by Melissa Flores - mistyjox@hotmail.com
Summary : Companion Piece to "The Law of Possession"
Angel shares more with Cordelia than a dance, as he tries to understand
the changing nature of their relationship.
Rating : PG-13 for naughty Angel thoughts.
Distribution : http://www.wolverineandrogue.com/mistiec
Dedication:
Finals. How much could those damn things suck ass? Insomnia - and the
stress of being a production secretary.
~*~
You know, those stories where people talk about how they'd rather
go to hell to be with someone than to go on living without them really
crack me up.
These damn people don't realize that in hell you're ALONE. ALONE. Never-ending darkness surrounds you and it's just you and emptiness and you can cry out with your soul for someone, anyone, to answer and it's never there. There's no hope. No love. No feeling or hatred because in the end there's nothing.
It's the nothing that drives you mad, the never ending darkness where you feel completely alone.
Being completely alone... it's what drives people to suicide, what drives some to rape... what drives others to murder. It's the fear that you're completely alone.
I've been there, and I know there is no worse emotion, no worse haze in your head than the moment that you realize that there is nothing around, that you are completely alone.
It sears into your heart, fills you with emptiness and darkness and you'd do anything to fill the void, but you can't.
I thought I was strong enough to handle it, to handle not needing anyone, not caring about anyone other than my own selfish need for vengeance.
I should have known nothing was ever that simple.
I knew Cordelia Chase, REALLY knew her, when she got a haunted apartment, one that I had pushed her into because I was too busy caring about my solitude and privacy to realize she was more alone than I ever believed.
There's a moment when I looked into her eyes and realized that behind the hazel eyes was more depth than I had ever dreamed.
But again, I was too caught up in myself, in my crusade to save the world and get over Buffy to realize that the long haired brunette, the one that made me laugh and brought a smile to my face over the silliest things, was slowly becoming an adult, a woman before my very eyes.
I pushed her away when I lost Buffy. I'm not sure why, why I was unwilling to see her, confessing only to Doyle the heartache, maybe because I wasn't sure I knew her well enough.
I lost Doyle, and I found Cordelia.
When one door closes, another one opens.
Tragedy always brings people closer together. That was the first time I held Cordelia, the first time I opened up, the first time I realized that in this world, I needed someone other than Buffy.
Cordelia's always been easy to take advantage of because you never really realize what kind of person you have in your hands until she's wormed your way into your soul. With Buffy it was so blatantly obvious : she's a Slayer, she's strong and beautiful, and while Cordelia is probably more stunning and more beautiful in the classic sense, she was still only.. Cordelia. I might have been Buffy, it might have been Doyle, or it might have been the fact that Cordelia always had this facade that I bought so easily, never letting myself see the depth inside of her for fear I would drown in it, but I never noticed just how much I cared until the day I almost lost her too.
Have you ever truly needed someone, ever feared so much of being alone, and not just of being alone, but being without that person that you would do anything and everything to get them back? Have you ever felt the desperation?
Or have you ever felt the relief that slides through your body, making you weak-kneed and light headed and your still heart just wants to burst completely because you can see her eyes, wide and open and vibrant, can feel her soft skin beneath your fingers and your vision is blurred as you clasp her hand in yours and there's no one that exists but you and her?
She can make you feel that.
But like I said, she's easy to take advantage of, because you never realize what you have until it's too late. Her complete trust in you, the way she stares at you with that adoring gaze that tells you you're the most important person in your life. You forget the protective way you watch over her, forget about all the times you've caught yourself staring at her for the simple reason that she's so captivatingly beautiful, forget the way your heart seems to burst when she tells you that she's fighting with you, for you, as long as it takes : forever.
You forget that you might just need her, because of a past that you could never quite shake, because of a women who manipulated you and turned you into the thing you now despise. You turn Cordelia away because you forget, because you don't want to see the dark hurt in her eyes, you want to make her hate you because maybe then you can find it a little easier to live with what you've become.
And you ignore how it feels when she tells you in the hospital lobby to stay away from her, the pang in your heart as she slides past you and joins your family, her family... the people you pushed away, forgetting you entirely.
You forget all that, until you realize how much she means to you when you hold her in your arms and ask if she's okay and she tells you no.
Because you hurt her.
My heart broke that day. I had been so elated, so glad to see my little Cordy, my hands aching to touch her again, so glad that she was okay, that she was all right, my little Vision Girl. I wanted to hold her and touch her and tell her how much I missed her, because Dammit at that moment, when I saw her and looked into her pained , beautiful face, I realized HOW MUCH I needed her.
And she's not okay. Because I hurt her feelings.
Cordelia always did have the knack of tossing my on my ass about things like that. Wesley and Gunn... they were easier, but nothing with Cordelia was ever easy.
She made it hard, and I think she made it hard because she knew... she knew how much I needed her, how much I had missed her, how I would have done anything to make it right.
I had been blind to my Cordy Chase, never realizing how much light she filled my soul with until a night of empty passion had left me with a burning sensation, a lump in my throat and a quake in my still heart that shook so violently when I saw her.
When I let myself realize that I needed her.
It's never been this way. She smiles and she laughs. She throws herself in my arms and kisses my cheek and tells me that she loves me. I'm smiling more than I've smiled in years and it's because of HER.
Because she's made me who I am... because making her happy makes me happy and I don't know what that is but... it's not about me anymore.
It's about them. It's about her.
And all I want is to make it right. I just want to make her trust me again. To make her need me again like she needed me before. I want her to tell me I'm the most important thing in her life. I want her to tell me she belongs WITH me, by my side.
I've told her I'm never leaving her again. I held her in my lap and I pulled her close and almost whimpered because all the pain of the left over vision, all the hurt in her heart, in her eyes, was because of ME. And I remember cursing myself because I could feel her body on me, arousing me... making me want Cordelia Chase.
I want her, yes. Just because I never let myself want her that way before... it's not a surprise. She's my best friend, she's someone I need and someone I know that I will be with for as long as I can, and she's beautiful. And she knows me and loves me and I love her too.
In a way, we belong in each other's arms.
And it was never sexual... until now.
Until she kissed me.
It's hard to forget that night, when she lay shivering in my arms and I held her so tightly that I couldn't let go, let her fall asleep in my embrace, feeling her warmth, so thankful she was taking comfort in my arms, that she needed me, for that one second...
The truth is she could probably live without me. But I ... I don't think I could really exist, really be who I am... without her.
And now, when I see her, I remember her lips against mine, the look in her eyes, the way she kissed me like... like a lover.
Is that what I am to her? Is that what I want to be? Would I want the impossible simply because I couldn't have it... and does she understand?
She smiles and hugs and presses kisses on my cheek, never on my lips, never after that night, and when she thinks it's just me and her, she'll look at me with this glint in her eyes that tells me that she knows something that I don't.
I'd give anything for her to tell me what it is she knows that I don't.
Tonight, was just another night, another precious night because we were all going to be together. Cordelia made a big pretense of dragging us to her friend's birthday party but the truth is, I didn't mind going... I would have preferred staying in, yeah, of course, but...
Her hand was clasped in mine as she pulled me out of the car, her smile wide and her eyes sparkling as she slid toward me, a hint of a chuckle in her voice as she looked up at me and told me to hurry up. I could only grin slightly as I turned, closing the car door and waiting as Wesley and Gunn slid around the car, each dressed in their trademark clothes that made them ... them.
And like the Queen we all knew she was, Cordelia led her harem, pulling me up the sidewalk towards the lights of the Century Club, the place that had been rented out for the party.
I felt my smile freeze, felt a familiar lump in my throat and my hands clenched inside my pockets. People were food. Lots of people and heartbearts and blood rushing and iching in my mouth and in my face where the demon loved to reside. Bite and Avoid : two modes with people. Two modes with lots of people.
But she squeezed my hand, and I looked down, seeing her raising an eyebrow before leaning in next to me, speaking close to my ear, her lips brushing my ear.
"Relax, Dead Guy. It won't kill you to join the land of the living for two minutes." I gave her a look but she only rose that perfectly arched eyebrow higher. "Just don't embarrass me."
I had to smile.
My hand encircled her waist, and for a second I drew her closer to my side, feeling her warmth against my colder, harder body before she looked back up at me, flashing me a quick distracted smile before pulling away slightly to slide her hand in the crook of Wesley's arm to lean over and whisper in his ear.
I found myself frowning slightly, falling slightly out of step as Gunn slapped a hand roughtly on my back, stepping in place with me.
"Sorry man, can't keep her to yourself all the time."
My eyes widened slightly and I could just FEEL the demon inside me groan as I did what I've come lately to do very well : stammer.
"What? I'm not.. I don't.. she does-"
"ANGEL! Hurry up!"
My face burned red, and I found myself looking away from Gunn's amused face, covering my face with a hand scratching my ear and quickening my pace to meet Cordy at the door.
"Dionne!"
"Cordelia Chase, Oh my GOD, girl you look FANTASTIC! New clothes?!" I shot Wesley a resigned look as Cordelia and her friend went into the wierd ritual women do when they first meet. You know, the squealing and air kissing and hopping up and down and looking each other up and down to see who had the better outfit.
I smiled slightly, my eyes drifting down Cordelia's body. She looked absolutely amazing tonight. I bought that dress on a whim, holding it in my hands and imagining what she would look like in it. I never dreamed she's look this way... the cut modest, but sexy, clinging in just the right places and showing off her body in a way that made her look incredibly classy... incredibly royal.
What can I say? She was Doyle's Princess.
She's my Princess now. Huh. Never realized how corny that sounded until now.
"Well that's all thanks to my ... friend!" She turned, pulling me into the light of the porch. "Dionne these are my guys. Angel, Wesley and Gunn. Guys, this is Dionne."
Dionne was a woman slightly older than Cordelia, very beautiful, eyes a dark brown, fashionable as hell. She looked us up and down with this look in her eyes that I've seen on plenty of predator demons in my day. I made sure my hand stayed very firmly in Cordelia's.
"Oh, and Angel is the one who bought me this!" Cordelia did a little twirl, and I had to smile at it.
"Ah... a man with taste. Gay or not?"
Gunn snorted and Wesley grinned. I could have killed them both. No really.
"Definately not." To my credit, Cordelia seemed offended by the statement. Thank God.
"Ah. But off limits. Nice pick Cordy." I coughed, but Cordelia just rolled her eyes.
"Yeah well.. happy birthday- GUYS!"
Wesley yelped when Dionne gave him a pinch from behind, but from the look on his face, I'm thinking maybe he liked it.
OH GOD, the people.
I felt my steps falter as my eyes roved over the sheer crowd. Shit. People. Lots and lots of people : bite and avoid... two modes... bite and avoid-
"Oooh! Bar!" Gunn pushed his way into the crowd, Wesley followed, patting my back.
"Coming?"
"I'm so there." I would have run after them, if I had the room, but I settled for walking, almost forgetting my hand was still latched onto Cordy's, until I was pulled back, almost slamming into her.
I stumbled slightly, almost taking her with me as I put my hands on her waist to steady her as I steadied myself, pushing her back until we were stable and she was pressed against my body.
And suddenly there were no people. It was me and her, and her eyes, her face, looking up at me with that amused smile that makes me think she knows me better than anyone alive. Her head shook slightly and I felt my mouth pull into a sheepish grin as her hands slid up my forearms, keeping my arms firmly at her waist.
"Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. You look ready to pee your pants."
"I'll be fine." I turned my head sligthly to the dancefloor that was teeming with people that were grinding so closely they might as well have been having sex. "it's just..."
"People. Yeah I know." She gave me an apraising look, shrugging slightly as she leaned in, on her tiptoes to get her words heard. "Don't you find it odd that you can be such a coward about people when you're so damn fearless about everything else?"
I hate the way she can just say those little things that get me right in the gut. My eyes bored into her and I knew what she meant, with that mouth twitching and her eyes laughing at me. It was a challenge.
"I'll be fine," I repeated.
She smiled, and her warms hands squeezed my forearms. "Tell you what. You survive this on your own and ... "
"And what?" My voice had gotten husky, something I wasn't really aware of, until her smile faltered, and her eyes lost a bit of the playfullness in them.
"I don't know. Guess we'll just have to wait and see."
And with that she leaned up, kissed my cheek and slid around me, disapearing into the crowd, leaving me alone with some necking couple in the corner.
Two minutes, five spilled drinks, two woman and one guy asking me to dance (at the same time), and a smashed foot later, I was at the bar, crowded between Gunn and Wesley, who were doing more of their bonding thing.
"Where's Cordy?" I asked, my eyes narrowed, searching the group.
"I thought she was with you, man," Gunn answered, leaning against the bar as he surveyed the dance floor.
GOD the noise. The pounding and thumping and didn't these people want to HEAR for the rest of their lives? And who in their right mind charges 15 bucks for a shot of tequila! PLUS TIP!
In my day, you could spend two bits and get -
"There she is."
My eyes slid over to where Wesley was pointing and my jaw completely dropped.
Ah... hell.
How the hell did I go five years without ever seeing Cordelia dance?
I had no idea I was even growling until Wesley stopped my getting up to clobber the guy with his hands on her waist by pushing me back in my seat.
"Easy, Angel. He hasn't done anything."
"Yet," I bit.
"Don't worry man, we're watching," Gunn added, eyes riveted on the scene. "He's toast the minute he does something wrong."
"What if he doesn't?"
"He will," I growled. "He better."
Wesley and Gunn threw this look over my head and I found myself distracted by it. "What? What was that?"
"What was that?"
"That look you guys gave each other. You've been doing that a lot lately. What the hell was that?"
"I didn't look. Did you look, Wesley?"
"Nothing of the sort." I glared at them, eyes sliding back to Cordelia, until Wesley said something that made me jerk my gaze right back at him.
"Rather protective of our girl, aren't you Angel?"
"Damn right I'm protective," I responded. "Someone's gotta watch her- are his hands touching- his hands are TOUCHING-"
"Woah, easy man." This time it was Gunn that pushed me back. "Now Wes and I talked this over and before this thing goes any further-"
"What thing?"
"The thing with you and Cordelia."
"The WHAT?!" Once again my gaze was pulled away from Cordelia to stare at them. "What thing?!"
Wesley just pursed his lips and Gunn looked back down at his shot glass.
"Never mind. We'll talk about it later," Wesley answered quickly.
I rolled my eyes, my focus once again on Cordelia, who had picked up another partner.
I'll be the first to admit it, I don't take things lightly. I never have. When I see something happening I react, automatically thinking the worst thing that could possibly happen because... in our line of work, it usually does.
Right now flashes of Cordelia under that guy's body, her face awash with ecstacy, her nails clawing down his back, hips arching to meet his, nipples hard and swollen from HIS suckling -
I growled again. I couldn't help it.
This is why I normally avoid people. The bite and avoid thing. This is a very good reason, because dammit.. there are certain human beings you should be allowed to bite.
The jerk Cordy was dancing with was definately on the list.
"He's gonna burst isn't he?" I barely heard Wesley and Gunn talking behind me.
"Any minute now," Wes responded.
Creep's hands were sliding up her waist.
"Should I?"
Creep's hands were on her thighs.
"I think it wise."
Cordy smiled at the Creep.
"Yo, Angel. Wanna take a walk dude?"
He had her body right next to HIS.
The glass shattered in my hand, the unexpecated pain making me blink in suprise.
"Good Lord, Angel!"
The blood on my hands was mine, I think, and I gave the bartender an apologetic grimace as he looked at me in horror.
"I'll pay for the glass."
Wesley wrapped a napkin around my palm, the jagged splinters making me wince.
"What happened?" Cordelia pushed through the crowed, and I found myself smiling sheepishly as I held up the hand. Her eyes rolled almost out of her head as she huffed at me, "God Angel can't I leave you alone for ONE MINUTE?"
"Apparently not," Wesley muttered.
I gave him a glare, sitting up as Cordelia held my palm outspread on her own, carefully inspecting the damage. "I was fine! I was alone. Alone and fine."
"You broke a glass with your hand."
"I've been through worse."
She gave me this exasperated look, but I only shot a look at the guy she was dancing with, now completely forgotten by her, and gave him a smile, as Cordelia had her nurturing Angel mode turned on.
Ha.
"We can't take him anywhere, can we?" Gunn added.
"Come on, Angel. Let's go wash the blood off." She grabbed my hand gently, hooking me by the thumb and pulling me in the direction of the restroom, waiting until we were out of eartshot of Wesley and Gunn before beginning her little tirade. "Angel, how the hell did you crack a glass in your hand?! And don't say you don't know because I will beat you on the head."
My previously opened mouth closed immediately.
The line to the women's bathroom was a mile long, literally. Cordelia took one look at it, looked at the men's, and just sighed, grabbing my hand and pulling me along.
"Cordy, I'm okay, really."
"Look we don't need you losing anymore blood in a place full of humans, do we? No." She slammed the door open, and dragged me into the rather foul smelling urinal.
There was one guy in there, poised over the urinal, ready to let it fly.
"Zip it up, buster," Cordelia told him, slapping him in the back.
The man gasped, and lurched forward, hands fumbling at his crotch as he glared at her.
"What the hell are you doing?"
"First aid. Come on, get out." When he just stared at her blankly, she huffed, raising my hand. "He's BLEEDING."
He was about to retort, but when I gave him a glare, he swallowed, blinked, zipped and got out of there.
When he was gone, she grabbed my hand, turned on the faucet and pulled my hand under the cold water.
"Don't think I don't know why you broke the glass, Angel." She cast me an angry glare, as we both watched the blood seep from my hand, staining the sink red.
"Look I didn't do it purpose."
"Like HELL you didn't! If looks could kill he'd be dead, quartered, and hung! And not necessarily in that order!"
I glared right back at her. She KNEW I was watching?
She was quiet for another minute, and finally she let out a long sigh, her tone different than before. "Jeff is just a friend, okay?"
"You and I are just friends, Cordelia, I don't touch you like that. Wesley and Gunn don't touch you like that-"
"Because you'd kill them if they tried!" She shook her head, eyebrows
knitting together, as she bit her lip, drying off the hand, pressing a
paper towel on it to stop the bleeding.
"Honestly, I can't leave you alone for two minutes before you get all GRR on me just for-"
"He was going to - he was touching you!"
"Lots of guys touch me!"
My eyes widened, and a growl unwillingly escaped my throat as I snatched my hand back and glared at her. "SINCE WHEN?!"
"Okay, over react much?" Her mouth twitch, a sigh of exasperation. Her hold on my hand tightened and she came forward, looking into my face. "You don't have to do that, okay?"
"Do what?"
And her expression softened slightly, before her hand reached up and I felt her fingertips on the ridges of my face.
Oh shit. I had gone vamp.
The door opened, and I whirled. "GET OUT!"
The guy pretty much peed his pants as he stumbled right back out the door.
Cordelia jumped slightly, and it was her minute expression of fear for two seconds that made my heart lurch.
I swallowed, my lack of control flooding me with embarrassment, as I pulled away from her, eyes drifting to the scratched up bathroom mirror where the only thing I could see was her concerned, hesitant face staring at what seemed to be thin air.
Staring at nothing.
Staring at me.
"Angel," she began quietly. "Look at me."
I swallowed, hands on either side of the faucet, looking down, trying to control myself, trying to regain my composure.
"I'm sorry," I whispered.
"Don't be, Angel. Don't be sorry for who you are. It's what brought us together. It's what saved me." Her hand slipped into mine, and she pulled me gently away from the sink, her hazel eyes tinged with moisture as she looked into my demonic face.
She smiled gently, shrugging slightly. "*I'm* sorry. I shouldn't have gotten angry. It was… Angel sometimes you scare me-"
I winced, looking away. "I know. I.. can't control-"
"NO,NO…" Her hold on me tightened, her palms slid to cradle my cheeks as she pulled my face back to meet hers. "You scare me with how much you care about me. I've never had anyone care about me that much. And it scares me. Because I… love you just as much."
The words cracked slightly with the emotion, and her eyes were so luminous and bright, the resignation, the warmth with which she said them told me she trusted me completely with her secret.
I knew then, I had her. That she loved me and forgave me for what I was, for turning on her and hurting her.
And I whimpered, the joy sliding through me as I kissed her once furiously on the mouth, before sliding my arms around her and holding on for dear life, burying my face in the nape of her neck, embracing and loving and living in her.
My body was trembling, but so was hers, my best friend, my companion, my woman.
Her fingers stroked the back of my neck, nails sliding through my scalp, tickling me there, a warm, affectionate teasing of my locks as her body pressed against mine, her lips brushing alongside the pulse under my jaw for a millisecond before she pulled back.
"Come on, Angel. Let's go outside."
My eyes must have been shining as she smiled, letting her lead me as I had all evening, back out of the bathroom, never noticing the pile of men who now rushed into the men's room, giving us glares.
There was only her and me as we looked out at the crowd of people, the music soft, mellow… romantic.
"Cordy." She looked at me and my head motioned to the dance floor. "You wanna?"
Her mouth creased into this beautiful grin that made me smile back. "Duh."
There's this feeling that flows through you when you're this close to someone. It's like a drug, and this high that your on… it slides through you, and eliminates anyone and everyone else. You forget where you're at; you forget everything but that other person.
And you know them… it's not about sex and it's not about lust, but it's there, in the air, all the same, riding on the same wave of relief and happiness and pure abandon.
It's dangerous, and I felt it as her hands slid around my waist, as her body pressed against me, her breasts crushing into my chest, her head resting against me, my hands on her arms, on her back, keeping her close, closing my eyes, and everyone was gone but her and me.
No people, no biting and avoiding. Just her. Just my Cordelia.
It's funny how I never wanted this, would have wanted nothing to do with standing in the middle of a floor littered with people, dancing a slow song with a woman who had once been a child that I tried to shut out.
All this time I've been searching for the one thing I thought I needed above all else : redemption.
Now I know that wasn't what I was looking for at all. What I wanted was far more tangible, for more harder to reach and attain because of the sheer improbability of ANYONE being able to understand.
I wanted acceptance.
I have no idea what it is about her, what changed that makes me so unsure… I've never been unsure in my life… besides Buffy… I never really cared enough…
But when she looks at me… it's like I can see the whole world in her eyes. I can see all the good and all the evil and I know that she understands it. She's seen all the horror, all the good and the bad and she's seen all the evil inside of me and inside the world and she still smiles, she smiles and shrugs and bears the pain with the strength of a warrior.
Because she also sees the good, despite all that. And she accepts me, loves me, because of it.
I need that.
"Cor."
"Mmm," she answered lazily, her head on my chest, her eyes closed, eyelashes flickering as her God-given grace kept us both in motion.
"Remember what I said… about not leaving."
Her body stiffened slightly, I could hear her heartbeat pound just a little bit harder than before and her breathing speed up slightly, but her face never changed, her eyes never opening. "Of course I do, dodo."
"I just…" I had no idea what I was going to say, and dammit that's been happening a lot lately with her. "I never meant it more …than I do now." Her body froze, and her head lifted off of my chest and for a second she just looked at me, with her hazel eyes processing my face, as if she was still trying to figure out what I still didn't know. "I just… I just wanted you to know," I whispered, my eyes on my shoes, mentally counting the steps, trying to make sure I didn't step on her toes, didn't do anything to embarrass her.
"I know, Angel."
Her eyes softened, a small smile came to her face and suddenly her mouth was pressing gently against mine, opening slightly and pulling at my bottom lip, her breath hot and moist against my own. My body was stock still, my eyes closing automatically, as my mouth opened and I pulled her closer.
But she pulled away, so slowly, eyes opening to look at me with this smile that told me I was her very world. My throat was dry and my heart just seemed to ache, the jolt in my body making it hard with desire, with want… with love.
Her eyes glistened slightly, and as I slid my fingers through her chestnut hair streaked with blonde, I could smell the strawberry shampoo she had so carefully applied. My nose nuzzled at it, and for once in my life I was thankful for the fact I was a vampire.
Every sense is heightened : the smell of her hair, the sound of her breathing, her touch against mine, the weight of her head on my chest, the wisp of air on the small opening of skin beneath the buttons of my shirt as she exhales slowly.
"They think we're falling in love," she whispered slightly.
My eyes opened, my head lifting to look down at her, my heart aching slightly as she gave me a sad, grim smile of resignation.
"Who?" I asked, my throat cracking just slightly, my hands reaching up to cradle her chin slightly.
"Wesley and Gunn," she remarked, her head nodding to where the two men were watching us, a look on their faces that I hadn't caught before, hadn't wanted to catch, the half smiles and the darkness in their eyes. They knew what would happen if that ever happened. With her. "They'll never believe we're just friends."
"Are we?" I asked her. "Are we just friends?"
She had my very life in her hands, and her smile faltered slightly and all she could do was trace a finger up my chest, delicately up my jawbone, in her face an expression of affection that I had never seen come from her.
"Isn't that all we can be, Angel?"
My eyes closed and I felt the deep ache in my heart, the one that reminded my tormented soul who and what I was. I was a friend, nothing more. I couldn't be anything; not with her; not with anyone.
But God… the thought of letting that go, of letting these moments go, her in my arms, just when I had gotten her back, just when I had finally realized who this person was, was all I needed, all I wanted, if I couldn't have anything…
I just wanted …
I needed her to be with me.
The lump in my throat made it hard for me to speak. I had to swallow once, twice, three times before the rasp in my throat resembled anything that was words, and shrugged. "I just… Cordelia… when you kiss me…"
"I know," she whispered. "I know. But… not yet, Angel."
And she closed her eyes and I held her tightly and we just danced, because there was nothing more we could do. We couldn't speak, couldn't say anything else because at the moment every promise, every word would be promises of a future I couldn't give, one that I think she knew about, something that had taken so long to happen and yet had happened so quickly that we weren't ready, the world wasn't ready… my soul wasn't ready and neither was hers.
And yet…
"Cordy."
"What, Angel?"
"Kiss me again."
Her head lifted from my chest, her eyes met mine, and when I smiled, a sad, resigned smile that tinged of the playfulness that came from Liam and the damning penchant for mischief that came from Angelus, and the warmth and sincerity that came from me, and she suddenly smiled back.
My fingertips cupped her chin, pulling her mouth firmly toward me until my lips nestled in hers. The jolt shot through me and my mouth slanted over hers, hungry and hot and needy as my fingers slid into her short locks, keeping her against me.
The future was uncertain, I knew that much. I never knew how long I had, but I knew that she would be right beside me through it all, friend… lover…eventually.
But for now… just friends.
No one believes that. Wesley and Gunn… after tonight, they won't believe it. I'm not sure if I do.
But I closed my eyes and kissed her, tongue sliding in her hot mouth, the flash in my eyes that came from the sheer emotion, wanting it to last forever, because at the moment that's all we had.
The kiss carried absolution and a desperate hope for the future that I had never allowed myself to want… to need before.
And I clung to her, to the kiss, knowing it would be the last time, and the first time, and in it I gave her everything.
Even though she already had it. Even though she would always have it.
FIN
You shouldn't kiss me like this
(Unless you mean it like that)
Toby Keith
I got a funny feeling
The moment that your lips touched mine
Something shot right through me
My heart skipped a beat in time
There's a different feel about you tonight
It's got me thinking lots of crazy things
I even think I saw a flash of light
Felt like electricity
You shouldn't kiss me like this
Unless you mean it like that
'Cause I'll just close my eyes
And I won't know where I'm at
We'll get lost on this dance floor
Spinning around and around and around
They're all watching us now
They think we're falling in love
They'll never believe we're just friends
When you kiss me like this
I think you mean it like that
If you do baby kiss me again
Everybody swears we make the perfect pair
But dancing is as far as it goes
Girl, you never moved me quite
the way you moved me tonight
I just wanted you to know
I just wanted you to know
You shouldn't kiss me like this
Unless you mean it like that
Cause I'll just close my eyes
and I won't know where I'm at
We'll get lost on this dance floor
Spinning around and around and around
They're all watching us now
they think we're falling in love
They'll never believe we're just friends
When you kiss me like this
I think you mean like that
If you do baby kiss me again
Kiss me again