Title: Bend and not break
Author: Jessica
Email: jrothenyahoo.se
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where
Spoilers: Last Week Fights, This Week Tights, a little of Teach me tonight
Rating: PG
Feedback: YES please...jrothenyahoo.se
Pairing: Rory/Jess
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.
Summary: I know, I know..It's been done a million times over but ...I hope you might read it anyways..It's my take on the end scene in "Last weeks fights.."..This is Jess POV..
AUTHORS NOTE: Title is from a song by Dashboard Confessional.
Thank u to Sandra aka. Lukerules, for beta-reading this..;)
English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar
mistakes may occur.
"And every time you throw him to the floor
Why are you surprised to see he's breakable?"
("Breakable" by Fisher)
You sit there a long time afterwards.
You sit there in your old, rusty car with your hands gripping the steering wheel so tight
that your knuckles started to turn white.
The radio is on blasting out one of those old rock songs that you like.
Rain is smashing against your car and you know that you should be gone but you can't get yourself to leave just yet.
A part of you is expecting her to open that door and come running towards you.
But you know better than that now.
She had been determined.
You had seen it in her eyes but you had thought that you might convince her.
But you had been wrong.
She had changed.
She wasn't the girl that you remembered or even the girl you had hoped she had might be.
A part of you had tried to tell yourself that she still wanted you.
You had never been the kind of person that believed in grand gestures but this time the only thing you had left to give her was a grand gesture.
So you went to her that night and you gave her the only thing you had left to give; yourself.
You had watched her at first.
She came with Dean.
You had tried to ignore the stinging pain in your heart.
You had even tried to convince yourself that you deserved it.
They stood by her door as you entered.
Your heart was slamming against your chest with such force that you
almost was sure they would hear it.
"What are you doing here"
Her voice is harsh as she turns towards you.
You almost stop.
But you haven't come this far to turn away now.
It feels like your chest is going to explode if you don't say what you have come here for.
"I need to talk to you."
You walk towards her, keeping your eyes locked on hers.
You chose to ignore Dean even when he says your name.
"I need to talk to you."
You found yourself almost pleading to her.
You hate to beg her but it's the only way now.
" What's going on"
His voice again.
You feel the anger fill you.
You want to scream from the top of your lungs.
You even want to hit him.
But you have no idea why.
"What are you doing here"
She sounds worried.
Or maybe it was just your mind playing tricks with you?
"Rory, please."
You move closer to her and your eyes meet.
You try to read what she's thinking but you never could do that.
"Rory"
He sounds almost worried.
But you chose to ignore that and you keep your eyes locked with her, afraid that if
you move away even a little she might go away.
A part of you feels like you have won a little part of the battle as she turns to him and
says:
"Go - go home."
He refused at first but finally surrendered and left.
Her eyes are dark as they meet yours and says:
"Why won't you leave me alone? You won't go away."
You almost stumble now.
You hadn't prepared yourself for a fight.
In your mind you had this picture of your meeting.
This was nothing like that.
You had had this silly picture of smiles and kisses.
But you should have known better.
You had hurt her.
You had broken her heart.
You had finally proven what everyone knew;
that you where no good.
This time you had to fight for her.
You had to go the distance.
"Rory."
You had to go down on your knees and beg her.
You had to give yourself totally to her.
"What do you want"
She looked tired.
Like she carried the weight of the world on her shoulders.
A part of you just wanted to wrap her in your arms and never let her go again.
"I don't know. I just wanted to see you, talk to you. I just..."
You hadn't prepared a speech.
You had always had a way with words but as you stood there in front of her, looking
at the only girl you had ever loved you found yourself stumbling.
"What"
She backed away from you a little.
You felt panic build in your chest.
You felt her slipping away.
You wanted to bridge the gap between the two of you.
"Come with me."
A part of you already knew her answer.
It was a wild idea.
But you needed distance from the town that seem to slowly squeeze the life out of you.
You wanted to start over.
You wanted to erase the past and start to build the life that you wanted.
But most of all you wanted her.
Just her.
Nothing else.
"What"
All you wanted was to prove to her that you had changed.
You wanted to show her that you had changed over the months you had been apart.
You wanted the life that you had let go of.
You wanted things to go back to what they once were between the two of you.
You had given yourself to her once before.
It had only been for a brief second but you had finally had had the guts to tell her
what you had been so afraid to do before.
But you had been a coward because you had run.
You had run away just like a little boy.
The truth was that you feared her answer.
You had hurt her.
You had broken her and now you stood before her and told her that you loved her.
"Come with me."
You begged her now.
You pleaded with her to let you back in.
"Where"
You had no idea to answer that.
All you wanted was distance.
All you wanted was her.
You had come there to fight for her.
You had come to her to give yourself for the last time.
You had done everything you could have done.
And now she stood there before you, doubting you.
You could see it in her eyes.
You felt anger run through your veins and it scared you.
But you didn't care anymore.
It sharpened your senses.
"I don't know...away"
"Are you crazy"
"Probably. Do it. Come with me. Don't think about it."
You moved towards her.
From the moment you had met her she had been careful.
She went out of her way to create the perfect life where nothing ever could hurt her.
She was safe in her little world.
She was the master of her own safe haven.
You wanted to drag her away from that.
You wanted to show her your life.
You wanted to take her to the top of the Empire state building.
You wanted her to feel the sand beneath her feet.
"I can't do that."
She moved away from you and entered her room.
A part of you had expected that.
You knew her all too well to know that you had to fight for her now.
But the other part had hoped that you had proven yourself worthy of her.
Guess you were wrong.
"You don't think you can do it but you can. You can do whatever you want."
You felt desperate now.
It felt like she was slipping further and further away from you.
It felt like you were slowly drowning.
You wanted to show her so much.
You wanted to dance with her under the stars.
You wanted to show her how beautiful your life was with her in it.
You wanted forever.
"It's not what I want."
She was lying.
She had to lie.
You search for the truth in her eyes.
"It is. I know you."
You kept remembering that night, so many months ago when she first told you her big
dream of being a reporter.
You had seen a glimpse of her need for adventure.
She wanted adventure in her life.
She wanted a great love.
She wanted a great life.
And you could give her that now.
"You don't know me"
Her words stung more than you think she knew.
And a part of you feared that maybe, just maybe she was right.
"Look, we'll go to New York. We'll work, we'll live together, we'll be together.
It's what I want. It's what you want, too."
You had big dreams.
You had imagined her in New York since the day you left her side.
You imagined meeting her on the street and she would smile and you would talk over a
cup of coffee.
But it would never be like that.
"No"
Pain.
It smashed into you so hard that it almost made you stumble.
But you welcomed every piece of it gladly.
You deserved it after all.
"I want to be with you, but not here. Not this place, not Stars Hollow.
We have to start new."
You felt panic eating at your heart.
She was slipping away.
You were losing this battle.
You were losing the war.
Maybe she was never yours in the first place.
"There's nothing to start"
Her eyes were dark as they met yours.
You had tried everything.
You had given your heart to her.
You had given yourself.
What was left to give now?
"You're packed. Your stuff is all in boxes. It's perfect. You're ready. And I'm ready. I'm ready for this.
You can count on me now. I know you couldn't count on me before,
but you can now. You can."
She wanted proof.
She wanted something real.
She wanted something she could hold in her hands.
You wanted her to have all of that.
You wanted to give her safety.
You wanted to give her love.
Why couldn't she see that?
Why couldn't she let you back in?
"No"
You refuse to feel the stinging pain of her words.
You were not ready to give in just yet.
You needed to fight.
You had come there to fight.
"Look, you know we're supposed to be together. I knew it the first time I saw you two years ago,
and you know it, too. I know you do."
You had nothing left now.
You were drained.
You had given the last remaining piece of yourself.
As you looked into her eyes you saw the truth.
"No, no, no, no, no"
It had been a lie.
You had given your heart to somebody that didn't want it.
You had given yourself totally and it had all been a lie.
How could you be such a fool?
But something, the little thing that still represented hope inside of you, refused to listen
to the voice that screamed in your head.
"Don't say "no" just to make me stop talking or make me go away.
Only say "no" if you really don't want to be with me."
You stand there begging her.
Every part of you is screaming out to her to prove you wrong.
To save you before you come undone.
"No"
In that moment something inside of you shattered.
You had lost.
You had given everything.
She didn't want you.
You keep your eyes locked with hers, searching for words, anything to say to her.
You want to tell her that you love her.
But you have already done that.
You have given your heart to her to do what she wants.
And she didn't want it.
You had no reason to stay.
She didn't want you there.
So you back away and then you leave.
You walk the whole way back to your car.
It had started to rain.
You didn't care that the water is soaking your clothes.
You like the feel of the water against your skin, it keeps you from feeling the pain.
But you deserved it after all.
You stand there for a while and let the water wash over you.
Your hands tremble a little as you open the car door and get in.
You have no idea where you're going.
You can't go back to Luke's.
You would suffocate there.
You know that.
She would come back eventually and you would see her.
Some day you might be able to talk to her like you were friends.
But you know that it's a lie.
You were never friends.
You could never be friends with her.
You turn the key and the beast comes alive.
It's time to let go now.
You lost the war.
She didn't want you after all.
You don't look back as you leave Yale behind you.
You refuse to look back.
You will erase her from your heart.
It might take time but eventually you will not remember what
it was like to love a girl named Rory Gilmore.
And maybe, just maybe, you will be okay.
Maybe one day.
-
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