"You are only as sick as your secrets".
That one phrase stuck in my head and i was desperately playing it over and over like a loonatic. Stahl got what he wanted anyway.
Bastard possesed my mind and that was worse than any kind of sexual fantasies he could play out with me.
It wouldn't be as damaging as his words,as his soft delecate voice.
Gradually sleepless nights became normal for me.I started to avoid looking in the mirror.
But for people around me i was putting on the best performance of my lifetime. I testified in court with confedence, convincing everyone that im ok, im over it and a
near death experience didn't have its toll on me.
How brave of you,Harlee! How smart! I was proud of myself for keeping my cool no matter what. But it was a BIG FAT LIE!
Inside i was completely broken and lost more than ever before. I chased a man through the subway thinking that it was Stahl. And when i got a footage it wasn't him
at all. I've shot the man because i thought it was Stahl. Loman backed me up just like i did when he accidently killed an unarmed dealer.
I knew that i was in a big trouble.
All my life ive been lying, monipulating and pretending.
I don't even remember the last time i was completely honest and had nothing to hide. My daughter...my sweet little Christina...
the only light in my darkness. I keep on telling myself that my life isn't worthless, that i have a purpose and reson to live.
James..he was my harbour. The common sense, my last shred of conscience. And he is gone because of me.
I wanted him to save me from my life, bring me into his world where justice and truth prevail... but i dragged him into mine.
He loved me even knowing who i really was. With him i had a courage to be vulnerable...
For once in my life i chose the right man but he unfortunately chose me...
Now its Paranoia...i see Stahl everywhere...i play the 911 call every day, asking myself why he saved me...
James will never come and soothe me again, hug me and tell me that Stahl won't come back. Im alone with my messed up head.
Madness is contagious. I pay a visit to Gina every woman remotely resembles myself with her hazel eyes and brown hair.
She became my substite for Stahl. With her he could let off steam. It helped him to wear his cool mask outside his bedroom.
We switched places. Now im paying Gina for her stories about Stahl!Hahaha!Thats INSANE! 200 bucks an hour... cheeper than what Stahl paid her...anyway this woman is a link between Stahl and me...we need her to put all the puzzles together.
I need her...to know him...God,why do i do this!? Im going crazy...starting to feel that sessions with Gina are comforting and therapeutic for me.
"I would be improvising and he would just correct me...one time i called myself...you...a bad girl. But he stopped and demanded me to never say this again...he
thought that everything bad that youve done was justified...it was survival." - Gina was sitting right in front of me telling me about who i was for Stahl. His words
about healing popped up in my head. He really meant it. But how could he heal anyone when he was sick and lost more than me...
Stahl is deeply confused and deranged...and at the same time calculated and highly skilled. Throughout our tumultuous history there were times when i could see a
normal vulnerable person...witty and even brave...God, i even liked him sometimes!
Handsome, tall blue-eyed, young man with a posture of a king, always neat,precise and in order on the outside.
That was a Total opposite of his inside. When i first saw him i thought to myself "What a clean-cut man". If only i knew what he had in mind. Appearance is a very delusional thing.
But i always thought that i was better than him. Now im not sure...We are more alike than i thought at first. Both brilliant liars, skilled monipulators and both
ambitious to the core. Our sins made us dangerous for others around us.
We are both compulsive winners...neither one of us can accept a failure. My drive is my daughter, his drive is control. He is a control freak because he knows how
easy it is for him to fly off the handle. How many times i saw extreme rage in his eyes while his voice and posture stayed intact. That was scarier
than any tantrum that he could throw. I still can hear his phrase "You will ask for mercy" that he wispered to me when i ruined his career. Stahl was cold on the
outside while burning up inside.
During one of the sessions Gina told me that there were times when Stahl wanted her to stay with him for the whole night, just laying beside him,holding his hand.
There were times when he was demanding and rough with her, using as i could tell his fantasies and behavior with Gina depended on what was going
on between me and him in reality. If he thought that i was under his control, he would be very gentle with her. If i had my way and disobeyed his orders, he would
punish Gina. My actions reflected on his behavior with her. I despised Stahl for his obsession with me but now ive become just as obsessed with composing his
profile. What was happening to me could be described as post-traumatic stress syndrome. I was consumed by idea that Stahl is near and he is watching,
waiting for the right moment. That time when i chased a man in the cap, I promised myself to stop. Even Woz told me that Stahl would never come back because it
would be a suicide for him. But i couldn't do a thing with endless agony in my head and before going to work i played that 911 call again.
On Thursday i came to Gina even though we planned to meet on Saturday. I couldn't wait.
- Please, tell me more about what he would say to you while you were having sex? - my voice was raspy and tired. I couldn't recognize myself anymore.
- He...he didn't talk a lot during...he would just say your name...or during foreplay he would say that im...you are his girl...and you should remember it...he owns
you...one time he said that he was the only one who understood you...- Gina was still uncomfortable being the source for me. She couldn't look me in the eyes.
- What did he want you to say to him? - i was interrogating her with a grim mask on my face.
- Something like...i surrender to you...- Gina got up and poured some water in the glass.
I remembered my failed attempt to seduce and drug him. He was trying so hard to resist temptation and reject me. Andi was saying those words to him. Instinctively
i knew what he wanted to hear. And of course ive seen him and Gina on a video. But it wasn't enough for me so i decided to hear details from Gina...does it make it
any better...im sick...
- Harlee, i think that Stahl was so obsessed because he couldn't have you...he knew that you wouldn't surrender to him...it made you extremely appealing for him...-
Gina looked at me with compassion in her eyes.
Compassion from a hooker. That's a new low for me.
- I'll call you.. - I stormed out her appartment like someone was chasing me.
That night i couldn't sleep as usual. I couldn't take it any longer and took a sleepng pill. I knew that they are highly addictive but i needed to sleep so desperately.
- Can i offer you a drink? - Familiar suave voice.
I opened my eyes. Stahl stood,leaning against the wall. I looked around and recognized his scarily neat and blank appartment.
It already happened when i came to him and tried to manipulate him into giving my crue an immunity. He offered me a drink after I kissed him for the first time and
he pretended to call Gail Baker. I was replaying that situation again.
- Harlee, do you hear me? - Agent Stahl was completely calm and collected as always. Only the sparkle in his blue eyes was
showing his excitement that was boiling inside.
I looked down and saw that i was wearing the same black coat and holding my cellphone in my hand. The first urge was to scream, then pull out a gun and shoot
him. But i couldn't move a muscle.
- Stahl...- I mumbled quietly feeling like my body weight was 10 times bigger than it actually was. I couldn't move any of my limbs.
- I can pour you some wine or whiskey...- He wasn't moving a muscle either.
- Wine...a glass of wine...- My mind was spinning and i just wanted to see where i could go with this scenario.
In reality that time i left him right after he asked about having a drink. Stahl came up to his bar and poured two glasses of red wine. He was moving slowly like a
well-fed cat. He didn't come close to me to hand me the drink. He just put it on the table between us.
- How far are you willing to go, Harlee? - His voice was so smooth like he wanted to lull me.
I was staring at him, desperately trying to move my body in any direction. I felt like i was tied up again. Helpless and alone with him.
- Why did you save me? Why didn't you just let me bleed out? - Tears started to blur my sight.
- That was never my intention...i wanted you safe and sound...you hurt youself,Harlee...- He gave me one of his almost unnoticeable smirks.
- What would you do if i didn't slit my wrist? You would kill me anyway! - I started shaking all over.
- Harlee...your subconscience can give you a hint...you need me just like i need you...im the only one in your life that can make you question yourself...before me
you didn't even care what you were doing, you were comfortable doing bad things... no consequences...I made you see who you've become... - Stahl started to
make his way to me. His voice became distant.
- Don't twist it around! Stop it! Leave me alone! - I didn't want to hear that answer because it was the truth.
- Harlee, let me set you free from all your gilt...let me bring you to justice so you can repent your sins...- Stahl was closeenough to grab me but he was just standing
and looking at me.
- Im gonna erase you from the face of the Earth! I promise you! - I screamed right in his face, trying to hold back my tears.
- You can do it for sure but you will never erase me from your memory...im in your head,Harlee...and i will stay there...forever...- I felt his fingers touching my cheek,wiping away my tears.
I woke up soaking weat. My sheets and pillow were drenched with my sweat.