Title: What love is
Author: whatchasayiin
Rating: T
Disclaimer: I obviously don't own the freakin show…
Summary: Samantha finds out what love really is.
"What are you saying?" Samantha asked him looking him straight in the eye. They had a heated argument moments before their bodies had taken over them. Now that that part was over, there was nothing stopping them from talking about the topic and the things that have been said.
"I'm saying, Samantha, that it's about time," Martin replied looking at her trying to control his breathing. Samantha had worked a number on him earlier, and he knew that it was something she did because she wanted him to forget whatever it was that they were talking about earlier. Their feelings, a subject that she would always rather avoid than face head front.
"About time that what, Martin?" Samantha asked also panting pulling the covers up around her to cover naked body. She felt safer that way, protected somehow.
"About time that we start either moving forward or just stop this relationship," Martin stated not looking at her but straight ahead where the door to the adjoining bathroom was. He didn't want to see what was in her eyes, he didn't really want to know the truth especially if her eyes were screaming that she didn't want to move their relationship forward.
Samantha sat up further searching around her side for something – anything – that she could put on herself. She found his light blue dress shirt next to her on the lampshade pulling it all around before looking to face him.
"Is this an ultimatum?" she whispered to him.
He still wasn't looking at her.
"Martin?" Samantha asked her voice shaking. He just stood up picking his boxers off the floor and walking out of the room. Samantha quickly pushed the covers off and followed him having no idea what he was doing. She didn't have an idea what she was doing either.
Samantha found Martin in the kitchen his back to her as he got himself a glass of water. She looked around seeing all the clutter that they had made. There were take out boxes and chop sticks over at the coffee table in the living room along with a stack of paperwork that Jack would like on his desk tomorrow morning. All around were a blend of his stuff amongst hers. This was their life, and it could soon be ending.
Could she handle that?
Suddenly the boxer clad Martin sat beside her on the couch looking at the blank screen of the television.
"I'm not asking for a lot, Sam," Martin whispered. It was as if talking on more than that would break this bubble that they have been in for the last months.
"I know you're not, Martin," Samantha replied looking at him. Their eyes met but they turned their gaze away immediately. "I just… I don't know what you're asking for."
"Don't know what I'm asking for," Martin repeated nodding his head. He didn't quite understand what she was telling him. How could a person not know? He just wanted to move on, with or without her. Leaving her would hurt, but staying was hurting all the same and he didn't know what to do anymore. Sex was great, yes. But sometimes that just isn't enough.
"I…"
"You, what Sam?" Martin asked her once again not knowing what else to say. He was lost, should he wait it out? For her to come around eventually, or should he just leave? He knew that he couldn't leave though. He couldn't without having to loose sleep in the following weeks after he leaves her thinking about what he did. What he should've done to make her stay.
"I want to stay," Samantha whispered. "Here, with you. I want you to stay, with me."
"I don't think that's enough," Martin admitted.
"It's all I can give right now," Samantha replied her hand resting on his chin making him look her in the eye. She was lost too. Martin then shrugged her hand away from his chin looking back at the television. He wanted to reach over and turn it on, but he knew that would just break their moment of silence, and he knew that if it was over – the silence – the goodbyes would have to start.
For minutes the only sounds that was heard within the apartment was the silent breathing of the two and the occasional soft sounds of the refrigerator kicking in.
"I…" Samantha stuttered not knowing exactly what she wanted to say, but know that if she didn't say something, it would just be over. In silence.
"Yeah?"
"What's love?" She asked him, her voice so innocent it was almost heartbreaking.
Samantha Spade had never been in love before. Not with her husband, not with Jack and especially not with Keller. She's an expert in lust – making eyes, fulfilling desires, being a warm body to be there at night. She was clueless when it came to love.
Martin sat there thinking of a reply.
What's love?
What is love?
He wasn't too sure anymore. He knew love, since he was a kid. Not from his parents, but from his Uncle Roger and especially from his Aunt Bonnie. Not that his parents hadn't loved him, they did. They just didn't know how to show it. Just like Samantha, there were no showers of affection. It was blank and unsaid, but understood.
Love, he concluded, was a feeling when you would do anything for that person. Risk your life, carry the other person's troubles.
He shook his head remembering having to write a thesis on it during eleventh grade to get into AP English. He remembered that he didn't get into AP English his final year in high school because he fucked that paper up because of football conditioning. Just great.
"I've… I've always though that it was one of those things," Samantha started. "One of those things that people get because they deserve it. Because they give it too. Because they were rich enough to buy it. "
Martin nodded listening to her explanation.
"I was right – on some parts. You deserve love, Martin. You deserve it because you just fucking radiate love and kindness and caring. You don't deserve someone like me," Samantha said her voice fading into the surroundings. "You're too good for me."
"Don't –"
"And no matter how much I change, or try. Or whatever, I can't get to you're level. You deserve everything – the picket fence, the kids, the wife who loves you and adores you and …"
"Sam," Martin whispered wrapping an arm around her. She was starting to tear. Was this her goodbye?
"Let's go to sleep," Samantha said changing the subject. She shook her head shaking the tears away. "One last time. Together."
She stood up from the couch her hand extended waiting for him to take it. She looked deep into his blue eyes with a soft shy and hopeful smile as her hazel eyes glistened in the dark with tears.
"This won't be the last time, Sam," Martin told her walking with her to the bedroom their hands adjoined.
"It will be," Samantha said with her shaky voice. She snuggled up in his arms getting comfortable underneath the sheets. "Tomorrow, I need you to leave. Early in the morning, if you can."
"Why?"
"I need you to leave," Samantha whispered taking his hand in hers once again. She looked him right in the eye knowing that it was the only way that he would know that she was serious and that she meant whatever was coming out of her mouth. "I need you to leave before I fall deeper in love with you."
"What is love, Sam?" Martin asked her. She was pushing him away not because she thought that he deserved something better? He didn't want anyone better, for him, nobody was better than Samantha.
"I… I don't know," Samantha replied looking at their hands. Perfect, her hand, his hand. Perfect. Why couldn't everything else work itself to be that way too?
"The answer," Martins started. "The one you told me before, I… if you believed in love, the love that those people in your saapy chick flick movies have. The kind that last forever; what do you think their love is like?"
"Their love is… Love is… It's like those games, in the carnival. The hard ones that you spend a lot of money, time and energy on just to get it, because you want it so much that you think you can't live without it. Then when you finally, finally, win it, you're so proud and happy that all you want to do is show it off," Samantha replied a smile crossing her face.
"What is it?"
"It's funny how it's also how when you're sick and tired of the toy that you got, you eventually get bored with is, set it aside like it's nothing along with all the other stuffed animals that you've already collected. You forget all about the hard work, the money and the time you spent trying to earn it because it turns into nothing," Samantha explained to him.
"That's…" Martin started not knowing how to continue. He didn't know how to reply to something like that. She was never the 'glass half full' type of person, but he didn't imagine this from her. True and honest negative thoughts about how love becomes.
"I'm scared of falling in love with you – with anyone."
"Why?" Martin asked sensing that this was the one time that Samantha might actually answer his question honestly. Without retorts or anything like that.
"Because I don't want to be another stuffed animal to add onto the collection. I don't want all the hard work, the time, and the effort all forgotten and treated as if it's nothing. I don't want to be, everything then be nothing. I'd rather be nothing from the start, it'll hurt less that way," Samantha replied snuggling into him inhaling and cataloging his scent. That smell, she concluded, would always be Martin. She would never forget that smell.
"I don't know where you came up with that, Sam," Martin answered stroking her blond hair. "But that's not what I learned."
"Hmm?"
"I'm not gonna say that loves don't end that way because they do. But it's not all of them, Sam. Not all of them end up being another love in the collection. Not all of them are tucked away and forgotten. Bonnie and Roger, they're my example. My goal. Their love has gone through so much and still, they go on dates like they did when they started. They spend time with their kids and show their love for each other. After all these years, Sam, they still love each other," Martin told her.
"Soul mates," Samantha muttered.
"You believe in them?" Martin asked her a little surprised.
Samantha shrugged.
"Do you think you have one?"
"I think you're my one," Samantha nodded. "But it doesn't mean that we'll live happily ever after."
"And you're not willing to try it? It's 50/50, Sam. Either we make it, or we don't."
"But –"
"Give me a chance, Sam. I need you to give us a chance."
"What if it doesn't work out? What if you realize all those things about you deserving someone better really is true?" Samantha looked up at him meeting his gaze. "What's gonna happen to me?"
"That won't happen, Sam."
"But…"
"No buts," Martin said shaking his head. "Just us."
"Just, us."
Martin got back down in bed settling himself on one side ans Samantha cuddled into him getting comfortable.
"I love you, Sam," Martin whispered taking her hand in his.
"I… I love you too."