man's greatest treasure'. Or something. Basically, they're saying being smart is what counts, not being pretty. Sorry. This house also sports some pretty nice colors. Silver and blue. Well, in the books it's really blue and bronze, but imagine having a scarf like that-! But both ways, respectable, and they also have an eagle for their symbol. That screams knowledge, plus, it's a very good bird. This house also hosts-
Rowena Ravenclaw, Helena Ravenclaw, (Yes, I know they rhyme, but there's a difference people-!) Luna Lovegood-
Excuse me. Luna is a very nice person. I mean, she gets married to Scamander, didn't she? I know so.
Yes, Ravenclaw is very smart. Why, even the Sorting Hat thinks so!
"Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw,
If you've a ready mind,
Where those of wit and learning,
Will always find their kind."
Ollivander was a Ravenclaw you know.
Plus, Ravenclaw joined Harry in the fight against Voldemort. Well, every house did, really, except the Slytherins. But we'll get to them another time. Don't forget this-I learned this from Harry Potter Wiki, by the way-Ravenclaws is known to be witty and intelligent, as well as attractive.
Wink, wink.
Next house?
Hufflepuff!
I'm sure you're all thinking. 'Hufflepuff? My life will be over! They're a load of duffers! Even Hagrid thinks so!' Well, I'm here to help your self-esteem that that is not true. Of course, I don't really know very well, seeing as Harry was the main, and he was Gryffindor, but Hufflepuffs are decent folk too, you know.
Hufflepuffs are underestimated. This can and cannot be a good thing.
You see, Hufflepuffs are known for their loyalty and hardworking abilities. The Sorting Hat even says,
"You might belong in Hufflepuff,
Where they are just and loyal,
Those patient Hufflepuffs are true,
And unafraid of toil."
In fact, their symbol is a badger!
…I can sense you excitement coming off in waves.
But really. Students here are loyal, patient, fair, dedicated, hardworking…They also engaged in the Battle of Hogwarts with Harry. And you want to know some famous Hufflepuffs?
There's Sprout, for one thing, (she counts, right?) And Cedric…There's also Nymphadora Tonks!
…Okay, maybe patience doesn't really work right there for little Tonksie. But there's also Zacharias Smith and…
You know what, forget that one last person I added on there, and let continue elsewhere, shall we? Hufflepuff's colors are yellow and black, which are rather good colors, I would think. You know, Hufflepuffs also appear to have brown and blonde hair…
What color hair do you have, may I ask? Just checking.
Alright, considering these looks I'm getting, I might as well move on…Next house…
Slytherin!
Now, now, calm yourselves. This is rather the least understood house, but rather rightly so with the evidence. I mean, Malfoy wasn't the nicest, was he? And what about that dog, (sorry Sirius) Pansy? And Snape…Why, the didn't even participate in the Battle, thanks to Miss Parkinson-…
I'll just…stop. Okay, er…
"Or perhaps in Slytherin,
You'll make your real friends,
Those cunning folk use any means,
To achieve their ends."
See? Being in Slytherin doesn't have to be bad, you're just sly and sneaky, rather good traits to have, don't you think? Besides, you may not be a Slytherin. There aren't many Slytherin Muggle-borns, and I'm assuming you are, considering how you're reading this and all. But back to the point!
Slytherin's colors are green and silver, and, understandably, its symbol is the…snake. My, this house just keeps on sounding better, doesn't it? But continuing…
The Slytherins are known for their ambition, traditionalism (Mudblood!), leadership, self-preservation, a certain disregard for rules.
Alright, alright, let's not get your knickers in a twist. I'm sure many of you are Slytherins, and in that case, I mean not to offend. In fact, I rather think I'm one myself. Or Ravenclaw. But we'll just ignore that little fact…
Right! Important Slytherins?
Draco Malfoy, Andromeda Tonks (I'm not lying, so stop thinking 'what the Rowling'), Severus Snape, Regulus Black, Tom Riddle…
Okay. That probably didn't help, but much doesn't really. Let me continue…
Merlin,…
Yes.
Merlin.
That fantastic wizard who now owns the saying, 'I swear on Merlin's saggy left-' *smirks* Ha! Bet you didn't know that, did you? But then again, you might have. I really have no control. And don't forget Harry Potter was almost Sorted into Slytherin…!
Okay, now, that is the end of the house explanation. 'What?' I'm sure you think, 'What about Gryffindor, the brave lions?'
Sigh.
Have I not just previously said the point was to open you to other houses? Besides, I'm sure if you really wanted to know about Gryffindor, those brave little lions, just go get a book. Preferably, "Harry Potter".
And-
Whoa, whoa. Why are you leaving? I'm not done. I still have to do a summarization. Okay! Ready? Go!
Ravenclaw, those witty folk.
Hufflepuff, loyal, and not afraid of toil.
Slytherin, the ambitious kind, with sly demeanor.
And Gryffindor, those little cubs, just go look in a book.
Alrighty then? You enjoyed the show? Well, it's not over yet, (again) sorry to disappoint. Just one more thing…
BETTER BE IN…