THIS STORY USES JACE AND CLARY FROM TMI. THEY ARE SHADOWHUNTER'S IN THIS STORY. I HAVE USED MOST OF CASSANDRA CLAIRES CHARACTERS IN THIS STORY BUT HAVED ADDED A FEW OF MY OWN. I WON'T GO INTO EXACT AGES FOR THE CHARACTERS BUT FOR THE MOST PART ALL CHARACTERS ARE ANYWHERE FROM SIX MONTHS TO A YEAR AND A HALF APART. THIS STORY IS ALL FROM JACE'S POV. PLEASE REVIEW AND COMENT.
WITH LOVE
~N~
I'm lying in my bed listening to music when I hear a light knocking on my open door frame and when I look up I see Clary standing there looking at me.
"Hey, what up?"
"Nothing much. What are you doing in here?" She says shyly.
"listening to music; there's nothing else to do on this shitty day. I wish it would stop raining."
She just stands there in the doorway; not inside of my room and not in the hallway, she is stuck in limbo. I find myself internally chuckling at my stupid thoughts as I stare at this short red haired girl with piercing green eyes. Those green eyes of hers; always so alert and full of curiosity, they haunt me most nights when I have trouble falling asleep. I find myself so lost in thought that her voice makes my muscles jump.
"Is this kings of leon?"
"Yep."
"I thought that was what I could hear when I came down the hall. I recognized the vocals but I don't think I know this song. What's the name of it?"
"Black Thumbnail; it's off of the album Because Of The Times."
"I'm not familiar with that album; is it one of their older ones?"
"Yeah."
"Do you just have that album?"
"No I think I have three or four of their albums."
"Oh that many; I didn't even know you liked them."
"I like a lot of bands Clary."
"Really like what bands?"
"You can come in if you want to you know? You don't have to stand in the doorway."
It surprises me that I just invited her into my room; normally I don't let people in my room. Hell, normally I don't even like someone even just standing in my door way but I already told her she could come in so I guess I will just feel it out; I can always ask her to leave if I decide I don't want her in here. I keep my eyes glued to her as she slowly walks towards the chair on the other side of my bed and sits down; crossing her legs and brushing her hands over her skirt as she glances absently around my room. I think this is the first time I have seen her legs; usually she wears jeans all the time. Usually I enjoy seeing her dressed in a tight pair of jeans but this skirt is quite interesting to look at. With her sitting down I can see half of her pale thigh from the angle I am lying in my bed. I can also see that she is bare foot; dear god her feet are tiny, everything about this girl is tiny.
"Are you sure it's okay that I am in your room Jace?"
"Yeah…it's fine."
"You usually don't let people in here…are you going to answer my question?"
"Huh? What question? You asked me a question?"
She lets out the softest laugh I think I have ever heard from her lips before and I can't help but smile when she covers her mouth in embarrassment. Why is she embarrassed? She has a lovely laugh.
"What bands do you like?"
"Oh…sorry. Um…you know it would probably take less time to tell you what bands I don't like."
"Oh…"
"What bands do you like Clary? Maybe we like some of the same?"
"Well this one; kings of Leon; they are good. Um…saving abel, pop evil, banks, MCR; a lot of bands actually. I guess it depends on my mood."
"I can relate. How about stone sour; do you like them?"
"I don't know if I know who they are, maybe, what songs do they sing?"
I quickly scroll through my playlist on my Ipod and push play.
"This is stone sour; the songs called bother."
I watch her from the corner of my eye as she listens to the song; she taps her index finger against her bare knee. She bites her bottom lip as her eyes close in concentration and I feel my pulse quicken before I tear my eyes away from her.
"Oh yeah! I've heard this song before."
"It's good."
"Yeah…"
"Clary? Can I tell you something without you slapping the shit out of me?"
"Why would I hit you Jace? I would never hurt you."
The way she put emphasis on the word hurt makes me think that she has more meaning behind the word than just physically. Maybe I'm crazy? Maybe it's just wishful thinking on my part? Maybe my hormones are raging out of control because there is a girl sitting in my room; not just any girl but this green eyed girl that makes my pulse race any time I am near her. Maybe if I don't say something to her in the next couple of seconds she will end up leaving.
"I figured you would listen more girly music."
There's that quite laugh again.
"What exactly is girly music?"
"You know; 1D, Taylor Swift, Beyonce; stuff like that."
"I like those bands sometimes; like I said it all depends on my mood."
"Got ya." I risk making her uncomfortable by winking at her. Either she didn't see me do it or she chose to ignore it; come to think of it she never responds whenever I wink at her.
"Do you know who Robyn is?"
"Robin Williams? The comedian?"
She covers her smile as she laughs softly again. I wish she wouldn't do that; I want to reach over and pull her hand from her mouth but remain still instead.
"No, no…the Robyn I'm talking about is a singer. She is I guess what you would consider girly music."
"Oh, sorry…no I don't think I have heard of her before. Why do you ask?"
"Well you were listening to kings of leon when I came in here and it made me think of one of her songs."
"What? Kings of leon are in no way a girly music band!"
"I didn't say they were."
"You're confusing me."
"Sorry…"
Shit! I think I might have hurt her feelings; now I'm worried that she might leave if I don't say the right thing to her. She is wringing her fingers as she stares at her lap; she always wrings her fingers when she is nervous.
"Tell me what made you make that connection." I whisper softly to her; hoping to calm her nerves.
Her green eyes are looking right at me; they look surprised by my soft tone.
"They did a cover of one of her songs."
"Who did? Kings of leon?"
"Yes."
"Which song?"
"Dancing on my own."
"I didn't know that. Is it a good song?"
"Very good! Robyn's version is very upbeat and dance-y, but when Kings of Leon sing it, it's really slow and soulful, it's really pretty actually."
Her tone started off excited but ended almost dreamy; as though she we hearing the music in her head. As though she were playing both songs back to back in her mind where the first one is upbeat and the second one is slow and soulful.
"Where did you hear it?"
"YouTube. I'm kind of addicted to YouTube."
I lean over the side of my bed and pull my laptop out from underneath it. After turning on my laptop and pulling up the website I set my computer beside me.
"Come here Clary."
Her green eyes go wide as she looks at me.
"On your bed? Why?" I fight the urge to grin at her high pitched questions.
"Show me the song; I'm not going to bite you."
After almost a full minute she gets out of the chair and sets down on my bed with her legs crossed. She pulls my laptop onto her lap and quickly types away at the keys before tapping the mouse button and holds out the laptop towards me. Instead of taking it from her; I just roll to my side and look at the screen as the song begins to play. I do my best to focus on the music with my body this close to hers. Being this close to her I can smell her hair and her clean skin; my pulse quickens again. I shift my body a couple of inches closer to her and I can feel her body heat near my elbow. After the song ends; I reach over and push the button on the mouse to play it again and can't help but notice how her body tenses when I accidentally brush her thigh with the back of my hand.
"Sorry…I just wanted to hear it again; it's really good."
"I know; I love it. The way he sings it gives me goose bumps; I wish they would record it so I didn't have to listen to it on YouTube all the time."
I keep focused on the song better as it plays for the second time; I'm surprised when I feel the flesh on my arms tingle as I listen to the vocals. I can't tell whether the bumps on my skin are from the song or from being so close to this green eyed girl. Her question snaps me out of thought.
"Do you want to hear the original version?"
"Yes please."
I watch her tiny fingers as she types the keys on the laptop and can't help but wonder what her fingers would feel like if she ran them through my hair. Christ Jace! Get a grip.
"I definitely like the kings of leon version of that song better."
"Yeah me too. Here's your laptop back."
"What other videos do you watch on here?"
She sets my computer back on her lap and begins to type away into the search box. She shows me quite a few videos and we both add our comments and opinions to each one. Before you know it almost a full hour has past; and she is noticeably more relaxed. She doesn't even seem to notice that my forearm is lightly touching her bare thigh; I on the other hand am so distracted by this fact that I find it extremely challenging to concentrate on the music she is playing for me.
"Here you go Jace; why don't you pick something. I'm drawing a blank for something else to listen to."
"The battery is almost dead anyhow so I guess I will just put it away."
She hands it back to me and I close my laptop and slide it back under the bed before rolling back on my side to look up at Clary as she continues to sit on my bed.
"Now what do you want to do?" I ask her.
"What? I-I…nothing!" there's that high pitched tone again.
Her green eyes burn into mine when I grab her wrist, preventing her from jumping off of my bed and bolting out of my room. I don't want her to leave yet; even though we have only really talked about music I am enjoying her company. I am actually surprised by the fact that I feel perfectly at ease with her not just in my room but sitting on my bed. As close as I am to Alec; I don't even let him in here. The only time Alec comes in here at all is to drop of clean laundry.
"What's wrong? You're not leaving me are you Clary?" I should be ashamed by the sound of seduction in my voice; yet I find it almost humorous because of her reaction to my previous question.
"I-I should probably go to bed it's getting late and I know you don't really want me in here anyway."
"Yes I do; I want you here. Why would you think I didn't want you in my room? Besides it's not even nine o'clock yet and tomorrows Saturday."
"Because you never let anyone in your room. Alec told me you don't like people in your room. Alec is your parabitai and you don't even let him in here…so…"
"I guess you're right. I never do let anyone in here do I? I think you are the first person who has ever been in my room for more than two minutes."
"Exactly; so I will go before I overstay my welcome. Thank you for letting me listen to music with you."
Once again her green eyes burn into me as I grab ahold of her wrist to keep her from leaving.
"Please don't go; I don't want you to go." God I sound so pathetic.
"Why?"
Instead of letting her go; I slide my hand down her wrist and lace my long fingers between her tiny ones.
"I like talking to you; we never get much time to talk."
Her fingers are frozen in place. She makes no attempt to remove her hand from mine but neither does she make the attempt to curl her fingers around my hand. She won't even look down at our hands; like if she doesn't look then it's not really happening or something. I fight the urge to laugh at her; her refusal to acknowledge me holding her hand reminds me of a little kid that covers their eyes or hides under the blankets when they are scared.
"You like talking to me? I thought you hated me."
"Hate you? Why would you think I hated you Clary? That makes me sad that you think that."
Her hand tenses in mine as she looks at me.
"I don't know. I'm sorry I said that. I guess maybe I thought you didn't like me because you never talk to me outside of the training room or even when we all go to Taki's."
"I never really get the chance to talk to you. Usually the only time I see you is when we are in the training room. It seems like anytime I come across you in the library or the greenhouse or pretty much anywhere here in the institute you make a swift exit whenever I walk into the room. I guess I figured you maybe didn't care for me."
"That's not true. I won't deny the fact that I usually leave when I you walk into the room but I assure you that has nothing to do with you. I guess I can be shy sometimes; awkward even. Maybe I would be less awkward to be around you if you were around more but you really aren't around much. Where do you disappear to all the time Jace?"
"Disappear? What do you mean?"
I am elated that she continues to allow me to hold her hand in mine as we talk.
"Usually when I walk past your room you aren't here. Where do you go all the time?"
"Out, I like to go for walks a lot."
"Walks huh? I thought you were at the club all the time."
"Well yeah sometimes I go to the club but probably not as much as you think."
"Oh…"
I hear her breath catch as I begin to trace small circles onto the palm of her hand with my thumb. I give her a small smile as I look up at her and am rewarded when she returns my smile with one of her own. This time when she puts her hand over her mouth I reach up with my other hand and gently pull it away.
"Please don't cover your smile Clary. You have a beautiful smile."
I was hoping to get another smile from her when I said that but instead her mouth drops open and her eyes go wide with shock. I now have both of her hands in each one of my own as I look into her eyes.
"You think I have a nice smile?"
"I didn't say that. I said you have a beautiful smile."
"You think I have a beautiful smile?"
"Yes, I do…you're a beautiful girl Clary and when you smile your eyes light up; let me tell you it's something to see that's for sure."
I'm not really sure what kind of reaction I was expecting from her but what she does is not at all what I wanted her to do. She yanks her hands free from my grip and jumps off of my bed in a flash and her green eyes are full of anger when she looks at me.
"Clary? What's wrong?"
"Why are you being cruel to me Jace? Is this some sort of game you are playing?"
Confusion clouds my thoughts as I watch her slowly backing towards the open door to my room. I Jump up off of the bed and with two quick strides of my long legs I wrap my hands around her tiny waist as I push her against the wall near my doorway.
"Please Clary. Please don't leave. I'm not being cruel; I'm not playing a game. Please believe me."
"You really think I'm beautiful? Why would you think that? I've seen some of the girls you talk to at the club; those girls are beautiful but not me."
"The world is full of beautiful girls Clary. You're right the girls at the club are nice to look at; but you're crazy if you think for one second that you aren't beautiful. You say that you feel awkward around me; please try not to feel that way. You have been in my room for over an hour now and I think you are doing just fine. In fact I haven't noticed you once being as you say awkward; a little shy but not awkward."
She is trying to read my face as I continue to hold her small waist between my hands. I do my best to let her see into my eyes; usually I keep my eyes guarded. I usually have a brick wall built up around me for protection but right now that wall is gone and right now she can see everything in me if she looks hard enough. This fact almost scares me but at the same time I find myself almost excited by the fact that I want her to see me. I want Clary to see who I really am; to know that there is more to me than what I portray every day. Her green eyes soften as she raises her hand to my face; she lightly presses her fingers against my cheek and I can't help but lean my face into her tiny palm.
"Jace…" Her whisper is so low I almost don't hear my name escape from her mouth.
"You are so beautiful Clary." I whisper just as softly as I inch my body closer to hers; another half of an inch and our bodies would be touching.
"I must be better at hiding my nerves than I thought I was because I have been a ball of nerves since I stepped foot in your room. The fact that you are saying those nice things to me, only make me feel more nervous. I'm not the kind of girl you usually…"
"Usually what?"
I slowly turn my head and kiss the inside of her palm as I continue to look into her eyes.
"I-I…I don't know…"
"Please don't be nervous; I don't want you to feel uncomfortable around me Clary."
Her hand drops from my face as I place my hands on either side of hers and press my body against hers. My lips are so close to hers that I can feel her breath on my face and I can smell her toothpaste.
"Clary…" I whisper.
"I don't know how…" She whispers softly.
"Don't know how to what Clary?"
"Anything…I've never even kissed someone before."
Hearing her say those words answer so many of my questioning thoughts about her. Now I know. This green eyed girl is so pure and so innocent I feel like just having my hands pressed against her face somehow leaves a smear of dirt on her pale skin. I fight the urge to remove my hands from her face as I look at her. I really should tell her to leave my room before I do something to taint her innocence. The greedy part of me refuses to speak the words that she should hear instead of the ones that leave my mouth.
"I could show you. Do you want me to kiss you Clary?"
"Yes please."
I'm shocked with a wave of fear at her answer. Her words were clear as she spoke them and she bravely kept her eyes locked on mine. I thought for sure she would have ran screaming from my room at my question. I heard the tone of my voice when I said I could show her. Fuck I have a mental image of an evil villain in my head at my tone; the only thing I forgot to add to what I said to her was to tell I had a piece of candy for her. Her brave answer has me almost choking on my fear. I have never felt this kind of fear before when it comes to girls; not even the first girl I ever kissed at the age of twelve. Holy shit! My blood is pounding in my ears and my breathing is much faster than it should be right now. What is going on with me? I need to get a grip on myself; I need to be careful when I kiss her. If I kiss her the way I really want to right now she will run from the room screaming. I lightly caress her cheek as I calm my nerves before leaning my head down; our lips are just the fraction of an inch from touching. Her warm minty breath feels heavenly against my lips. I close my eyes as my lips brush against hers; her lips are soft and moist as she returns my kiss. I keep my kiss gentle as my lips move against hers. As much as I want to continue to kiss her sweet mouth my mind stops my lips from moving anymore.
"Are you sure you have never kissed anyone before Clary?"
"No, you're the first person I have ever kissed. Be honest; how bad was it?"
"It wasn't bad. It was good; very good actually. At least for me it was anyhow."
Her shy smile and the pink color that is washed over her pale cheekbones makes my heart begin to pound in my chest. She's just looking at me as she continues to smile at me. Is her stomach flipping too? I see her blood pounding in her veins; can she see that mine is pounding too? I wish she would say something; anything really.
"Did you like it Clary? Maybe I'm the terrible kisser here."
"No you're not…I liked the way you kissed me; it's just like I imagined it would be."
"You've thought about kissing me?"
"Yes…I just never thought I would actually get to kiss you Jace."
My body presses tighter against hers as I consume her lips with my mouth. Her soft moan surprises me and I hear my own moan escape my throat as her small fingers tangle into my blond hair. She gasps loudly and breaks our kiss when my tongue slides into her mouth and I freeze.
"I-I'm sorry Jace…I guess I didn't expect that…I'm sorry if I ruined it."
"Shh…you didn't ruin it. It's my fault; I shouldn't have done that. You're just such a good kisser I guess I forgot you have never done this before. I'm sorry Clary."
"You think I'm a good kisser?"
"Yes I do. Kissing you is…I have never…the way you…shit I can't even talk right…"
Now it's her turn to consume my lips with her mouth. My words gave her new found confidence as I feel her tongue slide across my bottom lip where I meet it with my own. Our tongues and our lips move hurriedly as our hands slide over each other's bodies. My heart is pounding fast and I can hear blood rushing in my ears as soft moans escapes her throat. Clary knots the fingers on one of her hands into my hair as she uses her other hand to push my body back towards my bed. When my knees bump against the mattress a low growl escapes my mouth as I pull her on top of me when I lower myself onto the bed. Her small hands slide down my body and I feel her fingers lift the hem of my t-shirt before I feel her warm hands against my stomach. I am completely lost in her kiss and every nerve in my body is aware of her hands on my bare skin. I slide my long fingers under the hem of her pale yellow sweater so I can feel her soft skin under my hands.
Her mouth moves fast and hungry against mine and she begins to moan as her hips begin to roll against mine. I feel blood pooling to my shaft at an alarming rate; I can't stop it from happening. The growl that comes from Clary as she feels my hardness pressed between her pale thighs stops me in my tracks and I break our kiss.
"Whoa…maybe we should slow down."
"Why? Don't you want to Jace?"
"Want to what Clary?"
Her body tenses as she cast her eyes down. Her whispers are so low I have to strain to hear what she says.
"Have…you know…have sex."
"Don't you think you're moving a little too fast Clary?"
In a flash I have her small body pinned underneath mine to keep her from running from my room. Her eyes are full of shame and tears as I look down at her. I gently kiss her between her coppery eyebrows in the attempt to soothe her. I pull back to look at her only to see a tear stream down her cheek and I feel a lump form in my throat when the look of shame remains evident in her green eyes. I kiss her tear away from her eye before bringing my lips to her ear.
"Please don't be ashamed Clary. Please don't cry."
"I'm sorry…" She sobs.
I take her face in my hands as I look into her sad eyes. I do my best to keep my golden eyes soft along with my words.
"You don't have anything to be sorry for; please don't be sorry. I would just be sick if you did something you didn't want to do. Please understand that I am in no way making fun of you by saying this Clary: but you are new to all of this and trust me when I tell you that your hormones are outweighing your thoughts right now."
"This is what I want." She whispers.
"Clary, listen to me…"
"It's all I can think about Jace. You're all I can think about. I dream about you every night; I dream about you kissing me. I dream about your hands on my body. I dream about you…I want you Jace…please…"
At first her words were rushed but by the time she finished speaking they were low and full of doubt. Not doubt in what she says she wants from me but doubt that I would give her what she thinks she wants; doubt that I return her feelings. Instead of telling her that I want the same things she wants I brush my lips across hers a few times before settling in for a deep kiss. I use my lips and my tongue to try to tell her how much I want her. If only she knew how much having my body pressed against hers and my mouth on hers affected my body. How just the gentle brush of her lips against mine makes my head spin with dizziness. The overwhelming pressure to be slow and gentle with her makes me stop kissing her. She needs to hear the words. She deserves to hear me speak the words that she so bravely spoke moments ago.
"I dream about you too Clary. I can't get you out of my head. Every time I close my eyes all I can see is your green eyes; your red hair; your sweet smile. I swear I can hear your soft laughter at the most random times even though you are nowhere close enough to me for that to be possible. I am completely and totally consumed by you Clary. Every waking second of the day and every minute of sleep is you."
Tears fill her green eyes once again as she knots her hands in my hair. I don't want her to cry; I want her to smile.
"Please don't cry…" I whisper softly as I stroke her cheek with my thumb.
"Please Jace…I want this; I want you."
I can see in her eyes how much she really does want this; how much she has thought about this moment. Blood races in my veins at the thought of what is about to happen in my room. I have never had a girl in my room. I have never had a girl in my bed. There is in fact a girl in my room as well as in my bed; not just a girl but Clary. She is so good and so pure that I am overwhelmed by what she is asking of me.
"You want me to take away your virginity? You can't take that decision back Clary; once it's done it's done. Are you sure this is what you want?"
"No I don't want you to take my virginity; I want to give it to you. I don't like to use the words taken or lost when it comes to my virginity."
A lump forms in my throat once again at her honesty; at her bravery. There are so many things I want to say to her right now but the look of shame is beginning to return to her eyes as I continue to look at her. Before there is full blown shame in her eyes I plant a light kiss on her lips before I kiss a slow path from the corner of her mouth all the way to her ear. I use my teeth to pull her ear into my mouth and my whole body shivers when she softly moans as I nibble her ear. A small groan escapes my mouth as her hands slip under my shirt. Her hands are soft and warm on my stomach. Her fingernails drag through the line of hair that runs from my naval all the way down to my shaft. My body shivers again when I feel her fingers curl around the buckle of my belt. I can feel her small body moving underneath mine; she is trying to unpin her legs from underneath mine. I press my body tighter against hers to keep her still; I know if I allow her to free her legs she will wrap her pale thighs around my hips, and right now I just can't let her do that.
I am fully aware that my bedroom door remains wide open and that I need to stop kissing her so that I can shut it and turn the lock on the handle. I continue to kiss her soft lips as I lace my fingers into her soft hair. I want to run my hands all over her body but I need to go slow; I need to take my time. This beautiful girl deserves to have her first time be gentle and unhurried by my greediness for her body. The truth of the matter is; part of the reason why I am keeping my hands off of her body is because I'm scared. I can't let her know that I'm afraid; if she knows that I'm scared then she will get scared and I don't want that. I have been with so many girls; I have done so many different things with girls- things I would be embarrassed to even tell Clary about let alone do to her. That being said what is about to happen with Clary I have never even come close to doing. What if I hurt her? What if she doesn't like how I touch her? Do I have enough willpower to control myself? Can I keep a slow pace with this sweet girl to make this special for her? The anxiety begins to take over my body as she continues to run her hands over my ribs. Her kisses become hungrier as her hands move around my waist and her nails dig into the skin on my lower back. I gasp as I break our intense kiss to look into her eyes.
"Are you sure this is what you want? We can slow down; we don't have to do anything but kiss for tonight. There is no reason why you should rush this Clary."
"Please Jace; please, this is what I want."
"I need to go lock the door okay?"
Her head jerks to look at my open bedroom door and her cheeks turn bright red as she realizes that anyone could walk by and see us at any moment. I brush a lock of her hair off of her face and plant slow kisses down the length of her throat.
"You should definitely go lock the door now Jace." Her voice is so raspy that it makes my body shudder.
Before I can get lost in this beautiful girl I quickly slide my long body off of her small frame and lock my door after closing it. When I turn around my breath catches in my chest as I take in the sight of Clary lying on my bed. Up until an hour ago; I had no idea just how much I wanted this girl. Everything I have ever known, every attempt at keeping myself closed off and hidden from people is completely gone when she smiles sweetly at me from across the room. When I feel my mouth turn up into a smile her smile grows larger and she reaches her thin arms out to me; beckoning me to return to her body. I slowly walk back towards my bed as my eyes drink her in; she is so perfect. Standing at the edge of the bed I do my best to hide my nerves and give her a sexy smile as I pull my t-shirt off. I can do this; I can make this moment special for her.
The complete look of faith and trust that she gives me is enough to calm my nerves as I lower myself onto the bed. I keep my eyes locked on hers as I use my hand to pull her thighs apart so that I can slide my body between her pale legs. I continue to look at her as I slip one of my hands under her sweater; her skin is soft and warm under my fingers. I use my other hand to grip her small thigh in my fingers. Loosening my grip on her thigh; I slowly run my hand up the length of her leg until my fingers grip her small hip as I capture her mouth in mine for a slow kiss. As I kiss her sweet mouth my hands are on her body and I feel my panic begin to rise once again. My large hand covers the span of her tiny waist as my other hand grips what feels like half of her body. Dear god she is so small; how can I do this? How is it possible for me not to hurt this tiny girl with my body? She feels so small and so fragile under the size of my body. My whole body goes rigid when I feel her loosen my belt buckle. She can feel the resistance in my body and her hands still as she breaks our kiss.
"Jace? What's wrong?"
"I-I…Clary…I'm sorry… I don't think I can do this. I don't know if I can give you what you want."
"Why? Please Jace…please I…"
My hurried words cut off her sad pleading.
"I'm scared Clary. I don't want to hurt you. Look at me; look at you. Dear god, you are so damn tiny and I am so…so damn afraid of hurting you."
"I trust you Jace. You're not going to hurt me. You should give yourself more credit then you are right now. Yes you are strong and powerful; I've seen the damage that you can inflict with your size. I have also seen how gentle you can be; I have seen your strong hands pick a delicate flower off of a plant without crushing it between your long fingers. Remember that day we were training in the park and you put that baby bird back into its nest? You were so slow and gentle when you picked it up. Please don't be afraid to touch me; please just try…please…"
She wraps her legs around my hips and pulls our bodies tightly together as she locks her ankles together behind me. I place my hand on her face as I look into her eyes and caress her cheeks with my thumbs.
"You know I'll stop if you want me to…I would never push you…I would never…"
"Kiss me Jace…"
She doesn't wait for my response; she pulls my mouth to hers and kisses me hard on the lips as she squeezes her thighs tighter around my body. I allow her to continue to kiss me wildly for a few moments longer before I pull away from her mouth.
"Slow…okay…we need to go slow Clary." I warn.
Her eyes tell me that she understands the need for us to go slow as I caress her face. I slowly run my fingers over her face and down her neck as I look down at her tiny nose; there is a light spray of freckles across her nose and cheeks that I now have the pleasure of seeing up close. I want to count each one of her freckles; I want to see how much more of her pale skin is covered with them. I start to kiss her face gently with just the brush of my lips; working my way down her neck. My lips travel behind her ear where I run my tongue along her soft skin.
"You smell so good Clary…" I whisper.
I run my tongue down her neck; stopping at her collarbone where I begin to gently suck the sensitive skin there. Her soft moans sound like music to my ears as her warm hands run over my bare chest. I slide my hand down the length of her slim body and curl my fingers under her sweater to feel her skin. I stop my sucking and look at her as my hand slides higher up her waist; lifting her shirt up as I go and pause just under her breast.
"Can I take this off Clary?"
"Yes." She breathes.
I lift my chest off of hers as I pull her sweater off of her body while my eyes are locked onto her face. After tossing her shirt onto my bedroom floor I begin to lower my eyes down to her chest. She has on a plain white bra that covers her small breasts. I think I have seen every color and style of bra on the market but this simple white bra on this green eyed girl is the sexiest thing I think I have ever seen. Even over the pounding rain on my window I can still hear her shallow breaths as I continue to look at her body. When I place my hand on her chest between her breasts; I feel the muscles in her body trembling under my touch. Not knowing if her trembling is a good or bad reaction to my touch; I lower my head and plant light kisses on her soft skin. I want to kiss a path down her body but her legs are too tight around my body to allow me to move any lower than between her breasts. I carefully slide my fingers over the fabric of her bra; feeling her nipple harden under my touch as she moans loudly. Taking my time I lower the top of her bra slightly so that I can kiss her skin. When I run my tongue over the top of her breast I feel her fingers knot in my hair and I feel her hips lift off of the mattress as she grinds her body against mine.
I take my time kissing my way across her chest to her other breast. When I bravely slide my fingers under the fabric of her bra to touch her nipple her grinding becomes more forceful and her moans come faster. The way she moves her tiny body against mine along with the sounds of pleasure that she makes tells me how bad she really wants this to happen. Keeping my hand under her bra I slide my hand behind her back making sure to pause my eager fingers at the clasp.
"Can I take this off too?"
When she doesn't answer I look up at her sweet face only to see the look of embarrassment in her green eyes.
"What's wrong Clary?"
"No one's ever seen me before."
"Do you want me to stop?"
"No, I don't want to stop. It's okay, you can take it off."
"Are you sure? You don't look like you're sure."
"Just a little intimidated I guess. I know I'm not the kind of girl you're used to seeing naked."
I quickly close my eyes and kiss her mouth before she can see the look of anger in my eyes. As I kiss her; her body reacts in the opposite direction of my intentions. I wanted my kiss to soothe her and make her tense muscles relax; instead I feel her body go rigid underneath mine. My first thought is to stop kissing her and attempt to reassure her with my words but decide to approach her anxiety from a different angle. Bravely I unclasp her bra and smoothly remove it from her body; tossing it to the floor. I feel her arms leave my chest as she covers her bare chest with her small hands. Lifting my body from hers; I shift so that I my weight is on my knees. When I place my hands on top of her trembling fingers I look into her eyes; seeing the look of embarrassment full blown in her eyes as her cheeks blaze with color.
"Please don't be embarrassed to have me see you. I'm not even worthy of seeing your beautiful body as it is; let alone for you to feel shame about it."
"What do you mean you're not worthy? Why would you say that Jace?"
"You are so pure and untouched and I am absolute filth compared to you. I am the one who should be ashamed to see you; ashamed to touch you, and ashamed to mark your skin with my filthy hands."
Anger flares in her green eyes as she pulls her hands away from her naked chest. My stomach flips violently at the sight of her pale skin as she places her hands on my face; Christ she is beautiful. With surprising force she lifts my face; effectively peeling my eyes off of her naked chest. At first I think I can feel her trembling again but within seconds I realize that my body is the one that is shaking with fear. My own words sink into my head as my chest tightens. What the hell am I doing? How dare I touch this beautiful girl? How dare I allow my golden eyes to gaze at her naked body? I am completely unworthy of even being in the same room with this innocent green eyed girl let alone to be doing what I was to her; what I still want to do to her.
My body aches with want for this tiny red head that is laying on my bed; my bed that has never had a girl in it before. The kind of girls I usually seek out for intimate moments are absolute garbage compared to the goodness that is Clary. Her voice breaks me from my own mental assault.
"Jace…please don't say things like that. I want you. I want every part of you. You are beautiful and you are amazing. Please don't say such ugly things about yourself."
"I have no right to see your gorgeous body. I have no right to touch you with my filthy hands. Why do you want me? Why would you want to lose…I'm sorry…I mean give your virginity to me? I have done so many things; been with so many girls…girls that are nothing compared to you…girls that…"
"Please stop…please stop belittling yourself Jace. I feel like all I have done since you kissed me is beg you for more. Beg you to touch me, beg you to kiss me, and beg you to try. Those horrible things you say about yourself makes my chest ache. You say that I am pure and you say that I am beautiful; did you ever stop to consider the fact that maybe I see you the same way? Have you stopped to consider how honored I feel to be allowed in your room; in your bed and how completely honored I feel to have you touch me? I have wanted you for so long. I have fantasized about what it would be like to feel your lips on mine; what it would feel like to have your hands on my body. I feel like I'm dreaming right now because I always thought that I was unworthy of your attention."
I choke back a sob at her confession. My lips consume her mouth with fierceness and need. All the feelings of want for her are now gone and are replace with an overwhelming amount of need as I understand how much her body needs what she is asking of me. My body no longer trembles and my hands are steady as I pull her skirt and underwear off of her slim legs. She runs her hands down the length of my naked chest and her fingers are also steady as she opens my belt. Blood pounds in my ears as my breathing becomes erratic from her touch. She has my belt unhooked and the button of my jeans undone but before she can lower my zipper I grip her hand in mine to stop her. I pull her fingers to my mouth and kiss each one softly as I look into her eyes. My eyes are trying to tell her to slow down.
"Jace…ple…"
"Shh…I'm not stopping you; I just want to slow down okay? I promise I'll try."
I take my belt off and set it on my nightstand before I lower my hands and eyes to her pale skin. I don't think I have ever taken this much time to look at a girl's body before and I want to see and touch every inch of hers. Sex has always been so rushed and careless but this time with Clary needs to be the polar opposite of everything I have ever done before. Right now this is so much more than just sex between two people; this is a pure and total moment of intimacy that should be approached with gentleness and without time restrictions.
"So soft…so beautiful…" I whisper to her.
Starting at her left knee I begin to kiss her skin; working my way up her thigh and pausing at the curve of her hip where I graze her skin with my teeth. Her body shudders with pleasure as my hands and mouth move over her skin. I look into her warm eyes and find that they are no longer filled with shame or embarrassment. Now her green eyes are filled with longing and need for me. I slide my hand down her waist a little bit at a time as I work my way towards her center. Her breath hitches when my fingers brush her soft hair between her thighs. I pause my fingers to search her eyes for permission to go further. Her hands wrap around my shoulders as she lifts her hips off of the mattress. Her movement causes my fingers to slide closer to her center and when she moans softly that is all the permission I need.
My fingers find her warm center and my body shudders from her wetness. I start to stroke her sensitive flesh with the tips of my fingers; taking the time to adjust my pressure and speed to make her feel pleasure like she has never felt before.
"Does this feel good? Is this how you touch yourself Clary?"
Her passion filled eyes go wide at my seductive questions.
"I-I…never…I mean I don't do that."
"You don't touch yourself? Why?"
"I just never have before."
Dear god my entire body shudders violently at her startling confession. The fact that she has no idea what is about to happen to her body makes my need for her increase at an alarming rate; I feel my jeans become uncomfortably tight against my growing shaft. I put my discomfort in the back of my mind as I focus on touching her body; this moment is about her not me. Her moans turn to pants as I increase the speed of my fingers against her center. I am in awe of her beautiful face as I watch so many different emotions streak across her face and in her eyes from my touch. When I see the look of fear and panic in her eyes I slow my stroking as I cup her face in my other hand so she will look into my eyes.
"It's okay Clary…don't be scared…just let go…just feel it…"
Her loud gasps as she reaches her peak cause a grin to spread across my face. I don't want her to think I am making fun of her so before she can see my grin I consume her mouth with mine. Her lips struggle to keep pace with mine as she rides out her climax and she bites my bottom lip in frustration causing me to growl at the sensation. Once she releases my lip from her teeth I bury my face in her neck and begin to kiss, lick and bite her skin as I carefully slide one of my fingers deep inside of her moist center. Her thighs clamp tightly around my body as her fingernails dig into my shoulders as I stroke her at a steady pace. Feeling her body adjust to my finger I carefully slide in another finger and continue to stroke her. Her moans turn to needy whimpers as she begins to grind her hips against my fingers and within moments she reaches her peak once again. I slow my stroking as she comes down off of her clouded bliss; her eyes are glassy and almost distant as I look at her.
Removing my fingers from her center I capture her mouth in a deep kiss before I start to kiss a slow path down her body. Her fingers are tangled in my messy hair as I kiss her stomach. I continue to kiss my way towards the soft hair between her thighs but before I can reach her center with my mouth she pull my hair hard enough for me to stop my path to look up at her.
"What are you doing Jace?"
"Kissing you…making you feel good."
"There? You want to kiss me there?"
"Very much…why don't you want me to?"
"I'm uncomfortable to have you kiss me there."
I slide my body up higher so I can cup her face in my hands. I search her eyes and find the look of embarrassment. I brush my lips gently across her mouth a few times before settling in for a deep kiss as I stroke her cheek with my fingers. I stop kissing her so that I can reassure her that I won't do anything that makes her uncomfortable.
"If you don't want me to then I won't."
"Please don't…I don't want you to kiss me there Jace."
"Shh…relax Clary…I won't; I promise. Do you want to stop for tonight?"
"No! I still want to! Please Jace!"
Her high pitched voice is loud and full of pleading inside of my bedroom walls. For the fraction of a second I am concerned with the thought of anyone hearing what is going on behind my locked door but decide to ignore the thought as I slide my jeans off of my body. This is the big moment…when I take off my boxer short she will see me; she will see what she thinks she wants inside of her small body. I feel my heart pounding in my chest as I lower my boxers down my hips; her green eyes go wide when she sees my hard shaft slide out of the fabric. After tossing my shorts on the floor I set back on my feet and rest my hands on my thighs as she continues to look at my naked body. Uncertainty and fear begins to fill my body as silent seconds tick by. Suddenly I feel the urge to hide my body from her eyes; suddenly I feel like running into the bathroom and crying like a small child. She can see the fear and shame in my eyes when she looks at me. She stops my hands from covering my offensive body part by griping them tightly with her own hands.
"Kiss me Jace…" She whispers.
Once again I am surprised at the strength that this tiny girl has as she forcefully pulls my body on top of hers. I keep my hips far away from her as our lips meet. I begin to kiss her slowly but her soft lips move with urgency against mine as her hands and legs wrap around my body; pulling every inch of our bodies together. Her gasp breaks our kiss when she feels my hardness pressed between her thighs and my body freezes in place. Before I can lift myself away from her; she begins to grind her wet center against my aching length. With a few movements of my own hips I match her grinding with the same speed as hers.
Just feeling her skin against my skin fills my body with so much pleasure that I feel a wave of dizziness at the thought of being inside of her. I enjoy the feeling of our skin against each other's for a few more strokes before I still my movements.
"Are you sure this is what you want Clary?" My voice comes out shaky and hoarse.
"Yes." She answers with conviction.
I reach over and take a condom from the drawer of my night stand and she loosens her tight grip on my body so I can slide the protection over the length of my shaft. Her hands never leave my body as her green eyes burn into my golden eyes. Her eyes are filled with desire and need for my body and there isn't a single trace of fear or unease as I look at her. Seeing that look in her eyes gives me all the confidence I need to lower my shaft to her center. I press my hardness carefully at her opening and I think we both have stopped breathing as we anticipate her reaction to my intrusion of her body.
"Don't be afraid to stop me Clary…" I whisper.
"Okay…" She breathes.
I hold my breath once again as I begin to push into her center and I gasp at the feeling of her tightness. Her soft whimpers still my movements and I freeze as I look into her wide eyes.
"Should I stop? Do you want me to stop?"
"No…just go slow okay."
I keep my hips still as I kiss her softly for a moment; carefully I push further into her but stop again when she whimpers in pain. Her whole body is ridged underneath me and her center is almost painfully tight around my shaft. My mind is screaming for me to stop and pull out of her even though my body aches to be inside of her completely. I promised her that we would try and she said she didn't want to stop. I take a moment to look at her glassy eyes.
"Please try to relax Clary…I don't want to hurt you…you're too tense; if you don't relax I will hurt you and I don't want that."
"Kiss me Jace…" Her words sound almost uncertain.
I keep my hips still as I kiss her softly on the lips. Her tongue enters my mouth and within seconds our kissing is hungry and full of need. As we continue to kiss I slide my fingers over her sensitive clitoris and begin to stroke her with the same speed of our tongue movements. Within a few strokes from my circling fingers I feel her center starting to adjust to my size and I carefully push my length into her further only to stop when I feel her thin layer of virginity against my shaft. Keeping my hips still I prepare for her to cry out as I break through her virtue. I stop kissing her to look into her eyes; I need her to look at me when I push into her further. I need to see if I will hurt her; I need to see if the pain is too much for us to continue.
"Are you okay? Does it hurt?"
"Please don't stop Jace…please I want this…" She pleads.
"Don't close your eyes…I need to see your eyes okay?"
"Okay…"
When I push through her virginity her eyes fill with tears and her loud cry of pain makes my stomach flip violently. As much as I want to pull out of her body I can't because her arms and legs grip my body tightly as she squeezes her eyes shut. I see a tear slowly start to run down her pale cheek and I use my lips to kiss away the evidence before I lightly kiss her entire face and then settling in for a deep kiss as her hands knot in my sweaty hair. After we kiss a little longer I bravely push the rest of my length inside of her and we both gasp at the feeling. Her gasp is from the feeling of fullness and my gasp is from the feeling of her tight center completely surrounding my aching shaft. I continue to stroke her with my fingers as we kiss a few moments longer as her body adjusts to my size. I stop my stroking and break our kiss to see her smiling softly up at me.
"You okay Clary?"
"Yes, I'm okay."
"Do you need me to keep still longer?"
"No, I think you can move if you want to."
"It doesn't matter what I want; this is about you. What do you want me to do?"
"Move. Please move."
Carefully I begin to rock into her with slow movements as I watch her face for signs of discomfort. When I see her smile again; it's enough to give me permission to increase my pace. Her green eyes flutter closed as her hands run across the skin at my lower back. Both of our bodies are slick with sweat as I rock into her and her soft moans begin to increase as she nears her release. Moments later her nails bite painfully into my lower back and she drags her nails all the way to the top of my back in one quick movement as she shudders around me. Her body is slowly starting to stop shaking just as mine begins to shake from the start of my own climax and after a few more thrust of my hips I find my release before collapsing on top of her tiny body. I burry my face into her hair and wrap my arms around her back to hold her tightly as I fight to control my ragged breathing.
Carefully I slide out of her as she whimpers; I roll off of her and pull her close to me. We are both laying on our sides as we face each other. I can still hear the rain tapping against the window as I stroke her eyebrow with my thumb. Her eyelids are heavy with exhaustion and I find myself elated at the idea of sleeping next to her and waking up to her beautiful face in the morning light. When she closes her eyes I kiss her cheek but before I can capture her lips in mine she rolls over and gets out of my bed.
"What are you doing?"
"Trying to find my clothes."
"Why?"
"I'm tired and I can't walk to my room without my clothes."
Her clipped words cause me to go mute as I watch her quickly dress. Before I can wrap my brain around the words I want to say she whispers a hushed goodnight and leaves my room. What the fuck just happened? Why did she leave? Should I go after her? Should I give her time and space so that she can process what we just did? I stare at my clock as the minutes tick by and more questions swirl in my head. After watching the numbers change three times I roll off the bed and dress quickly before going to find her.
I knock softly on her door and wait for her to respond. A full minute goes by and I press my ear to her bedroom door as I try to turn the locked handle; I can hear her shower running in her bathroom. Knowing that unless I pound loudly on her door she won't even know I am out here; I decide to just go back to my room before I risk waking up the rest of the house seeing how it's almost midnight. I flop on my bed and stare at the ceiling as more and more questions fill my head. I spend the entire night playing back what we did. I thought about how amazing it felt to have her hands on my body and how amazing it felt to be inside of her. If you added up every single sexual experience I have ever had and jammed them together into one single feeling they still wouldn't hold a match to the way it felt to be with Clary.