Storytime With Sephiroth
by Saralady
Sephiroth stared distastefully at the set around him. "Why must it look like a clown threw up in here? You can't honestly expect ME to go through with this."
The director smiled and handed Sephiroth a small book. "Well, sir, you DID sign a contract, which means that you agreed to be the host of 'Story time with Sephiroth'."
Sephiroth glared daggers at the director and took a seat on the only chair in the room-which is really sized for a 5 year old. In the meantime, 10 hyperactive boys and girls, all around 4-7 years in age plopped down in front of the silverhaired bishounen and gazed up at him expectantly. Sephiroth raised a brow at them and sighed heavily. Suddenly a sickeningly happy woman's voice starts singing, backed by chimes and a folk guitar. "It's stoooory tiiiime! Yes it's stoooory tiiime, with...sephiroooooth!"
"By Jenova, what have I gotten myself into?" Sephiroth rolled his eyes and stared at the children.
A plump, red-faced boy raised a sticky hand.
"What?"
The boy pulled his sucker from his mouth. "Can we call you Uncle Sephy?" All the children began bouncing up and down on their bums excitedly.
"No you may not."
"Why not?"
"Because you are mere mortals, while I am the son of the last, true ancient. You are not worthy to lick the chocobo crap from my boot. Now shut up and let me get over with this." Sephiroth opened the book. "This week's story is called Rumplestiltskin."
"Ooh!" A blonde, pig-tailed girl jumped up in the back. "I've heard this one before!"
Sephiroth glared at her until she sat back down. "Once upon a time there lived a poor farmer and his daughter. The farmer's name was Cloud, and his daughter Aeris. They both got in the way of the all powerful king, and he was left with no alternative but to kill them both. The end."
"Um..." The same blonde spoke up. "That's not how it goes."
"YOU DARE QUESTION ME?!" Sephiroth grabbed Masamune and knocked his small chair over.
"Well you're wrong!" The blonde stuck her tongue out.
"INSOLENT-OW!" Sephiroth looked down to find a small boy kicking him in the shins repeatedly. "BOL-"
"AHEM!" Sephiroth looked at the director who was tapping the contract. "It specifically says in here no killing of the children or any guests on the show."
Sephiroth grit his teeth together, righted his chair and opened the book again. "Fine. Once upon a time there lived a poor farmer and his beautiful daughter. The farmer was so proud of his daughter that he often would brag to his friends of her skills. One day, a young man overheard the farmer boasting that his daughter could spin straw into gold."
"No one can spin straw into gold."
"That's not the point." Sephiroth smoothed some of his bangs from his eyes and continued. "'Can she REALLY spin straw into gold?' asked the young man. 'Oh yes!' replied the farmer, 'she-'"
"That farmer is a liar."
"Again, that's not the point. 'Well if your daughter can truly spin straw into gold, then-'"
"That guy's gonna get mad when he finds out she can't really do it. I bet he's gonna do somethin mean, like take away all their pokemon cards or somethin'."
Sephiroth stared down at the child, glanced at the director, and promptly bopped the nuisance on the head with the butt of Masamune. The child slumped over onto the ground and the great general smiled. "To make up for lost time due to our little distraction, the young man turned out to be the prince, and the farmer's daughter was taken before the king, along with her father.
"'If your daughter can spin straw into gold on three consecutive nights, then she shall have my son's hand in marriage. If she canNOT complete the task, then I shall have you both beheaded for telling such lies.'
"That very night, the daughter was locked in the tower with merely a spinningwheel and a pile of straw. Overcome with grief, she began to cry. Much to her surprise, a small little man appeared before her.
"'Why, who are you?' she asked."
A redheaded girl pointed and laughed. "You can't do girl voices, your voice cracks when you try."
"You," he replied, "I shall deal with later. The small man bowed, 'I am merely one who hates to see a beautiful woman weep.' Hmm...he should just run her through and be over with it. Is it commercial time yet?"
The director rubbed his temples. "This is public access television, Mr. Sephiroth. There are NO commercials."
"When do we go potty then?" a little boy whimpered.
Sephiroth wrinkled his nose. "Apparently 'we' just DID. Remove him from my presence!" The boy began to cry and was quickly escorted offstage by his mother.
"Again, to make up for lost time, the girl gave the man her dead mother's pearl necklace, and in return, he spun the straw into gold. He returned the following night, and after she gave him her silver ring, he again spun the straw into gold. Everyone following me? We're now onto the third night, and again the strange little man has appeared offering his services.
"'But I have nothing to repay you with,' she whimpered.
"'Ah, not now, but you shall! Promise me your first-born son, and I shall spin the straw.'
"Having no other course of action, the daughter agreed. When the king and his son saw that she had completed this final task, her father was released from prison, and she was married to the prince."
"EWWW! I bet they kissed and stuff! COOTIES!"
A chorus of "cooties" and "eww" resounded throughout the soundstage and Sephiroth had to use every ounce of his self-restraint to keep from casting Supernova and being done with the whole ordeal.
"The prince and the farmer's daughter soon became pregnant, and she gave birth to a son-"
"Wait, what's pregnant? Is that when the stork delivers the baby?"
"No, it's when people have unprotected sex and conceive a child."
"What's sex?"
"Ask your parents." Sephiroth flipped through the rest of the book and sighed. "Thank Jenova we're almost done. Now, the little man came to the farmer's daughter, attempting to claim his prize, but the farmer's daughter refused.
"'Fine then,' the little man smiled, 'I shall let you keep your son if you can guess my name within the span of three nights, starting tonight!'
"The farmer's daughter ran off every name she knew, but the little man simply laughed and disappeared. The farmer's daughter, sick with grief, sent her handmaid out to the forest to fetch her some soothing herbs, and told her husband of their troubles. The prince immediately sent out his knights to record every name in his land.
"While out in the evening, the handmaid spotted a strange little man dancing about a small campfire, singing 'Rumplestiltskin be my name' over and over, and laughing hysterically."
"Sing the Rumplestiltskin song, Uncle Sephy!"
"NO!" A whack, and another child was laid to sleep by Masamune. "Now, the third night was upon the farmer's daughter, and her handmaiden told her of the strange man she'd seen dancing the night before-"
"I think you're rushing this story." A brunette boy adjusted his glasses and stuck his finger up his nose.
"Hmmm...one can only wonder why I would be..." Sephiroth shuddered and continued. "That night, the farmer's daughter guessed the name 'Rumplestiltskin', and the little man began to shake and steam until he became nothing but dust and blew away, leaving the royal family in peace. THE END!" He slapped the book closed and glared at the camera. "Thank you for watching, when it's time to support your local public access channel, do NOT donate during my time slot." With that he stormed offstage, throwing the book at the director and shoving a doughnut in his mouth. "Never again will I sign my name to ANYTHING just to keep incriminating photos from the public..."