I've Been Lost A Long While
Max died a year ago today, the message begins, and Magnus immediately furrows his eyebrow.
Before you decide to stop reading the rest of this and email me back to tell me about how you have no clue who Max is, that's okay. You're not supposed to.
My name is Alec. That's all I'm giving you. I'm sorry that I'm bothering you, and I'm sorry you have to read this and deal with it. But below I'm going to list a few email addresses, and a week after you receive this, I want you to send this to those emails.
I know you have questions; I just hope you're still reading. I know that if I were to be in your place, I wouldn't. I would've deleted it right away, without even caring. I guess that makes me selfish.
I'm going to start off with the most basic fact here. I am homosexual. If the rest is going to bother you, I'm extremely sorry. You can delete this right now, and you can stop reading. It won't really matter anyway.
It'll be too late.
Back when I was only 12, my family adopted a complete and utter asshole named Jace. Imagine Donald Trump. Now imagine an even bigger asshole. That's my adoptive brother right there. He's extremely good-looking, but the downside is that he knows. He knows just how attractive he is, and he does everything to flaunt it.
You can imagine the multitude of girls I've seen sneaking out of the house in 2 years. Sophomore year and Junior year were not really nice to Jace.
I don't know if you were able to read between the lines, but I was in love with the guy. I still am.
But a year ago, when I was only 18, Max died. Max, my younger brother who never reached the age of 10, died after being hit by a car. it sucked balls, much like myself.
I'm sorry. I'm really horrible at jokes. I've never been big on jokes.
I guess I just want to make at least one person laugh in my life.
But yeah. Max died, and I felt like the world was going to be over. Even before his funeral, I knew my mom and dad were going to get divorced. I don't know how I knew, I just did.
My little sister, Iz, looked like she was ready to just tear out her hair, rip everything apart, and just... scream. Scream so loud, maybe Max up in Heaven could've heard her.
And I don't even know how to describe Jace. He looked... broken. That's the only word I can think of it. Broken. He looked the way he did the first time he came to our house: as if everything in the world had lost meaning.
At the funeral, Mom cried really hard on Dad's shoulder. The divorce did not mean there was no love between them, they keep telling us. The divorce means they've just changed in ways that are no longer compatible.
At the funeral, though, there was this strange couple, both wearing jeans and hoodies. They went up to the coffin and lowered something into it, looking utterly devastated.
Neither, Iz, Jace, or I had ever seen them.
When my little brother was lowered into the ground, the three of us cornered the two of them. The girl's name was Clary; the guy was Simon.
"We knew Max," they told us. He would always pop into Clary's stepfather's book store.
I want to say that nothing changed that day. But I'm not a liar.
For the first time, Jace was staring at a girl differently. Clary was staring at him like he was beautiful, of course; you'd be a fool to say otherwise. But there was something else in the way she was staring at Jace, almost as if she could see through the beautiful to... something. I don't know what.
I was never allowed more than the beautiful.
It's not even Clary's reaction that was important. It's Jace's.
He was staring at her. Really staring at her. Usually Jace always looked bored whenever he stared at girls, but with Clary...
He'd never looked more awake.
I find it kind of ironic really. Jace found his happiness on the day we were acknowledging the saddest thing in our lives.
But then, 3 months later, Iz was dating the guy named Simon. I smiled; of course I did. These were my siblings. They had found people who they were so in love with, they would do anything for them.
Iz would kill for Simon; Jace would burn the world for Clary.
I couldn't have been happier for them.
But deep down inside, my own heart and soul, I was still the most selfish person in the world. I wanted my own happiness now. I wanted someone who would burn down the world for me; someone who would go to any and every length for my happiness. For once in my life, I wanted to just be free.
But instead I was harboring secrets. I never told anyone of my sexuality. My parents would be disappointed and my siblings would consider me a freak.
Clary knows though. Somehow, she found out. But I don't care. Because of her, I've lost the two siblings I could've grieved with.
I could've remembered Max with them.
Instead, because of Clary and Simon, Iz and Jace had forgotten Max, and it was all my job to remember the little bugger.
And let me tell you, it hurt. It hurt so so much.
I can barely walk down the hall without remembering his sweet, sad smile and twinkling eyes. He could've fallen asleep anywhere, that little boy.
If you've read up to this point, I'm so sorry for wasting your time. You didn't need to be given into my burden.
My existence is a burden. I can't do it anymore. The crushing weight is too much. The voices are too much. Today, I'm going to jump. I already know which bridge will begin my next journey; I just don't know where it'll lead me. But that's okay.
That's perfectly okay.
I've already burnt all my stuff. Any pictures that I was in were disposed of. It's a good thing I was never into taking pictures.
They shouldn't be burdened with remembering me.
I told you earlier that I'm going to list a set of email addresses I need you to forward this to. It's my family. They should get some kind of goodbye.
I just want to apologize. For being born a freak. For not being good enough for the world. For not having saved Max. For being so goddamn selfish that I'm actually wishing my siblings would suffer as well.
I'm sorry. I'm just...
Sorry.