Love, it happens when you are least expecting it.
/
You watch from afar, silently ignoring the urge to walk over there and tell her how you really feel about her, because you are a coward and you can't do it.
The hand on her waist sends your blood boiling, the way she laughs, the way he shows her off proudly, it is all supposed to be you and yet she is there with him. Even in the dim light, she looks radiant, absolutely glowing, looking as beautiful as she ever is.
You know that staring is rude, especially at your boss, yet you can't look away, she is really that captivating. For a split second, she glances in your direction before going back to her conversation. You drown the rest of your drink and walk over to the restroom. You suddenly feel a need to breathe, you need fresh air.
Thankfully, the restroom is clear; you walk over to the sink and open the faucet. You then decide to fix your makeup and that's when you hear the door open and without turning back, you can tell that it's her. It might be a superpower, because you somehow always seem to know.
You ignore her entry, continuing with your makeup when you feel a light brush of her finger on your forearm. It sets your skin on fire, sending a jolt of electricity through your body, just like it does every time she touches you. You exhale loudly before turning around and fixing her with a look.
She smirks at you, when your eyes go wide as you take her appearance in full. She is dressed in red and it reminds you of the phrase Devil in a red dress because it suits her perfectly. You lick your lips, when you see her outfit clinging to her body, making her look more beautiful than she already is.
She leans closer to you and you grip the sink tightly. Her lips brush your ear, sending shivers down your spine, "Like what you see?"
You gulp and manage to nod, and when her lips barely graze your cheek, you let out a small moan at the intoxicating smell of her perfume that hits you like a wave. You feel consumed by a whirl of emotions, mad at yourself for being so weak, love, lust and anger. Her lips brush against your jaw as she slowly nibbles on it. You grip the counter tightly, when you feel your knees buckle at the smallest touch.
"You look very beautiful tonight." She whispers, before joining your lips in for a kiss that slowly grows passionate. You can tell it's going to be slow tonight, just the way she likes and she is going to have you begging for her. You hate yourself for being so weak, for giving in so easily, for not telling her how you really feel.
She pulls apart from the kiss and her chocolate brown eyes are a shade darker. She smiles breathlessly at you, her wavy dark hair a little out of place, her dress ridden up, and her swollen lips and in the dim light she looks absolutely stunning and you kiss her again. Screw it, you think as you can feel her smile into the kiss.
Just one more night and you're going to tell her how you feel.
"You are so beautiful." You whisper as you switch positions and have her pressed up against the counter. You attach your lips at her neck, sucking, nibbling slowly in a pace you know that drives her crazy.
You have been doing this for almost a year and you have done it so many times that you know which moan means more, which place to caress that drives her wild, which place to kiss that makes her knees buckle. Her fingers knot in your hair and now you are flush against each other. You place open mouthed kisses on the skin where her neck meets her shoulder and she arches back, granting you more access.
You grip her tightly on the waist, hoisting her up on the counter and her legs wrap around you, pulling you closer. "Kiss me," She demands and her wish is your command. Your tongues battle for dominance, each stroke sending a wave of pleasure through your body.
You pull back after a much heated make out session and despite the tension in the air, you giggle when you take in your appearance at the mirror. You feel like a teenager, sneaking in make out sessions. You are sneaking out in a way, and your mood falls abruptly at the thought of that.
She is smiling at you; her face looks calm, relaxed at most. This is how she looks when she sleeps next to you, one of your torturous nights, because you weren't able to touch her or hold her after. You close your eyes deeply at the reminder.
Her hand reaches up to brush a strand of hair behind your ear, before she cups your cheek and you open your eyes to meet with mocha brown eyes, staring intently at you. Her gaze falls to your lips and back to your lips again, making your breath hitch in your throat.
She closes the gap between your lips, and this time it is not rushed, it is slow and sensual. Her arms lock around your neck and you moan into her mouth when she strokes the skin there. You pull back, but she still hasn't let go as her lips travel a path south.
There is a commotion outside and you are broken up from the trance that you found yourself in with her. She blinks and the relaxed look vanishes instantly, replacing a look of panic and tension. You bite the inside of your cheek, waiting for the next set of words to fly from her mouth. And sure enough,
"I'll see you tonight at your place, yeah?" She asks, breathless and puts a considerable distance between you two. You feel anger bubble up in your chest, angry at yourself for thinking that this time it would be different but when have you not? Every time you end up feeling kicked.
You nod, collecting your bag and walk away from her, before fixing your dress and makeup. You can feel her gaze upon you, she looks like she wants to say something and you prolong the moment for her to say something, anything but nothing. You don't even offer a goodbye before you are out the door, out from the gathering to your apartment, fighting tears the whole way home.
/
You are lounging on the couch; it's nearly midnight when you hear the knock on the door. You are torn between not wanting to open the door or opening it and tell her how you really feel. You decide to do the latter, picking up courage on the short walk between the couch and the door.
The moment you open it, you feel arms wrap around your neck and you are being pulled into a passionate kiss. Every coherent thought that you had jumps out of the window, and you feel nothing but her.
"Brittany," she moans, closing the door behind with one leg while she pushes your body against the wall. You are a little breathless, and before you could speak up, say anything, something, her lips attach with yours again.
You wrap your arms around her waist and hoist her up, not breaking the kiss. "Bedroom," She whispers and you manage to nod and stifle back a moan when her tongue strokes your bottom lip. You kick open the bedroom door and drop her down on your bed, pulling yourself along with her.
"Did I tell you how beautiful you looked tonight?" You detach your lips from her neck, where you have been ravishing her. She smiles genuinely at you, and its moments like these where you wish you could tell her how you feel. You swallow the lump in your throat and reach up to kiss her.
"Not as you", you tell her. She moans when you nibble on the area right below her ear. Your teeth grazes her skin and you know it's gonna leave a mark, this is the time when she stops you and takes control but this time she is not. You are surprised when she doesn't stop you when you go down on her. Your hands are playing, tugging at the hem of her shirt and she gets the indicator to remove it, and your mind reels when you are revealed with perfect, tanned skin. You gulp at the sight of her toned abdomen and you forget everything but wanting to kiss her skin. Her stomach squirms as you place open mouthed kisses to it and it makes you smile.
You look up into her eyes, searching for any signs of discomfort, but all you see is pure adoration. You feel your heart beat faster in your chest when you hear a soft plea fall from her lips, who are you deny her?
She pulls your head up and kisses you again, slowly yet passionately. You moan and finally break apart for much needed air. You stare at her again, unabashedly at her beauty, the tiny mole right on her shoulder, and you press a kiss to it. Your heart pounds at the thought of how well you know her body, how well you know her, how well you think you would fit together, how the way her fingers tangle with yours and it is like it was made for you. Your heart swells at the thought of you, making love to her. It had always been love making it to you, and even if she doesn't show it, even if she has her eyes closed, when she clutches you close as your fingers stroke her at the most intimate places, you know it is love making to her too. Your heart swells at the sight of her.
"I love you."
You can feel her practically freeze beneath you and suddenly she flips you over now that she is on top of you. She kisses you again, forcefully this time, like she is making you take back your words. Your chest clenches, you said it, finally, and here she is pretending it didn't happen.
"Santana," You gasp as she bites sharply in your bottom lip. "Stop."
"Don't, please…" She says between choked sobs and that's when you realize she is crying. You sit up abruptly, trying to pull her closer to you but she refuses. There is a moment of absolute silence, only the sounds of your ragged breathing from your previous activities.
"Are you okay?" You reach over to her, but she remains stoic in her position, unmoving.
"I have to go." She says abruptly and you watch in confusion as she is suddenly clamoring from the bed and is out in an instant. She scoops her discarded shirt and some you frown even more when she covers herself again. You feel angry, you want to yell, you want to cry but most importantly, you want to hear her say the words back. But you do none of those things as you follow her out of your bedroom and you see her reach for the door.
"Why?" You demand, anger flaring up in your chest- you just confessed how you feel and now she is leaving? Aren't you the one supposed to be doing that?
"I have to go, Brittany" She states emotionlessly and you wrap your hands around her slender wrist, making her turn inches away from your face. Your hand tingles but you choose to ignore that.
"Because I said I love you?"
"No, Brittany, stop. I have to leave" She has never used your full name before. You cringe and let your hand fall from her wrist.
"Fine." You say, blinking back tears.
She leaves without another word and the sound of the door closing is what takes for you to fall down on the floor and cry your eyes out.
/
You get up the next day, albeit grudgingly and take a reflection of yourself. You look like a mess; you feel like a mess so no surprises there.
You think of skipping work, seeing her would be painful after all that's happened but then you want to confront her, pour your heart out so you leave. To your surprise, she is the one who has gone AWOL, only the douche bag of her boyfriend is there, who grins and waves at you. To him, you are just his girlfriend's- you cringe at the thought of that- best friend. If only he knew.
You spend the rest of the day moping around, not bothering to get work done. This is not the first time you have had disagreements with her, it usually ends the next day when she calls you into her office and you settle it with a quick round of makeup sex and all is forgotten. But this is something much more than that. This has never been about the sex, you knew it right from the start when she first kissed you right here in the copier room.
You have seen the way she looks at you, almost the same way you look at her, pure adoration mixed with love. Eleven months, it has been a secret. For six months, you have been hiding your feelings for her, and you have the idea that she already knows. You congratulate yourself for keeping it locked in your chest for this long. You saying it out loud has brought into the light. You remember the day you tried to end your "secret relationship", but that's when you knew that you had real feelings for her, feelings that won't go away for a long time.
Getting into this, you knew you were going to get hurt badly, hurting everyone around you, but this stupid feeling called "love" blindsided you. If this is how you are going to be with her, in a secret, within the four walls in the dark, then this how you will take it.
The clock strikes five, finally, and you bolt from work in search of her. It doesn't take long for you to find her; she is in the rooftop of her apartment, the one special place of hers that she shared with no else but you. You sigh, because aside from this secret affair, she is your best friend. She is you only friend, that has truly got you. The one who understood you, the one to whom you could tell anything and not fear for being judged. She understood your quirks, the way your mind works and most importantly, she always believed in you. She is perfect; to you, for you.
She is sitting near the edge, with a blanket wrapped around her. Even from the back, you can see she is tired; her usual straight posture is down. Your heart breaks at the sight, you just want to wrap your arms around her and protect her from all the evil that is around her. But you can't, not yet, and that frustrates you.
"Hey." You see her stiffen, but she ignores you. "You weren't at work today."
She still isn't answering. You sit next to her; she flinches but doesn't move away. You want to laugh at how absurd this all is, weren't you supposed to be the one who is crying because she never returned your sentiment? Wasn't she supposed to chase you around? But then again, your relationship has never worked the right way.
You both sit there in silence, with her watching straight ahead while you decide to watch her. There are tear streaks on her face. Bags under her eyes clearly indicate that she hasn't gotten much sleep and she looks so tired and broken, that breaks your heart into multiple pieces. You lost count of how many times she has broken your heart, but this sure trumps everything else.
"Why?" It falls from her lips in an exhale and if you weren't watching her, you surely would have missed it.
"Why what?"
"Why do you love me?" She says more clearly this time. You heart stops for a second, before it sets into a sprint. She turns her attention to you, waiting for your answer. A million thoughts rush in your head, but none of it comes out.
"I don't know," you say honestly because that's the truth. If everyone knew the reason why they were falling in love with someone, then there wouldn't be any. Love just happens. You found yours in a twisted way.
She doesn't say anything, she just stares. You break away from her gaze, watching the sunset, pondering about this in your head.
"Damn it," She sighs, her tone bordering into annoyance. You whip your head around, confused. This is all upside down. "Damn it Brittany, you weren't- I can't-"A sob escapes her lips, wrecking her body. Instinct kicks in; you wrap your arms around her shoulders, but she pushes you away. "No! You are not supposed to fall in love with me."
It's your turn to get annoyed. "You can't control that, Santana." Tears roll from her cheeks, and no matter how much you will yourself not to touch her, its failing.
"This can't happen, Britt you know that. I can't do this." She shakes her head, wiping her tears furiously. She gets up but you get a hold of her wrist.
"You think I planned this, Santana? You think I wanted to fall in love with you? You think I wanted us to have an affair behind your boyfriend's back?"
She glares at you, but you can tell that the anger is not directed towards you. You exhale in a sigh; you can practically hear the gears turning around in her head.
"Why didn't you stop then?"
"Same reason as you didn't" You shoot back, stating the fact. It was never friendship between you two; it was something else, something more. You are done fighting it; you wish she would too.
Her demeanor changes. "I can't do this, Britt. You can't be love in with me." She shakes her head as fresh tears fall from her eyes. Those words break your heart and you will yourself not to cry.
"I wish I wasn't in love with you too." You say and she looks at you in pure shock. "But then I wish a lot of things." You laugh, humorlessly. "I wish I could hold your hand in public, Santana. I wish I could call you my girlfriend, I wish I could spend my mornings waking up next to you, kissing you. I wish I could be the one you come home to. I wish I could comfort you, I wish we could have those couple-y fights, make each other laugh, I wish to spend the rest of my life making you smile." Tears are flowing down from your cheeks; this is it. You are telling her how you feel.
You cup her cheek and stroke your thumb softly over it, "I wish you could see that I'm completely in love with you, I wish you could spend the nights with me, comforting me when I'm down, I wish you could share about your day with me, I wish I could spend the rest of my making you feel how you make me feel. I love you, Santana. I'm not going to take it back. I love you."
She wraps her arms around your neck and buries her face in your chest. You drop a comforting kiss to her hair, softly rubbing her back. Her sobs die down after a few minutes, and she looks up at you and despite the awkwardness, you wipe a tear from her face, forgetting about your own tears. This second, everything feels perfect, you told her how you feel although you wish you had done it differently. Your heart's pounding with anticipation, but suddenly you feel free.
"I'm sorry." She says, pulling apart, putting a respectable distance between you two. You chest tightens and the lump on your throat suddenly feels heavy, "I can't." You watch her walk away, and then you feel like that's what you have been doing, watching her walk away from you all the time.
You don't know how you ended up home, but you are magically sitting on your couch, all the while her words replaying in your head.
I'm sorry, I can't.
/
Its' been a week since Santana broke your heart in a rooftop after you poured your heart out, and you still haven't moved from your couch. You're pretty sure your back hurts but the gaping hole in your chest hurts so much more.
Alcohol is your best friend these days, and those two words keep playing in your head, bringing up fresh tears in your eyes every time you think about it. You can't think about anything else, except for her, the nights you spent with her, and always her. You sound like a broken record. It's like Santana is in your veins and you cannot get her out.
You haven't gone to work in a week. You called up with a lame excuse, but you don't care, not anymore. You clutch your phone tightly in your hand, hoping that it will ring, or even have a text message from her saying that she wants to talk, anything, but your phone remains silent all day.
You are watching infomercials, all the while emptying bottles of wine, and repeating those words in your head.
Didn't she love you, at all?
Was it just sex?
You feel used. You feel pathetic.
You cringe at the thought.
/
It's been two weeks and your friend form work shows up, concerned about you.
But you don't care.
Not anymore.
I'm sorry, I can't.
/
It's been three weeks and she is missing from work.
/
It's been a month and you have finally stopped drinking. You hear that her boyfriend has resigned, and it sparks a little hope in you and you feel pathetic for still pining over her.
/
It's been a month and a half.
You hear that he is her ex-boyfriend now.
Your heart flutters at the news but you decide to get a grip on yourself and try to forget her, but that only leads to another empty bottle of wine.
/
It's been four months.
You are now getting ready for work when there is a knock on your door.
You think it's your landlord but to your surprise it's not and this person takes your breath away, and you hate that your heart still skips a beat at the sight of her.
"Britt," Your heart melts at the nickname; it's been so long since you heard it. "Hey" she whispers lamely, almost nervous, a trait you have never seen in her usual confident demeanor. You chest bursts with happiness when you realize that she is here, in front of you, but then it tightens almost immediately when it hits you that she is here.
"Can I come in?" She is fidgeting nervously. You are frozen to your feet, and you forget how to react. You nod dumbly and she smiles hesitantly at you but you think you forgot how to move your muscles.
She gives a small smile at you, but you still can't seem to move. She has her hands clasped in front of her, a nervous tick and then it finally reaches you that, holy shit; she is here. You seem to regain leg movement as you step aside to let her in. She walks past you and her scent hits you like a tsunami, making your head spin. You have gone long without it and you don't think you want to again. You don't think you can handle it again.
She is standing in the middle of your living room, glancing around, shuffling her foot and keeps her gaze away from you but yours are rooted to hers. You watch plump lips move and you hear her soft yet nervous voice, "I know I don't have the right to ask you this, but will you-"
"Damn right, you don't" You are surprised at yourself and she looks taken back by your tone. All the pent up anger finally breaks out of your system. "Why are you here, Santana? Wanted to see how pathetic I am? Wanted to break my heart some more?"
"Britt, I'm so sorry, I-I can explain. Please, just give me one chance and then you can k-kick me out." Her voice falters at the end, and you hate yourself for wanting to comfort her. You cross your arms and just like that, you give in. You hate the hold, that inevitable pull that exists between you two.
You walk past her and settle on the couch, and she stands there transfixed before joining you. There is a large gap between you, and how much you wish you could close it. You haven't seen her in over four months, and you missed her. Every night, when you dreamt of her, of her beauty, of her captivating eyes, of her soft plump lips, of her raspy voice, it did not do justice to the real thing in front you. She looks so beautiful to you now; maybe because you haven't seen her in a long time but you know one thing for sure- she never fails to take your breath away.
There is a silence, an awkward one, and you scratch your head trying to remember if there had ever been one. It had always been comfortable between you two.
She speaks, after a long time. "I broke up with Ja-him" She corrects midway and you are thankful for that, hearing his name always sent you over the edge.
"I heard," You reply, void of emotion. You see her flinch at your tone, but you can't give in, not yet. You need her to explain.
"I told him, about you, about u-us." She smiles at the end, and your lips curl at the top at the mention of an "us" because for a long time she pretended that weren't an 'us', the fact that she acknowledged it makes your heart swell.
You shuffle a tiny bit closer, indicating that you are listening. "He didn't take it well, I didn't expect him to. He couldn't believe it. Neither could I, I mean after you-um, - told me about how you felt, how you had feelings for me, it broke my heart when I said I couldn't Britt, you have to understand. I wanted us to start fresh, a clean slate because I couldn't say yes to you, when I was with him. I'm sorry, Britt. I'm so sorry."
The thought of that day, makes you cry again and through the blur of tears you see that she is tearing up too. You will yourself not to cry.
"I-uh- I packed my bags and I went back home to visit my parents. I needed some time alone, to f-figure things out." Her voice has an edge to it, like she is holding back tears just like you are. You have your gaze set on the carpet covering the floor, because if you looked at her once, her tear-filled eyes, you know the walls would break and you would have cradled in your arms, soothing out her fears. You have your arms crossed, fighting the urge to reach for her hands.
"Did you?" You ask softly.
She looks up questioningly at you. "Huh?"
"Figure things out, I mean." You mumble, still not looking up from the floor.
"Oh." She is silent for a minute, searching for her words. "I went to therapy." She says in a soft whisper, as though embarrassed by it. You finally look up and tilt your head in confusion."I still am." She continues.
"My therapist helped me admit something I wasn't ready to. I'm gay, Britt. I hid the fact that I was; mad at the world and struggling with myself. You brought up those feelings Britt and I'm so thankful that you did. I was with J-him, and though I never was attracted to him, I loved him, Britt. I already hurt you and I didn't want to hurt him. It was comfortable with him, B. I was afraid of the talks and the looks but you made it all better, Brittany." She tilts her head to stare adoringly at you and your chest tightens. "But when you said that you love me, I knew that I didn't want to struggle with myself anymore. I wanted to be proud of myself; I want to be proud of who I am." She pauses, fiddling with her hands again. "I told my parents last week and it's not much but it's a step. I'm trying, Britt. My mom was okay with it, but dad…" She trailed off, her tone indicating that it wasn't good.
You reach for her hand and squeeze it. You can't handle it anymore. She shoots you a thankful smile. She holds your hand tightly, as if you would let it go, but you squeeze it again, because you never want to.
You process her words and it pains that Santana was struggling with herself. You wish you could have helped her. You want to remind her that she is not alone, that you are there with her, for her. Everything makes sense now, to you.
"I'm so sorry, Britt. If I had told you, I know you would have accompanied me but this is something I needed to do this for myself. I feel free; uncontaminated. But I'm so sorry I broke your heart all this time, if only I had…" She breaks away mid-sentence, her eyes filling up with regret as she looks at you.
You scoot closer to her and drop a kiss to her forehead. Being away from her for this long was something achievable to you, but hearing her speak in distress is not something you can handle. You would be there for her, and this time again, you know you are taking a risk by putting yourself out there again, you still haven't heard her fully yet.
"It's okay Santana." You murmur, kissing her forehead again. "You realized it now and that's what matters. It's okay. I'm here, now." You rub your thumb softly over her tan skin and bring her hand up and kiss it. She looks so adoringly at you, almost like how you look at her, and that makes you blush.
"I'm so sorry, Brittany." She speaks softly, "I'm unbelievably sorry and if I could I would do it right with you, because you deserve it, Britt. You deserve so much more."
You drop a kiss to her cheek and rest your lips there. "You do too, Santana." You stroke her cheek with your thumbs and she leans into the touch.
"Do you forgive me?" She looks so small, so unsure of herself and you want to make sure that she never feels the same way again.
"Do you promise not to leave?" You whisper and she shakes her head.
"Never; not until you tell me to," You can hear sincerity ringing in her words and that is enough for you, for now.
"Never," You shift closer, brushing your lips against hers and smile when you hear her let out a tiny gasp. "I'll always want you, Santana."
"Then I'm yours." She murmurs against your lips, effectively melting your heart. She is yours.
You pull back from her lips, not kissing her and she frowns before it turns into a look of rejection. You want to smile at how adorable she looks. You grin teasingly at her, "Where's my speech? I mean, I swept you off with one, so where's yours?"
She suddenly looks shy. "Uh, I'm not that good with words like you are," She somehow always finds a way to compliment you. "But, I would like to show you, if that's okay."
"Show me what?" You wrap your arms around her waist, pulling her on top of you as your back hits the couch.
She grins, albeit shy. "This" she mumbles before leaning down to kiss you. This feels like a start of something new, a promise and a beginning of something great. She is pouring everything she feels into the kiss and you feel every single thing, from your head to toe.
You pull back, dazed from the kiss. "This was way better than my speech," You grin lazily, rubbing circles around her back as she lays her head on your chest.
"Nope, your speech was the best." She giggles and you sigh contently, realizing that this is all perfect.
Just perfect.
"Can I ask you something?" She looks up from your chest, nervous again, but something tells you that this is good nervous.
"Yeah?," you grin encouragingly at her when she darts her eyes nervously. You cup her cheeks and force her to look at you and she exhales loudly.
"Will you be my girlfriend?"
You grin so brightly, "Took you long enough," You breathe, pulling her closer to you and she lets out a squeal before kissing you again.
/
You take her to bed, and later in the night, you talk about everything and nothing, you enjoy your reunion with her, reacquainting yourself with her perfect body. You make her scream, you make her laugh, you make her giggle and she makes you feel everything.
You are in love and you are being loved.
After another tiring round of passion, you pull her close to you as she is coming down from her high, to rest her head against your chest and she wraps her arm around you while her leg is resting on your thigh. She speaks, almost in a sleep induced state,
"Britt?"
"Hmm?"
"If it wasn't clear before, I'm so insanely in love with you too." She is grinning goofily at you as you pull her impossibly closer and murmur the three words back at her, painting the promise of it on her lips.
There are no walls, not anymore, no barriers- just you and her. You don't know much, but you do know that you will be waking up to her the next morning, the morning after that, and the morning after that,…until infinity.
/
Fin.