Waiting

by Glinda

Waiting. It's the one constant in Remus Lupin's life. RS

A/N: Written for my claim in the 50lyrics challenge on lj. Lupin's POV throughout his life from Marauder-era through HBP and beyond. There are slight mentions of slash but nothing explicit.

003: "A place between sleep and awake;
end of innocence, unending masquerade" - Sleepwalker - Nightwish

He waits.

Soon the moon will rise and the change will come. Every month since he was bitten as a small child. Even when the moon sets again he will be waiting. For it to come again. For his friends to find out. For them to abandon him.

He hides behind his books and keeps his distance. He is patient. They will eventually stop trying to break down his barriers. They will find others for their pranks and plots. James and Peter are easily distracted, Lily easily consoled, but Sirius, for all his impetuousness, can be patient. They take on the role of protector to him, guarding him from the bullies, revenging the taunts, without wanting to he's drawn into their circle by default. They think he's innocent and in need of protection. Not knowing that his innocence is long lost. But, for now he can pretend. He might as well enjoy it in the short-term, there's little chance of his making friends in adulthood who won't find out about what he is.

And once a month he sits in the shack and waits for the moon.

In the hospital wing he waits behind the curtains for Madam Pomfrey to finish with the other children. Someone's been in a fight he can tell. Two of them, at the far end of the ward from him, he could probably hear if he tried. But he's in too much pain to care. A voice is raised in anger and one of them is clearly discharged in disgrace. He can hear McGonagall's voice, firm chastisement he thinks, focusing on the word. Disinterested in the situation. Madam Pomfrey bustles in, cleans him up, checks him out and still he waits. For her to finish. For the pain to go away. For her to let him go. Instead when she finishes she suggests he stay for a little while. That one of his dorm mates is in, fighting a sleeping potion. That it might be advisable to wait a little while longer. The rest goes unspoken, she knows and he knows that his secret must go undiscovered. So he waits.

Half an hour later he gets ready to leave. The other patient is fast asleep. He knows he should just leave but Madam Pomfrey is busy patching up a first year Flying class and he's curious. The boy on the bed is Sirius. Sleeping peacefully. He's seen it a thousand times and yet, as every other time, he is fascinated, drawn to the other boy. He hesitates. A voice behind him makes him jump. It's been a long time since someone sneaked up on him successfully.

"P-p-r-rofessor Mc-Gonagall! I didn't hear you."

"Quite alright, Lupin. Your friend had quite a run in earlier. With a sixth year. Charmed antlers on the boy. Impressive tranfiguration work for a second year. Pity he hadn't seen fit to put his mind to learning a simple shield spell. Or indeed towards his school work."

"He's not my friend. He's just my dorm-mate."

"No? And why's that, Lupin?"

"You know why, Professor. I can't…I can't afford friends. They'd find out. And…then…where would I be."

"You think it won't hurt to loose them if they were never your friends in the first place?"

"Yes. At least less. Being despised by people you don't know is easier than being despised by people you thought you did."

"You poor boy. You actually believe that don't you. Lupin, in your time at school you will make the unfortunate discovery that there are some people who will never like you, no matter what you do, say or are. But, I hope, you will also discover that there are others who will like you either because of, or inspite of those same things. No matter how distant you try to keep them."

"What do you mean Professor."

"That boy there. Took on a boy four years his senior, top of his class in Transfiguration, twice his size and in full view of myself, for one reason. He'd called you a name. I will not repeat what he called you because it is thoroughly unpleasant and untrue. You weren't there to defend yourself so Mr Black did it for you. Say what you like Mr Lupin, but I do not think you have a say in this. He is your friend whether you like it or not. You would do well not to fight it."

"I thought you didn't like him, Professor."

"Lupin. The first time I met you I knew who you were, did you wonder why?"

"I…didn't think about it."

"But you knew what I was didn't you?"

"I didn't have a name for it but…yes I knew you could become a cat. The part of me that…changes…could smell it."

"One of the charms of being and Animagus is a, shall we call it an 'awareness' of what animal a person has the potential to become. I could smell what you were young man, but I could see just as clearly what he could be. And much as I disapprove of the trouble he and Mr Potter seem so intent on causing, I will not deny you that."

"Deny me what, Professor."

"A pack mate, Lupin. That boy's got the soul of a puppy."

She leaves him there. To think about it. He knows he should go back to class, but it's Potions with Slughorn in the Dungeons. His mind is full of questions that have nothing to do with class. He's pretty sure that he won't be missed and that even if he is, McGonagall will excuse him. So he sits down beside the dark haired boy' s bed while he sorts out the questions to ask Sirius when he wakes. And he waits.

Early in third year they study Werewolves in Defense Against the Dark Arts. He tries to make himself as small as possible as the teacher parrots off the received wisdom, noting mentally where it differs and matches his own experience. Sirius keeps asking questions, unusual for him, with his perfect recall. Challenging 'facts', Remus recognises the wording of the quotes, Sirius has been doing his research. And it makes his blood run cold. James catches his eye, looks confused, clearly whatever revelation Sirius has had he hasn't shared it with James. A fact which is unusual in and of itself and if anything worries him more. So as always he waits for whatever Sirius has planned next. The essay looms and he dreads the class undoubtedly figuring out his secret. He curses their teacher in the privacy of his own head but keeps his silence. Waits for the inevitable. He comes back from the library to hear an argument eminating from the dorm room, someone trying to be both quiet and angry at the same time. Stops half way up their stair, can hear quite clearly. He waits.

James' voice clear and firm: "How long have you known."

Sirius, defiant and angry: "A couple of weeks. Had my suspicions, wanted to figure it out."

Peter, scared and angry: "And when exactly were you planning on telling us just what we were living with?"

"I wasn't. It's his secret to tell."

"That's why you were asking those questions wasn't it. You wanted to check you were right, didn't you. He doesn't know you know, then? Probably for the best. I presume the teachers know." There's realisation in James' voice now. "You were reminding that idiot of a Defense professor, weren't you? Trying to be subtle about pointing out that what he was leaving Remus open to. We have to say something."

"Are you both completely out of your minds? He's a dark creature! He shouldn't be in school! He's a monster!"

It hurts. The truth he's been waiting to hear since the day he walked through the doors of Hogwarts. Though he suspects not as much as Peter will given the noise that follows.

And he can't wait this time. He has to know. He's up the stairs and through the door so fast he can barely breathe when he gets there. Can barely see. Sirius has Peter up against a wall, pulled off his feet by his collar, ranting incoherantly at him. James is mid-stride to pull them apart. The three of them freeze mid-movement at the sound of the door slamming open. James turns to look at him and he realises suddenly that his cheeks are wet. Becomes distantly aware that he's crying, silently. James speaks quietly, firmly.

"Sirius. You trust Remus, yes? You've read more about his…problem than any of us. Tell me honestly. Is he a danger to us? Because of what he is?"

"No more than I am."

"Then I trust him. On one condition. Remus. Tell us truthfully, where do you go to when you disappear every month."

The time for confession has come. The day he's been dreading has arrived. No more waiting.

"Madam Pomfrey, she takes me out to the Whomping Willow, there's a secret passage under it, she takes me down there just before sunset. It leads to the Shreiking Shack in Hogsmeade. She leaves me there. Locked up. To transform, into a werewolf. She comes back in the morning and takes me back to the hospital wing and patches me up. It's the only way. That way I only hurt myself and not anyone else. Like this, I swear I would never hurt any of you unless you attacked me, but in wolf form… Peter was wrong. I'm not a monster, I'm an abomination."

It's said. He waits for the inevitable condemnation.

"Peter. Now would be a good time to take back what you just said about Remus."

"You can't make me…"

"No. We won't force you, there is certainly a choice for you to make here. But all I will say is this. You've already forced Sirius' choice. Do not make me choose, Peter. Don't make me choose between dorm-mates."

James doesn't have to spell it out. He just nods at the door. Peter may not be that sharpest tack in the toolbox but he's not as daft as he sometimes pretends. There's no real choice for Peter. Remus could cope with being alone, he's had lots of practice. Peter couldn't stand it.

"I'm sorry Remus."

"That's okay Peter."

"Right lets go remind our idiot of a Defence teacher that he needs to protect the safety of a certain pupil…before the rest of the class figure it out."

He waits for the Defence Professor to tell them where to go. They've had essays on nearly every section of the course so far, surely it would be more suspicious not to have one. Yet the essay is withdrawn. The DADA teacher takes ill, a quiet word from Madam Pomfrey later and all is well. He rescues one of his quills from Sirius' bag, finds a bag of vomiting sweets and wonders what word to use when thankyou doesn't even begin to cover it.

He doesn't remember when he started to notice the other boy. Or more accurately when he realised what that noticing was. McGonagall dropped a hint and increasingly he notices it. The wolf in him can sense the dog in the other boy. It craves company, a pack, a mate. He doesn't realise it's returned till the daySirius comes back to the dorm the day after the moon with a pile of books on Animagi and states that he can't take it any more. That he has to do something to help. The three of them practice and plot and he waits for them to get discouraged and give up. It becomes an obsession for Sirius. James is curious, but Sirius is desperate to know. He can feel the pull and he wants to answer it, wants a logical conclusion. Remus suspects that the wolf is pulling the dog within Sirius closer to the surface. Sometimes it seems like they will never suceed, but Sirius can be patient and Remus will wait forever for Sirius to succeed though he never speaks of it. Everytime the other two seem ready to give up Sirius spurs them on. Then the day comes when Sirius begins to despair. His patience is at an end, he is frustrated and the fire of his determination is dampened by the flood of despair. But Remus has been waiting for this. Nursing his one and only ace for the right time to play it. He knows the dangers that lie ahead, has never encouraged them with more than shining eyes the first time they suggested it. But the wolf nags at him…the dog is almost at the surface. Sirius doesn't know what he will be and has almost given up on finding out. So he does the only thing he can, because in the end, he doesn't want to be alone anymore than Peter does.

"I don't know. I just…I used to be able to close my eyes and feel myself as an animal. I was large and furry and powerful and…gentle. But now I just can't see it anymore."

"It's too close to the surface. I can't…describe how close you are to suceeding. So close it scares me."

"Can…can Mooney sense it then? What I am…will be?"

"He can smell it. I can feel him pulling at me to encourage you to help you over the final hurdle…and I promised myself that I wouldn't help…"

"You've wanted us to do this for a long time haven't you? Why did you never say?"

"Apart from it being both highly dangerous and completely illegal? I didn't want you to do it because I wanted it, I wanted you to want to. So I can wait till you're ready."

"How long would you have waited if the others had insisted it was ridiculous or illegal or too dangerous?"

"However long it took. I'm very patient, I would have waited forever. If it weren't for the War I would expect that once you qualify McGonagall would offer to train you to become an Animagus though…"

"She put the idea in your head didn't she?"

"That day in the hospital wing. After you charmed those antlers on that sixth year and they transfigured your hands into a bunch of carrots? She said that it's the gift/curse of being an Animagus you can see the 'potential' animal within every person you meet. She knew what you were. That's why she encouraged us to be friends, despite, as you so neatly put it…"

"Dislike me intensely, my arse, she hates my guts. You know what I'll be."

"Yes. You're a dog. Mooney's been drawn to you since the moment we met you. She made me realise why. I say a friend, he saw a playmate. Do you understand, Sirius? If the others suceed or fail it doesn't matter. I'll be touched and proud of them but if you fail and I have to wait till you can transform legally I will, because I deny Mooney everything else. All I can offer in appeasement is a companion."

"The…dog…in me. It's been fighting to get out hasn't it? It's felt the wolf, and the wolf's lonliness. That's why I'm so obsessed with succeeding at this."

He doesn't have to wait long. Sirius has mastered the change within weeks. James follows soon after and with help Peter finally makes it safely there and back. The pack runs. Adventures and near misses abound and Remus waits for them to slip up or get caught. But they never do. It's wonderful, everything he'd hoped for in his wildest dreams and more. The wolf inside is calmer, it has a pack, a companion of it's own kind, it can run almost free. Oh there are hiccups. There's Snape and the 'inicident'. There's exams aplenty. There's so nearly getting caught. And there's an ache for Sirius that has nothing to do with Mooney. He watches the other boy sleep. And wonders if Sirius ever watches him sleep. Sometimes he catches Sirius looking at him the way he looks at Sirius and he wonders. But Sirius is always surrounded by girls. The girls worship Sirius but none of them ever seem to touch his heart. So Remus waits for when Sirius will realise what he needs. Remus is patient. He can wait till the end of time.

It's mid sixth year when he does. Remus isn't sleeping well, so Sirius takes to sleeping on the end of his bed as Padfoot. Soon they share a bed, simply to sleep, regularly, waking wrapped in each other's arms. Peter and James choose to believe what they tell them, about Mooney being lonely, needing his pack. On a couple of occassions all four of them sleep in a happy tangle of limbs on two beds pushed together in the middle of the room. Most of the time it's just the two of them and soon they discover that the need between them goes far beyond canine companionship. He is content, but part of him still waits, because nothing lasts forever, especially not for werewolves.

They share a flat and join the order. They revel in their freedom. They dance like maniacs at James and Lily's wedding and cry like a couple of girls when Harry is born. But the war wears them down. The secrets and lies of their assignments drive them apart. He keeps waiting for Sirius not to come home and one day he doesn't. And then James and Lily are murdered and Sirius murders Peter in a street full of muggles. His world is in shreads and he doesn't know what to do. So he does the only thing he knows how to do. He waits. Little Harry will need some answers and however much he respects Dumbledore the boy needs more than his memories of his 'family'. He suspects that Voldemort's not all gone either. He hears rumours, nothing concrete but he keeps tabs on things, scrapes a living from vanquishing dark creatures and waits for Harry to grow up.

Sirius breaks out of prison almost two weeks before Dumbledore contacts him about the Defense Against the Dark Arts job in the middle of the summer. The officials set to capturing Sirius are getting nowhere and therefore twitchy, showing increasing interest in the only other surviving Maurauder. He's not sure who Dumbledore's trying to protect him from, Sirius, the Ministry or himself. Maybe all three. He accepts. More for Harry's sake than his own. He'd made himself a pledge the day Sirius went to Azkaban, to take over Sirius' duties as Godfather. So he takes the Hogwarts Express from London with the children. And he waits. By chance Harry and his friends end up in his compartment and faking sleep he is privy to everything Harry knows about the danger he faces. The boy is forewarned but doesn't know the vital details, which is probably for the best. And suddenly the train is filled with a chill that only one type of creature brings. It's a long time since he had need of the spell to banish them, but he remembers it, and equally knows he will have to use it. So he waits. He expects the Dementor to focus on him, there is enough darkness in his soul to keep an army of them fed for a decade. But it focuses on Harry, and he wonders, does innocence taste sweeter? Still he drives it away and waits among the frightened children for Harry to regain consciousness. It's a strange feeling watching the boy, part protectiveness, part curiousity, but mainly love. It's a fierce love he feels for the boy. The memory that he used to drive away the Dementor is one he hasn't thought of for a long time. Of holding a tiny child in his arms, little arms clinging to him, big green eyes staring adoringly up at him. Those same eyes open again, all confusion and curiousity. The embarassment of being thirteen. He remembers. He treasures the small gift the boy has given him but doesn't mention it, how could he? He excuses himself quickly, he needs time to regain his composure. He wishes he could thank the young boy but knows that he can't yet. So he waits.

He wonders if it's more than co-incidence that both the things he's been waiting for happen on Hallowe'en. He gets Harry to himself for the first time, sees the innocent acceptance of him as a friend of his parents, the hunger for any little tidbit of information about them and he curses Petunia Evans for failing her sister. Though not as much as he does Snape with his laden hints that sail over Harry's head. Night falls and Sirius has a stand-off with the fat lady. There's panic and searching to no avail, but underneath he wonders at the timing, Sirius must know that tonight's Hallowe'en and that the feast will keep the kids out of the tower till late. With Harry out of the way, what is it that Sirius wants from Gryffindor tower? No doubt the answer will soon become clear, so as always he waits.

He's learnt to be extremely patient.

He focuses on teaching Harry the Patronus charm. The Dementors seem to worry Harry more than Sirius does so he willing perpetuates the distraction. Waiting for the boy to get frustrated and give in, unspeakably proud as Harry battles through, enraged at the behaviour of the Slytherin boys and impressed by the corporeal patronus Harry produces. He waits for Sirius' next move and doesn't have long to wait. But instead of making things clearer, it only confuses him further. Did Ron really just wake at an inopportune moment or is Sirius actually looking for something other than Harry in Gryffindor tower? Why did he flee? He'd killed 13 muggles and a full grown (though admittedly not all that adept) wizard in broad daylight. What challenge did one half asleep and four sleeping 13 year old wizards without their wands hold for him? In the part of him that he defines as the wolf a tiny pin point of hope blossoms, pointing out all the things that hadn't made sense twelve years previously. But he cannot afford the luxury of hope. So he stamps on it ruthlessly.

And deep inside the wolf waits for the return of it's mate, these last twelve years have taught it patience.

The return of the Marauders Map is an unexpected surprise. Despite the lecture he gave Harry about it being a map to him he doesn't return it to the tender mercies of Filch. He keeps watch over Harry, making sure he doesn't take any unwise trips. He's forgotten how addictive watching the map can be. Dumbledore pacing (he really does do that a lot), Snape lurking about the dungeons, the Weasley twins plotting their latest prank. Alone with the map he finds he can forget reality for the first time in years. Reading the names along the top still hurts, and the pleasure of the twins antics reminding him of Sirius and James still causes a guilty twinge, but it's the best he can hope for. He remembers the joy the four of them found in the face of the oncoming war, before everything went wrong. It spurs him on to make his exam both testing and enjoyable. If he's reading the signs right these kids are going to need all the enthusiasm for fighting dark creatures that they can get. The year is almost over and he's survived it. His secret remains undiscovered, inspite of Snape but he knows nothing can last forever. There's expectancy in the air that has nothing to do with the exams that plague his students. He just wishes he knew what it was.

The day of the last exam seem likely to be blighted by nothing but the moon and over-excited teenagers. Until he discovers that the Hippogriff is to be executed at sundown. Concerned as he is for Hagrid the brunt of his worry falls on Harry. The trio will no doubt be sneaking down to give Hagrid a bit of support. Something's going to happen, and it's going to be out there. He stays in his office watching the map. Snape will be along soon with his potion and transformation will follow shortly. All that he can do is wait.

He never normally has much cause to focus on Hagrid's corner of the map, but tonight he does. Tracing the progress of the trio, watching for any ominous names skulking about. Well apart from the axe-wielding MacNair, he wonders what Fudge would think if he knew exactly what his tame ex-Death Eater had done during the war. He waits with the resignation of the inevitable for a familiar name, and finds one, but it's not the one he expects. Peter Pettigrew. From the look of it being picked up by Ron, being carried along with the three of them…of course Ron has a rat. Well if he's still alive then that explains Sirius' laughter when they captured him, he knew Peter had escaped. But why hide for so long? Why not come to him for shelter? He wishes Snape would hurry up with the potion. Suddenly another familiar name appears. Dragging Ron and Peter off towards the Whomping Willow. Harry and Hermione chasing after them, following that cat of hers. And he cannot wait anymore. He has to know. He can't stand by and watch, he should tell someone but what can he say. There's heavy cloud and a good hour or so till moonrise. He's going to have to risk it, and hope that the Wolfsbane in his system holds him for long enough. Whether Sirius is after Peter or Harry he needs to go help, if nothing else he needs some answers from both Sirius and Peter. No more waiting.

Even after everything that happens that night he doesn't regret his decision for one second. The truth comes out, in all it's pain and glory. The warmth and comfort of that much missed human contact. All is forgiven between the two of them in the quest for revenge. Even though Peter escapes, even though he ends up fighting Sirius as a werewolf it doesn't matter. Somehow, he never knows how, Harry and Hermione rescue both the Hippogriff and Sirius, sending him off into hiding and safety. Harry knows the truth. Sirius is free. But still Remus waits. Snape's been humiliated and denied his own vengeance. The outcome is to be expected. He's written the letter of resignation by the time the stories reach him. Snape's been waiting a long time for this opportunity, and he's nowhere near as patient as Remus. He consoles Harry and makes his departure swift. He wonders when he'll next hear from Sirius. It might be a while but he's a patient man and the wolf is content in the knowledge that its mate is free, safe and forgiven. They can wait.

He looks after the little cottage in the moors that he calls his own. Tending the garden, repainting the walls, fixing the many holes in the roof. He watches the stars and treasures the rare letters from Sirius, borne on the wings of tropical birds. He knows Sirius is watching over Harry, but he knows where he is and he'll be home when it's safe. He waits for over a year to see his old friend again. Voldemort is back and he's up to his eyes in work for the order. It's as though the last fourteen years haven't happened and that makes it all the harder for Sirius to cope with being cooped up in his childhood home. That night in the Shrieking Shack Sirius said he'd done his waiting during those twelve years in Azkaban, his once seemingly infinite patience seems to have run out. Remus just wants him safe. He has the other half of himself back and a job to do. He's grateful that Sirius is willing to release a little of his burden onto him, they always said they'd share the Godfather duties between them. And fond as he is of Molly Weasley, she forgets that while she may consider Harry part of her family, he was part of theirs first. But Sirius isn't the only one getting restless. Harry is too. That recklessness and talent for trouble that characterised James and Sirius in their school days has never shown itself more clearly than it does now. He waits in fear now, for he's seen this before and it never ends well.

Afterwards the events in the Department of Mysteries are mainly a confused jumble of images. However, burned into his memory is the moment when Sirius falls through the Veil. He grabs Harry on instinct, knowing Sirius is lost to them, knowing he still has a responsibility to them both. When he speaks it feels like he's having to make a physical effort to force the words out of his throat and through his lips. He feels both numb and in pain, like being doped up on painkillers and still feeling the ghosts of the pain. He knows he's in shock, but he still needs to function. Harry's going to start grieving just as soon as he gets his head around what's actually happened.

Harry has anger to keep him going. Losing people makes him angry. He wants to punish those responsible. And he really shouldn't be surprised by Harry's focusing it on Snape. The man does himself no favours, though Remus is often tempted to tell Harry not to give Snape the pleasure of the credit. Remus doesn't have that comfort, that justification, he just has a job to do. He simply functions, logic takes over, he's back where he was during Sirius' stint in Azkaban. Stuck in his limbo of numb/pain, he waits for it to fade or sharpen, waits for the time when he can either grieve or move on.

Only when the moon is full does he grieve. So as always he waits for the moon.

Tonks is a good friend, he loves her dearly, but in a different way than he loved her cousin. He worries that he is using her, but it seems to bring her comfort and it assuages his own loneliness. Especially after Dumbledore's death. He waits for her to realise that he's a hopeless cause. Working away at winning the war, watching out for Harry. Harry's not a little boy anymore and he's still not told him everything he wanted to. There's so much about the people that loved him that Harry doesn't know.

The final battle comes. So many fall, but victory is theirs. He suspects he's dying, chained to the archway, used as a conduit, succeeding in turning what was meant to be Voldemort's greatest weapon into his downfall. Harry gets his chance, and is not found wanting. The survivors are picking themselves up, tending to the wounded, grieving the dead. Harry's there beside him, unchaining him, asking if he can move. He doesn't think he can but he's distracted, Harry's voice sounds like it's coming from a long way away, other voices from through the Veil are calling to him. They're not whispers anymore. There's a choice to be made, one he's been waiting to make for a long time. He sits in the archway, half in life, half in the beyond. He wishes he had the words to explain to Harry. Turns out he doesn't have to, after all Harry isn't a child anymore.

"When you find him tell him we won, won't you?"

He knows then. A familiar voice wishes proudly for some last words.

"He knows. And he's very proud of you, though not, he suspects as proud as James and Lily are."

"Thankyou."

"Your welcome."

"Any regrets?"

"Not really. Just… There's so much I wanted to tell you. Should have told you. About your parents, about Sirius, about me, about Snape and I never did. Maybe it would have helped, maybe it would've made things worse. I've spent so long waiting for the right moment to say them and here I am, I've run out of time."

"You always told me what I needed to hear."

"At least that's something."

"I'll miss you. I never knew you as well as I wanted to, as I should've done. But I guess everyone thinks that about their family when they're gone don't they?"

"You know, I'm quite sure Dumbledore will have told you this but I want you to remember one thing. Even if it's the only thing you remember of what I've taught you. Can you do that?"

"Of course."

"The ones who love us, never really leave us, and you can always find us in there." He reaches out and touches Harry's heart. A grin breaks across the younger man's face despite the sheen on his eyes. Harry helps him to his feet and they share a hug as equals.

"Ready for your next great adventure."

"Oh yes."

He steps through the veil. No more waiting.